Question:
After 4 years of not seeing a male friend he found out about my surgery

and now for the past few weeks has been coming to visit me once twice a week. I haven't come out and asked him why he stopped coming around for so long not sure i should. I enjoy his company but in the back of my mind i have to wonder what the reason is that he stayed away so long. My gosh we live in the same town and only saw eachother on the streets or driving by would wave. He had been asking a mutual friend about me frequently just before my surgery when he found out about it. Like i said hes a very nice man very kind and has a great sense of humor. Anyway, my question is what do ya'll think and has anyone had this happen to them? BTW, im 7 weeks out and down 57lbs. YAY ME!! Thanks in advance for your responses. Best wishes to you all    — Sally H. (posted on November 5, 2003)

November 5, 2003
Just ask him. It sounds like he was asking about you before he knew about the surgery but don't you want to know what you are dealing with? Be honest and deal with whatever comes of it. It is always the best way in general.
   — Carol S.

November 5, 2003
i hope he just missed you and longed for your company, but in truth some men simply can not be with a fat woman because of what others will think> oir becuase of what they think deep down?? i would ask him?
   — janetc00

November 5, 2003
I think if you don't ask him, the questions will always be in the back of your mind. Many men are just not comfortable being around or turned on by fat women. Period. Though they are missing out on wonderful women, its their perogative.
   — Cindy R.

November 5, 2003
Hi Sally, Congrats on the 57. Yay you!!! Was it four years ago you started gaining weight or gained the last bit of the excess? If he waited until after he found out you were having surgery then I would be suspicious too. I agree you have to ask or you'll always wonder. Hope it works the way you want and continued success to you. S
   — sherry hedgecock

November 5, 2003
Hi Sally- Congratulations on your loss so far :o) When I first read your question, I kept thinking "how shallow" of your friend. But I have to admit, when I was single, a VERY nice man was interested in me but I just couldn't get past his weight. We would have great times, always at his apartment, where he would cook me dinner, we would play board games and rent movies, etc. He also never made any moves on me, other than telling me how much he cared. We never took it outside his apartment, now that I'm MO, I understand why- I'm sure he couldn't have fit in a restaurant booth, movie seat, etc. He was extremely MO, like someone that you may see on Maury or Jerry Springer, etc asking for help. At that time (15 years ago), I was heavy but carried it very well, and not to the point of extreme MO where I am now. (What goes around comes around, I guess.....). Fast forward to 15 years later, my hubby is MO but it has no effect on my feelings for him :o),except for concerns about his health. Maybe your friend has matured over the 4 years, as I'd like to think I have. But as other people have said, the best way to find out is to ask him. Good Luck :o) Mea
   — Mea A.

November 5, 2003
Maybe he liked you but might not have been physically attracted to you. I hate to say it, but men look at the outside package first and that's the first thing there attracted to. Maybe now he feels that after your surgery he KNOWS you will be thin eventually and he liked the inside person but couldn't accept the outside fat person. I have to admit, I'm not attracted to MO men. I like fit and in shape guys. If that makes me shallow, then so be it. I like to call it "personal preference".
   — Patty H.

November 5, 2003
You know, his current interest may have nothing at all to do with your weight or imminent WLS. Maybe his life got busy and things were back-burnered and when this all came up he got to thinking about you again. Things like this DO happen you know :>) I would ask him though (simply because I'm nosy lol) why he stopped coming around and express your pleasure at his renewed friendship. I have recently had a couple of renewed friendships (with female friends) and have asked why our friendships went by the wayside and the responses have been a bit bitter to swallow, but after thinking on them I have to agree. I was told that I'd become very depressing to be around as my weight ballooned and my attitude deminished. I was depressed and therefore depressing. I also began to seriously limit my time away from home and the activities I'd get involved in. Made it very hard to be an active friend. Anyway, just some food for thought. Good luck with this and all you do.
   — [Deactivated Member]

November 6, 2003
Hi, Congrats on your success! Ditto - ask him. If he's shallow, ask yourself "Can I put up with that?"
   — Soosan

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