Question:
My wife feels like a model now. How can I remind her she's still a wife & mother?
My wife is 2 months post-op and I am concerned about her recent behavior. She has been having wild mood swings, is often very irritable, and refuses to keep the house in order while I am at work. I pull 24 hour shifts for the military, and when I come home my house is often trashed to the point of being hazardous. She spends all of her free time browsing this website, reading books, and going to the gym as soon as I get home from work. She doesn't seem to care about our house, and when I mention how bad it is she blows up at me and creates a scene. Has anyone else experienced this with a post-WLS spouse? What reasonable action can I take to make it better? It seems all she is concerned about is her new image and lifestyle, and the rest of us are just supposed to clean up after it. Help! Posted by concerned husband. — [Anonymous] (posted on September 8, 2000)
September 8, 2000
Your wife's behavior may appear to be selfish and self-centered, but could
it be she is just putting her needs first? Could it be that you are not
used to her putting herself first? Are you feeling a little left out? And
could the tension resulting from this new found self-awareness be causing
her mood swings and resistance to cleaning the house? It sounds to me as
if she is trying to do everything she can to make her WLS successful, and
my suggestion is that if having a house in disarray is bothering you, then
helping her clean it and being less critical would certainly be a
reasonable action.
— Allie B.
September 8, 2000
Dear concerned husband, I am 4 months post op and although I do not have a
husband or boyfriend, I can relate to what your wife is experiencing.
Although I understand it may be difficult for you right now, I believe it's
important to be patient with her. She is rediscovering herself in a lot of
ways - physically and emotionally. I have heard of some people going way
off the deep end with their behavior, and if this is REALLY happening, then
you should be concerned. As far as mood swings, perhaps some other issues
are coming into play. Perhaps she needs to get her hormone levels checked
or if she has been on a certain medication from before WLS, maybe she needs
to get those levels tested to see if her meds need to be adjusted. (This
is very common.) Any surgery (not just WLS) can throw your body out of
whack for a while, and it may take some time to bounce back. If you feel
it's really bad, then she should see her doctor. As far as house cleaning
is concerned, I have to be very honest with you and say that unless there
is nuclear waste in your living room, you need to cool it with this. I
understand that after coming home from work, you would like to see things
neat and orderly and just so, but women these days are no longer in the
1950's housewife mode. If she is taking time for herself to read, go on
the web, visit friends, go to the gym and do other things that she would
not normally have done before the surgery, then you should be very
supportive. There are far worse thinsg she could be doing. Society is
pretty tough on overweight women. As she loses pounds and inches and she
can imagine what she may look like in the relatively near future because of
what WLS has done for her, she is feeling more confident, happier, and very
good about herself - feelings she may not have had for a long time. I am
sure she also feels much sexier for her husband. Saying that, having a
new image and a new lifestyle doesn't mean that we don't have other
responsibilities, and keeping a household is one of them. But I do
understand that she may be wanting a little more freedom to do fun things.
Offer to do more with her - as much as your work schedule allows. Go to
the gym with her. Offer to HELP with the housework - many hands make light
work. But as I said, I think patience is in order here. Get excited about
the new things she is experiencing and talk about it. She'll be happy that
you care. Best of luck to you.
— Paula G.
September 8, 2000
If you cannot have a honest open communication path (no matter what,
surgery etc.) then counseling is always in order. Communication (calm,
cool and collected) should be welcome from both sides of the fence (you
& her each getting a turn). So if her repsonse is to just "blow
up" you'll get no where. Granted she may be "excited" about
her future, but she needs a little grounding if her children/famiy are to
the point of being neglected. She too may be going through a few issues of
her own that she doesn't know how to communicate to you, that counseling
may unearth. Counseling is investment in your marriage, most people buy
auto, life and house insurance but not marriage insurance- which is the
BEST investment to make. Get counseling quickly, if you work in the
military and she had surgery, you must have insurance. Most insurance will
pay for all, if not most of the fees. Before you say "she won't go to
couseling", Ann Landers has always said- then YOU go & the kids
go. At least you will be able to deal with the situations as they arise,
and learn from therapy how to care for your children if you think they are
not getting what they need from Mom. Good Luck to you.
PS- Mood Swings are not uncommon, losing large amounts of weight affect
your hormones etc. This she will not be able to help.
— Karen R.
September 8, 2000
Dear Sir,
I too sympathize with you as no one likes to come home to a wreck, although
I really feel your wife is the one who needs the support right now. No one
knows what it is like to be trapped in a body of an obese person and then
be let out. She is trying very hard to find herself and there is alot of
truth to the statement you cannot love someone else until you love
yourself. Give her time to find and love herself and be very supportive of
her. I was raised by a drill seargent and have always been around the
military lifestyle and realize you are not one to deal with disorganization
but life will go on. I imagine before her surgery your wife was a devoted
one and I can promise you she did this for her family as well as herself
and she will need her family to pitch in and do for her now. she will come
around and some counseling may be the answer for you both if there is none
near by champus will pay most of the expense and the two of you have a
chance to grow together, as she is now feeling like a complete woman. Your
marriage can flourish if you will nurture it. Good Luck, God Bless You and
I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.
— emma lavonne G.
September 8, 2000
I went through the same thing about 9 years ago when I lost 80 pounds. I
thought I was on top of the world, but in reality I was going through
"manic" depression. Everyone around me saw the problem but me.
You can be way up or way down, still depression. Get her to see someone, I
am certain she doesn't see it. GOOD LUCK!!
— ZZ S.
September 8, 2000
PS- At least she may read this question!!!!
— Karen R.
September 8, 2000
I imagine that as a person in the military you do not have any weight
issues(as my experience has been that they require you to be fit to be in
the military). When a person is offered a chance to feel "normal"
again, a member of society again, that person feels like they want to live
for once.....I will bet that things are going to change simply because your
spouse is changing. For once she gets to feel great about herself. It is
like a baby bird who flies for the first time, the mother helps the bird to
fly free... does not hinder the bird from freedom. That is the same kind
of analagy of most of us "big" folks who have been limited by our
size and the ridicule of society. When we are finally able to move around,
be free of that large body we once have had it, is like freedom and a new
life.
Part of the reason your spouse was heavy was heredity I bet, but have you
asked yourself what the other reasons are. Most of us stuff our feelings
so we do not have to deal with them(like an alcoholic)and when our food is
taken away from us we need to find other ways to cope. You and your spouse
may consider counseling to get through this....
— twenc
September 8, 2000
Dear Concerned Husband: I want to start by saying that I can see where you
are coming from but you must see where your wife HAS BEEN! That woman has
probably been heavy most of her life and she has just had a MAJOR surgery.
She is just now getting to discover the person she feels she is - it is
almost like being reborn. She is learning herself all over again. As the
others before me have already said, you are millitary, so I am sure you are
fit. If you could imagine carrying around one of your millitary buddies on
your back for days at a time without being able to put him down - then may
if you related that to your wife you could understand what she feels and is
going through right now. I hope that you and the family will give her a
little time to adjust to her new life and pitch in around the house. I
have a saying posted on my website that greats all visitors. It simply say
"Hurt by Hurt - One-by-One HE Healed Them All".....your wife is
healing - in more ways than one. Please just be there for her and give her
all the support that she has always given you. GOOD LUCK and My Prayers
are with you.
— anitawilson
September 8, 2000
Mood swings, irritable, failure to keep the house clean, sitting in front
of the computer all day? That sounds exactly like me when I was clinically
depressed. To other people, it may have seemed that I was self-centered or
lazy, but it was really depression. Having someone else criticize didn't
help at all. I don't know if your wife is suffering from the same thing,
but it is a possibility worth checking out.
— Lynn K.
September 8, 2000
Dear Sir, there is a statement in your question that I would like to
address. You wrote "my house is often trashed ...." . What
caught my attention is the"my house". If my dear sweet hubby or
myself ever refered to anything as "mine" rather than
"ours" I can tell you we would have major hurt feelings. Perhaps
you should look at yourself and your attitudes before complaining about
your wife. She is going thru a major change and is rediscovering herself
and just maybe you have said "my house" once to often.
Personally I would be tempted to tell you to "clean your own
house" if it is bothering you. I really think there is more to this
problem than you have shared. It takes two working together to have a
successful marriage. That working together means emotionally, mentally,
spiritually and physically.
— [Anonymous]
September 8, 2000
Depression is very common during the first few months after this surgery.
I went through it myself and was very irritable. I understand a lot of
people take antidepressives to combat it. Also, at two months, I was VERY
TIRED all the time. Perhaps your wife could use your assistance and
support during this time? After all, she did just have very major surgery,
on par with open heart surgery, only two months ago. Her body is going
through incredible changes right now.
— Beth B.
September 8, 2000
I believe your wife is going through alot of changes and needs time to
adjust. Please be patient.
— [Anonymous]
September 9, 2000
Hello! I just came across your question, and thought I'd jot down a few of
my thoughts, however helpful they may (or may not) be. I don't know how
heavy your wife is (or was), but I do know that when you lose a significant
amount of weight, you deal with a 'reforming' of yourself, outwardly AND
inwardly... Kind of a 'rediscovery', and that covers a lot of ground,
including sexual rediscovery. Your wife is going through a lot of changes
physically, emotionally, sexually, and socially. She is 'finding herself'
in many ways, and you both may want to consider counseling (which I
personally think is an excellent idea for most who go through WLS, as their
lives DO change so drastically). I am hoping to have surgery yet, but I
also know that so much weight loss on my part will impact my life (and my
husband's) in ways even I cannot predict. I plan to seek counseling for a
two-fold reason: 1) To keep a handle on how I am changing and how my
outlook, views and goals will be changing, along with any conflicts I
experience due to so much outward alteration, and 2) To keep my husband
involved with these changes and make sure his voice is heard in a neutral
environment, where he can express his feelings. I already know one thing:
As I lose down and rediscover ME, I will NOT be the same woman he married
at 300 lbs... It is impossible. I will have new-found health, energy and
interest in life. It will mean positive changes, AND conflicts, too.
Because your wife is undergoing a major reformation of herself, you really
may want to consider counseling now. You will BOTH have to work together
on this one, as the changes she is experiencing does directly impact you,
your marriage, your family and your home. GOOD LUCK and best wishes!
— Michelle F.
September 11, 2000
You have to realize the hormone fluctuations that your wife is going
through. She probably had the same type of mood swings when she was
pregnant. Her hormones are going crazy, she's learning to eat a different
way, she's still recovering from major surgery, she's learning to see
herself differently...she has a lot going on right now! She is on this
site because she is looking for support and answers to her many questions,
just like the rest of us. If a clean house is that important to you then
get the kids to do more (if they're old enough) or hire somebody to come in
once or twice a week. She'll probably come back down to Earth eventually,
but don't expect her to be the same woman she was before the surgery.
— Kellie L.
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