Question:
My husband has now decided he can not support my decision
My husband heard two days ago that someone had passed away in the recovery room after surgery. He has withdrawn his support of my decision. I have my initial consult in 3 weks and am not going to let him change my mind. I suer could use his moral support though. Anyone else have this problem? — Collett M. (posted on March 21, 2002)
March 21, 2002
Dear Collette ~ I know how hurt you must be, I know how important it was
for me to have my husbands support as well. If he's just in fear from
seeing someone who didn't make it through the WLS procedure, tell him to
look at the percentage of people who die from medical problems caused by
morbid or super obesity. On top of that, the medical problems and
conditions that come from yo-yo dieting. If my husband would have come at
me with wanting me to use more "traditional" weight loss
solutions, I would have pointed out that I had tried diets in the past 20
years and then I would have probably went through them: low cal, low fat,
high protein, Atkins, Scarsdale, Richard Simmons, Susan Powter, Herbal
Life, Dexatrim, Metabolife, acupuncture, hypnosis, subliminal tapes not to
mention, opti-fast, Phen/Fen, Phentermine (only), Fastin, Redux, Meridia
& Xenical AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT Weight Watchers, NutriSystems, Jenny
Craig, TOPS, Overeaters Anonymous, SlimFast AND the stupid Jerrod/Subway
diet. HAHA - sick, isn't it? I'm 37 years old and have tried just about
EVERYTHING. Don't get me wrong, I have lost thousands of pounds
total...literally thousands of pounds if you were to add them all up but
I've gained them all back (and then some). This type of WLS will teach me
what my body will or will not accept - I hear dumping kind of stinks. We
learn what type of food should "go in first" and try to fill up
that pouch and which will not. The small stomach will keep us from
overeating to the maximum somewhere down the way. My surgeon said that
although weight can be gained back if we don't work the program, this much
excess weight normally isn't ever put on back to where we are now. The
yo-yo syndrome has done half the damage to my body. I am somewhat in fear
of my upcoming surgery...it's scheduled for the 9th of April but as some
beautiful person from this WLS team said to me, would knowing about a fatal
car accident prevent me from driving a car again or riding in a car again?
I don't think so. Look at the number of people on this WLS website - there
are over 70,000. The percentage loss of lives vs. the percentage of wins
is incredible - this was also something that was recently pointed out to
me. Good luck in trying to educate and talk to him...I don't think it
would be worth getting into a screaming match about but I would certainly
try to educate. He is probably just in fear of losing the most incredible
part of him and doesn't want to see that happen but tell him the odds are
even higher for carrying so much excess weight. Bright blessings to you !!
— Lisa J.
March 21, 2002
Your husband is afraid-afraid of losing you. I know support is very
important but this is a hard thing for loved ones to accept especially when
they hear someone has died from this surgery. But if you need a heart
transplant or a kidney transplant or if you where in pain from gallbladder
problems would your loved ones still be scared - yes but what has to be
done has to be done. This is how I felt about having this surgery. But
when it comes right down to it you are the only one who can make the
decision. And your loved ones will be there for you the day of surgery and
the days after. I
— janicediana
March 21, 2002
Your husband loves you and he's scared for you. Regardless, you are an
adult and need to have this surgery to change your life. You are aware of
the risks and the benefits. Although it would be nice to have your
husband's support, if he won't offer it, you can't force it. You might say
something like this: "I understand your decision not to support my
surgery. I cannot control your feelings, and I'm not going to try and
convince you of all the reasons I feel this decision is right for me.
We're just going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I hope, when
you see how serious I am about this, you will decide to stand by my side,
but I'm not going to force you, and I'm not going to argue anymore about
this."
— Terissa R.
March 21, 2002
Sweetie, I also had a similar problem. I was dating a gentleman who was
dead set against my decision. He kept emailing me horror stories and
websites that had like ALL the wrong information on them. We actually
broke up for a while. But we both sat down and talked. I let him speak
his mind about his fears. I invited him to go to the surgeon's office with
me. Your husband loves you and is afraid to lose you. But you have to
educate your husband. Yes there is the risk of death. Any surgery has
that risk, but do you have other risk factors that will make that risk
higher? In my case I have had several other surgeries in my lifetime and I
have never had a problem being under. So I was extreamly confident about
this surgery. BUT again there are people who don't handle sugery well. My
mother is a good example, and if she ever chose to go under for an elective
procedure I would be extreamly upset with her.
Talk to him. Cry with him. Hold him. Although right now you need support
so does he.
Hope this helps
— Diane Rhoads
March 21, 2002
Dear Collett, I know just how you feel. My husband was the same way. He
admitted to my mom that he was afraid that something would happen to me. So
I sat him down and had a talk with him explaining how me being so over
weight was even more dangerous than the surgery. I had my surgery
Feb.22,2002 and my husband has been so good to me. He really took good care
of me after my surgery. I could not have for him to be any better. So you
my want to try talking to your husband about how dangerous being over
weight is. I wish you the best of luck with your husband and your
surgery...Pam
— Pam L.
March 21, 2002
He is just afraid of losing you as the others said....but you might want to
point out that 100's of people died in their cars today due to accidents
but you are unable to fly until you get the surgery and are lighter... :0)
Just remember he loves you and be gentle when you tell him you are doing it
with or without his support. Best of Luck!!~
— Sassy M.
March 21, 2002
My boyfriend/ex-husband (long story on that one), is being very supportive
of my going through this process. We talked about the risks. But with my
co-morbidities making life miserable and depression getter a firmer grip on
my spirit, he sees this as something I MUST do for myself. Perhaps it might
sound trite to some, and I certainly don't mean to diminish the fears of
loved ones, but sometimes we have to love someone enough to let them go.
Sometimes letting go means realizing that no matter how much you love this
person, you cannot make their decisions for them. I learned this especially
in the last year. My son and I have always been so very close. But he
decided to go live with his Dad and stepmom an hour away from me. Since his
Dad and I divorced when he was age 6, he hasn't had a lot of time to be
with him over the years. I felt that a teen boy NEEDED to have his Dad in
his life, they needed the chance to spend some time together. It was the
hardest thing I've ever done, letting him go. It was the least selfish
thing I could do and the most loving thing I could do. Good luck to you and
to your husband. God Bless - Anna
— Anna L.
March 22, 2002
I am sorry your husband feels that way. My husband was/is very supportive,
but he feared i would die. I told him I would die alot sooner w/out the
surgery. If you had a heart problem and had to have heart surgery, would
he be afriad you might die, so he wouldn't let you have the surgery? I
think he's scared. But like the other poster said. Many people will die
today in horrible car accidents, but does that keep us from driving to
school, church or the grocery store. I don't think so. Remember you have
many supporters on this site. That's what we're her for.
— Cindee A.
March 24, 2002
My husband was/is very supportive, but he was also very scared of the same
thing. He supported me even though he was scared because he knew that me
being so overweight was not healthy and could cause alot more problems and
my mind was also made up and he knew there was no changing it. He even
told me not to go anywhere on him before they took me back and the nurse
told him I had a round trip ticket. Your husband is just scared for you
but the mortality rate is very low. I hope everything goes great for you
and maybe he will be at ease with WLS soon. BEST WISHES
— Bethany F.
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