Question:
Part 3, what happens when family is not supportive? PLEASE READ.
Well I am back yet once again. I received a letter from my husband yesterday which kind of put me down in the dumps. Basically, he does not question my success at weight loss in the short term, though he has serious concerns about my long term ability to keep the weight off which is founded from 2 areas: 1. The lack of statistics of long term success rates, being 5+ years post-op (in which he stated that even my surgeon didn't have any info readily available and if he did then it would have been included with all the other info which was provided to us) and 2. My historic patterns. He says he would love to see me succeed at weight loss but the sad truth is that I have not had the psychological will-power in 15 years to shed any weight on a consistant and long term basis. He worries about my ability to cope with the effects of the "tool" and my ability to remain psychologically strong enough to 'NEVER FAIL AGAIN' at weight loss. He says it's great that the "tool" will keep me in line and honest about certain foods. He says I don't handle stressful situations very well and this "tool" may create a constant stressful situation for me. He asks how will I deal with the separation from the foods that I love right now, those same foods that will cause me physical pain. Then he asks, what happens when the pouch starts to stretch as years go on and I am able to eat more? Will I have the same will power then, what will be so different then compared to now or the past? Talk about being slammed with opinion. He says he doesn't have any confidence in this "tool" beyond the initial weight loss. That all the info I am filling my head with right now from books, websites, forums etc...is mainly focused on the short term and is likely biased by the proud accomplishments of people. He wants to know of the people from 5, 10 even 20 years post-op, The successes and the FAILURES. He asked if I had thought to post a question on the forum asking people how long ago had they had their surgery, their current weight loss compared to their intial target goal? He bets that the vast majority of patients will have fallen off the wagon by then and they don't participate in the supports sites, so any results will be skewed, at best. This is where I really need your responses now, especially from those who are 5+ years post-op. I know I have heard from some but I would love for you to share your stories with me so I may share them with him as actual proof of what I am about to do is good. I want you to be brutally honest with this please if you will. Unfortunately, the letter ended with his biggest concern stemming from his "very strong suspicions that I will fail". Half from the actual method and half is his confidence in me. This hurt, but I can understand why he would think that way. He also made it very clear that this does not translate into him encouraging me to fail, or sabotage me or anything along those lines, He said in fact it was quite the opposite, "that he will support me through it" (FALL DOWN IN A HEART ATTACK FROM SHOCK NOW!). He says he just doesn't want a situation where I am back anywhere to where I am now, but physically altered and pyschologically destroyed because I yet failed again, because he says at that point, there are no other options to quick-fix, and I will have \ to do it the old fashioned way of food control and exercise. With that last sentence it confirmed to me that he is NOT as informed about this procedure and lifestyle change as he thinks he is, especially with the food and exercise part. It really sounds like he is in that wagon with all those that believe that this is the "easy way out". He has heard all the info, though I really think he is refusing to acutally LISTEN. So please if you wouldn't mind spending some time to fill us in on your stories, so I can show him that this is lifelasting, for the good. I have less than 3 weeks to go! By the way, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to All! — skneminnee (posted on December 24, 2008)
December 24, 2008
My husband and I are 2 years out, we had some problems as we got into our
second year. Initially we followed the program and lost weight just like
your suppose to. YOu have to keep in mind, when you follow the program, it
does work. You have to be committed to the life change, the band is not
going to do it for you, all it does is limit the amount of food you can
take in. If you choose to not eat mostly protein, but decide to load up on
carbs, which is what deserts are, then you will not do well. You need to
go into this with your eyes wide open, and with a husband who isnt going to
support you because he knows it all, I would not do this surgery. He
sounds to me like someone who just has to be right and at times when you
will need encouragement to not eat that cookie or piece of candy he will do
just the opposit or give you a very disapproving look. On this board are
the people who are trying very hard to stay with the program, there are
many more that are either very successful and have their own support system
and never post on here, and then we have people who have gotten so far away
from the program it would be ridiculous for them to come here unless they
want some help to get them back on track. I'm sorry to be as negative as I
am, but as long as you have "him" in your life, you have an
additional problem beyond losing weight. If you lose weight in spite of
him, I bet you won't stay with him. You can always find stories about
people that have failed no matter what WLS they had, it's all up to the
person having the surgery, the kind of support system they have, and work
they are willing to put into this. Sorry for my honesty with you, but your
husband really upsets me.
Carole M
Austin,
Texas
— carolem
December 24, 2008
If you (not your husband)think you have deeply seated issues that caused
your wt gain over the years, then I'd seen some professional medical
counseling. It's not a shame to admit that. Yes, there are modifications
in your lifestyle after surgery. You have to be aware of these things.
Also, there are some patients (like me) who do not have dumping issues with
sugars or fatty foods. This means I have to have "mental control"
over my lifestyle. The "tool" works best for the first 6 months
or so, when most of your wt will be lost. But after that time, the wt loss
progress slows down immensely. Yes, the surgery may "force" some
patients to greatly limit some foods and all sweets--but there is not
guarantee. Every patient responds slightly differently to wt loss surgery.
Education is the key--read labels carefully--follow your surgeon's
advice--drink plenty of fluids--take protein supplements--take you vitamins
and calcium citrate daily--exercise too. I did not reall pay attention to
Part I or II, so I'm guessing he may be in the military. That
"lifestyle" has a LOT of exercise. Every persons metabolism is
somewhat different, and so is their will power. Support groups should be
mandatory for all post ops for the first 6 months. Those who attend do the
best at wt loss, as they have current information and are able to discuss
their issues with patients who may have had similar issues in weeks past.
I'd also strongly advise you to drag your husband there too, when you can.
DAVE
— Dave Chambers
December 24, 2008
I am not at 5 years, but will be 2 years on Feb. 15 2009. I lost 146lbs
within 8 months of initial surgery. I have not put anything back on. I am
5'8", 35 (at time of surgery) at my heaviest 286 lbs. To date - I
weight 140-143lbs (I stay within these 3lbs - water retention, starting my
period, etc.) At my heaviest, I wore a size 26/28 pants and a size 22 top.
To date: I wear a size 4 pants and a small or extra small top. Some of my
shoes do not fit (too big), but only a hand full, unlike other people who
had to buy all new shoes. Bra size went from a 42D to a 34C. As prepared as
you are (as was I) - doing the research, took a 6 month education class
through my medical group, and the mandatory classes, etc. through my
surgeon's office - I was prepared. Did I go through hibernation, of course.
Did the rapid weight loss release my hormones back into my body and make me
PMS Queen for a month, hell ya. Did I have insomnia the first month after
surgery - yea. Do I miss certain foods - sure. Do I mourn them sometimes -
of course. This is all natural stuff. Do I find subsitutes for the things I
want to eat - yep. Do I eat small portions still - yep. Do I have dumping
syndrome with certain foods - yep. Does my tool help me to succeed - YES!
Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. If you want to ask my any personal or
specific questions - email me at [email protected]. I am an open
book about my trials, errors, successes, etc. Merry Christmas/Happy New
Year! Good luck.
— jammerz
December 24, 2008
Well happy holidays to you right? I appreciate the fact that your husband
has done some research and that has opened up to you with brutal honesty,
but what happened to unconditional love and suppport? I know many people
that have long term success and you have no reason to believe any
differently. As long as you follow doctor's orders and stay on track- you
will do well. If you don't- you won't. This is a life long commitment to
healthy eating and exercise every day which you will need to lose weight
with or without WLS. You know, I have seen 2 very distinct patterns after
people with WLS begin their journey- it makes a good marriage better and a
troubled marriage worse. Lots of divorces happen and I pray this is not
where you are headed. You need to do what you need to do for you and no
one else- put yourself first and get healthy and happy and hope everyone
else around you can handle the ride. I had LapBand in 06, so I don't
qualify for his long term study of WLS patients. I really hope and pray
you do well, best of luck.
Dawn Vickers, RN, BLC, CLC
— DawnVic
December 24, 2008
I am 5+ years post op RNY. I have not had any problems at all. This is
the best thing I have ever done for myself. You will not believe how much
better you will feel. Your back will stop hurting, your feet will stop
aching. You go for it!!!!!
— Carlyn M.
December 24, 2008
I had the lap band June 15, 2006 and I am still at goal weight. I live in
Puyallup, Wa and there is a support group here that is held by (Vitalady
Inc.) she started selling supplements after her and her husband had WLS.
Here is their story taken from their webb site. Here's our stats...
We both had Distal Gastric Bypass (RNY) performed by Dr. S.R. Fox in
Tacoma, WA. I had my surgery on October 5, 1994 and Don had his surgery on
October 24, 1995. At the time of our surgeries, I weighed 262 lbs. and Don
weighed 285 lbs.
Take a look at their pictures at vitalady.com I am not promoting their
proteins, but I have purchased from them. I was just so impressed with
their long term weight loss. I have met both of them and they are both
still at goal weight.
Pamela Winslow
— pjwinslow
December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas to you. And this is one of the best presents you could give
yourself. But it does not come without risk. But continuing to be obese has
its risks too.
I have to say you husband is starting to piss me off. In your last letter
he wanted you to try Weight Watchers. Where is the long term success in
that. How many people loose weight to just gain it back plus more. He's
right that these are all just tools and the underlying issue of overeating
has to be delt with. BUT that is true no matter how you loose the weight.
WLS will give you the best chance of successful weight loss on a grand
scale. Not just 50lbs.
There is a reason we go to support groups. You have to face the fact you
could gain all the weight back and you will need to have SUPPORT from love
ones and support groups to achieve long term goals.
Im only 3 months postop BUT I work with 5 women over 4 yrs post op. Two of
them have anemia issues. One has gained 20-30 lbs back. All of them are
still thin and ALL of them would have the surgery over again. For me the
though of gaining weight back after being succesful scares the shit out of
me. Scares me enough to keep me inline.
Ive mentioned SparkPeople before. There is a lady on there that had the
surgery back in the 1970's. Email me your email address and I can see if
she will email you.
[email protected]
— urbrat2
December 24, 2008
Carolann...Copy and paste this question over at the "Grads Board"
There you will find more long termers including myself...I'm going to
write you a PM anyway...Many of the grads that post regularly are ones that
have had struggles or fears or come back for extra support or give it or
hugs! etc...It is an on going challenge like any other addict. So his
fears are valid, but they are a little harsh on you personally...Maybe he
thinks he knows you better than you know yourself. Anyway the Grads are
very honest and open...Many people stop posting when things are great...but
people pop in all the time and let us all know they are fine and doing well
after several years PO. That's how I ended up back...I got a 4 year
congrats from the site and just popped in to say how well I was doing and
then I just learned so much more that I just stayed and I post most often
here to help if I can...but I post my little struggles/questions...etc too
on the grads board...Click on "Forums" and look for the
Grads...Post this there! Merry Christmas sweetie! Hang in there!
— .Anita R.
December 24, 2008
WOW! After reading your post I for one find it amazing that you are still
with this person. Anyway, summon up all your courage. Lose the weight for
yourself and start to feel healthy and happy again. If your husband is
using your weight against you to keep you with him that is just WRONG.
Maybe he feels like you are doing this to punish him in some way. I hope
and pray you aren't. Sounds to me like he doesn't listen, wants proof that
things work; is given the proof yet still refuses to belief it. Guess
what; you are both losing a larger battle than weight if this is the kind
of emotional sabotage you engage in with one another. You are each
individuals in your relationship as well as being a couple which is a whole
seperate issue.
I am 10 years out. Yes, I did this before we had as many choices and
different types to choose from, I started out at almost 500 pounds after
having six children. I now weigh 197 and am still losing. This is a
lifetime commitment like most important things in life are; if you choose
to be healthy you will. I also exercise and do yoga.
My husband has different ideas about Yoga than I do but he really doesn't
understand that it is more than just meditation. That is only one aspect.
He makes some fun of me and the yoga but I do it any way. Its me in the
end who will benefit from the results. MY point is my husband still
smokes. I used to smoke, I havent smoked for 5 years or more. It is all
about making a decision and sticking with it. And willpower. Whenever I
do go off diet; I do extra exercise. Trade offs that work. I also swim.
I now have grandchildren and granny wants to be around as long as she can
to enjoy them. Enjoy your holidays and you can communioate more at
[email protected]. Good Luck and God Bless You, you are in my prayers,
vinnigirl
— vinnigirl
December 24, 2008
Wow! I have yet to read the responses of others as I want to share my
impressions without being influenced by others, and as it is fresh in my
mind. First, I am stunned by the amount of thought and consideration he has
put into this. It certainly sounds like he was (biased for sure)insight.
Unfortunately in his analysis of weight loss in general and you in
particular he is missing some very key pieces of information. This is not a
matter of will alone. It is genetic, it is progressive and it undermines
whatever determination and willpower may have existed due to the constant
inundation of food messages and availability. It is very well to stand
outside the glass house and, looking in, see the flaws and judge. He, no
doubt, sees this as 'impartiality,' perhaps even spinning it as love and
concern. However he is not living it himself. In life we each have choices
to make as to the direction we take...a job, a home, to have another child
or not. And certainly your choice has an impact on him and your family,
just as his have had on you.
In essence it seems to me that he is looking for a 'guarantee,' and life
does not come with guarantees. He sounds like a great business man who is
skilled at analyzing the pros and cons, consequences and such. However this
is not business. And while those skills have a certain place, and may
actually add to your personal decision making process (IF that's how you
think), there are questions he is NOT asking (himself).
What if you continue to struggle "the old fashioned way"? What
are the consequences to your physical health? To you psychological health?
If you continue to yo-yo, what (further) co-morbities do you add to your
medical chart? What are the consequences of you NOT losing weight NOW? If
your health declines further, what then?
Unfortunately things are not always as black and white as analytical
thinkers would like to see them as. It may be more dark gray and light
gray.
The things I have read do indicate that for long-term success, wls stands a
far better statistical (like that?) outcome then dieting and exercise
alone. Is it 100%? No, of course not. Nothing is. That would be...you got
it, a guarantee. Now, if you know that statistically wls is far better than
d+e alone, there's your shade of gray. Not black or white, but on the
continuum of success...a good indicator.
Question people 5, 10 and 20 years? Five years for sure. 10 years maybe,
although the surgeries as they are done today are far different and,
thankfully, complications, short term and long, are far less as more is
known and patients are educated in ways they were not as little as 9 years
ago.
20 years ago they did stomach stapling. Very different surgery with very
different statistics. Remind him, he needs to compare apples to apples (not
pears).
Dear, I can only imagine it is very disheartening to have someone so
important in your life have so little faith in you (in this area of your
life). And while he may not INTEND to sabotage you, in EFFECT he is. He is
depleting your self-esteem further, undermining your confidence and
enthusiasm with his non-stop, pre-disposed analysis.
As I see it you can go one of two ways. Continue to meet every well-thought
through objection with information and data, or
Tell him that in your own way to weighing information and arriving at a
decision, you are satisfied that this is right for you and that you will
pray that he is sincere in supporting you DESPITE what he may THINK (or
feel) about your choice. That you would hope that he will be routing for
you to succeed, not watching vigil for you to fail.
On a last (believe it?) note, in some ways he is right. Or at least
potentially so. We all know that if you don't change how you approach
food..and LIFE (including husbands...yo, watch out), you are likely to
regain.
I can tell you this from my (very brief) experience. I had lap rny 10 days
ago. I'm recovering nicely and have lost 32 lbs in that time. This surgery
gives everyone the opportunity to learn how to listen to their body (not as
easy as you might think). I have been thinking of it as a rebirth...of
myself, of my stomach. Right down to eating baby food. It's like hitting
the reset button. But you need to be truly honest with yourself as well.
Are you ready for weeding out the old habits? Facing the food issues? Doing
it DIFFERENT? If you are relying heavily on the surgery, as I've seen a lot
of people do, you may well be in for challenges down the road. Do you see
surgery as a time where you can't eat XYZ for a year, or are you ready to
decide that you can't eat XYZ at all, because it triggers binges or
whatever? I may be wrong, but those people who see giving it up 'for a
while' are doing what they've always done.
Enough. You have a tough challenger in your husband. I hope he isn't as
intrusive in your personal choices in other areas of your life as well. If
so, you might have to consider if your health requires you to 'trim the
fat' from the outside in.
— mybestself
December 24, 2008
I hate to say this but your husband might be right. He does have some valid
points and the truth is you will fail if you don't have a strong commitment
to your health and changing old eating habits for the rest of your life. I
am 2 yrs post op. I lost a total of 120 lbs within the first year. However,
I did gain back about 30 lbs. I was never at goal and find it a constant
strugle to stay away from carbs and junk food. Food addiction is not cured
with weightloss surgery. Your best chance at success is with the help of a
comprehensive program that includes psychological counceling on a regular
baisis. Good luck.
— maria09elena
December 25, 2008
This something you are doing for YOURSELF! I am only 4 months out, but I
have to tell you that I did this for my health issues, High Blood Pressure
and Diabetes and constant back and knee pain that kept me from being active
and vital. I was depressed all the time, chemically depressed from
inactivity. It was a vicious cycle! Now I am able to move around and
exercise, this actually lifts my spirits and has immensely improved my
life. I no longer take three meds for my diabetes! I only take one med for
my blood pressure!
I hate to say this, but you may have to choose between yourself and your
well being and your husband. Put it to him that way. Have it out with him
once and for all. All the crap he is laying on you is not fair or right.
He wants control, he wants you to stay the same. If you take control over
your own life, he figures he is history, and her might just be right if he
continues the way he is going now.
Choose life. Choose good health. Choose because this is your best choice
for improved health and well being and self respect.
Merry Xmas and have a Happy New Year!
— cydthekid50
December 25, 2008
— mrsidknee
December 25, 2008
Sorry to hear of the negativity and lack of support, but it is a real issue
that many don't speak of. Remember we are not the only one's who suffer
from the desease of obesity our family's do as well. They are so used to us
being as we are that they fear the change. Especially husbands who are
receiving a lot of negative feedback from other people. When you begin your
researching, do it for yourself not to prove things to others. You made
this life change for a healthier YOU. Get it locked into your head the best
way that you can, that you will be a healthier, slimmer, happier more
attractive you, for the rest of our GOD given life. Most women whether they
are obese or not have to put in the work to look good. That's just another
part to the equation. I know that after my weight lost I will never allow
myself to go back to where I was. It doesn't matter what others say or do,
you are an individual who decides your own destiny with the grace of GOD.
Don't allow negative programming, sabatoge or brainwashing to stop what you
are doing. And besides when you find a PERFECT person, then that's when you
should begin to worry. Kudos to you!
— kbiz888
December 26, 2008
I wish you the best in getting him to understand, I am divorced due to all
the changes I went thru.
To answer his concerns I am 5.5 years out, I had rny with the fobi band, I
have weighed the same & wore the same size since 7 months after when I
reached 130lbs lost. The sucess rate of each procedure is different I took
the fobi because at the time it was the highest maint longterm sucess.
I will not lie & I do not want folks to give me a hard time for being
honest here.......lolol.......I do not do what I am supposed to do all the
time. I have a huge sweet tooth & like carbs, with my tool I made a
decision to never be 300 or even 200lbs again. I do pick & choose
battles, I want cookies I limit to 2 & do oatmeal raisin or peanut
butter for fiber, fruit, or protein (I don't feel so guilty with those). I
do not drink soda at all, I only allow myself coffee or water. I do drink
the v8 fusion sometimes too. My point is I check the scale weekly &
allow myself small treats, I have maintained my weight & am proud even
though I have failed all my life in the past. I eat healthier & my tool
forces me to be cautious with the things I do like, I have dumped, it sucks
& is an awful feeling & I have done it more than once, I know it is
my fault & I over did my limit, I have figured I can safely have about
15grams of sugar of the fake added kind. Natural occuring like in the v8
don't affect me that way. But as I said I pick & choose battles, I fear
gaining weight beause I feel so good as the new me, that keeps me motivated
& on track even when I slip off, I eat salads & veggies, and
protein & allow myself small treats sometimes ( once every few days
actually). It is a lifelong decision & if you are passionate &
ready then do it & tell him you will do all in your power to never go
backwards. Just remember we can control what we eat & the tool helps us
control what we can't. Mentally you will find other ways to spend your
time, I love to cook so when I feel the need I do it then take it to work
to share...lol. My house is a neat, clean place, I do that instead of
eating & snacking. You can always seek professional counseling if you
have trouble down the road. People here have said they give us a tool but
don't rewire our brain so we have to do that part.
You can do this & keep it off. I have a co-worker she is 8 years out
& looks as good as me & has kept hers off too, she had the same rny
with fobi band.
So good luck & I will keep you my thoughts, I am very proud of myself
& you will be proud of you too. I was very scared I couldn't do it but
I have & you can to. It changes you when you get to your goal. I do
want to add that after surgery I did NOT have rice, grease, pasta, bread,
or sugar at all, not even a little cheat. I didn't start treating me till
10 months out after I reached my goal & the doc cleared me to move to
maintance. So I was very strict until then for fear I would fail. Another
helper is I never want to have surgery again, so I don't want to be in with
a revision down the road & only I can prevent that by taking of my
tool.
I know I have babbled alot, but I hope I have helped. Keep us posted &
feel free to contact me, though I don't know how to tell you where my
profile is...lol. I am here as faerydust1313. Good luck & happy
holidays!!!
— Faerydust1313
December 26, 2008
It seems like a waste of time to stew about potential failure five years
down the road. If your husband has made it past the initial negativity
surrounding the actual surgery and has set his sights on possible weight
gain five years from now, I would say he is really going out of his way to
cause you undue stress. Three weeks before surgery should be a time to
focus on you -- preparing for surgery and for post-op life. He said he
will support you through it. Thank him for his support, and then turn the
focus to you. You've made a decision. You don't need approval from
everyone around you. You've done your research and you know why you are
doing this. Let him stand back and watch your success. Maybe some marital
counseling would be beneficial NOT to discuss if you should have this
surgery, but how beneficial his truly unconditional support could be to
you, especially during the times when you struggle. The last thing you
need when the going gets tough is someone telling you "I told you
so." If he's not up for marital counseling, I would seriously
consider finding a counselor you can see to talk about your life after wls,
whether it be your own personal struggles or your husband's rude comments
and doubting ways. I am having lapband surgery on 1/19, and I already have
an appt set up with a counselor. It can't hurt to have someone to talk
with about this major life-changing event (I don't typically see a
counselor, just know wls is going to be huge for me). I think it might be
particularly helpful for you because, let's face it, wls is not all
sunshine and happy hugs. Your husband probably will not be the person you
want to lament to when the going gets tough. As for all of the doubts and
fears your husband has about you and wls...don't most people having surgery
have those same fears somewhere in their mind???? I know I do. Maybe your
husband's comments are hard to ignore because you have some of those
questions/doubts in mind, but if wls patients didn't struggle with these
issues, they probably wouldn't be needing wls in the first place. After
losing a lot of weight, you may not be the same person you are now. All of
your husband's fears about how you handle things in the long term may very
well be unfounded anyway because you won't be the same person you are now.
Who's to say you won't deal with stress by hitting the gym??? You don't
have to prove anything to anyone but yourself.
— wenniewo
December 26, 2008
Hi Caroleann,
I just had my surgery in November so I'm not a long-term person either but
I have to tell you something: You husband has some SERIOUS personal issues.
Like that other poster said, he's starting to piss me off. He wrote you all
of this negative sh*t in a letter? WHAT A JERK! If he were ANY KIND OF MAN,
he'd be a POSITIVE influence rather than heaping all the negativity on your
head. He'd be helping you get ready--both mentally/emotionally and in the
day-to-day around the house kind of way that real men know about. He'd be
SUPPORTIVE and caring and kind--not trying to discourage you and beat you
down mentally and emotionally. He has a very strong suspicion that you will
fail? Well, I have a VERY STRONG SUSPICION that he is afraid you're going
to get thin and realize you can do WAY better than a selfish, mean-spirited
*SSHOLE like him. I think this letter and the badgering he has subjected
you to is bordering on abuse. Your health, your life, and your emotional
well-being might be at stake here. How much longer are you going to listen
to this man who clearly doesn't want what's best for you? He wants to KEEP
YOU DOWN. Ask yourself why. I'm really sorry if this is too strongly
worded for you. I'm really sorry if I've offended you. I just hope you'll
at least think about his motivation for all this badgering. I think it's
way more selfish than you may want to admit. If you really want this,
you'll suck it up and stop listening to his negativity and you'll do it for
you.
— Tina G.
December 27, 2008
Greetngs Carolann: I tried to post what I had to share with you earlier
this day. In fact, I had it all written out ready to hit the "Click
Here to Post Your Answer," when I found out that my message didn't
post. Why? We are really having weather issues in the Seattle area and I
lost my Internet, telephone, and TV connection as well as what I had
written to post. I thought about not posting because you truly have
touched folks' heart strings, and they have really reached out sharing
their innermost thoughts with you. But, no one has posted what I have to
share with you. I also thought I'd send it in a postal note directly to
you; but, I've felt led to post it here. Carolann, when I read your
message about how your husband wants ironclad proof that you will succeed
this time when you've failed each and every other time, it surely sounded
like my own husband talking. I read what you wrote. I went to your photo
site and read what you have there as well. I looked at your pictures, and
came to know you a little better. I can also see that your husband is
overweight. I am 4 years post RNY, have dropped 150# with 30 of those
pounds recently coming off my frame (August 2008 to October 2008). I have
30 # to go to reach my life-time goal. My health, energy, stamina,
attitude, etc. is excellent. I have true peace, joy, and happiness within
me and I also have lots of good friends who love and respect me. Having
this weight-loss surgery was the best-ever decision I have ever made. I
have a friend who had similar surgery in the 1960s, except her reason for
the surgery was different; but, the results are the same. She is lythe,
tiny, energetic, full of life, etc. and eating is just something she does
to thrive. It is not the focus of her life. She is now in her 80s. Eating
is not the focus of my life either. I eat to thrive. I also see there
have been a number of folks who are out 4 or 5 or more years post WLS who
have posted heart-felt messages of support to you. Anita R. gave you good
info on where to post your information to buttress your thoughts that you
must do something to change the mind of your husband. Really? Carolann,
do you really think that giving him this proof will change him to finally
become positive and supportive of you? No! He will simply find something
else to be negative about. When I read your story, I reflected on my own
husband. If he were still living, and if I had not had the strength to
divorce him at 25 years of marriage, we would have had a 50 year marriage
last February. As soon as I said, "I do," R__ started being
negative towards me, saying and doing very hateful things to me and about
me. He was 99.9999999% negative at all times. He verbally tore me down
constantly. At 9 months and 6 days of marriage, we had our first child --
whom he always ignored always calling him, "that kid!" 7 months
later, I again became pregnant. At that time, he shut off normal
intercourse with me. He shut off normal intercourse with me for way over
10 years! He made me feel that I was responsible for this. And, he would
rape me in my rear. It never mattered that I would cry and cry and cry
myself to sleep afterwards, after all, it WAS MY FAULT! Finally (and
perhaps this attitude might sound familiar with you -- no, not the method,
but the result) I pleaded with my doctor for birth control pills. I was a
Catholic and having birth control pills was contrary to Catholic thinking.
Well, to save my marriage, I got the pills. He again had normal sex with
me ... for a short while. Yes, I got pregnant and had a third child, this
time, a daughter. Then, he again stopped and returned to raping me in my
rear. Even so, for the first 16 years of our marriage I thought the sun
rose and set on him and anything that was bad was my fault. I was to blame
when my sons failed to ... do their homework.... make their beds.... made
noise .... did ..... anything at all that he didn't like -- which was
everything. He'd wake up in the mornings yelling and screaming at them
(and me) to get up! I had friends who tried to tell me that he was
terrible; but, I simply couldn't believe that he was not this white knight
in shining armor. If I pleaded with him to do something I really wanted to
do, he'd agree; but, then he'd be so negative the whole time that I would
not want to do it again. Such as .... dancing .... singing .... playing my
violin .... going to musicals .... plays ... You name it, if I recommended
something, he'd be sure to ground any pleasure in any event into dust under
his feet. Then, after 5 years of psychoanalysis, learning how to cope with
him (I was dying. My doctor couldn't help me. Out of frustration, my
doctor recommended I see a psychiatrist. I said, "Get me one!) and
our sons also getting the same 5 years of psychoanalysis, and learning how
to cope with their dad, I finally saw him for the empty man he was. In
order for him to feel good, he had to make me into a worm. But, I stuck it
out with him for another 7 years. When I left, I had no self-esteem at all
and my children (yes, he had "allowed" me to have another child)
were programmed to demean me as well. To this day, they curse me. To this
day, they say mean things and do mean things to me. I shut them out of my
life 3 years ago (July 2006). My friends tell me I am ever so much at
peace. I am. I finally set boundaries and I hope and do pray that at some
time before I die, my children will come to honor me as their mother and
not as a kicking post -- which they learned how to do from the behavior in
our family home. Our divorce was 25 years ago, and he died 16 years ago.
If I had remained with him, I would not have lived and would have died
myself before he did. Tearing a person down, demeaning them, telling them
they are losers, telling them they will never be successful, is hateful,
hurtful, and just plain evil! When he passed on in 1992, the principal
where he taught math, said "R____ was a rose with many thorns."
As I sat at that memorial contemplating those words, I felt such intense
sadness and sorrows for he truly led such a sorrowful life piercing
everyone with those thorns. Honey, if your husband is at all like my
husband was, life will and is truly very hard for you. Yes, I forgave him
a long time ago, and any time any sordid thought would come to my mind, I
would freshly forgive him, asking our Father, to accept my forgiveness and
to bless him abundantly. To this day, I do the same for my 3 children.
After I left myt husband, I set about building my life from scratch. I
have very successfully done so. I did it. So can you! Carolann, you and
yours remain in my prayers. I would love to be a true friend to you. You
can reach out to me at any time either through the OH website, or through
contacting me personally. My e-mail is [email protected]. Blessings,
Christine Gibson, OH Coach and Weight Loss Surgery Support Group Leader.
— Christine Gibson
December 28, 2008
My mom had the Duodenal Switch Gastric Bypass in August of 1996 so she is
12 years out. While she has lost over 200 lb she has put about 30 back on.
However, we know that she will never be back to where she was at the
beginning but it is possible to put weight back on. My mom has NEVER
watched what she has eaten but she has found that it is very easy for her
to drop weight again just by watching what she is eating. She can drop 5-10
pounds in a week or so when she wants to but she feels okay where she's at.
She is the reason that I got the RNY in February of 2008. Even though I am
only 11 months out I have lost 113 lb. I'm one of the "unlucky"
ones that can eat almost anything without dumping, not saying that I
haven't dumped because I have many times. I have never thrown up though.
This holiday season has been pure torture on me because the same old
pychological demons have come back the way they were before surgery. I wake
up and think about food. I go to bed and think about food. I feel like I am
constantly eating. However, I am physically not able to eat quite like I
did before surgery, which has saved me. I also have noticed that when I
think about how I need to watch what I am eating, there isn't that dreaded
feeling that I had before surgery when i tried to diet. I remember feeling
like any effort I was making was pointless because I knew the weight
wouldn't really come off anyway, so i would just be making myself miserable
by depriving myself of what i wanted. It's different now. I KNOW now that
if I watch what I eat i will see results and it's not all in vain. There's
that feeling now of not wanting to sabotage what I have done for myself and
not wanting to go back to where I was before surgery. I never had those
feelings before.
I do understand where your husband is coming from though. There is always
that question of whether someone can keep the weight off and use the tool
the right way. I have to admit that I am not a role model of using the tool
correctly and I know that someday it may bite me in the ass. But I also
know that I can win now. I don;t think your husband is trying to be a jerk
or nonsupportive I just think that he's scared for you. He probably feels
scared about you coming out of surgery okay as well as the after effects of
it. Whether you're the patient or a supporter there is always that question
of "can I/they do this successfully and keep the weight off"?
because we have shown on our own that we can't or we wouldn't need surgery.
But I must say that after watching my mom over the years as well as myself
through my own journey, WE CAN do this successfully!! Good luck to you and
God Bless!! If you have any more questions that you would like to ask me
about myself or my mother feel free. My username on this site is sillyguts
and my main email address is [email protected]
— Sillyguts
December 28, 2008
I am a little surprised at your doctor not having this information, but if
you go to The New England Journal of Medicine website and look up bariatric
surgery (you can get a temp logon that lasts a few days) you will find
several articles, the one you are looking for is the Swedish study it is
considered by most of the world of medicine as the authoritative study on
the long term effects of the surgery. It was done over a 10 year period
and used (I think - this is from memory) roughly 3000 surgery patients
compared to an equal number of non surgery obese patients that were
followed over a 10 year period. It shows the long term comorbidities in
both sets and the long term weight loss, I believe the outcome was that 85%
of surgery patients kept off at least 50% of there weight compared to 100%
of the obese patients ending up gaining weight. It also showed that approx
80% of surgery patients were no longer diabetics after 10 years where all
of the non-surgery patients were still diabetic. There are pages and pages
of information. Good luck, remember this in not just about weight loss,
it is also about your health. You can do this, it is not easy, but if it
is any consolation, most of the stuff that I loved before surgery I am no
longer even interested in. Also I would mention to your hubby that with
surgery you also have to watch what you eat and exercise. My doc had me
exercising at the hospital after surgery and expects me to be exercising at
home every day! This is not a quick fix and it is definitely NOT easy!
But it is worth it...
— brindledanes
December 29, 2008
I've been reading your posts to my husband. He wants your address, so he
can kick your husband's a@@! We both feel so bad for you. Oh yeah, and my
hubby says we'll support your decision, even if your husband doesn't! You
need to do what YOU think is right. Just because you two are married,
doesn't mean you can't think and do for yourself. Even though divorce
really isn't in our home, we both think you should consider doing this on
your own. In reality, he's not supporting you and loving you
unconditionally, like spouses should. He's holding you back from success.
We think you're already doing this by yourself, so why should you have him
hanging around bringing you down. You DON'T have to put up with that, no
matter how long you've been married. Our prayers are with you. We hope
you can figure this all out, and be on your way to being healthy, both
physically and mentally.
— [Deactivated Member]
December 29, 2008
CarolAnne,
I to have had the same knock downs from no one other than my husband. He
was always Mr. Right and Mr. Know-it-all. He would tell me that he would
not support me in my venture for weight loss surgery. (For fear of yet
another failure) He said I willl gain it all back in a couple of years.
I've asked him several times to attend the support group meetings with me
to see how people feel about the surgery and how their health has
tremendously improved. He would never attend, but I did and will always.
I am 2 years POST and I no longer have any of the health conditions that I
had prior to surgery. i.e. (Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, High
Cholestorel, and Sleep Apnea) along with sore knees and ankles. I
postponed my knee replacement until after the RNY and now thank God I did
cause I don't even have those problems. I had my surgery on 10-30-2006 and
today I have lost a total of 257 lbs. I would like to lose another 25 lbs
but its very hard now. My husband was very angry that I chose to go ahead
with the surgery and gave me no support. Well know that I have lost so
much weight he tries to act as though he doesn't like it but I have heard
him have conversations on the phone telling all his friends and family that
you won't know my wife cause she is skinny now. I am not skinny but in his
eyesight I am. I know he loves me and his biggest fear is that I will
start to become a beautiful woman and leave him. As time has gone on he
has started getting more supportive. He thinks he knows all the excercises
that I need to do, how to do and when to do and of course I make him feel
apart of my success and do the exercises his way. (Smile) My historic
patterns are very similar to yours, I have been on every diet know to man.
I even paid to go to the Quick Weight loss centers and lost 150 pounds to
only 6 months late gain it all back PLUS. Your husband is right about what
will you do when your will power fails you. I feel like when I crave those
foods that got me to be Morbid obese I have to control that urge. I know
that I donot like taking all the meds I use to take and boy it feels good
buying clothes for a regular store vice the Womans dept. I still go in the
Womans dept out of habit and then I say oh my I can't fit anything in here
anymore. Just hang in there and he will come around when he see's the
healthy and beautiful you erupt speedily.
— sparkle8062
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