Question:
Is anyone else having trouble in their marriage posy op

My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. We have faced lots of struggles and conquered everyone as a team. Now that I am 4 months post op we seem to be growing apart. I love my husband but it seems I don't like him right now. I am becoming more active and he just sits there. Its driving me crazy. He is also very overweight but is doing nothing to start to resolve it and refuses to even consider WLS. I just don't know what to do. I know you are not supposed to change your mate but if he doesn't I am worried we won't make it. Please help.    — kchurchwell (posted on January 26, 2006)

January 25, 2006
Well, now I am not a councellor but I would think that your husband has lost his eating partner. He may be going through regrets and maybe some jealousy. Also, you may want to get your hormone levels checked. These have a tendency of getting out of wack after surgery. Hopefully, your good health will bring him around in time. Just love him and be there for him while he figures out how he is going to deal with all this.
   — shoutjoy

January 25, 2006
Karen, You are so right when you say, we can't change our spouses. I can relate to your frustration. Be encouraged in the fact that YOU have made a major change in your WLS. Thats wonderful. Sometimes its takes time for the adjustment. Not only with yourself, but your hubby too.Think on the things that brought you and hubby together. Try to focus on your WL. Follow your doc's plan for you. I'm positive that you'll get through this rough time. Hugs, Stormie :)
   — Normie

January 25, 2006
I am right with you on this one. I have the energy to do so much more, and he sits on his computer. I even thought the bedroom would be more active after loosing 67 lbs in 4 and half months. But still nothing. If you want to have someone to talk to email me privately. Seems we are both in the same boat.
   — loveby4pugs

January 25, 2006
Give it time I am just 10 mo. post -op as of the 25th... My husband didnt suport this surgery at all... and still dont... He is a big man and is over weight also...He would not help me along and try to do this for himself either... But now just a couple weeks ago He has made remarks to others outside my home that he wanted to lose weight... He says to me that he is not very hungry and does not want to eat supper... I hear him later in the Kitchen ... When all the junk is gone I will not buy it and bring it in... If he gets it it will be outside the home. He is Jealous Just want addmit to it. I have started Line Dance Classes. Started a Red Hat Chapter...and countless other things. Im on the go Constantly... But I am holding on to the 22 years we shared hoping that he will lose and feel better soon also. I cant judge him. as I know I was fat and didnt want to give up on foods either. Remember we do not want those foods now But they still crave them. I know its hard and He has to decide for himself . We had to and so do they. Hang in there...It will happen... But you cant forget where you came from hun... Just find a Girlfriend thats married and the two of you start having good clean fun. Do things that If you are allowed to do them then so is Hubby...Cause if he loses.... You might be jealous.. So keep that in mind...Sorry did not mean to go on and on lol~ write me anytime... [email protected] Flo
   — Flo

January 25, 2006
How well I can relate. My husband is also very overweight and made it clear that he will never consider this surgery. That is alright with me, as long as he does SOMETHING to try to improve his health. He has been very supportive of me because he knows how much this means to me, but at 8 weeks post op, he is still overeating and being insensitive to my dietary needs. Unfortunately, overeating was one of our strongest bonds and eating out brought us so much pleasure. Now when we eat out, I order the smallest portion I can get and he is still treating these meals like the last supper and orders huge amounts and then sits and eats every last bite. It seems the more concerned I am, the worse he is- so I have to try to ignore it. I did tell him that I won't be going out to eat with him anymore. I know he won't consider the surgery, but I asked him if he would consider making an appt with a Nutritionist through Kaiser.......they are wonderful and I learned so much through classes with them. He said no. He thinks he can do this himself and needs no help (especially mine) but he is 100 pounds overweight and we all know how hard it is to tackle that amount of weight. Ironically, he blames me for his weight. He told me he didn't have a weight problem until I started buying "fat free" foods and counting fat grams. Well, that is BS. He was heavy in HS and dieted before I met him. I have tried to encourage portion control, if nothing else. I even told him, "eat what you want, but in proper serving sizes". I know that this is his way of being in control and that I cannot control him, so it will be very difficult for me to help him with this. In the meantime, I am just trying to do what I need to do for me. I ordered an Elliptical machine this week! I could have ordered a cheaper one, but to allow for his weight, I ordered a commercial quality that will work for him also. I bought it mostly for me because I really want to exercise but HATE cold/wet/windy weather. I figure if he uses it, fine. If not, it will last longer since it is a better quality machine. Sorry this is so long. I can just relate way too well!
   — LauraA

January 25, 2006
I am 3 months post op and down 65 pounds. My husband is also overweight. We had both gained at least 50 pounds since we met. Our sex life is pretty much null and we have to use condoms because I am not on the pill because it did not help my high blood pressure which I do not have anymore. So I told him if he looses 50 pounds I would go back on the pill. Kinda mean I know but good incentive.
   — jengriggs01

January 26, 2006
I thought I had a good marriage when I had my surgery. Soon after the surgery my hormones kicked into high gear and away I went. My husband and I grew apart quickly and things went down hill from there. I'm not saying this to discourage you, but you are a different person now. If your husband is overweight he has lost his eating partner and he sees a different person in you. Your self-confidence is going to SKY ROCKET!!! Men will begin to look at you differently. If your husband isn't going to get up and move with you - you can't hold yourself back. Become the person YOU have always wanted to be...if your husband has a problem with that he will have to deal with it. My husband and I split and I'm sorry to say...I am better off. He wanted someone who would stay at home and veg with him (he wasn't overweight...just OLD :). You have a new life - live it. I know you love your husband, but you have to decide what is best for you!
   — Shelia N.

January 26, 2006
All of the above answers seem to say the same thing. I do know that marriage is a deeply personal thing. So many memories, children involved, years of sacrifice. But it is true that you have experienced a rebirth of sorts. There are growing/shrinking pains for everyone involved. Give your husband time to do the mental work he needs to. If he gets crippled in that state- that is a different story. You on the other hand, you must not get crippled with him. One fact is sure- many patients struggle not to regain weight or keep regaining to a minimum. If your spouse sabotages it can be hjard for you to avoid it as well. My husband still brings some sweets into the house, and crackers. Those are diffuclt food items for me. So he tries to brinng ones that are less attractive and I do more to remind myself there are better things to consume. It is still a partnership. Okay well I am rambling. I hope all works out. Main thing love yourself and love hubby. Knowing you are not rejecting him will mean alot right now.
   — ppaige

January 26, 2006
my husband is already telling me that i can't depend on him after surgery because it's an elective surgery, not a needed one and that i need to just exercise and stop eating so much. he doesn't get it. it's okay, he was never there for me anyway and never struggled with weight, so he wouldn't understand. i'm on my own.
   — kamini S.

January 26, 2006
my husband is already telling me that i can't depend on him after surgery because it's an elective surgery, not a needed one and that i need to just exercise and stop eating so much. he doesn't get it. it's okay, he was never there for me anyway and never struggled with weight, so he wouldn't understand. i'm on my own.
   — kamini S.

January 26, 2006
I am where you are. At 2 years post op, I have lost 150 lb. I have also had a very difficult time keeping my marriage from dissolving. I have learned that the biggest problem our spouses have is their own insecurity. We are getting smaller, and more confident, and prettier than we ever believed we could be again. They, on the other hand, are losing their eating partners, their cooks, their ideal of who we are. We go to exercise classes, and make new friends, and they seem to stay in one spot. This is their choice. My husband is disabled and cannot walk with me. He is also diabetic but won't follow the diet. I cannot change this. I can change me, and the way that I see myself. I can also empathize with him because when I was 350 lb, I felt the insecurity and the fear of losing him. Keep your chin up, and fight if this is what you feel is best. We are all here for you.
   — Rose J.

January 26, 2006
I am one year post-op, have lost 106 lbs. and you would think that my marriage would have gotten better, but I too am finding myself not liking my husband much. After going through everything I went through to get skinny, you would think I would get some positive reinforcements from my husband. I know he loves me and I love him, but it takes two to make a marriage work and problems that were there before surgery, that weren't dealt with, I find I am no longer as willing to put up with them. I have more confidence in myself and know that I deserve better than what I am getting. Things will have to be worked through and changed, because am no longer willing to take it. So to answer your question...problems do arise after the weight loss in some cases. My husband isn't overweight, but he sees me getting all this attention and it, I think, is making him feel insecure. What he doesn't realize is if he would just give me attention and compliment etc.... I wouldn't have to suck up all the attention from other people (men).
   — Michele P.

January 26, 2006
My husband is the same however I am losing for my health. Besides in the past he could have looked around and I could have been dead. Oh well, what would he do then... he could get a new wife, eating buddy, cozy pillow, security blanket and so forth. Now that I am living I can Get a New life and a New Man! WOW! I feel and look great even if he doesn't say it! email me!
   — lj

January 26, 2006
My husband is the same however I am losing for my health. Besides in the past he could have looked around and I could have been dead. Oh well, what would he do then... he could get a new wife, eating buddy, cozy pillow, security blanket and so forth. Now that I am living I can Get a New life and a New Man! WOW! I feel and look great even if he doesn't say it! email me!
   — lj

January 27, 2006
My situation was not different from all the answers I just read. What I learned through the years is to include him in the process and to make him part of my growth. He backed up and shot down not because he did not love me but he did not know how to react to the new me. I was changing very fast physically, emotionally and my attitude and my reaction was very different from what he was used to it. My husband was not overweight. He found the doctor and pushed me to have the surgery and at the last minute he backed down and was scare. Why? He sensed that he was loosing the person he knew. All of the sudden he has a new wife/mate with new bahavior, new attitude, new ideas and he does not know how to react to it all. He became a lost little boy and he feel rejected and confused. I am in control and it is up to me to teach him what are my new needs. In short communication will help adjust and solve some of the problems we face after surgery and weight loss. We most not shot the door in the face of our significant others, but we must hold hand and include them in the process if we want our relationship to grow and to stay married to them.
   — Dani96

January 27, 2006
Try not to forget the one who loved you the way you were - possibly when no one else would. Of course you want your spouse to be healthy, but we all come to that point in our own time and for our own reasons. After all, if your spouse had lost weight before YOU were ready how would you have responded?
   — blues-singer

January 27, 2006
Please remember that it is you who have changed, and not him. He is still the person who loved you when you were not at your best. I hope you can find it in your heart to love him when he is not at h is best. If you are the one who buys the groceries, try to buy him healthy snacks and make him healthy meals. Admire and praise him when he does something that is like exercise. Tell him how much you like his muscles! He may decide to build more muscles for you to enjoy! Also, recall how tired you were bfore you lost the weight. He is probably feeling tired and run down. Try to sneak exercise in on him - go out and do something together that requires walking (flea markets, high school games, dog shows, ballon festivals, winery tours, museums, etc), but where exercise is not the main focus. Good luck!
   — Novashannon

January 27, 2006
Congratulations on your success at WLS. My husband and I have been married for about the same amount of time. He has always been thin and in failrly good physical condition, and when we were married I was heavy. Since our marriage I have become disabled due to an injury and have gained approximately 130 pounds. I too will soon be having the surgery. I have a question - When you said your vows were they not for better or worse? He obviously stuck with you and loved you through your obesity. How quickly we become the shallow thin arrogant fat phobiacs we once despised when we were obese ourselves. There is no one more self righteous than a dieter whose losing weight. Maybe you should look in the mirror and by this I mean the mirror of your soul and seek the woman that loved him in the first place. Love does not just go away, it gets destroyed by our own self destructive behaviors. Now that you are losing weight, he has a new wife and may be struggling to find his place in your life. But it sounds like it might be a hostile enviroment. There maybe a number of reasons that your husband is resisting changing his lifestyle. So maybe you should take an interest in him as a person not what he looks like and see him for who he is and not what he weighs. My husband loves me for me and I know without a shadow of doubt he will still love me when I am thin. But he readily admits that he will have to adjust after I start losing weight. I am sure your husband still loves you as you slim down. Remember he loved you through thick now he'll love you through thin. The question is can you love him unconditionally? Your body is changing rapidly, but for the first 5 years of your marriage it sounds as if you were pretty much the same. Some men don't adapt to change very well. And as we lose weight our personalities change as well due to hormonal flux. If he has been overweight for a long time, I am sure he too has had to endue the taunts of the galactically stupid toothpicks. Hopefully, you are starting to sound like one and if you are he resistance is completely understandable. Patience, patience, patience!
   — outofthedeep

January 27, 2006
Wow! Reading these responses I feel incredibly blessed! Although I am only about 3 months post-op my husband has been my biggest supporter. He is a soldier who has battled his own weight for the last 3 years because of injury. He hated the idea of my surgery, but once the doctor laid everything out in black and white, the risks if I had surgery vs the risks if I didn't, well, let's just say he doesn't like it, but he is willing to do what is necessary. Before he deployed he was right there by my side learning a new way to shop, new things to cook, and finding ways to still eat the things he couldn't live without but not torturing me while doing so. Now that he's in Iraq, he makes sure to ask how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, and what news the dr has, if any. It's incredible how supportive he has been..this man who has seen me my thinnest and fattest and loved me the whole way through. Good luck to all of you
   — Ravenwulf

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