Question:
my husband betrayed my trust
i just moved to a new town and i don't know anyone here. my husband is working a new job with people i haven't met yet. i decided on having wls but not telling anyone except my husband, his mother and my mother. i feel this is a very personal choice and nobody else needs to know. my husband promised not to tell anyone. we decided when he had to ask his boss for a couple of days off when i have the wls, that he would just say it is female surgery. well.....like i said i don't know anyone here yet. one of the guys he works with has a wife in the same line of work as i am in and i wanted to call her and get some job info(i have never met her before or her husband). when we were at the end of our conversation she asked me when i wanted to start working. i told her i wasn't sure because i was having surgery. she said"ohh my husband told me about that!" i was floored!! i asked my husband why he told him and he said..well i only told him you were having a tt. and that his wife should think about having it done(but this is not true, i'm only having wls). he also told some other people at work. he said he didn't want to lie to them and that i shouldn't be mad at all. he said i should get over it. the way i feel is he should have only told his boss and then he should have only said it was personal. he promised not to tell anyone and now i feel betrayed. now something i have wanted to keep private has become public. we have been married 11 years and he has been faithful to me. but he ALWAYS tells people my private things that i don't wish anyone to know. he promises not too but always does. he thinks he has done nothing wrong. i am posting this and going to let him read your responses. please help me make him understand. — k K. (posted on February 28, 2003)
February 28, 2003
Well PRE OP I can understand your not telling because some folks will try
to scare you out of surgery. But you CANT hide a fast 100 pound loss.
People will suspect you have cancer, HIV or other dread disease. Better to
tell the truth than have folks gossipying about your impending demise. WLS
IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF! You should be PROUD of what your doing and
besides some needy MO brother or sister may hear of you and this can save
their life too!
Sorry I agree with your hubby, just try to be happy you making a great
choice to improve your life with WLS. Besides its better to not be known at
a new job as a liar. Bad way to start out. Sorry I know this isnt what you
wanted to hear.
— bob-haller
February 28, 2003
So your husband is a talker? I have a wife who does the same thing. I am a
lot more of a private person. But I'll tell you one thing I've learned. My
wife talks about anything that she likes, dislikes, is happy or sad about,
or that worries her. So in the standard posture of men sticking up for men,
in this case I would cut him a little slack. He is worried about you and
talking to others about it is his release. He may not even realize it.
Everyone will now tell me I'm wrong, but this is my two-cents, however
misguided. This is going to be a stressful time for both of you and you are
both going to grow a lot in the next year. He will need to make an effort
to keep this more private and you will need to give him some forgiveness
when he fails.
— Chris P.
February 28, 2003
You're entitled to your feelings especially if you specifically asked him
not to tell anyone. However if this happens all the time, it's more of a
couple issue than a "him" issue. I am also astounded that he
thinks he can tell some guy that you are having TT because he thinks the
other guy's wife needs it. Who is he to even think this about some man's
wife or to express it to ANYONE (even you)? Did you find anything wrong
with that? It sounds like there are some boundary things going on here not
just with you but with other people. However, WE can't make him
understand. If you have some boundary or communications issues in your
marriage, I don't think this board is where to resolve it. I will say that
the decision to tell others about WLS is a personal one and I have
specifically asked my husband not to tell anyone. I will tell whom I want
to when I want to and he has honored that request. Your decision to tell
or not to tell is yours and don't let anyone tell you that you need to tell
people or that it's no big deal if it is.
— susanje
February 28, 2003
I think your husband should shut his mouth. Sorry if that is too blunt,
but I can understand why you are so upset. You don't love someone and then
betray their trust in you the way he did. Unfortunately at this point,
there isn't anything you can do about it. I think it is absolutely your
right (and not his) to tell or not tell anyone. I am sorry that this
happened to you.
— garw
February 28, 2003
from kk, bob i don't think you read everything i wrote. i am not working he
is, i don't know anyone where i am now living he does, i want to decided
who i tell and who i don't. he promised not to tell and he did. not because
he HAD to...he just did.
— k K.
February 28, 2003
I know how you must feel, my DH blabbed his mouth on more than one
occassion about something I asked him to keep between the two of us. Live
and learn. I learned that sometimes you just can't tell people like all the
specifics <sp?>. In the case of wls I know that is something you have
to share with him, but since you know he is a talker and can't "hold
water" you will have to keep reminding him (for future) NOT TOO TELL
ANYONE!! and keep stressing it! I know it's a little embarassing now that
"outsiders" know, but don't stress over it. The "Silver
lining" ....more people will be aware of wls and will be in awe once
they see how much you're losing! It never hurts to have more support! =)
— Robin J.
February 28, 2003
Hi there. I am shocked to tell you the truth. I would be totally crushed
if my husband went and blabbed his mouth to people I begged him not too. I
feel that in a marriage, there should be a promise made, promise kept zone.
I think it is horrible that he let you down sooooo much! I know exactly
how you must feel. I told my hubby not to tell anyone either, and he has
NOT. If he had I probably would never feel safe telling him anything I
didnt want him to tell others about. I mean in a marriage things are
shared that are NOBODY else's business. If you asked him not to tell then
he really should have kept your confidence. If he felt he needed someone
to talk to about it because he is nervous or something like some other
poster proposed, then he should have come to you and talked about his need
for an outlet, and maybe TOGETHER you could have figured out someone you
both felt comfortable with him talking to. I am sorry that you have been
betrayed. I really am. I am so glad that MY husband can keep his word to
me. I never have to doubt it. Hope you two work this out.
— [Deactivated Member]
February 28, 2003
Sorry, But a lie is a lie. You tell one you have to tell another. Be proud
of what you are doing. If everyone else kept it a secret none of us wanting
to get surgery would be able to find out all this great info. Maybe this
sight would not be here.
Also I agree people will think you are sick losing so much weight so fast.
Then what,lie again???????
— Jane T.
February 28, 2003
hi hon, i can understand your feelings but i think your taking to hard. if
you do not feel comfortable with people knowing your business and you know
he is gonna spread the word, then dont tell him. I can understand where he
is coming from, he obviously respects your decision to have this surgery
and is not ashamed of it. He dosnt want to hide it by lying because when
it comes down to it, sooner or later, the truth will come out and then all
his co workers are gonna think differently of him if he had lied. I
personally would just get over it I am not trying to be mean just think
your over reacting. HOwever, I do agree you should be able to confide in
your husband but now you know how he feels about lying so if you dont want
the truth to be known then keep it to yourself...good luck
— Deanna Wise
February 28, 2003
kk, you need to let go of it! Bob is right, it's nothing to be ashamed of!
I really didn't want a lot of people to know about my surgery before I had
it. Everyone at work knew, though - I work for the insurance company and
they were very supportive! After I had surgery and had any appreciable
loss, I was telling anyone who would listen about my surgery! I've been
married 23 years and my DH has blabbed some personal stuff, but overall,
nobody really cares but you! I think you will find that more people are
interested than you would believe, and not from a gossipy stand point, but
because they are interested in it for themselves or someone they know. You
know how he is, so let it go! It sounds like he hurt your feelings by
talking. If he has apologized, forgive him and move on.
— koogy
February 28, 2003
I don't think kk is ashamed of anything. I think she feels betrayed. She
specifically ask her husband NOT to tell anyone, if in the future SHE
decided to tell everyone, that would be her decision, not his. It has
nothing to do with shame, and everything to do with trust. Personally, KK i
think you 2 should try some counseling, to find out why he decides to make
decisions for you. Just my 2c worth :-).
— KellyJeanB
February 28, 2003
KK: Girl, let this one go, you said yourself that your husband has never
betrayed your trust in all of your years of marriage. If this is a
betrayal of trust then something is not right!!! He could have done FAR
WORSE girl. You say you've been married 11 years and he has always been
faithful. This is not a question of faith but a question of well just that
he made a mistake. I say ease up on him, I think he just slipped up, I
don't think he was doing it on purpose. The thing you have to ask yourself
is not why you don't want to tell everyone in this small town. But what
you are going to tell them after you have had the surgery?? Are you going
to insist that your husband tell everyone that you have been on a
"diet"? I think you should just chalk this one up to a mistake
that he made and allow him to apologize but if he does it again....then I
would be mad.
— Heather S.
February 28, 2003
First: You have every right to be upset w/ your husband. He is your life
mate and partner. When you are married, you are a team and if part of the
team is working to win points on the other side of the line, than your not
getting very far in winning the race. He should keep his mouth shut! If
and when you decide to tell people; That should be your decision. Would he
like you to go around blabbing that he is impotent, even if it was the
truth??? I think that would not go well in the locker room at the gym, but
of course it would give you something to talk about at the ladies tea... I
am very open about having my surgery, (still pre-op), but that is because I
am a different type of person. There have been times that I wish some
people did not know...Anyway, the point is not that he told, but that you
asked him not to and he decided what was best. The only problem is that he
is not you: He has no idea what it is like to be in your shoes. You tell me
the last time he has taken estrogen? I would not tell him anything else
until he appoligizes to you and kisses your butt for atleast a week.
SECOND: This is for your hubby.... Ok, Dear HUsband: You need to work on
what format you are going to use for your I'm SORRY fest! Flowers are nice,
but you can be more creative than that. You have done a big no - no this
time. Your wife loves you and wants to trust you. Don't reuin the chance
for closeness w/ your wife to share her personal details. In the end...You
will only have eachother..
Good luck! God bless!
— Nickie C.
February 28, 2003
Chris Padar, I commend you for your honest answer and agree with you. I
also agree with the other poster who was surprised that your husband was
gutsy enough to suggest that another man's wife also have a TT. Give your
husband the benefit of the doubt. However, it does sound like you've been
stung in the past. Perhaps this episode will make DH a bit more careful
about which personal items he chooses to share. But a lot of men need to
bounce things off other people, just as we women do. The problem comes when
a guy tells his wife something he was told in confidence, then his wife
tells her friends...and so on. You do have every right to choose not to
tell. But honestly kk, with this surgery you will feel so much more support
if you are open. And more support means greater chances of long term
success. I am fortunate that my husband went to pre-op education class,
support group meetings and continues to educate himself about WLS. Since I
have no problem with him sharing my story, he does so often and proudly :)
Tell DH he can make this one up to you by attending some meetings with you
and educating himself. That way, at least if he shares info, he shares
accurate info. Good Luck to you. - Anna LAP RNY 7/3/02 --113lbs.
— Anna L.
March 1, 2003
I fully agree that you should have been able to decide who you told, but
what made you think he was going to change after 11 years. If this is his
standard mo then I would have assumed the worst. I do not think you are
going to change him at this point. It is too bad that he can't see that
this was a more major decision and it would have been best to let you
decide.
<p>I also slowly told people before surgery but by the time I left I
had only told 8 people at work and my family and close friends. I had
asked those 8 people not to say anything, but then again I had told them at
least a month in advance. However, the week before I left I sent out an
e-mail, to our division staff, indicating I would be off for a surgery. I
figured at that point if someone asked I would tell them. I also told the
8 people that knew that if other people asked they could tell them. I did
not intend to go around shouting it from the roof-tops but I also did not
intend to hide it - I was not ashamed but was not interested in any
opinions only support. I work at a large university with about 1400 staff
so I knew if I let it out early it would fly through the gossip network
faster than you could imagine. I am also pretty sure I am the first person
on campus to have this done. I had a lot of work to get done before I was
off and with all the pre-op medical stuff I just needed to be able to focus
on work those last few weeks.
<p>I think you just need to think before you tell your husband
personal things. Maybe if he finds out you aren't telling him things,
because he can't keep it to himself, then he will get the picture.
However, it is important for him to have someone to talk to about this
because it is scary, but one or two closer people should have been adequate
in my opinion.
<p>I asked my mom not to tell my brothers until I had insurance
approval. She honored this but did tell some of her close friends as she
needed to have people to talk to. It helped her so much because amazingly
almost all of them were aware of the surgery and were so supportive of my
decision. Mind you these are all people in their 70's and 80's. It made
her feel so much better about me taking this chance with a major surgery.
I do not consider her telling her friends a breach of my trust because
these are people who do not operate in my circles or would honor the
request not to tell my brothers if they ran into them. Chris
— zoedogcbr
March 1, 2003
from kk- thank you soooo much for responding. some of you seem to think i
am ashamed of wls, but i am not. i feel it is medical info, and that it is
private and my choice to tell. i did tell my mom, my husband and his
mother. i just moved here and i haven't met anyone he works with(he is
military)and i live in the country. noboday is going to ask why i have lost
weight because i don't know anyone. my husband wasn't trying to be honest
with the people he works with...he lied and said i was having a tt, but i
am not i am only having wls. he told 2 people he works with that i have
lost alot of weight and that is why i am having it done.ohhhhhh god. i am
supposed to go to his very last reenlistment but now there is noway i am
going because all those people will be there. i am sick and tired of weight
being an issue with myself. i don't want my first conversations with people
to be about wls. if i had an STD i wouldn't want the conversation to be
about that either(which i don't have). i think my post is more about a
broken trust and hurt than blabbing about wls. thanks again for all or your
posts ,support and advise. hugs kk
— k K.
March 1, 2003
KK~
I was in your same shoes. Last year, I decided to have the WLS after
months of research. I had shared everything with my husband and although
he had some fears, understood why I needed to do this for me. When I
finally secured a date, it became necessary for us both to make
arrangements for the time off. (We both are employed by the same company.)
My husband told his boss why he needed the time off in detail, rather than
just stating that I was having surgery. The very next day, his supervisor
approached me. He actually had the nerve to ask "Why in the world
would you want to do this? Why don't you just try Diet Pills?" I was
floored. Took a deep breath, looked him straight in the eyes and said,
"Bob, this is NONE of your business and I would appreciate it if you
would respect it as such. Incidentally, Diet Pills? Now why didn't I
think of that?!" I turned and walked away.
It gets better. Less than 24 hours after meeting with the Personnel
Director to arrange my medical leave, an upper management staff member came
to me to wish me luck on my WLS. Once again, I was floored. Apparently
the Personnel Director chose to discuss my medical leave with the other
Department Heads. Needless to say, I did go to the GM and the Personnel
Director was written up. (What a terrible thing to do ~ not to mention the
liability she created in doing so.)
My surgery was on Jan. 3, 2003. Since the surgery, I have had no
hesitation what-so-ever in discussing my WLS with whomever would like to
listen! I have shared just about every inch of my journey with co-workers,
peers & family. But the 'sharing' is my decision, not anyone elses.
Prior to my actual surgical date, it was my choice that this be
confidential ~ the journey to just reaching that date is a very personal
and private one. In my case, I did NOT want (or need) the ignorant
positions & opinions of others to interfere with my research &
decision making processes.
Stand your ground, stand firm in your decisions & wishes for
confidentiality. Remember the old saying about opinions: They're just like
a*sh*l*s. everone's got one!! BEST OF LUCK!! *HUGS*
— chelle3081
March 1, 2003
i have mixed feelings about your post. i feel by it like i do when i see
someone post "i have only lost 100 pounds in 6 months, why am i so
slow!!" or other such things. i'm so sorry you feel he betrayed you,
but at least you have some one to even want to be off work to be by your
side. yeshe probably should of been quiet about the reason, but he
obvisouly is worried about you and wants to talk about out wiht his friends
and co workers, at least he is working, and wants to be with you! i guess
for those of us who are going through this totally alone, due to death,
divorce or what ever maybe i am just a bit envious of the support.
— janetc00
March 1, 2003
My husband is usually very good at keeping personal things private, but he
did tell very many people about my gastric bypass - his clients, our
neighbors. I was really angry. Because he never told others our business, I
never specifically said 'don't tell anyone' until it was too late. I am not
embarrassed about the surgery, but I wouldn't share if I had my appendix or
wisdom teeth removed. It's personal. Hubby didn't really apologize but he
explained it that he's proud of me for taking initiative and for having the
courage to go through this. Ok, so I'm not so mad anymore. But also, I
actually got lots of support from his clients, most of whom I've never even
met: A pharmacist who made sure he had what I needed in the store. A lawyer
who helped me understand the laws regarding employment and my surgery.
Others who had friends who had WLS that I was able to ask questions of. For
me, it turned out OK. I hope you and your husband are able to work this
out.
— Yolanda J.
March 2, 2003
K.K., your marriage has a bigger problem than just this one incident and
you hit the nail on the head by saying that you were hurt, that he always
tells people your private things that you don't wantanyone to know, that he
promises not to but always does and that he doesn't think he has done
anything wrong. This man that you have been married to for 11 years does
NOT respect you. If he did, he would respect your privacy and not tell
people things that you did not want known. And the fact that he does not
think he has done anything wrong, well, herein lies the problem. I would
highly suggest that the two of you seek counseling. Until your husband
understands that marriages are a partnership built on mutual trust and
respect, which he seems to lack, then nothing will change for you. I feel
bad for you.
— Cindy R.
March 2, 2003
reality check time.
you wrote: >>we have been married 11 years and he has been faithful
to me. but he ALWAYS tells people my private things that i don't wish
anyone to know. he promises not too but always does.<<
this will probably seem harsh, but if you've been married 11 years and he
ALWAYS tells people stuff you don't want anyone to know, why are you
surprised? why did you think WLS would be any different from all the other
things?
>>he promised not to tell anyone and now i feel betrayed.<<
again, he never kept his promise before. why did you think this would be
different?
your husband has not changed this behavior, despite how much it hurts you.
that sucks, but it's reality.
i'm not defending your husband's behavior in the least. it makes me very
sad that a man who loves you continues with this hurtful behavior.
but that's reality.
as i see it, you can accept this unpleasant fact about him, or leave him
because of it, because he won't change.
again, sorry for sounding harsh.
Kasey Jones
— Kasey
March 3, 2003
I totally understand where you are coming from. Your husband DID betray
your trust. The only thing that matters here is that you said you did not
want him to tell anyone, yet not only did he tell people, he made up a lie
and made things worse. I have not had surgery yet, but will be having it
in the next few months. As of right now, the only person who knows besides
my Husband is my immediate supervisor. My own family doesn't even know. I
had a long talk with my Husband about this and why I wanted to keep it
private, first and foremost because it is nobody's business but mine. The
two of you are a team and you should be able to trust him and talk to him
about things without having to worry about who he will tell. I would be
very, very, very angry if I were you.
— Dawn P.
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