Question:
Any suggestions for calming a scared hubby?

Hi all. I need suggestions on helping my husband feel secure. The problem is this: Before I recieved my approval, he was very supportive, even discussed possible ways to pay for wls ourselves. You see, I recieved a "DENIAL" first. It wasn't until that "DENIAL" was REVERSED that he confessed to me that he really thought I would NOT get approved. I'm not upset by his "thinking", he's a wonderful man!! Always telling me how much he loves me, how sexy, hot, beautiful I am!! :o) I just want help with reassuring him that I am NOT going to leave him after the weightloss. That is his biggest fear. He worries too about the surgery itself, but he is more scared about me finding another man!! I try to tell him (jmo) that the marriages that end AFTER wls were not good marriages to begin with. That doesn't work. I've told him how much I love him, how great he is, how I couldn't imagine being w/out him. Nothing seems to comfort him. Any ideas??? Thanks for any and all responses. :o)    — Cat S. (posted on January 8, 2003)

January 8, 2003
Des he qualify for WLS? If so he is afraid your dragging him to the table too. Take a post op to dinner with your hubby. Preferentially a well adjusted happy couple. See and hear the story. See barb Thompsons book it has a hapter to the SO.
   — bob-haller

January 8, 2003
I found a website for my husband to look at with a letter from a husband regarding his wife's decision to have the procedure. I think it would be a good idea to have him read this. If a marriage is good to start with it should be great afterwards. He loves you therefore should want your true happiness/health. That is true love. As far as him worrying about you finding somebody else when you are thin: That seems to be a deeper problem don't you believe? He should stand next to you and as other men notice you smile and nod his head as if to say: She's hot ain't she, and she's mine to touch. Perhaps he needs to have more self esteem, for if he has a problem with esteem that usually triggers a person to feel like they aren't "good" enough to hold onto or deserve somebody. I've been looking at Victoria Secret and telling my hubby what I plan to wear this summer. He seems pretty excited that he will be looking at me in such outfits. Much better than a book I'd say. To your hubby: Don't think a moment about losing your wife. It has nothing to do with why she's having this surgery, trust me. If other men notice her and they probably will (men all do that dont they?), you need to be proud that your wife is so beautiful and shares your last name. Another thing, I believe that if men don't notice us now even if we are overweight than to he-- with them after we lose it. The man (our hubbies)that noticed and loved us heavy and thin is the real love in our lives.
   — Wendy K.

January 8, 2003
Barbara Thompson has a book you can buy here on this website, I believe, or even on Amazon. She has a whole section devoted to significant others. You may wanna pick that book up for him. As far as his insecurities about you leaving him, therapy!! I don't mean to sound harsh, not in the least bit, so if it comes out that way, I apologize. I think a good couples therapy would really help. I'm not a therapist, but your husband is insecure with you becoming a thin woman. I think therapy would really help. I strongly believe that they should have a support group for our husbands and wives, who don't need WLS. My husband could run the group! Best of luck to you sweetie!!
   — Heather B.

January 8, 2003
I guess it will help to include that website for your husband. It is www.wlscenter.com/Significant_Others.htm Good Luck, give him lots of love and reassurance! Take Care.
   — Wendy K.

January 8, 2003
Remind him that you know he's the one that loves you for who you are, not for how you look! Before I lost the weight I said to my husband that I knew he loved me no matter what, and any guy that paid attention to me later could hit the road since I know he wouldn't have given me the time of day before. I really do feel that way. It ticks me off when men hit on me (isn't that perverse?) because I keep thinking "You wouldn't have even acknowledged I was alive a year ago... so now all of a sudden I'm WORTHY?????? I DON'T THINK SO!" ;-).
   — mom2jtx3

January 8, 2003
BTW-He's not obese. He's 5'9" & about 195 lbs. THANKS SO MUCH to all of you. I will try evrything that was suggested. And good luck to you too, Diane!!
   — Cat S.

January 9, 2003
I totally understand your question. I had open RNY 12-11-02. For me personally your husband sounds just like mine. Sorry to tell you this but I did everything I could. I never was able to show my fear up to the end while going into surgery. He was bad enough for the both of us...lol. But the good news is the day he brought me home and catered after me with all that love was the day I really looked at my life and fell in love all over again. I am down 45lbs in 4 weeks and have had more and better sex than I ever had. (sorry to be so graphic) I know his fears scare you but stay strong and be objective. Know in your heart it is the right thing and it will be fine. I hope this helps and if you need to email me I will be there for you. God Bless
   — PAM S.

January 9, 2003
Hey Cat! I think we are married to the same guy! My husband too, is constantly telling me how gorgeous I am and how he loves me the way I am. He was nervous about the surgery too, but never confessed it until after the surgery was over. I am told that the husbands reactions are very normal and even expected. It sounds that you are doing all that you can possibly do for him. My husband would be willing to talk to him if you'd like. Do you have anyone in your area whos husband could help? Good Luck!
   — Dina P.