Question:
Is it shallow to think CONTANTLY about how good you will look?
Whenever I sit and think about having WLS, I FANTASIZE about how good (read sexy) I will look, especially to my husband. Sure, I look forward to having extra energy and less back pain, but I don't have any co-morbid conditions that I can look forward to (i.e. getting off diabetic meds). All I can think about is looking good and all the CUTE clothes I am going to wear. Does this make me totally shallow? Should I re-evaluate why I am having this surgery? I keep reading about people who "just want to feel better." Well, I just want to look GOOD...lol, I guess this does make me shallow. What did/do you guys think of? — Erinn D. (posted on August 19, 2003)
August 19, 2003
Are you being shallow? Maybe, but so what? You will look good. And feel
good too.
— Cisbell
August 19, 2003
I did the same thing pre-op, but I am an obessive/compulsive person. Now
that I am 157 pounds lighter, I am obsessing over my appearance. I look at
myself all the time, but its for the opposite reason. I think I look huge
(though I have went from size 28 to 10). Its that problem most of us have
where our minds haven't caught up with our bodies. I am 11 months post-op
and most of the time I still feel heavy. Its funny though, just when I
start to feel good about myself, I try something on that I can where, but
the sagging skin bulges out so I look ridiculous. Or someone makes a
comment like "how much more are you going to lose", but they ask
it as if I still need to lose a large amount (I am 4 pounds from my goal)
or like one man told me, "You are still considered overweight".
My suggestion is find a good therapist NOW. I wish I had. I am having major
issues and now can not afford a head doctor so I am constantly in a funk. I
don't mean to make it sound as if I am not happy with my WLS decision, I
just wish I was able to get my head straightened out enough to now move on
with my life as a "normal" sized person......Good luck to you!
— karmiausnic
August 19, 2003
Erinn, I want to thank you for writing what i have been thinking. I also
think about how I want to be the one to take my kids to the water park and
the pool instead of my neighbor or relatives. But I gotta tell you it's a
50/50 thing, cause right along with that I think how good I will look
taking them there too, LOL... So don't feel bad you're not alone! Email me
and we can be shallow together!!! LOL, LOL, LOL,....... God Bless
Ya!!!!!!!!
— Lizette A.
August 19, 2003
HI Erin- I'm sooo glad you posted this question! Wanting to look better
and feel happy with your clothing choices and make yourself feel more
enticing to your husband is by no way "shallow" I started out at
304 lbs- after having 5 children and being the fat- mom and housewife- I
would dream constantly of being in a thin person's skin- not only to look
better but to fit into society and be desirable again to my husband- Not to
mention to have my kids be proud of me and not be teased by thier class
mates. Along with the health you will gain physically, your emotional
health and wellbeing are just as important, and it's hard to be emotionally
sound when we feel like outcasts in our social surroundings. Shallow? NOT
at all- you are having a healthy outlook - later on during your weight loss
you will no longer question your motives for wls- you will be so thankful
to have the opportunity to better your life. Every day people struggle to
better thier lives in many different ways and that, to me is ambitious and
admirable- never shallow. Best of luck to you!
— lyndaleigh
August 19, 2003
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to look your best and
wear cute clothes, and there is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to
have your husband think you look good too. Being in good health, having
more energy and less back pain are also good reasons to have this
surgery.And just because you are lucky and do not have any other
co-morbidities does not mean you would not have developed them in the near
future by remaining obese. I LOVE wearing nice clothes and getting
compliments now. I compliment myself all the time! Not to burst your
bubble, though, but most of us, tend to be dismayed after we lose
significant amounts of weight and are left with hanging, saggy skin. I
look totally different in clothes (nice!) than I do out of clothes (oooh,
call the plastic surgeon..)
— Cindy R.
August 19, 2003
Have you ever cried after shopping for hours and not finding one thing to
wear? Have you ever tried on everything in your closet only to find
nothing fits and cried? Have you dieted and exercised for weeks and weeks
only to lose a pound or two? Have you felt all that despair, hopelessness,
frustration and downright sorrow? Have you ever avoided social occasions
because of your weight? Have you limited your life because of your
weight?
If you can answer any of these questions as a YES, then you deserve to
WALLOW IN THE WONDER THAT WILL BE YOU!!!!! Think about it, meditate on it,
wrap yourself in it, and just be thrilled that the day will soon be here.
You deserve it!!!! I am seven months post bypass and 1 week post face lift
and all I can think of is how GREAT I'm going to look during the holidays.
I deserve it. I suffered for a long time without that feeling, in face
with the OPPOSITE feeling and by golly, I deserve the good feelings!!! Did
you ever doubt you deserved the bad feelings? NO! So you should not doubt
you deserve the good ones! Have a GREAT MENTAL TIME OF IT!!!! WOO HOO!
— susanje
August 19, 2003
It is totally normal to enjoy imagining how good you will look and how good
you will feel because of that. Just remember that nothing is ever how we
imagine it. I am coming up on my 1-yr surgery anniversary in a couple of
months. I've lost 100 lbs and have gone from size 24 to size 12. I
imagined that I would have been thrilled with that result, but I'm greedy,
I want more and losing weight now is a struggle (keep to the diet and
exercise alot). I like how I look in clothes, feel normal and am accepted
by society, and yes now I get a lot of those looks from men. Still, I am
overweight and have hanging skin on my tummy. What I try to do, and my
advice to you, is remember how bad you felt being morbidly obese, and be
very thankful and happy to be normal size and shopping in the regular
sizes. Try not to obsess about the numbers on the scale, or compare
yourself to others and you will be just fine. I don't think it's shallow,
I think it's normal. Best of luck.
— Margaret H.
August 19, 2003
After spending years of hating ourselves and hating the way we look, you
and the rest of us deserve to be a little "shallow". I cannot
pass a mirror without checking my reflection. I constantly compare myself
to other women on the street. Secretly of course. Always wondering is my
butt as big or as small as hers? Wanting to look and be sexy for your
husband is an admirable thing. You will also be surprised how much
attention you get from other men as well. Not only did I go from a size 22
to a 10. I also went from a brunette to a light blonde. I get doors held
for me, compliments from strange men and checked out from them constantly.
I am sure this will get old after a while but right now I am always
reaffirming this is me, I worked hard at it and am pleased with my results.
Shallow..maybe..but like someone else said...who cares?
— Charlene W.
August 19, 2003
Erinn, I don't think it is shallow, but it might be a little bit dangerous.
I have lost over 100 pounds, I now weight 113 and I look pretty darn good
(well, when I am dressed anyway). My health is much better and over all,
my life has improved a lot. BUT, looking good dosn't solve everything and
I'm afraid that sometimes we think it will make everything that is wrong
with our lives better. It doesn't. I still have stress, I still lose my
cool sometimes, some people are still annoying and rude, life goes on. It
is nice not to have all that weight on top of it, but the underlieing
struggles of life don't go away. Don't set yourself up to be disapointed.
— Amber L.
August 19, 2003
hell no!! hahaha think about all the time we have wasted thinking how awful
we look and feel. i think it is great to finally be able to think positive
things instead of negative about myself. you might not have any co-morbids
now...but you sure could later. i didn't have any untill this past year
when i gained another 40 pounds. i know there are alot of people who say
that they just want to feel better, but i think that unless they are at
death's door they are also thinking about how they too will look when the
weight comes off. granted they might not think about it so much and it
might not be the most important to them, but it is only natural AND healthy
to think about how your body will look. some people have never been normal
weight so i am sure they wonder too at what they will look like. who
doesn't want to look their best? if you qualify for surgery and can't get
the weight off any other way i would go for it. i thought i would be a
healthy fat person...i was wrong because i had no problems. then i got
sleep apena and awful joint pain in my knees, ankles and back. i wish i
would have been able to have wls sooner. my surgery is in 2 days.....AND I
CAN'T WAIT TO FEEL SEXY AGAIN :) just my 2cents
— franbvan
August 19, 2003
I don't feel its shallow at all. I'm still pre op I just got approved this
week and have the same thoughts. I am mainly doing it for my health but
view the looking better as a perk. A long time ago I stopped focusing on
doing my hair, putting make-up on, and going out of my way to look good
because I didn't feel like I looked good even after all the effort. I so
look forward to being a girlie girl (as my kids put it) again! I want to
dress up (or down LOL) and knock my husband's socks off. :o) I'm glad you
spoke up and asked this question! Now I know I'm not the only one thinking
about looking good again.
— Renee A.
August 19, 2003
I don't think that should make you feel shallow. Look at it like this,
when your overweight your constantly thinking about how BAD you look. So
after you've lost the weight, why NOT think about how GOOD you look?? You
have lost time to make up for so go ahead and feel good about yourself!!
— Patty H.
August 19, 2003
I don't think it's shallow, I think it's normal. And it's a bit of a nice
diversion from the anxiety associated with waiting for the surgery.
However, I am concerned that you might be setting yourself up for
disappointment - because you might not look like a swimsuit model when it's
all said and done. Are you prepared to be happy with the results if you
lose 60, 70, or 80 percent of what you want to lose instead of all of it?
Will you feel sexy to your husband if you still carry some extra pounds and
have loose skin?
I am six and a half months out, have lost over 65% of my excess weight, and
feel fantastic (I was a "lightweight" to begin with). It's funny
- but I feel sexy now, and attractive, and "normal" even though
I'm still TECHNICALLY 45 pounds overweight (if you go by the
"charts" - my surgeon sets my goal at about 20 pounds less than I
am now). I am still losing slowly - about a pound a week - and that's fine.
And instead of trying to attain a goal now, I'm simply waiting to see where
my weight stabilizes. This is the first time in my life I haven't felt the
need to lose a specific amount of weight to be "successful",
although I WOULD like to get to my surgeon's goal. I guess my point is that
fantisizing about how you will look, being able to buy normal clothes, and
feeling sexy for your husband is fun, normal, and expected - but HOW you
feel when you actually get there (or during the journey) comes a lot from
between your ears, and it's important to have realistic expectations so you
don't end up disappointed (or, on the flip side, so that you exceed your
wildest expectations! :)
— johanniter
August 19, 2003
wow!! I am having these exact same thoughts!! We should visit!! I am
totally obbsessed with the way I will look and the cute clothes I can
buy(and have already bought). I am 3 1/2 weeks pre op and keep wondering if
I am totally doing this for the wrong reasons. The doors have opened for me
though and I am going to go on through. I know we will be fine, but it is a
scary thing knowing whether or not we are making the right decision. Best
Wishes to you!! Keep in touch!!
— Calynn A.
August 20, 2003
My mirror and I are sincerely hoping that it isn't shallow as we've
developed quite a relationship these last couple of months :>)
— [Deactivated Member]
August 20, 2003
I am sooooo glad you posted this. I feel exactly the same way. I am 5'
2" and weigh 245 lbs. It would be silly for me to say I didn't think
about how I will look. I am constantly going around telling everyone now
how I am going to be "HOT" for the first time ever. I am only
24 years old and have been told that I have a beautiful face a million
times. I am ready to feel like it! I was talking to my husband the other
evening and telling him that I dont even know what I will look like because
I have been overweight my whole life. I want to look and feel like a 24
year old. My husband of 5 years has been wonderful through this whole
thing and I cant wait for him to see his "NEW" wife. I don't
really care what others opinions are on how "I feel." It's just
me and my husband and I know he is proud to be with me even if I never have
the surgery. Ever since I started this journey I have a new outlook on
everything. I walk into a store and instead of looking at the SIZE 8
clothes and thinking "YEAH RIGHT" I think not too long and that
will be too big on me. I have a whole new outlook on life. Keep seeing
yourself in those new little clothes!!!!
— Kari S.
August 20, 2003
I sure hope it isn't shallow. I have my 1st consult on 9/24/03, and already
I'm planning what I will wear and wondering how I will look. Ex. I was at
Sam's Club the other day and I saw the cutest tan suede, "fur"
lined jacket of course it did'nt fit but I told my husband that maybe I'd
buy it anyway for when it fit. I also have planned to be able to wear a
bikini, leather mini skirt, and to put Victoria's Secret out of business :)
I just keep planning on how I will expand my wardrobe. And my ultimate vain
plan is to not tell anyone on my husband's side of the family about my WLS.
Because I will probably see them at Christmas (surgery will hopefully be in
Feb) and then not again until my niece's B-day in June, and surprise I look
good and am no longer the butt of their jokes. Anyway I don't think it is
shallow because if you're like me and been big all your life, it's about
time we deserve it. Oh, did I forget to mention low rise jeans? God I can't
wait to wear the the trendy & fashionable clothes.
Estela
— vllgmz4
August 20, 2003
Hi Erinn,
Not that I need to respond b/c everyone here is so **wonderful** and kind.
Isn't it great? I feel the same way as all the other posters. Cindy Rubin
- LOVED your last comment! That was great..hahaha! And Kari, I'm right
there with you, honey! But I'm only 4'11" and weigh 252. I'm not
sure if I'll be sexy (is there such a thing as a sexy short girl?), but I
figure if my husband loves me as much as he does now.......JUST WAIT!
Woooo Hoooo! I cannot imagine buying clothes size 12 or 10. I sure I hope
I get to that point, and if I do, I'm going to LOVE every minute of it!
You just dream on, girl! It'll help pass the time away while we wait for
the big day.
— Louise D.
August 20, 2003
Oh my goodness!!!! You are NORMAL! yes Health is #1, but hey apeearance is
important. My personal vision of how I would look 100+ # lighter preop
doesn't match my post op body. I am down 113# to 147 I'm a thin woman in a
fat woman's skin now, and I have to say the loose skin bothers me a LOT
more than I expected it to. I am definiately not wearing low rise jeans, I
just don't think it would give the effect I want to make with the pannus
spilling over the top. same goes for the bikini, and little victorias
secret undies. it is control top briefs for me. My bra cups bag after a
month because the girls keep on shrinking. It was a nightmare getting a
swim suit when my pannus kept falling out the bottoms of the legs. I have
to wear swim shorts over my 1 piece. Other wise I reallly prefer long pants
and 3/4 length sleeves to hide my thighs and arms. Am I glad to be
thinner? oh heck yes!!!
— **willow**
August 20, 2003
Erin, if that's shallow then I'm your soul sister in shallowness!! I
fantasized about my looks before surgery and still do after surgery (I've
lost 104 lbs but have about 55 to go). Like you, I didn't have any
co-morbids either--just achy joints. So yes, I do feel better physically,
I can move better, go up my front steps without suckin' wind, get up from
the couch without grunting, etc. But the "looks" thing is
important to me too. So don't worry, girl, fantasize away, just remember
to be open-minded, e.g., your boobs or hips or butt, or whatever, may not
look exactly the way you envisioned or would like them to look. Exercise
will help. But remember that even if you're not picture-perfect, you will
absolutely look better. By the way, LOUISE DOUGLAS--is there such a thing
as a short sexy girl? Absolutely! Just ask Paula Abdul, Dolly Parton, and
Pat Benatar...
— Joyce C.
August 20, 2003
I can not believe how many responses you recieved Erin but i have thought
the same thing. I have a few co morbidities but i also want to like the
way i look and not feel embarrassed. I dream of going to victoria secrets
and maybe a beach someday, I want my husband to think of me , like really
think of me. Iknow he loves me but i want to rekindle some fires if you
get my meaning. I am tired all the time so i reallyt most want energy
second is a great butt and i don't care if i have to push it up into place
as long as when i get it where it belongs it looks good. Great question
and really great replys you all are the greatest group of people I have
met.
— susan B.
August 20, 2003
You are not shallow, you are having normal feelings. I am so happy about
the way I look now and the way I look in clothes. I hated my obesity
uniform which consisted of a long shirt and black pants and flat slip on
shoes. Now I wear whatever I want in any style and color. Am I shallow? No!
I'm celebrating my new improved life! Live it up girl!! Life is beautiful
and we also deserve to be Divas like all those celebrities!
— Marilyn R.
August 24, 2003
I tell everybody that it's all about my health. Yeah, they buy that. But
I'm lying. I want to look HOT. I may be the most shallow person in the
world, but I don't think so. I want to feel good EMOTIONALLY. I'm ok with
that, but other people might think that I have the wrong motivation. So I
lie. Big deal. My physical health will improve along with my self-image.
— Annie H.
August 24, 2003
Wow, I think this board has grown a lot "warmer and fuzzier"
cause I've seen responses to similar questions in the past that blasted the
questioner for being looks focused, as opposed to the idea that WLS should
only be done to "save lives". I look at it this way - even
though I didn't have any comorbidities to speak of, at 250lbs I WASN'T
living...I was severly depressed and couldn't fathom the thought of being
relegated to a sexless, lonely existance. In my mind weight related
depression can be just as devistating as diabetes, heart trouble, etc. so
it's not superficial at all to want to CURE that. Don't know if I am
making sense here, but as I've looked better, I've felt better, and I am
sure you will too...it's all related...
— rebeccamayhew
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