Question:
Marriage
Who else of you, settled in marriage as an overweight person, and found that after you lose and get some self esteem back, that you want the other areas to be as healthy. My marriage was the conduit to my WLS. I didn't know that until after I married. I married an overweight man, and I think being middle aged, and fearing being alone, we are both guilty of taking the first thing that came along. He is a good person, and has seen me thru this. But he is not the kind of person to lift anyone else up,. He is rather self absorbed. I used to over look that, in lieu of the security that I had. But now, my body is healthier, and I have a chance at a longer life, and wonder... shouldn't I be healthy in the other areas of my life as well. I hope this question makes sense. I appreciate any feedback on this topic. — lesleigh07 (posted on September 28, 2008)
September 28, 2008
Hey Les, I was married previously and married only because I was afraid
that because I was so big that I would never find anyone else that would
love me. My mother kept using that as a threat to get me to lose weight
"you'll never find a man to love you looking like that"...Yeah
nice ...forgive her she knows not what she does..anyway that's a different
baggage comparment...it didn't seem to matter to me that I didn't love
him...well after 18 years and a substantial weightloss I did get up enough
nerve and self confidence to make the changes necessary...I did find
someone that loved me and that I loved as well still had the same weight
issues but the difference was that this time I married because I was in
love not due to fear. My x husband would have never been so supportive of
my surgery. My current hubby is my biggest cheerleader. My worry would be
that you would find your missing link in food and would start to see your
weight creep up again if you don't make changes to "fix" things.
If you love him that is one thing..but if not you need to find what makes
you happy...I know that is not the "christian" answer but that is
coming from someone that has been there and knows that it kills you on the
inside. Anyway email me directly if you want to talk more..you have my
email address...Would love to hear from you.
— bridgetann1961
September 29, 2008
Hi Leslie,
I had been slim when I married for the first time, I gained over a hundred
pounds after having four children. My marriage was already falling apart
so I went on a crazy diet, lost over 100 pounds and he didn't fall back in
love with, we struggled through another ten years and I regained all that
weight and then a few more for good measure but got sick from the weight.
I lost 100 pounds over the next year, had gallbladder surgery, divorced my
then husband. Now that I was thin again I found that I attracted a
different type of man but I was accustumed to the personality of the man I
had been with for 23 years I went right back into the same type of
relationship.
Oh well. I have new tools to loose weight and am developing a new mind
set. This time it is all about me!
Best of all things to you in your journey, remember that you only get one
life, you are the center of your world, you must be your first priority.
Mary-Anne
— mannecote
September 29, 2008
You are not alone in these thoughts, or in this scenerio, I assure
you.....
Back when I had my stomach stapled, after I lost the weight, I got a
divorce, for many reasons, but to summarize; I was not happy in the
marriage and stayed in the marriage only because I felt I had to... Once I
got some self esteem, I could not stay in that type of life... Only you
know what you need and feel. Don't let anyone pressure you in either
direction. Take your time, give yourself time to heal and recover from the
surgery and adjust to the "new you", then you can decide what you
want to do with your life aspects.... Best wishes.
— Gina S.
September 29, 2008
I can put my theory about WLS and marriage into a nutshell: if you had a
good marriage before WLS, it will become a wonderful marriage. If you had
a struggling marriage before WLS, it will most likely fail. WLS makes a
bad marriage worse and a good marriage better.
I hope this doesn't offend people and I'm sure that a lot of people will
disagree with me and that's ok, but, this is what I have seen in the past 2
years being surrounded by WLS friends and support group members. Marriages
get better or people get divorced with weight loss. I mentioned this to my
surgeon one day and he completely agrees. When people lose weight,
sometimes they finally gain the strength they need to put themselves first
and go for the gold in all areas of their lives and not settle any more.
Best of luck to you.. put yourself first.
Dawn Vickers, RN, BLC, CLC
— DawnVic
September 29, 2008
Mental health is just as important as physical health!!!!!
— pattschiele
September 29, 2008
Get into some counseling and get some professional help. You saw something
enough in one another to get married in the first place doesnt it seem,
much like your battle with weight loss, that you had to work at it. I wont
pretend to say i know all your particulars but if he infact supported you
thru surgery and getting off to a new life maybe its time to return the
same and help him get off to a new life with you. May GOD bless you in
whatever decision you need to make
— jeffinMI
September 29, 2008
lesleigh.. i feel regaurless of your weight you should never settle. i
believe everyone deserves the to be with the best possible partner, but,
why not try to make things work with the man u have? put yourself in his
shoes.. you just lost all this weight and now have this new confidence/self
esteem, and hes probably depressed b/c your getting attention from
everyone. you can never be happy if your always looking for the next best
thing. marriage is hard work, but when you put in the time and effort it
is worth it in the long run. good men are hard to find and yeah he may be
lackin in a few things but if you put in the effort and try to get him to
enjoy the same things you enjoy you might realize that hes a great partner.
hes stuck with you this long maybe its time you try sticking with him.
-Nicole, Married 5 years
— njnicole10
September 29, 2008
Yes Lesleigh, God will make all right for you. Geesh!!!
— John Hoffmann
October 3, 2008
Lesleigh,
Do you have children under 18? If so, stick it out. You chose to marry
this guy and you shouldn't ruin your kids life because your unhappy.
If your kids are over 18 OR you don't have kids then I'd tell him honestly
how you feel. He either "gets it" and you have a wonderful life
together or he doesn't and you move on.
Good luck, JW
— wilkin
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