Question:
Issue with extra skin body image/desirability
I am 2 years post-op and have lost 210 lbs and am about the weight I want to be. I always wear blouses with at least 3/4 length sleeves and capri pants that go below the knees because I'm so embarrassed about how my body looks. I can't afford body contouring or reconstructive plastic surgery and I'm sure insurance won't cover because I don't have any problems with sores or infections. Every part of my body needs "fixing" -- arms, legs, torso, etc. I want to start a relationship but I'm so afraid that when a guy discovers my "secret" extra sags and bags, that will be the end of that relationship. Even though I've gotten noticed fully clothed, I'm so afraid to be seen even short sleeves. Don't get me wrong; I'm very greatful for the weight loss and all the health benefits and I'm working very hard to keep myself healthy. If only my body image would catch up. Anyone else have this experience? Anyone have any advice? — skileysc (posted on June 11, 2008)
June 11, 2008
It has been 10 yrs since I had my first WLS and 8 years since my last one.
I spent many years with no health insurance and/or insurance that won't
cover plastics. I live in Houston where right now the highs are in the
90's and with humidity it feels like 100 and summer hasn't even started. I
am still wearing sweaters and 3/4 sleeve shirts to work and long men's
tshirts for casual wear because my arms are so bad. I love the babydoll
tops that are out now because they are longer and cover the tummy but
finding them with 3/4 length sleeves in summer is a trick. Pants are ok,
capris are ok, shorts are even ok as long as they are not real short but
basically I could use a re-do from the neck down!
In my post-op journey I have had many twists and turns involving
relationships. I divorced the first husband because he admitted to never
having loved me, met another on the rebound who turned out to be an
abusive, possessive alcoholic, transferred addictions and became alcoholic
myself for 3.5 years, sobered up met someone who claimed to love me then
wrote in their journal how hard it was to look past all my physical defects
(and named them specifically) and left it out where I could and did see it.
Almost lost it over that and almost drank again but instead kicked his old
baggy saggy butt to the curb but couldn't trust anyone that said that said
they loved me no matter what. That jerk did a real number on me. Last
year I re-married yet again to a man who I had been friends with for a
couple of years and this time when he told me he loves me and I am
beautiful I believe it! Am I happy with my body? Nope. Can I live with
it? Yep.
All I can suggest is taking things real slow, build trust, maybe even admit
some of your insecurities beforehand and see how they handle that. Watch
them. See how they react to other people, especially heavy people. See if
they deal only with the surface or if they look for the person below. If
by chance they make a crude remark call them on it and explain why it
bothers you and then see if they do it again and again or if they are more
mindful. If you are a praying person, pray that the right person be put in
your path, the one who can see you for you and love you for you. If you
have access to WLS support groups attend them. Who better to understand
our fears than someone else who has them too?
I hope some of this helps. I've run the gamut on this thing and hope I
didn't scare you but do hope that I inspired you that the right person will
come along and will love you no matter what as you will them.
Best of luck to you!
Kellye
— Kellye C.
June 11, 2008
Hi Shannon, I'm 3 years post op and I lost a total of 230 pounds and I know
exactly how you feel. I do have extra skin and don't have any problems
with it either. I never have had any rashes or anything. I used to have
alot of problems with my skin before I lost the weight but now I don't have
any problems. I never wear shorts. I do feel better now then when I was
heavier though like in bathing suits and stuff but it is very hard to deal
with. Especially trying to get clothes to fit right. I look fine with
clothes on but naked its hanging everywhere. Believe me I know exactly how
you feel. But I guess there isn't much we can do but pay to get it fixed
or live with it. I look at it this way it's better then the way I used to
be. Take care, Jeannie
— jjeanniespets1
June 11, 2008
Hey Sweetie!! Welcome to my world!! NOt only do I have the excess skin I
also have Psoriasis which I have had since I was a child!! Let me tell you
my story!! I was married twice both times being a heavy woman, and now that
I am below my goal weight and have the excess skin and psoriasis.. I go out
and meet people ok Men and get to know them and at my age (44-50)group I
realised that hey no one is perfect either!! There is no hard fast rule
that because we look awesome in clothes that we will the same naked.... I
go out meet and after the 2nd or 3rd date and things seem to be going in a
direction then I spill the beans.... about the WLS and my extra skin in a
way that its cool with me but I just did not want you to be surprised kind
of way and moved on with the next topic to talk about... If you make it
your universe then it willt ake over your universe!! I make it sound small
and insignificant and it becomes that way... I am now in an awesome
relationship with a great guy who at our age has his own health issues
which I have to decide I can deal with or not and my issues are cosmetic
nothing more.... his are serious... mine are not.... I had issues going
away with him because going to the bathroom with the awful smell was an
issue I found great bathroom spray and a drop thing to put into the toilet
before and you know what its all good!! so get out there and get dating adn
just relax there is someone for everyone!!!
Good Luck
— Elisa S.
June 11, 2008
I wish I had some advice for you. I guess it would be to find a decent guy
who saw beyond the skin problems. I've come into the same problem. The
person I was dating said he was more attracted to me physically when I was
"plump". (I've gone from a size 26/3x to a size 8/L.) Yes it was
cruel, but I have to respect him for his honesty. When I look in the mirror
I feel like I look like I am melting. No matter how a person dresses up the
saggy, baggy arms (i.e. wings) I still can't get over how much more
unattractive I FEEL then when I was fat. Everything on me flaps when I
move. I am sorry if this is a downer. I know I have to "get over
it" and look at the positives. I'm really struggling with things. I
feel like I was prepared for the possible complications, but I was not told
there would be trade-offs. Somedays I wonder if the trade-offs were worth
it. I'm really struggling with saying yes, they were. This is definitely a
journey, and I just have to remember not to be so hard on myself. I am
human, and they did surgery on my stomach not my brain.
I wear various cinching-in-clothing, girdles, "body armor", and
spandex under my outfits. It's painful to get on, but once I do I feel
better about my shape. At least when I sit down the "fat person"
doesn't come back anymore. Lol, it's definitely a mind trick that is
messing with me.
I wish you the best of luck in finding someone special.
P.S. For all of you out there that want to rally and come down on me and
be....well...downright cruel as I've often found this site... don't bother.
I won't be responding to your meanness. I might be a "Negative
Nelly" right now, but maybe I am just not in the rose colored glasses
stage of my journey yet. You'd be wasting your energy reprimanding me for
not appreciating this "gift". You have no idea where I'm coming
from or the issues I'm having. I do appreciate the tool I've worked hard to
get for myself. I am blessed that I have been capable of providing it for
myself and my continued health. Thank you.
— NicoleC23
June 11, 2008
I had to learn to love me for who I was not what I looked like..Am still
contemplating plastic surgery but want to lose the weight I have regained
and also I want more kids so am still batteling.But I had the same issues
with my arms..I felt soooooo conscious of them that all I wore anad mostly
still wear is 3/4 sleeves.But one night I decided to hell with this and
went out with a short sleeve on and guess what?? No one seemed to care
except me...I live in the Caribbean and heat is an understatement so I know
what you must be going thru with heat in your area as well.Fortunately in
the Caribbean..most of the men like their women big.They dont find thin
women attractive at all...so am okay with the relationship part..I still
have issues with insecurity but I try to keep telling myself that others
will treat me the way I allow them to treat me.Like one of the other ladies
said..if you make no big deal of it others probably wont either and those
that do probably are not worth you time anyway.You should be accepted and
loved for who you are not what you look like, fat thin or in between. I
like my body better when I was fat as well but I dint feel as healthy
physically or mentally then.Am in a much better frame of mind now..my body
will eventually catch up..you have come to the right group..it is very
supportive and helpful and comforting to know that you are not alone with
all this.
— caymanbabe
June 12, 2008
While you are worrying about your extra skin, the guy is going to be
worrying about his "size" or his body hair or how much money he
makes. We all have issues. When you find the RIGHT person for YOU, it
won't even be an issue. Maybe you will even find a guy who has also lost a
lot of weight and can empathize. The world is open for you and who knows
what kind of great person you will find! Don't let yourself get in the way
of your future. You've come too far! Think about yourself 2 years ago and
how you felt. Then think about now; how much better you can move and
breathe and live! :0D
— MAG
June 12, 2008
Sounds to me like you need to take a close look at the type of guys you are
attracted to. If you are only interested in 'good looking' buff body type
guys then you cant blame them for wanting the same thing in a female. Guys
with defects of their own are more inclined to overlook defects in their
mate. If you want to develop a serious relationship with a man then make a
serious commitment to get to know him first. Don't fall in love with him or
move in with him until you have spent several months getting to know him.
— an_old_fisherman
June 12, 2008
It is tough to accept the "NEW YOU" and you've had a tremendous
weight loss. Congrats on that first...and although plastic surgery is
expensive...you know it's probably going to be what you want to do in order
to feel complete. Yes, realistically and in the grand scheme of
things....losing the weight.....regaining better health....and knowing that
you've crossed one heck of a hurdle should be enough to make your self
esteem soar.....I am with you in the feeling that when I was heavier...I
felt almost better about my skin....because it was "filled"
rather than deflated and hanging. I've lost 95 pounds and need to lose 62
more to reach goal. I already know I need a tummy tuck, arm work, and
breast work. Thighs..yes...they need help too....but that's last on the
list. Can I afford it? Nope. Insurance MIGHT cover the tummy....that's
it. I know it's difficult to handle looking int he mirror....finding
clothes that make us feel attractive and that hide the flaws that are tough
to hide...and sometimes uncomfortable to hide in the heat of summer. I
really have no advice dear......I only have compassion and empathy for
you.....because I'm right there with you! It is sad that we can't get over
those physical flaws.....and insecurities.....and move on with our GREATER
SELVES so that we can do GREATER THINGS! I too believe that there is
someone out there for everyone....being honest and upfront...and even
comical about it....can help. Once you meet a man and get to know
him.....share your story....and let him in on your fears and insecurities.
Any decent man....that you'd want in your life...is not going to care one
bit. My husband was recently asked how he felt about my body. He's an
incredibly honest man.....someone that I trust with my life.... he gave me
an honest answer.... He said... "I do find you more attractive now. I
know you don't like your body, but it looks fine... but you have to
know....that for me.... it's your face that has always had me.....and your
personality....and your expressions...that make you beautiful."
See..... he didn't say my body looked FABULOUS...but fine......and that's
what it is....fine. Men.....any decent one...as I said before... is going
to care more about your face......your eyes...your mouth....your
intelligence...your humor...your overall personality.....before he even
gives one hoot about the fact that your body is flawless. There's my two
cents worth dear.... hope it helps to know that you are not the only one
dealing with these issues. Perhaps it's a girl thing...but I'm sure many
of the WLS men can relate as well. I do think women are more sensitive
about it though. Best wishes...hugs....Cheryl
— Cheryl K.
June 12, 2008
Shannon ... first of all, congratulations on your weight loss. You've lost
my entire youngest son -- and HE's 6'5-1/2"!! As for the baggy skin,
I hear you. I did have an abdominoplasty in 2001, about a year after my
VBG, but I live in Ontario and there are reasons, 'tho now few and far
between, to bless universal health care -- the procedure was considered
"reconstructive" and not "cosmetic", so it was covered
by our provincial health insurance plan. But I still have bags and sags
and bunches and bulges where there didn't used to be any, and no amount of
exercise is going to cure any of it. I've been fortunate to have been with
my husband for 32 years (almost 29 of them married), and while I was going
through my pre-surgery Amazing Shrinking And Expanding Woman phase (I
gained and lost the same 150 pounds about five times between 1980 and my
surgery in 2000), he was busy becoming Receding Hairline Man, so we've had
the advantage of getting old and creaky and saggy together. But he loved
me fat and thin and in between and he loves me now. Pre-surgery, you might
have been like so many of the rest of us, grateful for any scrap of
affection or attention that any bag of crap that walked like a man might
have deigned to toss our way -- but post-surgery, at least for myself, and
for many others that have written on this website, I redisovered my own
worth. Any man worth your time will accept who you are and what you are --
and, unless the guy is Brad Pitt (who I don't believe is available at the
moment), he's not going to be perfect either. And if he doesn't have the
maturity and cajones to look past the wrinkles to who you really are, kick
his sorry ass right to the nearest curb. You no longer have to
"settle", honey. Be confident in your own self and in how far
you've come and in how much you've done to improve who you are. You
deserve better, and trust me, you'll find it -- it just might take a while.
Blessings always,
— Cheryl Denomy
June 17, 2008
If any of you who posted answers to my original concern read this, I want
to thank each of you for sharing your stories and for your wonderful caring
words of encouragement and inspiration. It has definitely helped me get
things in perspective. I wanted also to say to Nicole, thank you for
sharing your story about where you are right now -- sometimes I find it
hard to share because I'm not upbeat enough, but you made yourself
vulnerable enough to let me know that you understand where how I feel and
that you're there too. I hope you can get some comfort and inspiration
from some of the other answers that were posted here too. Also, I was
hoping I would get some responses from men, so I wanted to thank you, Bud,
for giving a male perspective on this -- also very helpful.
— skileysc
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