Question:
How can I lie to my family?
MY DH WANTS ME TO LIE TO ALL OF OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS ABOUT THE TYPE OF SURGERY I AM HAVING. I DO NOT WANT TO LIE TO THEM. I HAVE BEEN TELLING THEM ABOUT WLS FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW, SO WHY WOULD I LIE? HE SAID HE IS EMBARRESSED TO HAVE TO SAY HIS WIFE IS HAVING WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY. WHAT SHOULD I DO HERE...I TRIED TO TELL MY BEST FRIEND THAT I WAS HAVING GALL BLADDER SURGERY AND I FELT LIKE A REAL CREEP LIEING TO HER. I ALSO TOLD MY MOTHER (MY MOTHER LIVES 18OO MILES AWAY AND I AM CLOSE TO MY MOTHER INLAW) IN LAW THAT I WAS HAVING THE SURGERY AND MY HUSBAND FREAKED OUT ON ME BECAUSE HE DIDNT EVEN WANT HER TO KNOW...IS HE JUST TRYING TO HUMILIATE ME ONE MORE TIME...I WANT TO SCREAM!!! THEN HE TOLD HIS FRIEND I WAS HAVING "FEMALE SURGERY" (WHAT EVER THAT MEANS)...I JUST WANT TO SMACK HIM...SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE OR ATLEAST THE NUMBER TO A GOOD DIVORCE LAWYER... ;) SORRY TO POST ANNONYMOUS...BUT UNLIKE HIM, I DO NOT WANT TO HURT HIS FEELINGS BY HAVING HIM READ THIS IN OUR EMAIL. — [Anonymous] (posted on April 13, 2000)
April 13, 2000
Girl, you have deeper problems than your weight. Your husband should be
happy for you taking this step to improve your life. It doesn't sound like
he's being supportive at all. And if you go along with him, you're
allowing him to run your life and perhaps even ruin your success. I do not
think you should lie simply because he tells you too. You should stand up
to him and tell him you are not embarrassed at the fact that you are
improving your life and he shouldn't be embarrassed either. Either he's
with you or he's not. Its a hard thing to have to do alone, but it has
been done. I wish you all the best of luck. Keep us posted on how things
progress.
— Sonya H.
April 13, 2000
Dear annonymous, I can be ruthless,but here go`s. Tell him to get over
it!!! tell him to love you and not worry about what other people think,to
back you 100% with this life saving surgery and that you will be much
healthier and happier and thats nothing to be ashamed of,and last but not
least to quit being so shelfishby worring about his feelings.
My husband backs me 100%, although he is very jealous of the time I spend
on this site(and doesnt want to here about it,the site that is) so oh
well,he`ll get over it.this is my life,like it or lump it,I`m not hurting
anyone.
I said i could be brutal,you need to do whats best for you,no ifs ,ands,or
buts,if that means telling the truth ,so be it. GOOD LUCK.
— nancy T.
April 13, 2000
My dear friend, I feel so sorry for you because you don't have a
supportive. If you feel you must lie to keep peace, then do what you have
to do. But I tell you, it won't make you feel any better. At first, I
said I wasn't going to tell anybody. But honey, I was so excited that I
told everybody when I was given a surgery date. And guess what, I have
even more support than ever. Everyone at my church knows, all my family
knows. Everybody is very supportive. They think I am very brave to do
something like this to help myself.
My husband is not Mr. Wonderful. But in this, he has been very supportive.
He knows that it will benefit him also. I am 6 weeks post op and have
lost 45 lbs. He is so proud of me. He was embarassed that I weighed 300
lbs. more than anything else (even though he didn't act like it). I was
more embarrassed about me weighing that much.
If he isn't supporting you now, I'd hate to have to depend on him after the
surgery. You are going to need all the support and help you can get.
Honey, if you need to talk, I'm here to listed. I'll be praying for you
and your husband.
— Carrol M.
April 13, 2000
Dear sweet lady ... it sounds like you're in a position where it's time to
think about YOU, not anyone elses feelings or embarrasment, but your own
health & well being. Tell the WORLD what type of surgery you're having
if you wish. If your husband can't be loving & supportive of your
efforts to improve your length and quality of life, then ... well ... maybe
you do need to look for a good attorney. Is he also embarrased that you're
overweight to begin with? Is HE overweight but does not want to face is
own issues? Is he afraid he'll lose you if you lose weight? I wish you
all the best, and please be honest with yourself and anyone and everyone
else you wish ... don't protect your husband from the embarassment of your
improving your health by having this surgery. HUGS!!! :)
— Sherrie G.
April 13, 2000
...........
— [Anonymous]
April 13, 2000
Have you asked him how he's going to explain your rapid weight loss?
Explain to him that his moment of self-inflicted embarrassment when you
tell the truth will be a lot easier than fending off questions from
concerned friends and family who wonder if you are seriously ill or dying
while they see you melting away. You are going to have a dramatic loss the
first 3 months, possibly accompanied by hair loss. Would he be happier to
let people think you are battling cancer and didn't care enough to tell
them? It would seem the logical conclusion if you see those symptoms
appear on the heels of "female surgery". He's going to look a
lot more foolish if 5 months from now he has to stammer his way through lie
after lie to explain the changes people will see. If you can't get him to
see logic, just stand up and tell him it's your body and your surgery and
whether you choose to share it is your business. (I know - it's probably a
lot easier for me to say than for you to do, but at least think about it)
— Kasey K.
April 13, 2000
When I read your posted message, I felt so much pain for you, you see not
to long ago in my life I was with a man that treated me with such
disrespect... Fortunately, I seen the light... I am now married to the most
wonderful man... I must say I can relate with your feelings... and right
now I can only guess that you have been beaten mentally down so much with
this man that you feel somehow obligated to lie for him... but honey you
are lying about something that will effect you so dramatically and make
your life so much better, please for your sake, stop lying, all lying does
is make you feel guilty; is he hopeing you will feel guilty enough that you
will change your mind? I can't stand control (been there done that) and
it's not healthy! You are mentally unhealthy right now, but I can
guarantee that after you have this surgery your mental health will improve
just as your physical appearance does, and you will become stronger, and
honey if he does not change for the better... then leave him. (my opinion
only) I personally feel that if he thinks he can control you with this
issue, just think when you start wearing clothes he does not approve of or
doing things with people he does not approve of... this kind of control
does not end, unless you end it. I wish you the best of luck and if you
need support I am here for you! take care! :-)
— Jamie T.
April 13, 2000
There should never come a time when you have to lie to your loved ones
about this surgery. Your husband is on the wrong track. He should be proud
of you for making this tough decision to have wls. It means that you wil
live longer and be healthier for it. If you lie to your friends and family
won't they think that you are sick with something you didn't want to tell
them you had? Don't deny yourself to maybe help someone else facing this
same situation in the future. I haven't regreted my own surgery and I want
to let everyone know about it! Good luck!
— char T.
April 13, 2000
I agree with Ava (bless you, dear!)...it's not like the minute we announce
we're having the surgery, people will suddenly realize we're huge. I've
been selective about who I tell ... at work, I've told a few of my close
colleagues, and everybody else is getting told "I'm just having some
plumbing rerouted" and they can read into that whatever they want. My
husband isn't all that supportive, but basically that's too bad for him, I
don't need his permission to improve my life. My mother and sister are
very supportive, so I draw on that. This surgery is about you, not about
him (much to the eternal chagrin of the male species, having something not
be about them!). Tell who you want and be done with it. We've lied all
our lives ("no, Mommy, I didn't eat all the cookies in the bag";
"no, honey, the kids must've eaten all the Halloween candies,";
"no, I didn't buy ice cream this week"), and we need to put the
truth in perspective. I feel for you, and send all good thoughts your way.
— Cheryl Denomy
April 13, 2000
Hi. Your statement "Is he trying to humiliate me one more time"
has me very concerned. Has he been doing this to you for long? How much
of an issue is your weight in this relationship? Is his attitude about
YOU, or about the weight? Is he controlling, and worried that if you lose
weight, he will lose control over you? I told some people, like coworkers,
that I was having surgery to correct a metabolic disorder. Good luck, and
if you ever want to talk, please email me. Jaye Carl, RN, open proximal
RNY (divided) 7-29-99, 102 pounds gone forever!
— Jaye C.
April 13, 2000
I'd tell him to PACK SAND!!!
— [Anonymous]
April 13, 2000
I am sorry for the problems your having right now with your DH attitude. I
want you to know I am here if you need to talk. I had to respond to your
post because what you said really upset me. HE is the one with the problem
not you. His attitude is awful and needs to be addressed. Do not let me
make you think you have to lie to people about having this surgery!! PLEASE
PLEASE do NOT be ashamed of having this procedure! You should not lie about
it to anyone. It is so important that you know in your heart that this is
the right thing for you. Would you be ashamed or lie if you had another
disease like cancer and needed to have surgery to fix it? Do not let him or
anyone else for that matter make you feel bad or ashamed about this.
Obesity is a disease like any other. Please write to me if you need to talk
or advice or whatever! I am here. I know we are strangers, but I am a good
friend and always have a shoulder to lean on and two ears to listen!
Take Care,
Crissy
— Crissy O.
April 13, 2000
By asking you to lie, your husband is asking you to deprive
yourself of the love, support and encouragement of your
friends and family. I think his behavior is morally
reprehensible. My advice is to follow your heart - heck,
tell everyone! Once the cat is out of the bag, what can he
do? If he complains, tell him to get over it - it's YOUR
body, YOUR life and YOUR choice. Gee, this sounds like a
pro-choice speech, doesn't it? ;-)
— Kim H.
April 13, 2000
e-mail me, I'd like to respond more personally to you.
— Lenore G.
April 13, 2000
I wish that I could give you a good answer to this question.
My husband actually reacted very similiar. However his reaction was after
the fact. He did not want to tell anyone that I had the surgery, only now
that I am nine months post op is he willing to tell some people. He is
very supportive now, however still states that he doesn't want people to
know about te srgery because then they will know how obese I was. I never
hid anything from my family or friends or even my co-workers. I am very
proud of my accomplishment and my new self. I disagree with you having to
lie to people so close to you. You need all the support you can get for
this. It is a tough ride, but very much worth every curve. My prayers are
with you.
— kelly P.
April 13, 2000
I am so, so sorry that you are being treated this way by the person who is
supposed to love you the most. If the two of you can't agree to tell the
truth, then agree to to say, "that's a private matter we don't wish to
discuss". Perhaps the two of you could benefit from counseling.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
— [Deactivated Member]
April 13, 2000
I was so touched by your posting and so sorry to hear you are in such a
predicament. But I also hope you can tell by the encouraging responses
from many on this site that you are not alone, and that we care for you
here, even if your husband does not. I am single, so I cannot honestly say
I have experienced what you are going through. But I know that many of us
have had adverse reactions from loved ones and friends when finding out
about this surgery. There are 2 big reasons for it - fear and power. It
is quite normal for those around you to experience fear with WLS. Not
enough people know about this surgery, and few non-obese people even
understand it, much less embrace it as a choice. Horror stories and
ignorance add to fear. Try to educate by providing materials on the
subject. If he chooses not to be informed that is his choice - it is also
YOUR choice to put your foot down and tell anyone you please about any
aspect you please. YOU DO NOT NEED HIS APPROVAL OR PERMISSION JUST BECAUSE
HE IS YOUR HUSBAND. The other reason for a lack of support is power. You
don't say it directly, but I got a sense between the lines that your life
together may not be on firm ground. If indeed your husband has other
issues, you must realize that resolving your weight problem will not
necessarily solve it. With this surgery you are taking control of your
health, well being and your life. It sounds to me like HE has had this
control over you and now that he sees you are becoming your own person, he
is reacting adversely. A spouse's obesity is commonly how the other spouse
maintains control - by making you feel that no one else would dare take
you, so you have to do everything he wants you to do in order for him not
to leave you. This mentality is incredibly unhealthy. Is he obese as
well? If so, then first of all he has no business being ashamed of you.
Second, he could be feeling incredibly insecure about himself as he sees
you making a major poistive change and he does not. He may feel you won't
love him the same way if you are thin. Try to assure him this is nonsense.
I heard very good advice at a recent support group meeting where they said
to see a psychiatrist before, during, and after surgery, and this is great
advice. You are going through tremendous changes now, and so are your
loved ones. Don't be afraid to ask for help. At the very least, try to
get your husband to attend a support group meeting with you. He'll hear a
lot of good things. I wish you the very best, and please don't give up on
yourself. YOU DESERVE BETTER!
— Paula G.
April 14, 2000
Paula Green's response was great. Power and Fear. I have tried to educate
coworkers about it, so I brought in the article about Carnie Wilson to
work. Nothing positive was said at all and, as a matter of fact, one
stated, "A stomach the size of your thumb? Why even bother
eating?". If I could add one more isse to Paula's - jealousy. Other
people who have issues they can't resolve in their own personal lives hate
to see others succeeding at resolving theirs. Best wishes.
— [Deactivated Member]
June 18, 2000
You need to feel good about yourself and if your husband can't help you do
that, I bet your Mom, Mother-in-law and best friend can. 12 years ago I
went on optifast and lost 75 lbs. I can tell you from experience that
co-workers worried that I had all sorts of illnesses ranging from cancer to
AIDS. My friends who heard the rumors corrected them whenever they could
and I corrected them if someone actually was brave enough to ask. I
personally have only told my Mom that I plan on having the surgery. The
main reason is not from embarrassement but the fear that I won't get
approval. Once approval is given, I plan on meeting with my best pals and
letting them know because they would NEVER forgive me if I didn't. For
co-workers who I don't know very well, they will get Jaye's answer, I am
having surgery to correct a metabolic disorder. That gives them enough
honest info to satisfy curisosity without invading mine. If someone wants
more, I will evaluate my response depending upon their reasons.
More importantly, if your husband is acting like this now, he may not be
able to deal with the new you. He could possibly try to set you up for
failure is subtle little ways and you cannot let that occur. Your Mom,
best-friend and yes even your Mother-in-law are going to be the ones you
need. If you could get him involved in marriage counseling now, you may
save yourself a lot of heartache later.
Best of luck and hang in there
— Kelly B.
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