Question:
I'm pre-op, but self-esteem is up, my DH is so disrespectful, how do I handle it?
Throughout our relationship, my DH has really disrespected me sexually. He objectifies me, does not really respect my opinions and doesn't think I am very intelligent (despite I got into Harvard, got 1530 on my SAT's, my IQ is 156 and I have an application pending to MENSA). He will make crude remarks and gestures regarding oral sex, grab my breasts and make no attempt to hide the fact that he is looking under my skirt. I didn't use to mind it so much, but now that my self-esteem is increasing (and I have a daughter), I am getting sick of it. I have told him it is crude, I have told him I don't appreciate it, and asked him to stop but he doesn't. I currently am ignoring him and walking out of the room when he does it. It is making it so I don't want to have sex with him (he thinks I am SO smitten for his "member" when I really would prefer to just keep reading - I always fake it). How do I tell him nicely that sex to me isn't about objectifying eachother but a meaningful experience? How do I get him to respect me? We are in couples therapy, but this seems TO personal and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I am worried because I fear it will get WORSE when I am post-op (he is already looking at skimpy clothes and nighties for me). HELP!! -Erinn DC — Erinn D. (posted on October 22, 2003)
October 22, 2003
I'm divorced, so maybe I'm not an expert, but he needs to have his butt sat
down and have a serious talk. Let him know this is important to you.
Don't try to hurt his feelings, but be honest. You are not doing
him,yourself, or your relationship any favors with just taking it. He
doesn't seem to worry about hurting your feelings. Being crude and nasty
is not an expression of love and respect. It sounds like he acts more like
an animal than a man. Maybe it's just his male insecurity or intellectual
insecurity, but he needs to hear the truth and grow up. Good luck, my
prayers are with you.
— jan M.
October 22, 2003
Erin, I don' have an answer for you, except to say that you're right. It
WILL only get worse after surgery. If you're in therapy and not being open
and honest in there, then the therapy is probably a waste of time. Don't
mean to be harsh, just trying to be realistic. I wish you the best of luck
with your hubby and hope you can find a way for your feelings to get
through and mean something to him.
— LMCLILLY
October 22, 2003
Erinn: I believe you know the answer to your question. Things will NOT
get better, if anything, they will worsen. Why would you want such a
horrible person for a husband OR a father? You started by saying
"throughout our relationship...", so what makes you think
anything will change? Please stand up for yourself. A woman with high
self esteem would never subject herself to such humiliation.
— Amy A.
October 22, 2003
First of all, I will say that if I offend you anytime during this response
I apoligize...but I think you need to hear this! Why are you worried about
hurting his feelings? He obviously doesn't care about your feelings! And
the answer to how you get him to respect you...You DEMAND respect. You move
out or take the necessary steps to show him you are serious and that you
will no longer tolerate his behavior. It is one thing to say I try to tell
him how I feel and he just won't change. Well, there really is no reason
for him too change when you just continue to put up with it. Ignoring it
and walking away from it won't make it stop. And if nothing else...you said
you have a daughter (I have 2 daughters) and I can tell you all you are
teaching her is that it is okay for men to disrespect women...even if he
never doesn those things in front of her...she will know! Don't play the
victim here...take charge of your life and make the necessary changes to
better yourself. You already said you are intelligent...but I have to
wonder about the self-esteem. If you were feeling good about you...you
wouldn't put up with that kind of treatment! The only reason I am being so
blunt is because as women...we need to stand up for ourselves. I just
recently left my husband because he continually lied to me (which I
considered disrespectful) and I didn't want my daughters to think his
behavior was okay! Please know that I care and if you want to email me feel
free to do so! You deserve better and so does your daughter! There are men
in this world who will respect you...don't settle for less than the best!
Denise Davis-open RNY 7/1/03 256/179/140
— Denise D.
October 22, 2003
Don't waste your time or money on counseling if you are not going to be
honest about your issues. This is a big one and you deserve to be respected
in your relationship. I think that if you have been putting up with this
all along he mey just not believe you when you suddenly say it is not okay.
After all it has been okay up until now. I think that counseling is the
perfect place to bring this up. I am sure that it won't shock your
therapist in the slightest. They have generally heard it all. It is
embarrassing but if you can get a handle on it now then maybe later you
have a shot at a good marriage.
— Carol S.
October 22, 2003
Erinn,
You have been verbally and emotinally abused and you do not even realize
it. The behavior is concidered to be Domestic Violence. You must ask
yourself a few questions: 1. Do you want your daughter taking this type of
behavior from someone? Well guess what you are teaching her that this
behavior is o k. God's word tell us to be submissive to each other. He will
never respect you, He has shown you that. Why will you allow him to use
your body if he can't respect the gift that GOD gave you. He seems like he
is not secure within his self by having to degrade another. STand up for
yourself and your daughter.
— Steffanie J.
October 22, 2003
Oh my gosh, I was married to him!! Just kidding, kind of. I was married
to my first husband for 5 1/2 years and you just described him perfectly.
Guess who was shocked out of his gourd when I left him and filed for
divorce? Not me. Good men exist and are respectful of their mates. I
have been married almost 31 years to my second husband and he is the
kindest, most respectful and loving man. I deserved to be treated better
and you do too.
I really agree about being completely honest in your counseling sessions
because you will either get this worked out or you will know when it is
time to move on. If you are in couples therapy this is because you are
already attempting to work on issues, this is THE biggie in your life and
needs your complete honesty. You are correct it will get worse as you lose
weight. I remember telling my ex how I felt and he never heard me. The
end result of his relationship in the life of our oldest daughter is that
she is 36 and refuses to get involved with a man because she does not want
anyone controlling her the way her father tried to do. Remember highly
intelligent people can be abused too. I wish you the very best as your
proceed towards your rebirth.
— Arizona_Sun
October 22, 2003
He is not a man. A real man would treat his woman like a queen and worship
her. He would respect her body, not grope and ogle it. I am ashamed to
know there are men out there like this. He does not deserve a woman of
your caliper. I am sorry, but I was brought up to respect and treat women
like precious jewels. I always have and always will. I can't see treating
any woman this way. It is disgusting. You are a very smart woman. So why
do you put up with such stupid behavior. I would have been gone a long
time ago. Find a real man and let him go. He sounds sick. Sorry so hard,
just my 2 cents worth.
— QUEENS B.
October 22, 2003
Erinn, One of the first things my dr discussed (after the procedure of
course)was how relationships change. If you are not in a healthy
relationship to begin with, the boost in your self esteem and confidence
just might give you what you need to get out of it. No one should have to
put up with that kind of behavior. We tend to stay when we are feeling bad
about ourselves. Once we start feeling good again we realize how much
better our lives can be - being with someone that appreciates you and
treats you the right way! There are men like that out there! My dr says
he's seen a lot of couples divorce for these reasons. Don't sell yourself
short, you have a lot to offer someone who deserves it and that makes you
feel good about being who you are! I know it's not easy, but just think of
how much happier you will be!
— Lynne Z.
October 22, 2003
Just my 2 cents worth here...I'm sorry to sound too crude or gruff, but he
sounds like a first class jerk, and dosen't deserve someone like you.
Before your surgery, he may be comfortable with his 'macho' position, but
deep down I'm sure he is terrified of you looking for something better down
the road, and you would do yourself an injustice if you let him continue
with this behavior. A jerk can be a jerk every once in a while, but a
jacka** is forever, and I'm sorry, but he sounds like a world class
jacka**. Give it some time, maybe he will come around and realize what he
could lose,but if his behavior dosen't improve...move on with your new life
and continue onward and upward. Men of that caliber will bring everyone
down around them eventually, and you deserve much better than that. If he
won't go to counseling, go by yourself, and when the time comes, make the
decision, are you better off with or without him? After a few months take
up some beneficial martial arts courses for yourself, and take him down a
notch or two, sometimes that helps. Sorry if I was too blunt, but men who
treat people like that deserve a swift kick out the door, preferably at
speeds over 55 mph!
— track
October 22, 2003
OK, here goes, and I apologize in advance if this sounds harsh. You say
your self respect is growing, but unfortunately, you are being treated like
this because you are ALLOWING it (and have allowed it in the past) - yes,
his behavior is inexcusable, but you need to be firm (and don't worry about
hurting his feelings) that this is NOT acceptable behavior, that you DON'T
like it, and that it is to STOP NOW. And as for sex, STOP FAKING IT!!! You
don't have to be mean, just be honest. What's the worst that could happen?
He leaves you? Maybe you'd be better off. Also, as far as couples therapy
is concerned - good grief, THIS is EXACTLY the type of issue that you
SHOULD be discussing in couples therapy - trust me, they've heard it all,
and I know it seems too private to you, but the others who have already
commented on this are right - this is an issue that needs to be brought up
and dealt with in therapy. Do this for yourself, do this for your daughter,
and do this for your marriage.
— johanniter
October 22, 2003
yes couples therapy is personal, but it might help for him to hear the same
things you are saying but from another person. men are funny that way. if
you do decide to do therapy don't hold back. the therapist isn't there to
judge. if you aren't all the way open then they can't help you "all
the way". best of luck to you and your family
— franbvan
October 23, 2003
I don't have much to add as the others have summed it up nicely except to
say that intelligence has nothing to do with it. Some of the most
intelligent people have self-esteem issues. The bigger issue is your
daughter. She is learning how men and women interact and what marriage is
all about through watching you and your husband. Is this what you want to
teach her? Is she learning the respect between a husband and wife? There
is your answer. It is within your power to communicate this to your
husband (be honest with the therapist), and if he is not willing to change,
its your decision on whether you want to stay and put up with it.
— Cindy R.
October 23, 2003
Frankly, your thought processes on this one are rather puzzling to me.
Therapy is all about talking about personal things, so how can it be TOO
personal to bring up there, with the person who most needs to hear it? And
how can it be too personal to talk about with your husband and/or
therapist, but not to personal to share with a bunch of strangers on an
internet site?
I think you need to take responsiblity for getting your message through to
him that his public displays make you feel disrespected and uncomfortable,
and that you won't tolerate it anymore for the sake of your daughter. If
he continues to disregard your feelings, then the next decision is yours.
— sandsonik
October 25, 2003
Be very careful of your daughter. From your post, it sounds like she is
not his child. That is a very dangerous place for her if not. A man who
is so disrespectful to his wife and so gossly sexual, will not think
anything of using the daughter to get his fantasies met if you stop letting
him use you! Is he into pornography?? He definitely sounds like a man who
is. They get very perverted sexual feelings from that totally worthless
stuff. Such as every woman loves to be mistreated and that they are just
objects to use for gratification, they don't have any feelings at all, etc,
etc, etc ad nauseum. Please be very careful of you both. Don't assume he
hasn't approached her, NO MATTER HER AGE! You may need a separation to
keep her safe. Do not think he won't be capable of physical violence to
keep things the way they are. It is hard to think correctly under this
type of emtional abuse. Try to keep you and your daughter safe!!! I will
be praying for you both. Best wishes, karen
— Karen M.
Click Here to Return