Question:
How do you stay sane when people are hurtful?

Hi everyone- I tried to post this question a few days ago, and now I realize I was not following the proper guidelines. I apologize for that, moderator (sorry I don't recall your name). What basically happened was that someone was rude to me in a restaraunt about my obesity and I confronted him. I think the moderator didn't like the abusive comment I made back to the person who was rude first. My question to you all is, how do you stay positive in a obesity hostile, one-size-fits-all world? I try to be a kind and considerate person(really, moderator :o), but I am human and can only take so much. For every 1 person I may confront, there may have been 25 that I ignored. One thing that has really helped me is to go thru the list of the before and after pics....my dream is to have mine posted there someday. But right now, that seems like a far off fantasy. Any answers appreciated. Thanks, Mea    — Mea A. (posted on May 31, 2003)

May 31, 2003
I don't know what was said to you but I know I've had to stand up for myself in the past. I'm not great with the comebacks because of my weight. I am a kind, considerate person but I am not a victim. The way to stay sane is to just feel confident in yourself. Don't let it affect your self-esteem. If you can look the other way that's best, but if you have to say something back, then you do. This is the real world, some people don't have empathy or manners and they say stupid things sometimes. It's whether we let ourselves feel bad that makes us the victim.
   — mrsmyranow

May 31, 2003
remember YOU have all the power when it comes to someone saying something upsetting. what they think of you doesn't matter. when someone says something rude or hurtful...they mostly want a response from you. next time try looking them in the eye (even close friends and family) don't say anything just have a sly secert smile and let them see and pause...then turn away. ( it will piss them off because they couldn't hurt you!) another good trick is to say " i can see how you would think that way" but say it in a sugar-sweet way....haha when i use it with my mother-in-law she doesn't know if i just agreed with her or told her she's being a bitch. letting others make you upset is giving them power. good luck
   — franbvan

May 31, 2003
There are always going to be rude, thoughtless people in this world. Fat is one of the last prejudices out there that is socially acceptable, sad to say. They key to your sanity with these people is to pick your battles. I use the approach....stop and think what you're saying....basically you're saying so-and-so is a bad person because they're fat. Does that mean they're stupid? Does that mean they're lazy? Does that mean they're worthy of you putting them down. If you do it in a calm, rational manner, you look like the good-guy avenger and the person you're addressing looks like the dork. It's never failed me. But there's always the one out there that nothing you say will change them. So pick your battles.
   — Cathy S.

June 1, 2003
This might sound stupid, but it has worked for me. When someone says something like that, I look at them, smile sweetly, look them up and down and say "Obisity is a disease that has a cure. Terminal rudeness and stupidity doens't", then walk off. Works about 99% of the time.
   — mellyhudel

June 1, 2003
Hi, Mea here-I've gotten a lot of e mails about this incident, all supportive and some wanting to know what was said. Thanks everyone, for your postings and e mails. I will respond to the e mails as soon as I can :o)
   — Mea A.

June 1, 2003
I am reading this late, but I have to respond. I have had hurtful things said to me all my life, but mostly as a child. Growing up my mother would say to me "honey, what they think of you doesn't matter, you are beautiful, so hold your head up!". That must have stuck, because I've been successful in my life and haven't let it keep me down. However, I heard Montel Williams say recently concerning the cruel comments people make about obese people. He said "who are you to think it's alright to kick someone when they are down and make someone's day worse than it already is?" I respect him highly for that, and may use it if and when the oportunity arrises. For myself, I may not say anything, but for someone else, I wouldn't hesitate.
   — Happy I.

June 1, 2003
Ahhh.... such is life. I went through this constantly, and after losing 205 lbs, I am STILL going through it! I weight 158 at 5'6" and am STILL considered FAT. So... all I do is say sweetly: Ignorance is Excusable, STUPIDITY ISN'T!! They can't figure it out for a while, and when they do... lol... I love to see them squirm! ROFL!
   — Sharon H.

June 2, 2003
Melloney, you said it the best! Love it! I also was almost at goal and had some IDIOT come up to me in a bar and ask "when I was due". She actually put her hand on my stomach! I gave her a look that should've put her 6 feet under and said, "I'm in a bar,DRINKING and you think I'm pregnant? Next time before you open your mouth, THINK Dumba**!!" At that time I was only 20lbs from goal too. I proceeded to go into the bathroom and have a good cry. I thought "Man, losing 120lbs STILL isn't enough!" Made ALL those old feelings came flooding back. Then it happend again, this time at the mall by a sales lady infront of my husband. Oh, he was MAD!! Needless to say, I made an appt with the Plastic Surgeon and now have had my TT, breastlift and brachioplasty. NOBODY will think I'm pregnant now! Take it with a grain of salt. There will always be idiots out there!
   — Kris T.