Question:
Need advice, boyfriend and best friend are both avoiding me, surgery in 4 days!!

Surgery in 4 days and best friend says she soooo busy, has no time to talk. She always been the tall thin friend. We've been frineds for 14 years, I cant' believe this. My boyfriend is mad at me and won't say, but he won't take any of my calls, we haven't spoken in 4 days, I think there both having issues with this surgery. I have heard that this happens, but I didn't think the two most important people in my life would do this to me, I need help!!    — SUNDAY G. (posted on August 9, 2001)

August 9, 2001
I know it hurts, but you need to draw your strength from the people who care enough to be there for you in your time of need. Don't dwell to hard on the lack of attention from these 2, rather, seek support from us, your family, and friends who are supportive. The last thing you need is the stress of worrying about why someone isn't speaking to you. Good luck.
   — Kimberly L.

August 9, 2001
Unfortunately this type of thing happens. It happened to me. I lost my best and closest friend after almost 13 years of friendship. We'd supported each other through a lot of difficulties and had so many great times too. We'd both been overweight for years. I felt her tension increase as my surgery date got closer. We talked about it and tried to reassure each other that my weight loss would not change our friendship but when she visited me a week after surgery and I had lost 13 lbs she cried out of sadness for herself. I only saw her one more time after that. She was visibly upset, acted very differently and I havent seen her since. I've often wondered if I'd had a crystal ball and had known what was going to happen would I still have had the surgery. I've thought long and carefully about this and came to the decision that I would, without hesitation, do it all over again. Whatever her reasons were for not being able to support me, I cannot let that stop me from my success. For the first time in my life I am losing weight easily, steadily and for once in my life I know I won't gain the weight back. I wish I could have both my friend and my surgery but if that can't be then I will be happy and healthier with my new life. I know my friend deserted me because she's morbidly obese and didn't want watch me lose weight without her. I don't know why your thin friend and your boyfriend are doing this but if they can't or won't support you then you must find strength in your family and friends who are supportive, and most of all you must draw from your own inner strength. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Remember, you have to do it for you and no one else. I wish you all the best in your surgery in a few days.
   — [Anonymous]

August 9, 2001
I would ask myself how close are you and your boyfriend? Are you real serious? If not this may be a sign from above to get out of that relationship. You need to focus on you right now. That may sound selfish but it is not. This surgery is a huge life change and in the next 6 mnths or so you may realize that there is a whole new world opening up to you. You are young, give yourself some time to see what is best for you. By the time you have lost a lot of weight you may realize that he is not the one after all. As for your "friend" well it does happen. I actually read in a magazine one time an advice column that advised thin, pretty girls to hang out with heavy girls to avoid competition. Maybe now that you are on your way to being the pretty, thin one too, she can't take the heat. I cannot judge your friends or relationships, but I think that obese people often settle for less than perfect relationships in or to just have a relationship. Be it a boyfriend or even a friend. Either way do not let them sway you. This surgery is for you, they will have to deal with it or move on, believe me you will not be alone, there is a world of people out there, get ready to introduce the new you to them.
   — [Anonymous]

August 9, 2001
Relationships will change with this surgery - with food, yourself, your family, friends, and coworkers. It's inevitable. Some of those closest to me in my preop and early post-op days are not anymore. I just had my first reconstructive surgery on 7/31, and one "close friend" just took the time to call me yesterday. It has happened moreso with female friends - the closer you get in jeans sizes, the more strained your relationship becomes. I never thought it would happen to me. But it did. As empty worded as it may sound, you're better off without the ones who fall by the wayside. New and better relationships will develop in time. Best wishes to you.
   — [Deactivated Member]

August 9, 2001
You have just started to experience the different ways that people will treat you after WLS. I have one friend who continually tells me that she is jealous that I was able to lose weight "easy way" and that she has to work so hard at it. Another one (wouldn't consider this one a friend) would drive me crazy asking me "how much???" every time I saw I saw her which is sometimes twice a week!!! She just told me last week that she has lost 2 dress sizes but that she is "doing it herself, NOT having surgery!". Then you will have the ones who totally ignored you or acted as if your fat was going to rub off on them before want to be your friend now. I think I feel the most pity for them. They had no idea who I was when I was obese and it is obvious that they really don't care who I am now, except that I fit into their acceptable mold of what I should LOOK like. If people would only realize that we are more than what we look like. There are some really cool people who like myself before WLS are trapped in a body of fat. Just do this for yourself and surround
   — livnliter

August 9, 2001
You have just started to experience the different ways that people will treat you after WLS. I have one friend who continually tells me that she is jealous that I was able to lose weight "easy way" and that she has to work so hard at it. Another one (wouldn't consider this one a friend) would drive me crazy asking me "how much???" every time I saw I saw her which is sometimes twice a week!!! She just told me last week that she has lost 2 dress sizes but that she is "doing it herself, NOT having surgery!". Then you will have the ones who totally ignored you or acted as if your fat was going to rub off on them before want to be your friend now. I think I feel the most pity for them. They had no idea who I was when I was obese and it is obvious that they really don't care who I am now, except that I fit into their acceptable mold of what I should LOOK like. If people would only realize that we are more than what we look like. There are some really cool people who like myself before WLS are trapped in a body of fat. Just do this for yourself and surround yourself with people who will support you and love you for WHO you are.
   — livnliter

August 10, 2001
Sometimes the people who care about us get very scared as the surgery approaches. Perhaps your boyfriend and maybe even your friend are frightened and just don't want you to see that. It's terrible to have to go through this so close to your surgery. My boyfriend and I were having trouble in the months before my approval. When I got approved and had only 3 weeks for surgery I said to him, either be with me through this, or leave now. I hope you have others around you to support you. I also hope that those who have not been there will come around after you're through the worst. It's such a shame that people can't be helpful in your real time of need.
   — kcanges