Question:
A reminder about the purpose of Support Groups
Hi Folks -- I am 9 mos post op and have been reading these boards DAILY. There are several things that I remind myself of, to keep perspective, that others don't seem to: 1) To read and/or answer questions is OPTIONAL. No one has a gun held to their heads to be on this board. 2) New people are introduced to these boards daily - and may not have seen previous posts. No one is being forced to answer the same question multiple times. No one is being forced to read posts that they don't feel they are affected by. As an example, I ignore ALL of the insurance posts, as my insurance didn't cover a dime! What do I care who covers what now that all is said and done. I'm still paying for my surgery and can't change any of that at this point in time. Because of this, I have very little to offer people who need info on insurance. I don't gripe that there are too many people asking for insurance info! I just skip it. 3) This is a SUPPORT group --- support means different things to different people. More importantly, each and every one of us has a unique background that led us to this point. No two people will have the exact same experience. 4) The further out we get, the easier it is to forget the fears that we had RIGHT before the surgery that we would NEVER eat our favorite foods - the ones that got us to this place- again. Is anyone condoning the idea that it's ok to eat those foods in the amounts that we did in our previous lives? NO, we are not. It is important, though, that the pre and post op newbies understand that they shouldn't have surgery and follow it a week later with a "naughty". Down the line, you will be able to enjoy your favorites, as well as alcohol, but moderation will be key. On that note, your new tool will make moderation easier. You will not WANT to have more than just a taste. You won't feel good if you over indulge. If you don't indulge from time to time, though, you are likely to attempt to binge --- just like why the diets in our last lifetime didn't work. 5) Everyone should understand that just like we have different backgrounds, we all have different levels of discipline. There are several people who seem to be successful, even if they've given in to the occassional urge. Stating that they have done so does not give anyone permission to beat up on people for how they get by. 6) The most important thing for us to remember is that we all have different surgeon's who all have different programs. Folks, there is no such thing as right and wrong....just make it work for you! I didn't mean to climb a soapbox, but I know first hand how difficult it can be to be looking for help and be berated instead. There are things that we all know we shouldn't do....most of us have common sense, but to berate someone for asking is not right. I have no credentials other than my own experience - and I still consider myself to be a baby, but I am available to anyone who would rather ask a question one-on-one. Sincerely, Dani [email protected] — zandeldm (posted on August 25, 2008)
August 24, 2008
Thank you so much, well said!! I am a newbie post op and its getting so bad
on this board, im afraid to even post for fear of being flammed. There
seems to be people who just answer posts to make the poster feel bad for
being human.
— poohisme2
August 24, 2008
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have recently starting thinking badly
of this site. Thank you for saying what needed to be said. I wish you the
best in your weight loss. :)
— smd
August 24, 2008
Point well said!!! I am 16 months out and I do occasionly have the
forbidden but like you said not to the point that I once did. It is all
albout the learning pprocess. Thanks for putting it in writting.
— Alvernlaw
August 24, 2008
THANK YOU! You said what many of us have been thinking and I thank you.
There have been times when I know I've asked questions that I know have
been asked before but there are always new people to the site and depending
on timing there are different answers so it's ok to ask and it doesn't
matter how many times, you are right, if it doesn't pertain to you or you
don't want to answer, skip it. Well said and well done.
— PAWLLA L.
August 25, 2008
thank you for saying what most of us are thinking you are so rigth some
times i have bad food to eat but as of today i have lost 100lbs it will be
6 months 9-11-o8
kathy
— oldpepsilady
August 25, 2008
YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!!
— bikermama
August 25, 2008
Very well said. And just to add one more point if you're out far enough and
you don't like the questions the "Newbies" are asking there is
always the graduates board. I am almost 2 years out and I read every post
here as well daily. I have no problem with any question asked here, that's
what we're here for! We ALL need to remember that!
— Jean N.
August 25, 2008
The word lighten up might be a good useage here.......when someone...anyone
ask a question they should be ready for any all types of answers........you
have a group that are straight out rule followers and they are usually more
successfull and keep thier weight off.....they don't eat between
meals....don't eat foods they shouldn't.....don't eat but the 4 to 6 oz
that they are suppose to eat......thay stay away fron
carbs...sugar...sweets....and alochol......and that is thier choice and the
road they wish to take......and you know what....that's ok.....but when
they answer they are going to tell you like it is (according to them ) and
you should not be offened by them or thier answers because that's the way
they know best and that's the way they have lost thier weight so in some
way you have to respect that and the fact that they can be so
deciplined......
Then there are those that start playing with the eating around the band or
bypass and they are having trouble or don't understand why they aren't
losing as fast....they keep more carbs than they should in thier
diet....they have sweets more often than they should.....they eat and drink
things that have empty calories or way too many calories......and that's
what got us in the situation we were in before surgery.......thsi is all a
matter of choices....good and bad......and it's really important to know
that no matter what kind of WLS we have had....it was done on our
stomaches.....not our heads...and we need to deal with the head issues more
than the stomach issues....you need to continue to see a a physocil. and a
nutricianist (sp)....you should go to Support Groups ...they are so worth
it.......if you make bad choices then start over tomorrow but when you do
it on a daily or weekly basis you are setting yourself up.......am I
getting on to you...no...because there is only one person I am responsible
for and that's me....just me.....but do I want to see you succeed...yes I
do....do I want you to make mistakes I have made no......and if being
honest with you seems mean...I am sorry....I want to be more informative
than mean.......and if someone takes something in a negative maybe what
some of say is hitting home.......please be open minded when advice is
given...wether it's what you want to hear or not........you ask ....we
answer......the choices you make are yours and if
they help you thru this journey then good.....if they slow your journey
down......then that's ok too.......because they are your choices
.........there is not a person on this board or any other that wants to see
anyone fail.....maybe...just maybe that's why we are so passionate with our
answers..........WLS is a tool it is not a cure all and it is only as good
as the way you treat it and the choices you make........good luck in your
journey.
— pphillips4720aol.com
August 25, 2008
Dani,
Have I missed something? What is going on that has gotten you so upset? I
will send you a message personally as well.
Dawn Vickers, RN, BLC, CLC
— DawnVic
August 25, 2008
If I can throw in my two cents here ... I was a major smart-ass growing up,
and my mom used to tell me CONSTANTLY, "IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT'S
HOW YOU SAY IT." I notice a lot of very harsh answers that I feel are
unnecessary. The one that bothers me the most is when someone posts about a
slip-up and they get responses to the effect of, "WHY DID YOU EVEN
**HAVE** THIS SURGERY?" My answer to that is, who are any of us to
judge anyone else's journey? I highly doubt that there is one person on
this website who hasn't slipped up. I kind of expected the
"oldbies" here to behave as mentors for the "newbies."
I know that I personally need support and positive reinforcement along this
journey, and since I have very few "real life"
friends/acquaintances who have been thru it, I rely mostly on the people
here on OH. I pray every day that I will continue to find that support and
reinforcement here for years to come.
— lauren_marie
August 25, 2008
Dani, I enjoyed reading what you typed and feel that you are so right thru
it all. We all have gone thru diffrent things and will go thru diffrent
things. We can't follow the same steps our bodies aren't the same, we
aren't at the same point. A couple days after my surgery I was eating, it
wasn't a lot but it was food soft but food. My surgeon and nutritionist
told me ok if I could handle it. I have lost 155lb and it had been almost
2yrs, I sometimes eat a sweetie, but I don't tell everyone to do that, not
everyone can. I know what I can do and I know how I got over weight and it
wasn't from over-eating it was from illness I believe thats why from time
to time I can indulge where as my not be able to. I know the rules and I do
follow them but....not all things apply to all people.
— noreale
August 25, 2008
Well spoken, Dani. I am an RN w/35 yrs experience and although I agree
that support means a non judgemental attitude, I become frustrated with the
number of questions that are posted here when a member should be speaking
to the surgeon whom the member put enough trust in to perfom surgery, or
the nutritionist who guided them through the pre op course. All board
members should remember that no person (doctors included) is perfect and if
you don't get the answer to your question, remain exactly where you are and
don't leave the office until you do. My experience has taught me that
sometimes you just need to be stubborn about your question and become
insistent that you do not understand the answer or that the answer does not
answer your question.
Insisting on an answer is a patient's right !
— IcePryncesstoo
August 25, 2008
BRAVO!!
— sbonner
August 25, 2008
Wow! Ya know Im a year and 5 months out .Started at 310 and am down to 155
to 160 I have been on this site religiously since before I received
surgery. No I havent exercised like I should and yeah, I tend to sneak a
bite of cake from time to time. Although I know some things I do will not
behoove me in anyway, I tend to fluctuate with my weight but stay within
those parameters as mentioned above. After moving to an isolated area where
there isnt any kind of support group, I find that this is the only place to
get any kind of backup and questions answered. And I must say that i have
NOT posted on here since surgery for the very reason of what you are
referring to. Have to little energy to deal with the negative undertones
that people tend to expend. Which is sad , just for the fact that alot of
the slip up's that do tend to happen probably would be resisted with
support of some kind. I am by no means incompetent and know the reasons
why I had this surgery, on the days I slip I take the next day and start
fresh with renewed vigor. Unfortunately , the tendency to see the bad in
people, to condone and judge are the majority of people in the world.To
quell the desire to bash in those people, is the start of a new time of
enlightenment. To make people understand that we are NOT all alike is gonna
take a hefty shift in perception. I can honestly say, that reading your
post Dani, gives me a little hope that the first step is being taken, and
want to thank you. Now maybe I will post from time to time in order to get
the support that I need from people that share a common ground on
something. Thanks again, lets hope some really listen!
— AmmUnique
August 25, 2008
Hi, Dani-As with many of the folks, I agree whole heartedly with you. I am
a little over a year RNY and have often felt that I am ignored...both on
this sight and at the Support Group meetings. We all have to remember the
fear we went through...and remember our wonderful tool!! We went through
all of this for a healthier, happier and longer life and need to remember
"where we came from". Bless you.
— Sherry Leet
August 26, 2008
Thank you Dani, I think you outlined this just perfectly! I too have been
frustrated and angered by some of the rude and inconsiderate posts on here
in response to people who are just trying to learn and understand. I know
when I first started (I am 11 months out) I had tons of questions. I'm
sure they'd been asked 100 times, but "I" had not seen them
before, nor had I seen the answers. Yes, I could have called my doctors
office and asked them. But I was looking for feedback from people "in
my shoes", not people "educated" on the subject. ... I
understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and that when I
ask a question I should be prepared for any answer. But I also understand
that there are these things called compassion, and empathy. And If I
can't expect those basic human qualities in a community of people who
supossedly "know how I feel" and "have been there",
then where I can I? We are all human, and I personally do not know one
person who enjoys being treated like an idiot.
And just for the record, 95% of the people I see on here are phenomenal and
a joy to call a "support" group, and friends.
— Deni
August 26, 2008
Dear Dani,
Very well written. I used to browse the site daily but time constraints
have cut that down. I feel the policy should be "put yourself in the
other persons shoes" and be kind and compassionate. I'm about 4
months out from lap band myself. Thank you for taking the time to write
this important message.
Mary Hanley
— Mary H.
August 26, 2008
Finally: A Voice Of Reason!
I am a newbie and have been so happy to find this site. Mostly I have
appreciated the input, but I, too, have been disappointed at how some of
the 'veterans' blast the newbies. I keep thinking that maybe they feel a
kick in the butt is the best way to make a point. For some people, maybe,
but not for everyone. I just give them grace and try to remember that they
are trying to help.
This is my first post.
MaryB
— mkblan
August 26, 2008
Dani...You ROCK! Loved this post! Thanks!
— purplek78
August 26, 2008
Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
— Susan C.
August 27, 2008
Great post Dani Good Luck with your journey
— KajunMomX3
August 28, 2008
Dani, Well said. I am 5 yrs out as of Sept 30. I have the Q & A's sent
to my e-mail daily, I read them and if something pertains to my interest I
save that question and answers. I personally stopped my own questions due
to all the slamming. We each have a different road to travel and no two are
alike, we are simply here to share what we have seen of ourselves and only
to help. So keep an open mind to everyone elses road trip. Thanx to all
your sincerity. Pate
— pateblkbrn
September 1, 2008
RIGHT ON!!!!!
— Duckie
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