Question:
Is it the weight loss?

My husband and I have been having problems since he got drunk and wrecked his truck in October, ever since then we have been arguing. I had gastric bypass in January and since then have lost 135 pounds, I weigh what I weighed when we met. Anyway, he moved out to his mom's house a week ago, stayed 2 days then came back. Then on Wednesday he moved out again and friday announced he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. Now, if you know my husband and I , this is a huge SHOCK!!!!!! We always got along pretty well, just the basic marriage problems. Now, he says he couldn't make me happy for years, and no matter what he does he can't make me happy. He became very controlling lately as well. He also went into the computer and looked up my history too see the websites I had visited. He found out that the first time he left I had a pop-up come up for match.com and I clicked on it, not that I was looking, but i was just curious as too what was going to be out there for a single mother of 2. He said he was very hurt by it. Also, we took out a loan so I could have my plastic surgery and he went along with it, saying he would take off work and everything, then at Thanksgiving he had a change of heart and said I looked fine without it and the money could be put to better use. I aske dhim if maybe he needed some time and he said his mind is made up, and he has been happy without me. He is satying with his parents, and if i get an attorney I know that he will be living there for a very LONG time. I can't believe he is doing this, we have 2 kids, 3 and 5, and I cannot believe he would walk out and leave us right before Christams, it is SOOOOO out of character for him. I cannot believe it's happening to me! My friend thinks it's because I have lost wieght and he is now insecure about it, I asked him and he said no, but she said he won't admit it! She said maybe he is doing it subconciously. I asked him repeatedly if tehre is someone else and he said no! He made it pretty clear that he doesn't want this marriage anymore, but do you think it has anything to do with the weigth loss? I am really searching for a reason for it all. He says we have to be cicil with each other, but when I see him he seems to have so much hostility towards me, not that he says mean things, but he is really short with his words, like he is the one being dumped. People say he is dumping me before I dump him. He has made comments that I use him for money and I am self centered, that kind of makes me think that's why he didn't want me too have the surgery, maybe he thought if he paid I'd only stay with him long enough to get it done and then leave him after? My friend says all the comments about "it's always about you!" and using him for his money are his ways of trying to undermine my self confidence. I just am so lost as to what the hell just happend to my marriage? He says he has felt this way for probably a year (I had my surgery Jan 6 2003) and he tried working on it himself, without telling me his feelings mind you. He refuses to go to counseling, I begge dhim to come back, he told me I couldn't change over night. He told me he doesn't knwo me anymore. What do you guys think? I am so worried about my future. I love him and want him back, yet I need to accept that he has his mind made up. Where will I ever find a man that would want me, divorced with 2 kids!? I just wish he would regret his decision and come back, but do I want him back really, after all he said????    — Tracey N. (posted on December 16, 2003)

December 16, 2003
Tracey, I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. I think it has pretty much everything to do with your weightloss. Its bringing out his insecurities and there really isn't anything you can do or say. It has to come from him. If he isn't willing to work on the marriage and himself by going to counseling, then I hate to say that I don't see much hope in him coming back. Unfortunately, this happens to alot of marriages after WLS. I would listen to your friend. It sounds like she is right on the money about this.
   — Kris T.

December 16, 2003
First of all, I wanted to say that I will be praying for you and your children. I have been married for almost 16 years myself and my husband has not always been supportive of my surgery but he seems to be happy with it now. I can understand your feelings because for other reasons my husband has said many of the same things before (a couple of years ago, long before my surgery or even looking into WLS). I have come to realize that I can't change him and can't make excuses for the hurtful things he has said to me. I still love him and would not want him to leave but I know I could not stop him if he decided to leave me later. I hope you are taking care of yourself and helping your young children understand the best way they can that daddy is not living there right now. Perhaps he will change his mind in time and will most likely be very sorry he did this but if he doesn't you will need to move on to a healthier you and a healthier relationship. I am sure as a mother you don't want your children to live in a home where there is pain and anger. Even if you don't "find another man who will love you with 2 kids", you deserve better than what your husband is doing to you now. Please take care and God bless you.
   — tntwildlife77

December 16, 2003
if it does have to do with your weightloss i would leave him alone. what i mean by that is if you haven't done anything wrong and it is all him, he might need time to think about it and come to that conclusion himself. don't beg or ask for him back, don't call, don't do anything except live for the children and yourself right now.besides he might like it when you beg for him back kind of like a punishment. if he sees you are doing fine without him it might be a good wake up call. if you are doing great without him and if he comes back to you and wants to work it out he will know it is because you love him and not because you NEED him. i would avoid him like the black plague. if he needs to see the kids drop them off at his parents house quickly and leave....just be polite and leave quickly. he is right on one point, it's not going to happen overnight. even if he does say he wants to come home i wouldn't let him move right back in just to leave again....how awful for the children to see.if he wants to work things out...date him since he says he doesn't know you anymore. let him get to know the new you. if you want a lifetime together a couple months is a small price to pay. because right now how can he have time to regret leaving you if you are always asking for him back and letting him know how much you love him? best of luck to you and your family
   — franbvan

December 16, 2003
As a guy I'm wondering about something. Any chance he has found someone else and he is doing all this to make it look like the marriage problems are YOUR fault and to justify his finding someone else? Maybe he does'nt have anyone else, but that sure is the first thing that came to my mind with all of this. But who knows.
   — Danmark

December 16, 2003

   — Renee A.

December 16, 2003
I'm so sorry to hear of this, Tracey. That's a really nasty thing to do - leaving your wife, anyway, and right before Christmas, to boot! I've been through a divorce, and actually, it was me who asked my husband to leave. We had been having zero sex for quite a while, and he was just not "there" for me. After he left, it was then that I found out he had been cheating on me with a couple of women! So, I wouldn't rule that out either. I don't know too many men who would leave unless there was another woman waiting in the wings. Sorry guys, but a lot of men are not strong enough to break out totally "on their own." I know it's rough right now, Tracey, but it sounds like you need to take a step back, maybe get some counseling for yourself, and just start getting on with your life. If he doesn't want you and the marriage anymore, there's not much you can do, except focus on your children and yourself, and make a good life for them. Don't worry about finding another man right now - but when you do start looking again, the right one won't care if you had 10 kids! Best wishes to you. I know it's hard, but it gets better. My divorce was almost 20 years ago now, and it's become pretty much a faint memory!
   — Carlita

December 16, 2003
So sorry to hear about the problem. My 1st impression was his insecurity, being afraid of losing you. My gosh just look at your before and after pictures, you are beautiful. If I saw that big of a change in my husband I'd be jealous of him too. Just pray he will come to his senses.
   — kkubinski99

December 16, 2003
Tracey, you are beautiful. I have the feeling he is jealous and is afraid he will lose you. Don’t rush into anything, be patient and trust in God. My prayers are with you!
   — Jazzy

December 16, 2003
Regardless of whether he wants to go with you I believe you should find a good counselor. From looking at your pictures I personally think the man is an idiot. You are an attractive woman. But, looks aside, have you changed or asked him what he perceives as change in you since the surgery (not just weight loss)? I am with some of the other postees her when I say (and I am sorry to bring this up) I believe he has found someone else and he is making excuses to get out. I have been on both sides of the equation and I can tell you that I personally made all sorts of excuses for leaving. It is so much easier to lay the blame elsewhere. It took several years before I realized that it was not her fault and I made sure that I apologized profusely for the way I treated her during that time. We never got back together, but we do have a decent friendship and I believe my kids are better for it. While I hope and pray that he will come to his senses, I would focus on yourself and your children and make the best you can for them. Best wishes to you all! JIM
   — Jim S.

December 16, 2003
I don't mean to come off preachy or "Dr.Laura"-ish, but what about the kids? He is a father and needs to be whomped upside the head. Do either of you realize the kids know what's going on, even if they can't verbalize it? It is likely stressing them. It's not about what he"wants" or "needs". The kids need their mom and dad. He ought to at least try counseling for THEIR sake. Just my $0.02 worth.
   — koogy

December 16, 2003
Thank you all for your support, I have received many uplifting messages here. I have offered to go to counseling and he refuses, he simply says he no longer loves me (period). I am very concerned about the kids, and of course he splits and I am the one who has to answer all the questions and try to explain it all too them. He does see them quite often, in fact he wants to be here when I am at work with the kids. Its like he still wants to act like we are married, just not live here. HELLO? That's not what divorce is. I am very terrified it is another woman, I even said it too him many times, and even said it to him last night, I told him "I hope she's worth it." and he said "Trace.....whatever" like that's not it. So, who knows what his menta; break down is. I do need to try and just get on about my days and take care of my kids. I did tell him I was going to see the lawyer tomorrow and he freaked on me. He said "I thought we were gonna get one lawyer, and have it uncontested, I told you you could have everything and I would still pay all the bills!" Yeah right, and give it a few months of liven at mommy and daddy's when he realizes that if he is paying all my bills,he ain't ever gonna get his own place! He told me "go ahead, get your own lawyer, you'll end up getting less than what I was going ot give you!" He also said "I know what your all about now!" Meaning I am after his money, I remind him that when I met him he didn't have any money, and I still loved him. I told him I was hurt by the fact that he has known me for 10 years and that's what he thinks of me, that I am after the money. Sad. I just don't understand his irrational behavior, and I guess I never will. I still have alittle hope he'll change his mind, but I wish it woul go away because he has made it clear that he no longer loves me, in fact he in a matter of a week has done a 360 and hates me, even though he claims it's been a year that these feelings have been building. I don't know. I am so glad for all your answers, they really help me think about the situation. One day I will be able to see that this is probably a blessing, and I thank all of you for helping me.
   — Tracey N.

December 16, 2003
Uh Oh Tracy. Looks like he is jealous of the beauty. You are a very pretty lady. I think that he has finally found an excuse to leave you because he may have another woman. I am worried that the same will happen in my marriage. Believe me many women are going through the same thing you are going through. Life goes on. Make a life you and your children thats all you can do. Maybe he'll see that you can do it without him and he may just want to come back (if you will have him back.) I hope that things will work out. You can move on with your life if your know that all of your help comes from the Lord God. Be blessed!
   — onepowerfullady

December 16, 2003
I also forgot to say that he told me he wants divorced because he doesn't feel loved, he told me this yesterday. I said "If I didn't love you I would have left along time ago.", but nothing i say makes a difference to him because he says he doesn't love me anymore.
   — Tracey N.

December 16, 2003
Maybe I'm digging too deeply, but what did you mean by "I am so worried about my future. I love him and want him back, yet I need to accept that he has his mind made up. Where will I ever find a man that would want me, divorced with 2 kids!? I just wish he would regret his decision and come back, but do I want him back really, after all he said????"? I think if you seek counseling you will find the means to be strong. I would NEVER recommend staying in a relationship because you don't think you can find anyone else. I was devastated when I got divorced. Believe it or not (and I didn't), it really does get easier & better with time. In the meantime, you'll be teaching your kids that bad things happen to good people but life isn't over because of it. Best wishes!
   — Diane S.

December 17, 2003
You were beautiful at 298, you are drop-dead, knock-out georgeous NOW!!! STUNNING!! Why would you think someone wouldn't want you? YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL and STUNNING NOW! Drop him if he won't go to counseling, you go by yourself or with the kids, and date, date, date. You'll have NO PROBLEM attracting men. No doubt he is now VERY insecure with your new look. My compliments to you and your new look. Happy Holidays to you and the children. Take care and consider counseling alone. Will work wonders. And as beautiful as you are, he'll be very sorry he lost you, when a fine gentleman sweeps you off your feet.
   — Kathy R.

December 17, 2003
Whatever the true reason, you can't force someone into counseling or force someone to stay in a marriage, though while undergoing a divorce, the court may force him to go to counseling. Its too bad he has felt this way for a year but did not take the time to articulate his feelings to you. Marriages have their ups and downs and he should have worked harder at it. With that said, you can still go to counseling yourself to learn how to deal with a divorce that you did not ask for,nor want, and how to cope with being a single mom of 2. Your right Trace, this may be the best thing that ever happened to you, its just hard to see that at this particular point in your life. I'm sorry, sweetie. Your a very attractive person, do not worry about the future, just concentrate on taking care of yourself and your beautiful kids. And, definitely get your own lawyer. Do NOT let him talk you out of that...
   — Cindy R.

December 17, 2003
So sorry you're going through this. I've had bouts of relationship issues and know how terrible and overwhelming it is. I know this sounds totally cheesy, but check out stopyourdivorce.com. There was a point in my relationship that my husband was going to leave and totally desperate, I tried out the suggestions on this guy's website - he's a psychologist of some kind - and it TOTALLY worked. Like I said, I realize this sounds hokey, but it gave me some measure of control. Within 2 or 3 days of implementing the website's suggestions my husband came to ME wanting to work things out. Wierd. Maybe just a coincidence but if you're desperate it might be worth it. (FYI I wouldn't necessarily suggest paying for the "e-book" - just read the samples he has on the website - it's enough info to go on.) Good luck!! Email me if you need to chat or a shoulder to cry on. I feel your pain!!!
   — Tiffany J.

Click Here to Return