Question:
How to get your family to agree with your desicion
I am scheduled to have the gastric bypass surgery on Sept. 19 and some of my family is not supportive. However, my husband is but my family is arguing with about it. I am thinking about postponing my date. They are talking like the worse is going to happen and with any surgery I know there are complications. — michelleislucky (posted on August 22, 2008)
August 22, 2008
If you're going to postpone, do it for YOUR OWN REASONS, not somebody
else's. If you have concerns ask the professionals, the people at your
practice. The fact that you qualify for this surgery means the risk to
your life staying at the weight you are at is greater than having the
surgery. Try that fact on your family. Seriously, there's risk in any
surgery. If you postpone, what do you expect will happen in the time that
you will wait for your next surgery date that hasn't happened already? Why
not have your family speak with your doctor and pose their concerns, if
it's enough that you are willing to put this off? If you're waiting for
100% approval from everyone in your life to do this, you're probably going
to be waiting a long time, though. People are entitled to their opinions,
but since this is your body and your illness (obesity is an illness) then
isn't your opinion the one that counts? I wish you good luck in your
search for the answers you need.
— Shirley D.
August 22, 2008
I had the same think for a while from my Mother, but when she watched the
60 minute segment about WLS, she changed her mind. She was still a little
apprehensive but she did support me and now loves the changes. Go to the
station where 60 min is on (on the PC) and look up the WLS section and you
can see the whole thing. They have to feel better after that. They think
of losing you and what it would mean to your whole family. That is all
that is on their minds. DO NOT delay your surgery. It is your body, your
decision, your life. Blessings on you and your entire family. Pray. Lyn
— SkinnyLynni2B
August 22, 2008
Monica,
I would suggest that you first have a heart to heart talk with your husband
and address the concerns you have about your family. Then, together, I
would sit down with other family members and explaine to them that this is
your decission and that your husband stands behind you 100% on it. Let
them know that you are aware of the risks and complications and have
discussed them with your doctor however, the benefits outweigh the risks
and that is something you are willing to go through. If at that point they
still can not be supportive, I would let them know that you love them, but
can not at this point afford to have the mental stress right now and would
appreciate it if they kept their opinions to themselves.
You MUST do this only for yourself and no one else. It is a long and
difficult road, but the benefits of the surgery will be more than you could
hope for.
Don't change your date and don't change your mind just because others don't
agree with your decission. Stay true to yourself and if you are the one
having the doubts, address them with your doctor 1st and if that doesn't
relieve them, then consider a postponement. It is OK to be nervous.
Everyone is, but trust yourself and your doctor.
Best of Luck to you!
Katherine
— OnALooseLead
August 22, 2008
Monica
It is your body and your health. I am sorry that your family is not in
total agreement? If it is in the best interest of your health and
longivity, then keep your surgery date. It will be the best decision that
you can make. I have had some complications from my bypass surgery last
month. I would do it over again.
Jack
RNY
7/14/08
— jackgowen
August 22, 2008
Here is the ral issue. I had the same problem and there is only one what
that you can win them over and that is to take them to a support meeting.
That said they will not go. I tired and I decided I asked for their
support and I did not have it so I had to move forward.
Look at it this way. If you went to the emergency room today and they said
you had to have your appendex out today or you would die before morning,
you would not call for their approval, you just would do it. What is the
difference here? You are still going to die early if you don't have the
surgery, it just is not going to be by morning. The surgery is no more
risk, but you have had the time to get a full medical checkup to make sure
you are ready and able to have the surgery. You have set the date, and the
surgery is no more dangerious or complicated than having your appenex out,
so keep that date and move forward.
One last thought. Have you been to an old folks home and notice there are
no overweight people there? Did they just go on a diet to get in the
place? No, of course not, they are all dead. Yes, you weight if left
unchecked will shorten your life. You will most likely never see your
grandchildren, et alown see them get married. Why are you listen to people
that do not know what the medical facts are about what you are looking to
do. What is your doctors record. I asked mine in an open meeting and he
told me. Out of 6500 bariatric surgeries over the past 19 years, he has
lost one patient and that was in 1997. I was 62 years old when I had my
surgery and my cardoligest said that it was a big risk for me, but on the
otherhand I would pass in 3-5 years without substantial weight loss. Pass
what? Oh, I got it, die! If they are truley concerned about your health
they will go to a support group meeting and a doctors lecture with you,
otherwise, keep you planned date! Best of success to you.
— William (Bill) wmil
August 22, 2008
There is no info on your profile to go on, so I have no idea what kind of
surgery you are "thinking" about. But if yu are morbidly obese,
and you have health problems, and have tried numberous diets, and failed.
If your doctor thinks it is a good step for you to get healthy, if you
understand the possiblility of complications, if you have studied this
thing back and forth and decided this is the tool you need to get healthy,
you should do it, regardless of what anyone thinks. If your husband is
supportive, and he is willing to stand by you and he's the one you live
with. I would disregard what anyone else thinks. Alot of people that know
nothing about wls, asked me if I knew what I was doing. I am the one who
read for years, studied, weighed out all the pros and cons, and made a
decision based on that. I have lost 80 lbs, off all pre-op meds (Blood
pressure meds) My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner when I was a
little younger. So I could have enjoyed my youth in a healthy body. I've
had some complications. I've suffered with constipation, I had to have my
gall-bladder out on July 4th. I've Had some nausia from time to time. I
Had to learn that my relationship with food has changed forever. I can't
depend on it to get me thru anything emotional. But, I would do it all
again in a heartbeat. But this is YOUR life. You have to decided what is
best for you and your health. Make a decision based on how you feel, not
anyone else. I hope I have helped you in some way! Good luck!
— lesleigh07
August 22, 2008
I agree with what people have said so far. It is your decision and you and
your husband need to make the best decision for you - regardless of what
other's think. I was fortunate and my family was open to my decision. I
think what helped is that I sent a letter to all of them and told them my
decision. I attached the link to this website and the link to my doctor's
website and told them that if they had questions to please feel free to ask
me about them. The letter was phrased in a way that basically said
"this is the decision that I've made, I've made it under very careful
consideration, this is when I'm having it done, I'm excited about the new
lease on life the surgery will give me, and I love you all". Then I
made sure they knew how long I'd be in the hospital, who would be with me,
and encouraged them to call those people to check on my status. I didn't
really leave them room to try and talk me out of it or give me their
opinions. I think that made a difference too because I think they heard my
'resolve' and knew that this was 'as good as done'. I don't know if that
helps you or not. I hope it does. This is a life changing decision. A
decision that YOU really need to make with the support of your husband. I
know that it is hard not having family support, but ultimately you have to
ask yourself whether its worth staying unhappy and unhealthy just because
they are scared. I hope that you keep your surgery date and lean on this
site and the support we can give you during your journey. Good luck with
your decision. Keep us posted on how you're doing.
— MandyR
August 22, 2008
are you doing this for you or for your family? You havr to get healthy. And
if this is how to do it go for it. With anything there is a risk. Your
family doesnt have to live with being over weight and all the co
morbidiities every day. Dont postpone the best change in your life. You
will be very sad if you do
— Joanc
August 22, 2008
Sound like the "core" of your support group is in agreement with
YOUR decision and that's what counts. You will have to make make many more
decisions through your journey that they may not agree with. What does
your inner voice say? This is what's most important because YOU will live
with YOUR decisions. Best of luck to you as you begin your journey to your
dream come true. Keep us posted.
— bariatricdivalatina
August 22, 2008
I hope you don't postpone your wls date because of family support. I can
tell you this, when I told some of my family members about the surgery the
first words out of their mouth was "you are going to die" without
any information about the wls or the doctor doing the surgery. They never
considered how the surgery would help with getting me off the medications
I was taking for poor health. I came to understand that surgery is a risk
with complications, not just weight loss surgery. There are people having
surgery of all kinds and have complications, so don't think the worse is
going to happen because it is weight loss surgery. Pray about it, and than
listen to your gut feelings. We are here for you. I was so scared when my
wls date came, and this website helped me through every step of the way.
God bless you in your decision.
— Toby2
August 22, 2008
Have your family sit down and watch the following video; it is on CBS
News.com and is a segment from the TV show "60 Minutes" with host
Leslie Stahl. Once they watch this 12 minute video, I believe they will see
the tremendous benefits to your health and the improvement to your quality
of life, and will therefore support your surgery. Please don't postpone
your surgery; there are so many people who need it but don't have insurance
coverage, or can't get approved; you've been blessed! Here is the link you
can click on, or "copy & paste" the address to your browser.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/04/17/60minutes/main4023451.shtml
— Gina S.
August 22, 2008
You have to accept there may be some people in your family who will never
agree with your decision to have this surgery. You have taken an
important step to take care of yourself and this makes some people very
uncomfortable. They are scared of the potential changed family dynamics
and there will be changes. Your most important ally is your husband.
— janpmck
August 22, 2008
While it is important to have your closest family member (i.e. spouse,
parent, etc.) behind you, you are having this surgery for YOU and NOT for
THEM!!!! And if your husband is supportive of you--THAT IS ALL THAT
MATTERS, IN MY OPINION!!!! My mother has 5 sisters. 3 of them were for it
and 2 were not. Now that I am 1+ years out, they see what it has done for
me and are happy for me. I think they were uneducated and scared! Your
family should always be supportive, even if they don't agree with what you
are doing!!! I believe that those who are against it either have never been
heavy and do not know what obese people go through, or they are UNEDUCATED
in WLS or they are SCARED FOR YOU! The last two of the three are easily
remedied; however, if it is a non-obese person who is unsupportive, then
they clearly do not understand what you and millions of others like you,
are going through! Try to keep things in perspective and stick with those
who support you! Either the rest will jump on your band wagon, or they
won't...that is up to them! You can't change everyone--just concentrate on
yourself and the good you will be doing for yourself!
— ALafferty
August 22, 2008
WLS is a huge decision. It's personal and it's yours. They don't live in
your body, have or raise your children, decide where you live, do your
grocery shopping and laundry, or scrub your toilets...They don't come over
and tell you what clothes to wear , what house to buy or where you can
live...They don't go to work with you or pick your friends....so why would
you allow them to come in between you and a huge PERSONAL decision? Maybe
they think that if they protest long enough, it gives you a way out to
change your mind...Keep firm with your WISHES and DREAMS and live YOUR life
the way YOU want to. When all is said and done, they will still love
you...Thick or thin....
— .Anita R.
August 22, 2008
don't not have the surgery or post pone it. because of your family or
friends who dont agree. it you want to do this get -er-done. it is the
best thing i could have done for my self. do what the dr's tell you. and
don't worry about the surgery you will be fine. and very blessed might i
say. your in good hands.
— shadia616
August 22, 2008
hi my family was not supported of me neither back in 2002.what mad matters
worse my granddaughter was 3 months old at the time so of course my son was
laying the guilt trip on me that she needs me.dont do it.and my sister was
so dead set against it.well i went ahead and had it done.my sister who was
so against it saw how my weight was falling off went and had hers done
too.today im 130 lbs lighter and wearing a size 4-6. ps.in the beginning i
was really sick,but now im fine.good luck and god bless.
— deb44m
August 22, 2008
fear of the unknown -- fear of only hearing the bad stories -- education is
key to any surgery -- there are risks when you go in for childbirth, yet
most people only talk about the perfect births and not the bad ones -- this
is YOUR choice and YOUR choice only -- you are the one who has to live with
yourself in 5, 10 25 years -- do what YOU want to do -- good luck :)
— RCassety
August 23, 2008
Monica- Please remember that you are doing this for yourself first and
foremost!!! I had alot of negatitivity from alot, including my best friend
who would cry and plead with me not to do this. I told them that I would
not tolerate anything negative and that if they won't support me I don't
want them to be part of it. You have to be strong and do what YOU feel you
must. I am about 3 and a half years out. Had RNY open gastric bypass,
abdomoplasty (which had MANY complications), I have had 5 hernias in 2
years(I unload trucks for a living, not a good thing after bypass), and
went in to had my upper abs repaired after complications from the prior
surgery. I can tell you after all that IT IS STILL THE BEST DECISION I EVER
MADE, but everyone is induividual, so do what's best for you. Also, watch
for people after surgery, I had many turn on me, why I don't know...I'm
happier than I've ever been and most important...I feel GREAT! If you are
interested in my profile on OH go to: www.obesityhelp.com/?m=751403 or
conact me if you'd like on my personal email: [email protected] Best of
Luck!!! Lisa
— Lisa Michelle
August 23, 2008
You can't force anyone to agree with your decision. The best thing you can
do is to tell them that you didn't come to this decision lightly, that
obesity is a terminal illness in that it or it's co-morbidities will kill
you and you have an addiction. You can always lose the weight, but you
can't keep it off for life and that is what you want. Tell them you have
made up your mind and would appreciate their loving and unconditional
support. I would also remind them that in going in to major surgery, it is
much better to do so with a positive frame of mind and with your family and
friends around you. If you have partial support or even in fighting in
your family, this does not help you in any way. If they love you, they
should eventually support you.
This addiction is as bad as alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, etc.
Dawn Vickers, RN, BLC, CLC
— DawnVic
August 25, 2008
I am also awaiting surgery and have made the choice to be around positive
people. There are family members who do not agree so for the time being I
have little to do with them. I am doing this surgery for my own reasons and
will not let the others get in my way. Until the non supportive people can
understand what I need to do to have my life back they can just stay away.
I have found that if I talk to them one on one about why I am doing this
they usually come around. Stay strong.
— ntssmith
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