Question:
Anyone not get the support they were expecting from their spouse?

My husband claims to love me through and through....but as soon as I decided I wanted to have bariatric surgery, things changed...I've been to the seminars alone, the surgeon consults alone...I have given this man all the support throughout our 7 yr. marriage, but now I think he won't be there for me when I need him most....or does he fear that once I'm smaller he'll lose me?    — hollibean (posted on November 2, 2005)

November 2, 2005
Dear Holli, My husband doesn't talk alot about the surgery. I believe he knows that it is a very serious surgery and is scard of me dying. He also knows that when I have the surgery our lives will never be the same. Give him time. He will come around the more you talk about it. I'll be praying for you. Crystal
   — halfpint

November 2, 2005
Holli - I have experienced some of that. My husband and I have been married over 16 years. We have had our ups and downs and we have made it through so far. My husband has never been romantic or overly caring - so I have learned to expect that. But after having this surgery I did expect some sort of compassion and caring. I didn't receive much. My kids were actually the best support I had - and mine are little -ages 6 and 9. They took care of me - helped me those first few days after surgery. My 6 year old helped me clean my drain because I did'nt get to leave it at the hosptial - she wanted to be my nurse. Make sure you accept help from friends and family that are around if your husband isn't going to be supportive. Maybe he's insecure about your weightloss - if so you all need to talk about it. Good Luck!!
   — akirsch

November 2, 2005
Im sorry about the tough times with your hubby, but im in the same predicament. My wife wants nothing to do with my surgery. She doesnt want to hear about it, talk about it or make any preparations for it. She went to my first consult and now im on my own. But im not to worried about it. She is so scarred ,I beleive this is her way of handling it. So im not taking it personally. She has loved me at this size for over ten years , and im sure she will love me for many years to come. This is simply the way she deals with her fears and stress. Im guessing its the same with your husband. Best of luck to you
   — [Deactivated Member]

November 2, 2005
Hi Holly. I had my surgery on October 6th, 2005, not quite a month out yet. I understand EXACTLY what you are going through right now, and it isn't a great feeling at all. My doctor was/is 3 hours away. Every meeting, testing, etc.. I went alone. He acted as if he could care less. BUT as the surgery date got closer, he got worried, then scared. When I got home, he was attentive, considerate and helpful. I've lost 39 pounds, and I think he's more in shock then anything else.. I pray your husband will come around and see that you NEED his support, not only now, but after the surgery. You're in my thoughts and prayers... Reva
   — Reva Hayes

November 2, 2005
I know what your going thru. My beau doesn't even want to hear me talk about my surgery. I now weigh less that he does! He is jealous. I've lost 94 lbs in 4 1/2 months. Evertime that I even mention the fact that I am losing weight, he gets this real disgusted look on his face. His own mother is the same way. They are eat up with jealousy because I finally got my weight and eating habits under control. He does have the fear that he will lose you, because he has no self confidence or faith in the love and support that you have shown him all these years. But that is HIS problem not yours, you have enough on your hands just getting thru the shock and trauma of the surgery. DO NOT let him damped or hinder you ability to succeed at this. My beau and his mom try when they get the chance. God Bless Lap RNY 6/16/05 292/198
   — LilaDove

November 2, 2005
Holli, I am sorry for what you are going through right now. I am sure that in due time your husband will come around. As your emotions are running wild about the surgery, I am sure his are as well. I would not however push the subject on him. Let him take his time to come around. Melissa Smith
   — kizie23

November 2, 2005
Holli, for some people its hard for them to get behind a decision such as this because most times they have never walked in our shoes. Until a person does that and truly understands why support is not easy. He needs you to help him to understand. I would ask him why he feels you don't need surgery? What is it that he is uneasy with? My husband has been extremely supportive but lately very possessive. In the 25 years its the first time I have ever seen him act that way towards me. He goes to all meetings with me he is like one of the gang. I like it too! I am not crazy about the possessive attitude but everything else is just peachy to me! I am very lucky to find such a great supporter. At first he wasn't into the surgery. We talked and researched it more and I came home one day and said I am doing it and he has been there ever since. I hope you can educate him and talk to him about your situation. It will help you tremendously. I know its helped me a whole lot.
   — dcox94

November 2, 2005
My husband was dead set against the surgery also,thought for sure I was gonna die on the operating table . When I went for my first consultation with my surgeon my husband came too and we made sure he asked the surgeon any question he needed to ask to help calm his fears and it worked ,my husband has been my biggest supporter ever since. The fact I lost 24 lbs the first two weeks didn't hurt either :o) Good Luck Pam
   — sunnie

November 3, 2005
My husband went with me to my pre-op testing appt. and actually answered a cell phone call and sent text messages to his friends while the nutritionist was trying to teach us about nutrition labels!!! Man, was I pissed!!! Luckily, my surgeon was 2 hours away and we had PLENTY of time to discuss his lack of support issues on the way home. Now I am six weeks post op and down 36 pounds and we both couldn't be more thrilled. He tells me everday how great I look and how proud he is of me in regard to my commitment to walking every morning before work. He was the one that "harped" on me about getting my fluids in while I was recovering. It will take time for your husband to come around, but once he sees how happy YOU are with yourself and YOUR decision and YOUR results, things will get back on track! Sept. 23, 2005 314lbs. Nov. 3, 2005 278lbs.
   — gidget

November 3, 2005
I know that you are having a difficult time right now. I'm sorry to hear that your husband is not supportive. There are a few things to consider in this situation. First, looking back, honestly was your relationship going great before? It is possible that there were issues that were simmering and ignored about your relationship long before you started looking into this surgery. I would look at things with fresh eyes and try to see what issues were needing attention beforehand. Because this surgery is a major life-changing event, it would be easy to pin all the problems on that. The second thing to think about is what so many others have addressed, is my husband acting this way out of fear? That is a valid question. Fear is not something that a man wants to deal with so he may try to ignore anything that brings him to that state of fear. It is also very likely that his fear is not only that the surgery is dangerous and you could suffer harm, but it is a major fear that the person he married will no longer exist. How scarey is that? The fact remains that if one person in a relationship changes, the other must too. You need to examine all the reasons that you want to make this drastic change in who you are and how will this effect the people who developed this relationship. Nobody goes into a marriage to fail, just as nobody wants to have their relationship fall apart after losing alot of weight. So what are you willing to do to make sure that doesn't happen? These issues don't just mend themselves. You must be willing to talk openly and from the heart with your spouse. Examine why you want to do this, talk about how it will change you and decide how it will not change you. Reassure him that your love is not an emotion that is fleeting and superficial but that love is an action, a decision that you make everyday. A choice that was made at the beginning of your relationship, firmly rooted in action. And finally, remember how precious it is to have someone to share your life with and the price that needs to be paid to keep that strong. What price will you pay? Would you do what it takes to keep the bond alive? If so, then after all this soul searching and straight-talk with your man, seriously consider some couple's therapy to help work on the most important relationship in your life. It could be the help that you need to gain support from him and make the transition from the person you are now to the thinner you that you will become.
   — kimkovac

November 3, 2005
Holli ... I'm 5-1/2 years on the "other side" now, and my husband was not very supportive of my surgery at the time, and, truth be told, still isn't. But I didn't have this surgery for him, I had it for me. And we've been married for 26 years, together for almost 30, so we must be doing something right ... either that, or I learned that while he's a wonderful man and I love him to death, he's not one of those "touchy-feely-warm-emotional-let's-drink-cappacino-and-talk-about-our-feelings" types. He loves me, and I know he loves me, and if I'm looking for hearts and flowers I'm looking in the wrong place. I got my support elsewhere -- my mother, my sister, friends. And, to top it off, he hates doctors -- getting him to go to the OB appointments with me when I was pregnant with our sons was like pulling teeth. I think, too, that you have to think about what you mean when you say, "I think he won't be there for me when I need him most." To do what? Hold your hand? Be there when you wake up from the surgery? Do the laundry and take out the garbage and look after the kids while you're recovering? Hold your head while you're barfing up that ill-advised microwave scrambled egg two weeks post-op? If you need him to do those things for you, TELL HIM ... in my experience, if I give my husband a task ('hold my hand", "do the laundry", whatever) he'll do it; if I wait for him to think of it for himself, or to do it out of "love" for me, if I hold my breath I'll turn blue before long. And of course he's afraid -- you're afraid, too, and we were all afraid at some level when we were where you are. He's afraid you'll die, he's afraid you'll lose 100 pounds and run off with the lawn maintenance man, he's afraid you'll lose 100 pounds and suddenly notice he's been losing his hair for the last five years, he's afraid you'll lose 100 pounds and all the guys down the office will realize what a hot mama his wife is ... but he'll get over it. Maybe it's from being a communicator and writer in my professional life, but I've always thought the best way to solve a problem is to TALK ABOUT IT ... and allow him to have his "fussy" time. This is a change for him, too ... and a good one, in the end ... but right now he can't see past his fears. Give him time, give him space, and it's likely he'll come around. But remember, you're having this surgery for YOU, not for HIM. If he insists on being unsupportive, tell him (as a wise friend told me at the time I had my surgery) that you understand his position, and that he has the right to be as unsupportive as he wishes, but that you'd thank him very much to keep his negativity to himself; you have enough on your plate as you go through this journey without worrying about how he's handling it. Be strong and positive, and he'll come out on "the other side", too. Warm thoughts always,
   — Cheryl Denomy

November 3, 2005
Holly, i went to my first consult with my son, and thereafter went to all my appointments alone. My husband did take me for my colonoscopy and took me to the hospital for the actual surgery. I thought he did not care much, but later found out the, although he had not really talked to me about it, he had done research on the 'Net. Men tend to not be as "talky" about such things as women. People deal with things in different ways. If he has not said that he does not want you to have the surgery, then do not assume that he feels that way. Is he normally someone who likes to talk about feelings? He may also just feel ambivalent about you undergoing major surgery.
   — Novashannon

November 4, 2005
My husband was very supportive the day of and 3 months after the surgery. The more weight I lost the less supportive he seemed. He began to have problems with my new clothing and new attitude about myself. I wasn't going out buying mini skirts, just skirts that weren't down to my feet! I am the same person just a lot more outgoing because I am happier with myself. He was always the center of attention; the handsome one; Mr. Personality. When he had to move over and share the spotlight, he couldn't handle it. However, I was not surprised by his behavior because my surgeon warned me in advance that one side effect of WLS could be divorce. I completely understood his behavior because he was used to me being in his shadow. Now I'm moving or have moved to the forefront; and as he put it, "You just can't expect me to be able to handle all these changes in such a short period of time!" I put it to my husband like this, "If you want to leave me then go ahead and do it! It will be that much easier to get a new man, especially since I'm much smaller and more attractive!" Needless to say, he's still here! Expect the behavior, but you don't have to accept it. If you can understand it, then do so and help him understand what you're going through. If he's a lost cause, then move on.
   — CHARLOTTELVN

November 4, 2005
My husband was very supportive the day of and 3 months after the surgery. The more weight I lost the less supportive he seemed. He began to have problems with my new clothing and new attitude about myself. I wasn't going out buying mini skirts, just skirts that weren't down to my feet! I am the same person just a lot more outgoing because I am happier with myself. He was always the center of attention; the handsome one; Mr. Personality. When he had to move over and share the spotlight, he couldn't handle it. However, I was not surprised by his behavior because my surgeon warned me in advance that one side effect of WLS could be divorce. I completely understood his behavior because he was used to me being in his shadow. Now I'm moving or have moved to the forefront; and as he put it, "You just can't expect me to be able to handle all these changes in such a short period of time!" I put it to my husband like this, "If you want to leave me then go ahead and do it! It will be that much easier to get a new man, especially since I'm much smaller and more attractive!" Needless to say, he's still here! Expect the behavior, but you don't have to accept it. If you can understand it, then do so and help him understand what you're going through. If he's a lost cause, then move on.
   — CHARLOTTELVN

November 4, 2005
Hi There.... I had my surgery on August 3, 2005 and my husband has been getting more and more unsupportive and moody by the day. It almost seems as though I have an enemy instead of an ally. It's quite a horrible feeling, but I'm pushing forward with my weight loss and trying to not let him get me down. I guess he always thought I'd be fat and not care about myself and now that I've stood up for myself and faced my obesity, he's scrambling and feeling insecure, but he refuses to talk about things and instead launches mean attacks against me and is passive agressive to the point where he either yells at me or ignores me all together. I have an 18 month old son and I don't want him to learn from my husband's behavior, so the way that I see it, something's gotta give sooner or later. For now, I'm solely focusing on my weight loss. I have lost about 50 lbs so far, and it's funny how much more energy and self-esteem I already feel. I would normally feel sad and cry if he acted this way, and now, although it bothers me, I seem to care less every day. I am responsible for MY happiness, and nor he nor anyone will ruin it.
   — tscianca

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