Question:
Anybody have problems with their spose after weight loss?
My husband and I have been married for 15yrs. We have 5 children. I have been a homemaker and had a weight problem ever since we married. I had the surgery 8=19-02 and lost 220 lbs. I am a size 6 or 7 now. I have gained alot of self confidence and decided to get a job. I started work yesterday. I felt so wonderful! The problem is my husband has critisized my work desicion. He makes fun of me and trys to make me feel guilty. I feel like he's threatened by my happiness. I want to take some courses this winter at college. He says your not smart enough or you think your something now that you have lost weight. Does anybody have any spouse who treats them differently since their weight loss? I also get alot of head turning now that I've lost weight. I love my husband and he doesn't seem to share in my happiness. What do I do?Thanks for all your answers, Beth — Elizabeth C. (posted on October 3, 2003)
October 3, 2003
LOTS of people have problems in their marriage after a dramatic life change
such as significant weight loss. Don't be embarrased to see a marriage
counselor. Your husband is going through a lot of change, too. He has a new
wife who not only looks completely different but is going out and living
life now. Good luck to you.
— Yolanda J.
October 3, 2003
If you can get your husband to go with you for counselling, that would be
great. I am trying to figure out how someone smart enough to get healthy
like you can be called "not smart." Has he always spoken like
this to you, or is it only since the weight-loss? No one deserves to be
talked to in such a manner. He needs an attitude adjustment. And if he is
not going to change his, you may need to find a great way to deal with it!
— kultgirl
October 3, 2003
You need someone to talk all this through with. It would be wonderful if
you could get your husband to be involved in the conversations, but from
what you've said, he may feel threatened by the changes in you. But don't
let your husband or anybody else tell you that what you've done for
yourself isn't wonderful. A job, taking courses are ways to improve
yourself and nobody should be put down for that. Nobody deserves to be
told they're not smart enough! Don't take that kind of crap off of
anyone--including your husband. It's time for some serious talks, between
you and your husband or with a counselor.
— Cathy S.
October 3, 2003
As a stay at home mother of 5 (or should we say 6), your husband is used to
your world revolving around him and your kids. Now that you've lost the
weight and are pursuing outside interests, he may be making feeling
insecure about these changes in your life and relationship, especially if
those interests are apart from him and the kids. I'm not saying that these
changes aren't good, you just need to make sure that there is adequate
communication bridging the gap to those changes. Also, remember that you
really are becoming a different woman than the one he married...after all,
she wouldn't have gotten a job and run off to college, would she? He may
just need some time (and reassurance), to get to know the 'new'
you...which, again, only comes with communication. I know it's easier said
than done, especially with 5 kids....but maybe try a date night once a
month and just focus on the two of you for the evening.
— eaamc
October 3, 2003
I have to tell you, I was warned that this surgery ends with an 80% divorce
rate. I swore it would not happen to me. I left my husband this past
January. Sometimes it is just hard for everyone to adjust to the new you.
Including you. Hopefully he will try to work things out, but mine was not
willing until it was too late.
Good Luck
— Jennifer L.
October 3, 2003
Your husband might be worried that he's going to be left behind as you
pursue all these new interests, and gain some independence. Try to see it
from his view, and maybe that will make it easier to work it out. Once he
realizes you haven't "outgrown" him, he'll probably be OK. Right
now, he's in defensive mode.
— Vespa R.
October 3, 2003
I have a question, does he get enough attention from his new beautiful,
confident, happy wife? Sometimes all I have to do when my husband is wierd
about something is give him a little more attention. Also, sounds like
your husband feels insecure about the new you. Maybe he needs some
reassurance that you aren't going to work or school because you want to
lose him. But that you are bettering yourself, remind him that he'll
benefit from this too. But tell him also to stop with the negative
comments, that you don't need them, or deserve them, and how it makes you
feel. That part has to stop!
— Dreaming2Bthin !.
October 3, 2003
Hi Elizabeth....My husband has told me several times how many heads I am
going to be turning and I haven't even had the surgery yet! I think extra
attention is in order here. But I agree the cruel remarks are uncalled for
and I hope you let him know how much that hurt you. Valori Gutierrez
— valori
October 3, 2003
When all is said and done, this is out and out mental abuse and NOBODY
deserves it for ANY reason! I highly encourage you to tell your husband
that he is no longer allowed to speak in this manner to you and that if he
can't at least shut up, then he can leave. I can understand if he's
fearful or jealous/insecure but that is no excuse for trashing your
self-esteem or belittling you to keep you down. You deserve much better
than that!
— [Deactivated Member]
October 3, 2003
I don't really have an answer to this, but I FEEL FOR YOU, and am sorry
you're having to go thru this CRAP. Why can't SOME guys quit with the
HEADGAMES and come right out and say what they feel and need. It would make
life so much easier, and we would also WANT to be nicer, more thoughtful
ect... to them. The way your husband is going about it is NOT going to make
you FEEL more loving towards him. I am going to bring this up with my
husband and try to get this talked out prior to me having this surgery. (I
have'nt been approved yet!). I know prayer works and will keep you in
mine!! I just feel that he should be PROUD of you and KNOW that if you've
been together for 15yrs and 5 kids that you WANT to be with HIM. Is he
overweight too? Maybe this is causing some insecurities. My husband is but
says would not EVER consider this surgery. Your situation could very well
be mine one of these days, as I want a LIFE after surgery too. I am tired
of just SURVIVING.
— bufordslipstick
October 3, 2003
After hearing about all the marital problems faced by many post op in my
support group, several are near divorice or are divoriced. I decided to be
proactive. I sat my husband down and said straight out, a lot of marriages
are rocky after this surgery and with the changes in weight and confidence.
I told him I love him very much and that if he is haveing any trouble
coping or feeling jealous or afraid that he needs to talk to me. That I
love him dearly and want to spend my whole life with him and don't ever
want anything to come between us. I think your husband may be feeling
insecure like you will meet someone else and leave him. He may be
unconciously trying to test you to see how much you love him and if you are
planning to leave him. Open communications by talking straight out. If you
can't, try counseling. With 5 kids it is a big responsiblity and you also
want to set for them the example of a good loving marriage with open
positive communication.
— **willow**
October 4, 2003
Actually, I just went through a brief seperation with my wife after having
lost 165 pounds, but the fault was my own. It was difficult for both of us
to deal with the extra attention and head turning I was getting after
having been so unattractive for so long. (don't get me wrong, I'm not
saying I look that good, lol) Fortunately, we are going to counseling and
are working on it to make things better. I would suggest you do the same.
I don't think this is something that can be ignored because the feelings
only fester and get deeper and more resentful as time goes on. Good luck
to both of you. - Mike
— Michael N.
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