Question:
What do I say to my best friend?!?!?!?!
I'm 3 months post-op and have lost almost 70 lbs to date. My best friend has gained weight and is currently the size I was pre-op. She constantly says things like "I'm SO fat" and I am getting tired of hearing it and thinking of things to say back. How do I respond to her??? — megmegmegmeg (posted on October 14, 2003)
October 13, 2003
You respond with caring and support, just like
you would have liked before you had your surgery.
Lead by example, your love and support may change
two lives(her and yours).
— funfunfun
October 13, 2003
Couple of thoughts here - first, who knows better than you how she feels?
She needs your support and friendship now, regardless of what course of
action she decides to take (or not take) regarding her weight. Also, it
occurs to me that perhaps she is anxious that as you leave your MO behind,
you will also leave HER (and her MO) behind - and is desperate for your
acceptance regardless of her weight.
Maybe the next time she says something like this, simply tell her you
empathise with her, and ask if there is anything you can do to help. That
changes it from just her "unloading" on you to proposing your
ACTIVE help in an ACTIVE response to the problem. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I hope that you two can find a way to adjust to the new you, and
how she feels about and is reacting to that. Take care, and let us know how
it goes.
— johanniter
October 13, 2003
A few thoughts (as I too have two heavy friends, though not as large as I
am)...First, I'm sure you remember what that weight felt like, having just
been there. And how hard it was to deal with it and how others treated
you. Your friend might be realizing her weight more now, as she sees you
loosing so much weight. Now, I don't know why your friend is gaining
weight, but instead of getting annoyed with her for calling herself fat,
offer to help her out. Just tell her you love her and want her to be happy
and remember if she says no thanks or that she can do it on her own, don't
push her. I don't know about you, but after a while hearing my friend's
words of wisdom made things worse emotionally for me. If she is capable of
loosing on her own, maybe ask her to join YOU at weight watchers...make it
like you need her there for support. Maybe she'll get into it if no ones
bothering her. If she up for that or she realizes that she needs help,
offer to see her through all this. Go with her to her doctor's office.
Help her if she wants help, otherwise be a friend. Just listen to her,
love her and when she calls herself fat tell her that if she feels bad, she
can do something about it (be it diet and exercise or surgery) and that
you'll be there 100% to help her, just as she's helped you. I don't know
if any of this is helpful.
— Renee B.
October 14, 2003
If she's your best friend, I presume that you've talked at length about
your surgery process and journey thus far and she's probably listened to
more than her share of your 'complaining' along the way. My best friend
and I have always been the same weight, she's just 6 inches shorter than I
am! Anyway, when I started looking into the surgery, she was very
supportive and even said that she should 'think about it - some day'.
Well, after my surgery she was great, at first. Then, when I had lost
50-70 pounds, she started backing off a bit- and then we went throught the
'I'm so fat' attitude and comments. But, being that we have been friends
for so long, I would say to her, then maybe it's time that you do something
about it, or have you thought about checking into having surgery, or other
times I would just say, even though I've lost all of this weight now, I
still know how you feel. Anyway, after a few months it did get
better....she just didn't want to talk about weight (mine or hers) anymore.
Then, when I was down about 105 pounds my family stayed over night at her
house (we live about 45 minutes apart) and I needed something to wear under
my nightgown so I didn't freeze to death and she offered me a pair of her
leggings...which, apparantly she thought would still fit me. Well, to make
a long story short, they fell off, and she cried. No one really likes
being fat and while your friend may be happy for you, she may also be
feeling sad for herself. Try to remember what it was like before you had
the surgery. Try to put yourself in her shoes...what if the she was the
one losing all of the weight, not you. Try to be sensitive to the fact
that she is just not ready, or able, to make the drastic lifestyle changes
that you have. Maybe she will some day and I'm sure you'll be her biggest
support.
— eaamc
October 14, 2003
You have already gotten so many great answers on your post, I'm not sure
what I can add. My best friend and I were always overweight but she was the
first one to lose, going to Weight Watchers. She had maintained her weight
for about 8 years now while I ballooned up. She never faultered in her
support and love of me. She never chastised me or did the mother hen thing.
She never totally flaunted her loss either. It made it easier to be happy
for her and to encourage her then. Now, I've had RNY, lost 108 lbs and
she's gained this past year. I'm smaller than she is. So the tables have
turned. She's telling me about how disgusted she is with herself and what
she's going to do (like exercise and diet) to get back on the bandwagon. I
am supportive and try not to over do it about my weightloss. We are 3 hours
apart so we're not around each other all the time now. I'm sure that it's
different when you get to spend more time together. If you eat out
together, share a salad or a meal. Go walk together. Do things that are
"good" for the both of you. Melisa RNY 08/15/02 -108 lbs
— mbradley35
October 14, 2003
Give her a break. Remember how you felt like that most your life? She is
probably feeling even fatter seeing you melt away. I'm sure she is happy
for you, but feels abandoned in some weird way. Reassure her that she is
not her weight. Remind her what it is about her that makes her a good
friend, or fun to be around, and that her real friends, or people who take
time to know her don't see her weight, they see HER. Maybe she is
interested in this surgery? Maybe she needs your support there. Good
Luck, I know it's hard.
— Michele B.
October 14, 2003
Just respond with "I know how you feel" because you do. Is she
interested in having the surgery? If so, you can be a great supporter for
her on her journey. If not, try not to get annoyed, its tough for her to
watch her best friend change right in front of her eyes.
— Cindy R.
October 14, 2003
omg... i know exactly how everyone is feeling. but my problem is with my
sister. i have been over weight my whole life and she wasnt until later on
in life. she done the weight watchers thing and lost weight but gained it
back. so when i had wls she was behind me 100% and braged on me so much .
but the more weight i lose the less time she wants to spend with me. and to
make things worse her best friend had the surgery also and she hardly ever
has any time for her so now she and i spend time together. i love my sister
and i know she can lose weight where i tried everything and failed. so i
try and encourage her to go back to weight watchers but she just keeps
pushing me away. i am worried about her weight as she has gained alot since
my surgery which was june 11th of this year. i have lost 104 lbs and she
has gained around 40lbs. i just pray she gets over her little complex and
see's she too can be on the losing sde of life and we can do it together
just in different ways.
— PATRICIATRICE
October 15, 2003
Meghan, Congrats on your success! I personally think that if you love your
friend, the most important thing right now is to show unconditional love
and support for her. In other words, sit her down and tell her that it
hurts you to hear her berate herself so. It might be wise to check
yourself a bit too; When you look at her are you seeing "a fat
person" or her? Can you see beyond the fat, through the fat or her in
all her current glory (fat and all)and love her? How do you talk about
your "former self"? My advice is to learn to love all the
different stages of you. Then, teach her that fat is a neutral word that
describes the outward person. Try to resist being part of the culture that
sees fat=bad. Reassure her that you'll be there for her no matter what
and tell her you're available to talk to about any of the weightloss
options out there. Always speak the truth in love. Afterall, isn't that
what friendship is all about?
— Soosan
October 15, 2003
Meghan, I really think that life on the Losing Side must contain the
truth-telling we were so afraid of in the old life. You already know that
it is neither kind or loving to have anyone say such things to you. Now
you must decide if you will face your friend with such unfriendly
statements, and be willing to walk away from her--from anyone--who would
treat you badly. Honesty is all. Be compassionate with her--she is in
pain--but be loving to yourself, only surround yourself with those who
support and care for you. That's the New Life.
— Deborah M.
October 15, 2003
Congratulations to you! I agree wholeheartly with all the other advice you
have received from others on this site. I remember every time someone
expressed "concern" for my obesity and was afraid I may die.
Verbally I thanked them for their concern and told them not to worry.
Inside I was telling them to "**** ***", if you know what I mean.
I am sure you are proud of yourself but never forget you also walked in her
shoes. Ke kind and compassionate. If she is indeed your best friend, she
will be no matter what she looks like on the outside. She's hurting, wrap a
loving blanket around her.
— Sandra Y.
October 16, 2003
I have seen friends seem to get more insecure about them selves as I lose
weight. It can be very painful to even moderately over weight people to
hear their friend get all the compliments for losing weight after weight
losss surgery. My plan of action includes looking for those who must be
hurting and compliment them on something every single time I see them
whether it is their hair, outfit, makeup, nails, what ever I can find. It
has felt rel good to be on the recieving end of so many compliments that I
have had to remind my self to think of others and remember their feelongs
may be tender. I hope I never for get the pain of Morbi Obesity and how it
hurts those who are suffering from it.
— **willow**
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