Question:
My friend hasn't said anything!
Hey, guys, quick question. I have a friend who has been quietly supportive of my surgery, i.e., she wished me well and said she hoped everything turned out OK, visited me in the hospital and at home. I'm now 5.5 months out and -90 lbs (have 70 lbs to go) and she hasn't said ONE BLESSED THING! Her son and her daughter have complimented me, but not her. I've even tried to elicit something, like saying to her "hey, I thought my husband's girlfriend's eyes were going to bug out when I saw him this weekend because he hasn't seen me since just before the surgery" (true fact). Her response was "oh!" I'm afraid I'm going to lose this friend once I pass into the "normal" category and, hey, maybe even be a little attractive (dare to dream). Has this happened to anyone else and/or does anybody have any insight? I know some people have had rotten in-laws ignore their efforts, or some women have hubbies who continue to criticize them despite losing tons of weight (so I'm keeping it all in perspective). But it bugs me a bit. PS: this friend is 22 years older than me (I'm 41). She has never had a weight problem in her life (was a size 5 for most of her teenage/adult life) nor has anyone in her family. In recent (post-menopause) years, she has put on a bit of weight (she's about a size 14-16 now) but has recently lost 9 lbs over about 2 months on Weight Watchers, which I congratulated her on. Any thoughts? — Joyce C. (posted on July 15, 2003)
July 15, 2003
Hi, since I have had surgery myself I have had nothing but extreme support
before and after, here is my story about a friend of mine. She had her
surgery about 20 years ago when the procedures were not as successful as
they are now and much more dangerous. Anyway she was very overweight and
had a best friend who was as well. As soon as she was granted the okay to
have the surgery by the doctor her friend started to become distant. She
managed to lose her weight and her friend actually said these words to her
" I can't be your friend anymore because I dont want to be the only
fat one and I feel like you are leaving me behind" I found it very sad
when this was a lifelong friend and this person only really viewed her
friendship as someone to be like her and not a valuable person to have in
her life no matter what she weighed. I hope that your friend is supportive
for you because we all need the reassureance that we are succeeding from
all the sources we can get. Good luck and keep smilin.
— UMMADUMMASS
July 15, 2003
Yep, it's the green eyed monster! The same thing happened with my sister.
All supportive until I weighed less than her...silence! She was cold to me
and our relations hasn't warmed up since. I feel bad, but its about her not
me! I know how you feel, it's hard. Perhaps you can talk to her?
— ZZ S.
July 15, 2003
OK, not QUITE the same but when I had my TT and lost weight also I went
from always being bigger than my sister and mother. Neither of which is
skinny either. Even though they're both about my size now, they're not
shaped the same. When I had the TT it just got weird for a while. It was
somehow hard on them. It was like they both felt unsure of their own
selves then. They WERE happy for me and thought I looked great. And it
bugged them to death that I couldn't see the difference in myself. Heck I
dropped from a tight 34W to a 26W quickly, and now wear a 24W. They still
love me and support me but we DON'T talk about it or dwell on it. I think
when it quit being such a new thing and they adjusted to me and it wasn't
the hot topic things got better very fast. Maybe your friend just feels
like my sister and mother did and she doesn't want to concentrate on that
issue as she's uncomfortable. If you're a good friend and want to keep her
make sure your relationship isn't about weight or food or diet or you
getting thinner. Make it about common interests and support each other in
those things just like you did before WLS. If you look at it from her
point, even though its not intentional you may be making her feel insecure
and maybe it even seems like rubbing her nose in it if you keep bring it
up. My 2c.
— Shelly S.
July 15, 2003
Maybe, just maybe, she doesn't know what to say--- I have a few friends
like that. They are quietly supportive-- always make an effort if they are
entertaining to offer me a healthy food choice, never pressure me to try
something (even a dessert that they slaved over) and ask about how I'm
feeling. When my wife asked one such person if they had noticed my weight
loss (at the time I had dropped over 150 pounds), they told her that I was
looking great but that they didn't want to embarass me. So, maybe it's not
jealousy at all, but just deference to the extreme.
— SteveColarossi
July 15, 2003
I've lost 98 lbs(surgery 12/23/02).. My co-workers and close friends have
been wonderful..instead of hearing wow you have really lost alot of weight
or how BIG I was--I'm hearing "You look great". Nothing has been
said by my sister or nieces. It;'s their problem, not mine.
— debmi
July 15, 2003
I have to agree with Steve. My best friend is heavy and we both have always
been until my WLS. We never really discussed it... I guess we are both not
focused on appearances as much as health and spirituality. Once I really
started to lose weight she never mentioned it. I was scared that I might
seem shallow for doing this, and she thought that, or she was jealous. But
now I realize that she has not changed at all. She still just wants me to
be healthy (she watched me nearly die 2 years ago) and happy. And doesn't
want to embarrass me with questions, etc. She is always great about chosing
restaurants that I can eat at (she is vegan, so it is twice as hard for us
to dine together!). I am so thankful that she was and is my best friend. I
think that if the friendship is so important, ASK HER! Why torture yourself
and assume.... you may be putting feelings on yourself that aren't even
there.
Hope this helps.
— kultgirl
July 15, 2003
I have a similar story. My best friend of 15 years who is about a size 14
was somewhat supportive until I had the surgery and then she became more
and more distant until it just became nothing. We went from talking on the
phone many times a day to nothing. It was difficult. I tried everything
to nuture the friendship but finally gave up. Being the type who
overanalyses EVERYTHING I thought about it and thought about it. This is
what I came up with. When I was obese we taked about all the attention she
got from men (she's single and very pretty). When I was no longer obese I
was able to join in and say things about attention I received from men (but
I'm happily married). It was awkward. So I decided to try and not say
anything about that. We also shopped for cute clothes for her and once I
wasn't obese I wanted us to shop for cute clothes for me. Again, it seemed
awkward. It was almost as though I was invading her space. She rarely
commented on my weight loss other than to weakly say "You look
great!" We never had a cross word or argument. She's not a bad
person. Like previous posters have said - it's her issue not mine. I miss
that sisterhood that we shared but I know that she still cares for me as I
still care for her. We've just changed or maybe I changed and she didn't.
Whatever the case, we simply can't find the bond anymore. Part of me
thinks I should just come right out and ask her "What's the
deal???" But another part of me would rather just let it go. I'd do
anything in the world for her and know in my heart she'd do anything for
me. I like to think of it as our friendship being dormant and having the
possibility of igniting again in the future. Who knows? WLS is an
evolutionary process and occasionally friendships are a casualty. Don't
beat yourself up. Your life will still be full and rewarding thanks to
your great success. Best wishes to you!
— ronascott
July 16, 2003
I had a similar situation w/ my "rotten in-law's" =0P. I hadn't
seen them in about 5 - 6 mos (I'm 9 mos post-op now) & just saw them
recently for my daughter's 4th b-day party. They've never been very
talkative people & are rarely complimentary. But I've lost 100 lbs now
& the only thing they could say was "did you cut your hair?".
I just about fell over. I never did tell them how much weight I've lost so
far cuz they never asked! But that's just them & the way they are. I
think it mainly boils down to jealously. My sister-in-law could probably
qualify for this surgery herself. I think some people in our lives just
can't stand to see others succeed!!! It's sad really. I'd talk to your
friend & ask her why she doesn't seem happier for you or even
congratulate you on your success once in a while. Anyway, big, happy
congrats from me to you on how far you've come so far!!!! Great job!!!
=0)
— j-bird333
July 16, 2003
Jamie...I can sorta relate to the in-law thing. My hubby is trying to lose
weight (or rather is mother WANTS him to try to lose weight so
<i>I'm</i> not the only one losing) and last night we went to
their house for dinner. Although I've only lost about 34#, it is very
noticable. They really have never commented and it's a bit discouraging.
BUT, Bill has lost about 10-15# and his mother just makes all over him
about it. She started clapping her hands like the mother in the movie
"The Clumps" (Hercules!! Hercules!!)LOL. I KNOW it's her son but
in a weird sort of way it makes me feel left out.
<br>
<br>
About the friend issue. I have a friend who has always been thinner than
me, and I sure hope things don't change when I'm thinner than she is. I
started seeing a slight difference when I started talking to her about
having surgery. She had no good stories to tell...only nightmere-ish
stories in which there was never a happy ending lol. Hang in
there....things will work out on their own.
— Jeralyn Merideth
July 16, 2003
I cannot offer advice as I am still pre-op, but I am expecting most people
I know to completely ignore my weight loss. When I gave birth to my son, I
dropped about 20lbs and the loss was very noticable. Yet certain people
went out of their way to ignore it or to make comments like "So and so
was back to her normal weight after having her baby...when will you
be?" or some crap like that. I am expecting the worst when I see this
certain person after loosing some serious weight. All I can say is...if
you are friends...talk to her about it. Is she overweight? Could she be
jealous? Or nervous you'll stop being her friend? Has she always been
"the pretty one" and you "the friend of the pretty
one"? I have a friend who is so terrified I'll be thinner then her
(she's already 100 lbs smaller than me!!) that she's starving herself NOW
and I haven't even had surgery.
— Renee B.
July 16, 2003
My relationship with my best friend is changing now too... I'm sad about
it. She was very supportive before the surgery and now, she just ignores
my weight loss for the most part. Over the years, she has gained a bit of
weight. She was always a size 6/8 and now is a size 16. Jokingly, she
blames some of it on me because during my pregnancies she ate with me a
lot. She misses eating with me. In the past, whenever we went
anywhere...some meal was involved, even if is wasn't planned. I'm just not
like that anymore..food is not my center point. I do not really talk about
my weight loss around her because I think it makes her feel badly. And, I
do not believe it is a conscience thing she is doing by ignoring it... I
believe she desperately wants things to be "normal" between us
again. However, her normal and my normal are not the same anymore. I am
talking her into doing an exercise class with me...perhaps (together) our
focus will change. I wish you luck with your friend... I know how badly
you must miss her sometimes.
— teresa M.
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