Question:
What do I do? Or how should I feel?
Okay guys and gals...Here is the problem I have lost 130lbs. This is a wouderful thing! But when I was 267lbs My husband showed me very little love attention. Now that I have lost all this weight he cant keep his hands off me. I feel neglected. And used. I also have no sex drive at this point. Im 10 months out. I have changed in a lot of ways. I never wanted to go out and now well I go to the club every Saturday. I go with my sisters and friends. No guys just us girls. I like the attention. It makes me feel good. I would never go home with any guy and I never do anything that I shouldn't. I dance and that's it. My husband never wanted to go in the beginning but now he wants to go and I really don't want him to because its my time to myself and I feel free from all the home stuff. He plays paint ball but since I show that I don't want him to go with me he doesn't go play paint ball and uses it against me. "Well u went out last weekend and I didn't" He turns everything around. We have been married in May for 9 years. When I tell him I don't want to have sex he makes me feel really bad to the point I give in and then I feel I have done something I didn't want to do. If I don't have an orgasm he says Im not attracted to him and don't love him anymore. This is not true I love my husband and I am still attracted to him but right now mad because I would lay in bed ten months ago and cry because he pushed me away. Now he is all over me and I feel gross! Im now told Im cheating and Im having sex with other people NOT true! Im sick of it! I also had a emergency hysterectomy in November that Im still healing from. At 6 weeks we had sex and I opened back up and Had to go to ER to have fixed. Im still real sore and it hurts most times he don't understand and Im tired of trying to make him understand its tearing up the way I feel about him. I have tried to talk to him have told him how I feel about it all. All he says is Im sorry I make you feel that way but in 10 mins he is trying to have sex with me and I give in. Please help!!!! What do I say or do. How should I feel is this wrong or right? We go to a consular sat for the first time I hope that helps if not I think were domed. We have 2 kids. Thanks. Sorry so long. Celeste You can email me at [email protected] — sunshineinjaxs (posted on March 29, 2004)
March 29, 2004
I understand what you are saying but I have to tell you he is scared. He is
so scared he is going to loose you and it is natural for him to feel that
way. Because if you do not want sex from him then you want it from someone
else also you have to see his point you did not go out dancing before now
you want to and not with him so that is why he thinks you are stepping out
on him.
I would say you have to work on this together one week you go out with just
him the next week go out with your sister talk about it plan it with him.
Let him know you still enjoy going out with him but you want some girl time
too. As far as the sex you need to meet him half way and at least once a
week come on to him show him you still him and talk to him about how many
times he wants you a week. Explain to him that it is hurting your feels
that he did not want you this way before so you need to take it slow. But
again remember you need to sometimes come to him too. Tell him some nights
you just want to hold each other and not always have sex. I know this new
body is something you are proud of and somewhat want to show it off and
there is nothing wrong with that but remember it is scary to the others in
our lives. Sorry if I was just running on but if you want to talk more
e-mail me.
— Rosemary L.
March 29, 2004
Hi, Celeste! It sounds like you're going through a lot of changes, and
it's difficult. I'm glad you're going to some counseling. I hope that you
will both commit to it and try to work things out for the best.<p>Try
to remember that men are "visual" beings. This is how they
operate for sex, and for most other things in life. My hubby, too, has
been much more "turned on" by me since I've lost 75 pounds. Our
sex life was good before my WLS, but in many respects has gotten much
better since. I cannot blame him for not being turned on before - it's
human nature. Fat is a turn-off for the majority of the world and our
husbands are no different. I know that he loved me as a fat person,
because he married me that way. But he just wasn't as sexually attracted
to me when I was fat, and I'm OK with that. I love that he wants my new
body and feels more passionate. Try to give your husband a break
there.<p>As for the low libido thing, that can be a problem for women
post-WLS. Many attribute this problem to all the hormonal changes that
occur following rapid weight loss. This has happened to me, and I'm hoping
that it won't be a permanent problem.<p>Best wishes to you that all
of these problems will be worked out.
— Carlita
March 29, 2004
You're preaching to the choir, sister. My husband is an exact replica of
what you describe. I did take the opportunity to point out to him that
perhaps now he understood how much it hurt my feelings when he pushed me
away when I was obese, why I thought if he didn't want to have sex with me
he must be having it some place else, why it made me think he was ashamed
to be seen with me when he would go out with his friends, but wouldn't take
me. I agree with the previous poster that he is SCARED!!! He had become
very comfortable with the old you, and the new you is attracting attention.
He never thought he would have to compete to keep you. I'm not saying
you're doing anything wrong. I think counseling is definitely in order.
For you to become comfortable inside your "new" skin, and for him
to learn that marriage is a full-time job. Just because you've been
married 9 years doesn't mean that he shouldn't still try to show you every
day that he loves you, and wants you in his life. Good luck, and remember,
you can only do so much. He has to help himself too.
— Chris S.
March 29, 2004
Hi Celeste!
Congrats on your weightloss and better health. Sorry your having this
problem, but for the most part you aren't alone!
It's just natural for your husband to want your more, now that you have
lost weight. My gosh, you have lost 130 pounds! A whole other person. Just
think about it this way. Now, I'm talking from my experience...... When I
was obese at 250 I didn't want my DH seeing me much less touching me,
because I hated myself/body. The last thing I wanted was sex and thought
that would be the last thing he wanted. Not True! lol How could I expect
him to want me? Loosing 111 pounds I was the girl he fell in love with and
of course he wanted me more. Not to say he didn't before my Lap RNY. We
have been married 34 years and obese or thin we love one another. Now,
because I look and feel better sex is once more enjoyable to both of us.
(Me more) Now....Are we not attracted to good looking nicely built people?
Of course we are. Human Nature. Please don't hold that against him. Beauty
is more than skin deep, but we notice the outside 1st. I never had a
problem with my husband wanting me more, that is a compliment to my hard
work at exercise and good healthy habits of eating. I'm thrilled he is
proud of me. But, I'm more proud of myself!
I can see you wanting time to yourself. I enjoy my time to myself working
out at the gym too.
Even though, you find dancing with guys harmless, when you go out. You did
mention you like the attention. Well, they are seeing just what your
husband is seeing, Celeste. I think you may me putting yourself in an
awkward and dangerous position. I would say see the counselor and a regular
basis. You need that more for yourself/husband & marriage, than for the
attention you seek from males on a dance floor.
We all change as we loose weight. We love the new us, but don't forget the
things that matter most in life to you. This surgery can only help with
weight loss, but there's more than that we must adapt to.
I wish you and your husband much luck. Maybe, you could go out with hubby
as a date and try to rekindle old feelings from the past. Worth a try!
(((HUGS)))
— Hazel S.
March 29, 2004
This is easier said than done, but if he's being so manipulative and
harassing, get rid of him! Is your happiness worth what he's putting you
through? Just because you love him doesn't mean that you have to accept
his abuse, and that's exactly what he's doing, he's being abusive to you!
Keep in mind that not only are you suffering, but your kids will start
thinking that the way your husband treats you is the way they should treat
their future spouses. Believe me, kids pick up on this sort of stuff.
Take care of yourself and your kids. Your husband needs help and it's not
your job to get it for him, nor to take the abuse. No excuses! You love
him of course, but that doesn't mean this marriage is meant to work. I saw
so many red flags in your question that I am certain you need to get out.
— Catherine A.
March 29, 2004
P.S. Scared or not, he's forcing you to do something you're not
comfortable with. He's only one step away from rape. This IS NOT okay
even if you are married. Whatever his motivations are for wanting to be
intimate with you, if they make you feel gross than you don't have to
tolerate it. I was in a similar situation with a boyfriend who was
persistent in the bedroom, and I still can't shake that gross feeling
sometimes.
— Catherine A.
March 29, 2004
I think it's ridiculous to advise someone to get out of a marriage before
attempting counseling. Who are you to tell someone to make such a
life-changing decision like that? (I'm addressing a prior poster here!)
By all means try the counseling in an effort to salvage a troubled
marriage. If it still isn't able to be saved, at least you can tell your
children that you tried everything the two of you could to make it work.
With children involved, it's important to try to turn a troubled marriage
around in to a positive, loving environment. If, after counseling, you
feel that a positive, loving environment isn't going to happen, then make
the decision to separate. But for heaven's sake, don't go off of some
poster's opinion who only read a brief excerpt of your life!
— raye
March 29, 2004
I agree with Raye that counseling should be tried first. Its a good sign
if both of you want to be in counseling together and you do have to think
of your 2 children. Your weight loss was a big change in both your life
and that of your husband and alot of emotional dynamics going on for both
of you. Take it slow and make a committment with your husband to work
together in counseling for the sake of your marriage and your children.
— Cindy R.
March 29, 2004
Sorry to hear about your troubles. If you love your husband than go to a
counseling. I feel your pain and I will say a prayer for you right now. I
would also tell you about a wonderful book called "The Five Love
Languages" by Gary Chapman it helped save my marriage. Keep us
posted-Tab
— Tab F.
March 29, 2004
Have you thought about taking a weekend with no paintball or clubs? You
could work together and find something that is fun for both of you. You
have lost a lot of weight which gives you all the options in the world and
it sounds like your man is trying to get you to notice him.(not that I
condone how he is making you feel) Just try to give both of you a new
outlook. I hope some of this helps.
Angel
— Angel E.
March 29, 2004
Hi Celeste,
This is definitely a question of CHOICES. Life is a matter of choices. And
I'm glad to see that you have made one good choice already; that of seeing
a counselor together. You, BOTH, must be open and honest in the sessions
and... You must WANT to save this marriage.
I'm hardly qualified to be giving advice, however I will offer this: Maybe
you should consider making your Saturday night outings a
"couples" kind of thing. I know you said you "would never
go home with any guy" and that you "would never do anything I
shouldn't", but if you place a yummy dessert in front of someone often
enough, they will eventually partake.
Good luck, Celeste. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Paulette
— wpc5032
March 30, 2004
You said you had a historectomy, had sex and it caused you to be injured.
I have to ask this.. why are you still having sex with hubby when it
physically hurts? He is pressuring you so much that it is becoming
emotional and sexual abuse. If it hurts you to have sex and you are being
'encouraged' to have sex ANYWAY, that is abuse plain and simple. I spent
time in a battered womens shelter and have herd your story more than once
while I was there. Please bring this up in your counseling session just
the way you told us and see what your therapist has to say. Sometimes a man
will 'hear' a therapist before he will hear his wife. I hope the
counseling works to save your marriage and please don't continue to have
sex if it hurts or makes you feel shitty. You will be enableing him to
control and manipulate you. God Bless.
— mary ann T.
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