Question:
I'm a little confused by my mother's reactions to recent events

My mother and I are close. I told her I was looking into WLS last winter and she and my stepdad freaked out. She wants me to adopt the "eat less, exercise more" adage. I keep trying to explain to her it doesn't work that way. (Everyone in my family is around were they should be weight wise, none obese) In the last few weeks she keeps bringing it to my attention that I have gained 30lbs in the last year. "You have a gym membership, do you even go?" "I don't believe you didn't eat lunch." "How much do you weigh?" It really irritates me, and I tell her to leave it alone, and she will for a few days. Then she do her surgery rant. "you know it's going to hurt, right?" "You can't stick do a diet now, what about after?" blah blah blah Today I went to a new doctor (my regular doctor left and is going into neurosurgery) and I told her that my back has been really bothering me. She said it was from my weight (really didn't even examine me), told me to lose at least 150 lbs and gave me some drugs. I'm also off work this week. I had to tell mom, which I didn't want to, but I don't like to lie. She freaks out. She told me to suck it up and work because she wants her money. (I pay her monthly for money I borrowed for college.) Kinda hard if I can barely walk. All she wants is her $300 a month and as long as she gets it, she doesn't really care what I do. At least that is what she says. I invited her to go with me to my consulation with the surgern since I want her support, but now I'm not sure. I know my money is tight right now and i know I'll get behind on bills when I have this surgery. But come hell or high water I'll make sure she gets her money every month. Why is she stressing me with my financial status right now?    — HeidiMc (posted on February 26, 2003)

February 26, 2003
Hi honey, Well there are a few things that I would like to tell you. If you and mom are that close and it's bothering you how she "treats" you then stop telling her everything. Sweetie just tell her the infomation that she needs to know. Maybe the doctor can give you a letter saying that you have a condition or some type of medical issue that you need to address like intestinal blockage that needs to be corrected. (to make it seem as if it really isn't something that you can take care of alone) I did; ( trust me i fealt really bad but hey it's been 4 weeks and they don't know and I lost 37lbs already from this "corrective surgery" cause now I can "digest and breakdown food properly") and I'm a big fluff when it comes to my grandmother she real old country. But from what you wrote it sounds like to me that she's really afraid and maybe that's her way of saying it to you as harsh as she maybe. You know that you can go on disability for this surgery; also see if you have any vacation time that you can take if so take it and get your money for it. I was out of work for only 3 weeks. 1st week in the hospital and last two getting it together. I hope that you get your surgery and come out on top. God Bless and Good Luck A Fellow Big Girl Geminiy :)
   — Yolanda A.

February 26, 2003
Hi, Heidi. I sounds like you're mom and mine are sisters. Control freaks! I think you're mom is just scared and that's why she's acting that way. ANYWAY, what I really think you should do is call your insurance company and get a counselor. You'll need one to go through with the process so why not start now. I'm pre-op (3 weeks away) and have been "talking" to someone for only 3 weeks now but feel I've already made progress. FYI, I haven't told any family yet. I'm not ready for their opinions yet. If you know you're going ahead with this, just keep it to yourself for now. When mom asks about it, just say "I'm thinking about it still, I'll let you know when I decide." Trust me, you won't really decide until much much closer to your surgery date. Stay well, think positively and try to not let her bug you too much. Just let it ride. (email me if you want to talk more.)
   — msmaryk

February 26, 2003
I see by your profile that your 21? Do you still live at home? Regardless, the first thing you need to do is QUIT telling your Mom everything!! She should be on a 'need to know' basis. She has stated her 'uneducated' opinion so leave it at that. Don't divulge details of your progress and keep things regarding this to yourself. If she persists tell her that you would rather not discuss it with her since she has stated her opinion MANY times. Let her know that its going to happen no matter how she feels and it would be nice to have some support from her. Print out information regarding the surgery and let her read it. EDUCATE HER!! She will change her tune when the weight starts dropping off. THEN I'm sure she will be your biggest fan and supporter. Seen that happen many times! On the money issue, just tell her that no matter what, she will get paid and then make sure that you do. While off work for surgery, does your job offer short term disability? Use it, I did and it was a Godsend! Good luck!
   — Kris T.

February 26, 2003
Hiya Heidi, a lot of people who don't have a weight problem don't understand the nature of the problem. They preach self control and will power when we all know it is much more than that. What I tell people to help educate them is this. I start off with an explaination of the newly discovered appetite hormone Ghrelin (study was done where people waiting in a buffet line were tested for Ghrelin levels - those with elivated Ghrelin levels ate 30% more than those with normal levels - accross the board without a correlation between fat or skinny). Then I give them an example of will power which is appropriate since it does take will power to resist food, however when one is addicted to food or has a hormonal response to eat more then the level of will power is much different. What I tell them is this whether or not they like to have a drink now and then or on some other addiction (maybe they used to smoke but quiet for many years). Now imagine you are sitting accross from an Alcoholic and someone places a cold frosty margarita between you two. How much easier is it for you to resist the drink vs the alcoholic. Resisting the drink takes will power but how much more will power does the alcoholic must exert vs how much you must use. Now image how much harder it would be for the alcoholic to stop drinking uncontrollably if he had to have a couple drinks a day to stay alive? That is the way it is with food... it's a strong addiction but we can't just remove it from our lives we have to keep eating or we'll die. So how much harder of an addiction it is over alcoholism and smoking... at least you can chose to forever stay away from alcohol/cigarrettes but you can never stay from food. Take Care, Be Well, Be Happy! John
   — John T.

February 26, 2003
Your mom is not "stressing you", you are stressing you. It is the inner conflict because you know you should pay her back and you are not doing what you need to do so your conscience is bothering you. A conscience is what many people call a stress reaction. It really is easy: Do what your mom says AND follow through with your plan for weight loss surgery. It is not an either/or option. The first will be good for you anyway as preparation for surgery. Welcome to the world of being a responsible adult....
   — merri B.

February 26, 2003

   — chickiewickie

February 26, 2003
Oh Heidi! Do we have the same types of mothers! Mine didn't talk to me for over 3 weeks. She told me that the surgery is for (and I quote) "FAT PEOPLE WHO ARE TOO LAZY TO DIET!" Do you believe it? The nerve, when she only weighs in at about 140 pounds. But guess what/I played her stupid game. I ignored her and finally she called crying telling me that she was afraid of me dying. I felt bad but good at the same time. I remember in the hospital when I was in CCU she kept coming in to see me. She had realized that I couldn't take being over weight anymore. She knew of all my diets and attempts to lose weight. She also knew my downfalls and failures so I was really hurt at the beginning but in the end she stuck by my side and I am sure your parents will too. They freak out because let's face it that is what parents do. She is your mom. We just have to accept that! Now I am down 70 pounds in 3 months and I wish the world could see her face everytime she sees me. It feels good to have made a fool out of her... Let's keep that between us ok? Good Luck!!!!!
   — Regina C.

February 26, 2003
Heidi, I really feel for you. I do not agree with the person who responded for you to pay off your mother before you have the surgery. That would be great, but in the meantime your health is suffering. Of course, if your mother is relying on that money to live day to day that would be a different situation, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. It appears that as angry as your mom is towards you, perhaps she is a bit jealous. As controlling as she may be, this is a decision that YOU are making. She may not act this way towards other siblings because perhaps they have always stayed within mom's standard of acceptance. Do your own soul-searching. If you are expecting WLS to cure all your weight issues, then now isn't a good time to take that on. If you are honest about what a commitment this surgery is then do it. You are NOT a minor. Your self-confidence is more than likely going to improve dramatically. That may be something that scares your mom. Of course, being scared isn't something that a controlling person can admit to (they don't see it). Don't talk to her about the surgery again until a week or less beforehand. In the meantime, write a letter to be opened only if something happens. Yes, it sounds morbid but it will help. Explain your feelings in that letter and let your mom know that you love her deeply. Do not apologize for not living up to her expectations because it is her who hopefully will have the opportunity to make ammends with you. It has been difficult for me to deal with issues I have with my mom, but it's been for the best. Sometimes, no matter how much someone is loved, the relationship is strained at best. Please write often and get it out of you. Best wishes.
   — Diane S.