Question:
can you help me with this?????????

Friday my hubby and i were having some fun in the sack and i could not or would not get into it i just did not want to and this is very very very unlike me if i could i would have it everyday but now i just don't want him to touch me and i feel very hurt and angry towards him before the sugary he was distant not too affectionate and we really did not do it too often and only at his convenience but when we did do it was "GOOD" i always just took it because i was soo fat that i knew he loved me but i just gave it to him that because i had gotten so heavy that he wasn't really attracted to me so i just dealt with it not a happy camper and i did let him know but now that i have lost 104 pound in 6 months and am feeling great and he says i look better he still ignores me he acts like he can't stand me sometimes and it has even gotten to the point where i am actually thinking of asking him to leave but i am scared 13 years we build a life together and i do love him and appreciate him that he is a hard working man but i am sad and lonely and hurt i did the surgery for my health for me and for him my health is much better I feel wonderful now but I am hurt that the only person that I wanted to enjoy my new body with is not wanting to...............i know sex is not everything but it is important but he could try to be nice to me and a bit more affectionate..... (to know that this man that I have loved and have been completely true to for 13 years is still not giving me what I need as love and affectionate after all this makes me think gosh it was not the weight I guess that bothered him so much it is just me) help me...has anyone experienced the similar??????? what did you do...????????????? :(    — LUVY L. (posted on August 12, 2002)

August 12, 2002
Dear Luvy luvy It is terribly disappointing to have someone you care about ignore you sexually after you have gone through surgery and lost a lot of weight. I would guess he is frightened. He didn't have to worry about a lot of competition while you were overweight, but now your figure and your self confidence are starting to make a statement of their own. In all of this change, I guess he might be wondering if he still looks good to you. When the one partner alters, the entire balance of a relationship can up end. I would suggest you start talking to him. Communicate your feelings. If you can't talk, try writing him a letter. He needs to know what is happening in your head and heart. Something is happening and you ignore it at your own peril if you value your relationship with this man. Congratu-lations on your weight loss, by the way and good luck.
   — Bobbi G.

August 12, 2002
I'm so sorry and really feel for you. What I'm wondering is if maybe your husband has a problem. Especially if he's in his 40s or later he might not be as available "on demand" as he used to be. Guys are soooo proud that they never say anything, but maybe he won't get sexual unless he knows he's going to be able to perform at that specific time. Know what I mean? I'd like to suggest that you both see a councelor and find out what's really going on with him. If he has issues about you, you need to know but at the same time there are lots of things that affect mens sexuality, not just age, but also medications, stress, things like that. Obviously you still care, it would be so worth trying to get to the bottom of this thing. No matter what, good luck to you. I'll be wishing you the best.
   — Shelly S.

August 13, 2002
hi its me luvy and wanted to say thanks for the input but to help you out my husband is ONLY 32 will be 33 on the 1st of sept and i am just turned 36 so we are still young and we do not have any children together i have a 15 year old from a previous relationship and i am not too happy with the way he treats him also he just ignores him and it drives me nuts money wise he is always there but emotionally no.................
   — LUVY L.

August 13, 2002
It's a scarry place to go, but you have to start asking the hard questions. Does he really like you? Do you really like him? Of course you love each other...but do you have respect for who the other person is? Can you tell him that you feel hurt and angery because of his lack of affection and attention? Write down what it is you really want and need from a relationship, ask yourself if you are currently getting that. If you are not getting what you need, then you have to ask for it, demand it. If he is unwilling to give you what you need, then you will know where you stand in the relationship. It takes alot of work to figure out what you want and need, talk about it, and get it AND find out what it is that he wants and needs in the relationship. I suggest going by yourself to a therapist first. The sex issue is a symptom of the larger issue of a lack of trust. By the way, it is perfectly normal and reasonable to not want to have sex with someone who you feel has hurt you. Congratulations on your weight loss and good luck with the rest of your journey. Feel free to e-mail me if you want to chat.
   — Carolynn J.

August 13, 2002
Hi Luvy, I was floundering on responding to this post because I could not give you a "fix-it" response. I feel for you because you did just realize that it was not the weight, it is him, he is emotionaly unavailable for your child also. I would suggest talking to him and explaining how you feel, maybe counceling, but if he is not open to change, you need to do some serious soul searching, everyone deserves to be loved and hugged, and made to smile. Do not except any less for yourself. sometimes the hardest change is often the most rewarding to your soul. I really hope that you can talk it out and find a comfortable place to be in your relationship. Some people are just not very emotional and lovey-dovey, I am like that at times and my husband told me that it hurts him, makes him feel like I do not want him, I would not even make time for a "Hello" hug, I would push him away. But, after we talked about it, I work at making sure I take the time for us. And I do have to make myself do it,not because I do not love him..I do. We have kids and I get caught up in being "mommy" and can't switch to wife in an instant, I know this is a little different from your situation, but the same in as much as My not showing affection. I just wasnted to let you know that if you can talk about it, he may not be able to turn into DonJuan, but can make a concious effort to show more affection and make things better. My thoughts are with you, if you need to talk...I am here
   — Patricia R.