Question:
Ever feel guilty or embarressed?

I'm a year and a half out from having LAP RNY. I've lost 126lbs. Over the last 18 months I've gotten many compliments, people telling me how great I look, and getting a lot of attention. I love the attention, most of the time. This Christmas we went to my sisters for dinner. She is a widow, her late husbands family has always been like a second family to mine. My daughter calls them aunt and uncle and grandma and grandpa (grandpa just passed away this spring.) For the first time in my life I am thinner than my sister. I've ALWAYS had a weight problem, obese most of my teen and adult years. She was thin during her teen years and most of her young adult life ( We are both in our mid 40s.) Now, she is obese and I am thin. I sometimes feel guilty when the family tells me I look so good. Her sister in law didn't recognize me at first, then made a big gush over me. It does feel good, but is it normal for me to feel bad for my sister? She knows all I went through to get here, and has asked me about it. She's been very supportive, but I do see some kind of "look" in her eyes, or she walks out of the room when the conversation turns to me. I try to move the conversation to something else. I know I can't tell her to do the RNY. I would have been angry if someone had tried to talk me into it. I just say it was the best thing for me. But, should I feel guilty? Am I doing the right thing by diverting the conversation around her? Arrrrgh. All my life I've felt horrible about myself because of my weight, now I feel guilty because I'm thinner. I'd love to hear from anyone else dealing with something like this. Thanks :-)    — KellyJeanB (posted on December 26, 2004)

December 26, 2004
You don't need to feel guilty, but I can definitely understand why you'd feel uncomfortable. It means you are a compassionate person. You're concerned for your sister's feelings. I have a similar situation with my husband's family, and I do downplay my weight loss. Yes, I know that people will say that it's THEIR problem, and I shouldn't have to avoid the topic. But I know when I was heavy, and someone else lost alot of weight, it was difficult to hear about it. I remember that clearly, so try and show others some consideration. I also think you're right about not recommending the surgery. She's seen your success, and will approach you if she wants to. E-mail me if you want all the gory details of my in-law situation :-)
   — mom2jtx3

December 26, 2004
I totally understand. since I have lost weight 4 people I work with have also had rny surgery. It can become quite uncomfortable when people gush about the weight loss in front of those who are obese. The surgery is not necessarily the answer for everybody. I know one person ( moderately overweight) who has expressed that while "people are happy for you, they can be jealous too" and one who said "it is not fair that some people were always the biggest and now they are skinnier than me." Another person told me she was going to gain 50# so she could get the surgery and I think she is getting close now. I told her that average weight loss is only 70% of excess weight and that most people rebound 10 % and she might end up worse than she started but she is gaining fast and I am sure will be looking to have surgery. I try to tell people it is not an easy fix and that there are health issues to consider but they do not hear it. one person even said to me "yeah you all say it is for your health, but I know it is just so you can wear mini skirts." After I showed her my thighs that topic hasn't come up again. It is a hard thing to deal with to try to answer questions but not offend at the same time. I nearly died when my nephew was asking about it and told my brother, "that is what you need dad." and my brother said "not hardly" and my nephew said "IT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED!" we all have to deal with this on some level. I think you will do good to just change the subject and be there for her if she has questions. Also I am making a BIG effort to remember to compliment others especially those who are over weight about SOMETHIMG whenever I can, whether it be a sweater thay are wearing, hairdo, makeup etc.
   — **willow**

December 26, 2004
You've been through so much and worked so hard. You have nothing to feel bad about. I always tell myself that I did this for medical reasons. On average, it adds 20 years to a person's life! In the past, when I've lost weight, I've felt "survivor's guilt" for leaving overweight loved ones behind, so to speak. Not this time. Keep in mind: you had life-threatening surgery, literally re-routing your intestines. You are going to have to exercise, watch your diet, and supplement for the rest of your life. This is no fad diet. This is your new reality. Obese people take care of everybody but themselves. I think that many of us became and remained obese as some sort of dysfunctional attempt to caretake our moms or others in our lives. No more! We can't die for them. All we can do is run our own race. Surgery and other weight loss methods are available to those who are ready. For those who are not ready, they're on their journey too. It's up to them. Deep down, you know that they don't really wish for you to be disabled and die prematurely. Well, if they do, then you shouldn't lose a lot of sleep worrying about their feelings. This is a challenge that you must face. It's just as much a part of your journey as relearning how to eat. You must own your "new" body without shame and guilt. Guilt means that you did something wrong. You haven't done this to hurt them. It's about YOU, it's your life. If you were in their shoes, you would probably feel a bit of envy, or be unable to ignore your own weight problem in their presence. But it would be YOUR problem, not theirs. Just remind yourself that the world has millions of normal-weight people who walk around in it every day and none of them are hurting your loved ones, just living their lives. Now you're one of them.
   — bobbisheahan

December 26, 2004
I know exactly how you feel . My sister and i have always been overweight - she is a few years older and was always a few pounds heavier- so i figured as long as i was not as big as her i was ok. BUt i was as high as 360 and probably more but never found a scale or the courage to get weighed at my heaviest. Now that i am post op 2 plus years and down over 165 lbs i feel almost normal. I live quite a distance from my family and dont see them but every few months -- so each time i see them its like i just lost the weight all over again. My sister is MO and would never consider having WLS. this holiday i spent some time with my family and my dad was introducing me to some of his customers as my skinny daughter -- the first time i heard him say that my heart broke for my sister and prayed that he would not say that in front of her.Well he did... later in front of family and not strangers but i'm sure the pain was still very real for both her and me. I do feel guilty for recieving all the compliments and constant comments by them. I wish they would stop but no matter what i say they dont get it-- this is the way i am now and will be for the rest of my life. I spent a good part of my holiday diverting conversation around my weight loss and what i now eat, really rough with all that food around. I made a point not to talk about it in front of my sister as i know she is uncomfortable -- we have talked about it. i would suggest you talk to your sister about it- and let her know how you feel. I love my sister very much and dont want her to feel any worse than i did about being MO.
   — dorothy S.

December 26, 2004
Kelly, I know how you feel, me and my sister have always been in this kind of weight competition all of our lives. She was the skinny one when we were little and used to tease me, then when puberty hit, she gained weight and it was always a challenge between us since then. I totally researched WLS and made appts and my sister talked to me about it and she decided she wanted it too. I had my surgery 10-23-03 and she had hers 01-22-04 with the same surgeon. I lost really fast, her loss was slower. I have lost over 160lbs and she has lost around 80 some pounds. I started at 340lbs and she started at about 286lbs. Everyone keeps complimenting me about how well I did and it makes me feel so guilty and ebarrassment when my sister is their. At family get togethers, everyone compliments me and then says something to her, to me it seems like an afterthought. I know she is disappointed big time in the way our journeys have been different. But I hope me and her can get together and help each other. I can't stand the guilt. So I know how you feel. I hope my family gets a clue and stops with all the attention. It is painful for both her and me. Okay I guess I rambled on long enough. I just wanted to let you know, I can understand how you feel. Lisa Hackenburg lap/rny 10-23-03 340/178/??? -162lbs
   — Lisa H.

December 26, 2004
Like most posters, I have the same issue with my sister - she was the thin one until the last few years. My mother gushes about my success, and how I look, and it does nothing for me. It's been long enough for everyone to chill about it :) <br>I don't get along with my sister really well, so we don't need ot be adding fuel to that fire. My family already compares us enough, and this thing doesn't help one bit. I know I am doing well, so to hear others go on and on is too much. Sometimes I get up and walk out! It is the "gushers," not you, who need to change their attitude. If I had a fraction of the attention growing up as I did now, my depression would not have gotten so bad, IMO. If that was me in your sister's place, I would probably get up and walk out too. It feels like having your nose rubbed in it, more than a little. Been there, and it bites.<br> Be well, shelli
   — kultgirl

December 27, 2004
Well, my younger sister has always been tiny, and even after 3 kids, she is still a size 6, and since I am at goal weight, like a size 10 (ahem, more like closer to 12 during these holidays! YIKES..), she has no worry about me getting skinnier than her. I can totally understand your being uncomfortable when you receive compliments on your weight loss in front of those who are overweight and obese. Its called sensitivity that all of us have from our days of being obese. I can remember being the overweight one while others received the compliments on their weight loss. While I would join in to be polite, inside I was guilty, depressed and angry at myself for letting myself get so fat. Even today, if I receive compliments, which I do like,I do the same by turning the conversation around if there are overweight people within earshot. Your right, you cannot tell her to have the surgery, she has to evolve to that decision on her own.
   — Cindy R.

December 27, 2004
I know exactly what you are feeling. I never see my sisters, one lives out of state and the other one, well .... we are NOTHING alike and I do not care if I see her. I love her, but if she were not my sister............ Anyway, they are both obese, both have diabetes and need help badly. The one out of state I have tried to talk into checking out LapBand. If she lived up here I know she would be jealous of me, I try not to bring up the weight loss because it might cause bad feelings, but if she brings up the subject I do tell her all I know about lapband even though I had RNY. My other sister is extremely jealous. I have a close relationship with her daughter and am extremely close to my mom, this drives her nuts. I guess they both talk about how great I look and such, she always puts me down and says I had to do it the easy way. She has tried talking to me about it, but all I say falls on deaf ears. I am hoping some day we can have a good in depth conversation about it. Even though we are very different I would really like to see her small again, healthy and maybe happy again. My inlaws always avoided any mention of my wls. My mom in law talked about it now and then, but her children always changed the subject. Ever since I have known them all the girls have been dieting. One has lost quite a bit on Atkins and has kept it off for at least 3 years. I am very proud of her. :) Now my mom in law is having Lap Band in a few days and it seems it is ok to talk about. This Xmas Eve a few of us talked quite a bit about it. I will support my Mom in law all I can. I want to see her healthy so she can do all she use to. So, in the end, what it comes down to is, it is not YOU. It is your sister. You are not doing anything wrong, just be there and support her, answer questions but do not push it on her. When we see loved ones suffering we want to help, when we have something exciting going on with us, we want to share with those we love, but unfortunately weight loss is almost as bad a topic as religion or politics. Hang in there! Theresa :)
   — TheresaC