Question:
My husband harldy has sex with me because of my weight

Ok I have a personal issue I have dealing with it and its kindof embarrasing and need some help. I have gained 100 pounds since my husband and I got together but its been over a course of 15 years. We meet in high school when I was athletic and small HOWEVER he has always been on the big side. Throughout the years he has gained a little but now we hardly ever have intercourse. We have a good relationship except when this is brought up. He tells me it has nothing to do with me but that since we are both big its alot harder??? I think he is being self-centered you know? I am doing this surgery for ME and MY HEALTH but I dont know how I will feel if AFTER the surgery he than cant keep his hands off me like before if that happens. Because it really hurts me...Anyone deal with something like this?    — libragirl76 (posted on March 28, 2010)

March 28, 2010
Wow, I was just recently dealing with the same issue. A very close friend (male) advised me #1)to forget about hubby for a bit and focus on myself and I did (pampering myself more). #2)how do I feel about myself deep down and I said I feel like a misfit and that everybody else is so much better than me. He sincerely shared with me how attracted he is to his 305lb wife who just happens to be very confident in herself...by the way my handsome friend previously never had an attraction to heavier women. He explained to me that what is on the inside really does radiate outwardly and sends messages to the people around us. Im scheduled for surgery April 6 and Im looking forward to the increased confidence I keep hearing about. I often wonder what will my husbands behavior be like toward me after my weight loss. Go easy on your husband. You will definetly radiate more confidence and feel sexier about who you are and that will be a big turn ON!
   — Kat_6665

March 28, 2010
I am so excited for you wow April 6th!!! I am in the middle of my 6 mo diet! I hope it goes well for you good luck! I am going to take your advice and just concentrate on myself. He says all I talk about is my weight and how bad I feel and I am sure that has to some to do with it.
   — libragirl76

March 29, 2010
This is not your issue- it is his issue. After dealing with this issue for the last 16 of my 35 year marriage, for me nothing helped. When I weighed 150 (I am 5'9") and wore a size 8 that did not matter. It was not good enough. When I got breast implants thinking that would help...nope. After going from therapist to therapist did that help...nope. It did not help because the issue was not in me. When I finally, finally realized that and finally lost the weight for myself after stuffing my years of living with rejection, I decided to have surgery for myself. Confident, yes... abandoned, oh yes,yes, yes. So I hope it gets better for you. Quite frankly I have decided living with a roommate who happens to be my 35 year partner is not enough....especially when he cannot keep his eyes off other women. I took my life back when I had this surgery, and that was only the 1st step. There are many, may men who love their wives regardless of their size. It took years of observations and soul searching to come to that realization. But why should I be surprised. When I was 19 and dating my husband, one day he asked me how much I weighed. When I told him, he told me I needed to lose 20 pounds. What a red flag. I was too naive to see what was to come. Years and years of no sex or emotional intimacy. It is the hardest thing I have ever done to admit this fact, but it is what it is. My husband would not get into therapy and work through his issues. So he will have to go it alone. I grieved and ate my feelings for years...now I am finding my voice.
   — dasie

March 29, 2010
I already replied to this very nice gal via email, but wow you guys have given her great advice. Yes, one gal says, I think it was Anna, that some spouses are never happy, and boy oh boy she pinned it right on the tail. Now my hubby tells me I am too boney, the hell with him and his opinion! My friend do what is good for you, PERIOD! Good luck!
   — FSUMom

March 29, 2010
My experience was close to Anna's in a lot of ways. The problem with my 1st marriage wasn't just my problem, he had a much bigger problem but refused to acknowledge it or go to counseling with me. After I had surgery and was a newbie post-op (10 years ago!) I was riding high in the self-confidence thing for the first time in my life. Yes, it showed. The way I carried myself was different, the way I dressed was different, I began spending more time and energy on my appearance (make-up and hair - nothing excessive, just took the time to fix myself up for work and such), I started noticing men noticing me, I started speaking my mind more instead of stuffing and swallowing my feelings. Things in our marriage were WRONG, we were most definitely two roomies sharing a home and two kids but I wanted more from the marriage. When you measure how long it's been since you've held hands or kissed by YEARS that is a huge red flat! I entered counseling alone when he refused to go with me. I learned that I deserved more than what I was settling for and that my biggest fear that had kept me there and unhappy was that I thought because I was so big that nobody else would want me. Finally I requested he attend counseling one last time and he refused. I told him I couldn't live that way anymore and that I would be looking for a place to live the next day. He wrote me a letter telling me that he had NEVER loved me the way a man loves a wife and that sealed the deal for me. After the kids and I moved out he suddenly had a change of heart and tried to make-up with me but the hurt of that letter permanently closed the door on any future dealings. Today I am happily married to a man who loves me for who I am on the inside AND the outside. I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I noticed the prince who had been my friend for 2 years. In closing my suggestion to you is basically the same as the others have posted. Make this surgery about YOU and not him. Get into counseling NOW if you can to help you start working through some of the issues and the hurt you are going through. There is no way to predict how he is going to react after your surgery and once you start dropping weight. If he can't keep his hands off of you then I would suggest a sit down talk expressing how you have felt all this time. On the other hand, you may find that since he is also big he may become jealous or insecure and may try to sabotage your success. Or he could become your biggest fan and even look into the surgery for himeself if he has enough excess weight. That is something that you will just have to cross when you get there but don't let fears about the future hold you back from gaining your life back. Just don't expect anything but mentally prepare for everything that could come your way and know that you will be ok no matter what.
   — Kellye C.

April 16, 2010
I had very low self esteem prior to my surgery and wasn't even aware of it. this surgery will empower you and it is for you-----if your husband all of a sudden wants u as you begin to lose wight than with your new found empowerment u will have to decide how to deal with that. For me, once I lost my weight I realized my husband wasn't who I thought he was. He started to really get into me more as I lost the weight and I wanted him less and less. Hey, Iwas looking good and other men were noticing me--I didn't have to be entrapped in a relationship that wasn't about me but about what I had become---I had two children at the time and weight 300 lbs. Let me just tell you that losing weight and feeling good about who you are is empowering and it is a great feeling----you are a good person whether you are heavy or not heavy----it is who u r on the inside but your husband has lost sight of that. make him gravel for you-----
   — kbruno