Question:
I need help from all of the spouses out there!

Hi all. Usually my posts are upbeat and happy, but tonight I don't think this one will be. Here's the story. I'm 9 days post-op and have been hungry, and I do mean HUNGRY, the entire time. My husband, who initially thought surgery wasn't a good idea, came around to see and accept that having this surgery was my best, and truly ONLY, option at this point. Now to backtrack... We have always had a great physical relationship. He has never had a problem with my weight. He is in the military so he has to be in shape. His only concern was about my future health, but he NEVER pushed the issue. He's always told me that he thinks I'm beautiful and how much he loves me. In short, he has been the perfect husband when it comes to my being overweight. Once he agreed with me about the surgery, he was always very supportive --- VERBALLY. By this I mean that he has never actually done any research on Gastric Bypass and the life after. He does not initiate conversations with me about the surgery. The closest he came was when he asked me, "Can you eat that?" (I don't remember what THAT was now.) Yes, he did ask me if I was "ok" during the first few days home, but I got to the point where I felt like if I said "yes" that he would say "great!" and go do something else; and if I would say "no" he would want to find the 5-minute fix for whatever was bothering or hurting me. I've told him before, I don't want him to FIX it; I just want him to LISTEN. I want him to CARE. I want him to GET INVOLVED. I feel that he's not involved in what's going on with me other than superficially. Case in point - tonight we went shopping. We had agreed before the surgery that there wouldn't be any more junk food in the house (he has a sweet tooth). As we checked out, I noticed the package of peanut butter & chocolate Oreos (a pre-op fav) being slid onto the conveyor belt. I felt betrayed. I was upset. Was I wrong to feel this way? Is it normal to want to cry over FOOD??? We've talked about these things, and honestly I don't know what to tell him when he asks how to actually "get involved". Sit down and eat 1/4 cup of food with me for each meal? That's not fair, I know. Eat in the garage? Also not fair. Do some homework on this whole GBS thing? Yes, that would help. PLEASE, any spouses out there with any ideas that I can pass along to my husband to help him get involved so that I don't feel like I'm going at this alone, tell me what you did! I'm sorry to be so long-winded, but it's a complicated, emotional thing. Thanks so much :). SuzAnne in Utah    — SuzAnne S. (posted on January 6, 2003)

January 5, 2003
I had WLS July 11, 2002 and have lost 95 pounds. My husband is also in the military (Army 15 years). He is a snack food junkie and I have given up on not having junk food in the house. I told him I do not want to see it, smell it or have it near me so he hides it out in the basement like I am not going to know it is there? My husband also did not research WLS or talk about what was going on with me. Now that I have lost weight...he wants to talk about it all the time! Please give your husband time to get use to the new you and routine. I also cried over food. It is natural. If you ever want to e-mail me I am a great listener. Hugs. Kim
   — Kimberly V.

January 5, 2003
Hi SuzAnne, I am preop and don't really have an answer for you but I know I will be in the exact same boat as you. My husband knows quite a bit about the wls procedure. However, he doesn't have a clue what the psychological and emotional effects of wls will be on ME. I know that there will be some extremely difficult times for me while I adjust to new eating habits, and learn to live with deprivation and food withdrawl. I know he will buy cookies and just say to me "don't eat them. I'm not going to deprive myself just because you can't eat cookies any more.Walk away from them." There may be fights, yelling and crying on my part. We can try to prepare but there is no way we can know for sure how our spouses will react to such changes in OUR life. I look forward to reading the replies/answers to your dilema. WLS can be a very lonely journey if your partner is not on board. Good luck and hang in there. Mary Ann T. in Windsor, Ontario, Canada
   — mary ann T.

January 6, 2003
As you start to have sucess with this, and you will, he may get more excited with you. Even though he loves you no matter what, there is something very exciting about finding ribs and bones he never remembered you having. As you have to start clothes shopping because your butt won't hold your jeans up anymore, and yes that will happen too, Have him come along and "consult" on the clothes. This is something we've had fun with. Very out of character for my husband but he seems to like it. In regard to the bringing in the junk food part. Good luck. I haven't got a clue and it's a problem at our house too. I get all offended and perinoid (sp?) that he's trying to undermine my sucess. Why I would think something like that I have no clue but there it is. Now that I am around the five month mark things are much better because I am eating a much more "normal" diet. It's as foreign to them as it is to us. We did the research first now they are getting a close up and personal lesson daily on the things that it would have been nice if they researched before hand. When I was throwing up twice a day my husband decided that it was time to do some research for himself because he was scared something was wrong. He now spends alot of time on this site too just looking for tips on things I can try. Two pairs of eyes have been good. His research has gotten some different results because he is also coming at this from a whole different perspective. OK I'll stop blathering on Good Luck to you. Penny 5'4" (slow loser but loosing none the less) LAP RNY 07/31/02 -65lbs
   — pcollin4

January 6, 2003
Suzanne, you can't force your hubby to provide you with empathy. He does care but in his own way. I know as my hubby is that way. Never having had a weight problem, due to his obsessive discipline, my hubby was not as nice to me as your hubby was to you when I was fat. He reluctantly supported the surgery, being a believer in "if I got up off my fat ass and exercised and quit the junk food, I would look like him..." and didn't do a whit of research of even read the articles I printed for him to read. I resigned myself to taking solace by coming here to this Board and to my support groups for the most supportive and understand people out there and just accepting that that is the way hubby is. After all, it is you who are going thru this, not him. As to crying over food, your hormones are going to go nuts for a few months due to rapid weight loss and you can either make your husband's life miserable (which will also make yours miserable too) or learn to find your support elsewhere. As for his junkfood, you can't expect him to change his eating habits just because you are changing yours. How fair is that? If he is asking how to help, try downloading some short articles for him or printing out some these Q & A's for him to read. My husband, who is an avid body builder finally found a way he could help me-I have my own personal trainer! And trust me, it does get better..as soon as those hormones calm down and the weight starts flying off, and you can eat normal again, you'll be feeling much better...
   — Cindy R.

January 6, 2003
Hi. I'm the original poster. I just have to say in my defense that I never outlawed snacks in the house. I am a firm believer that growing kids need snacks. However, I AM outlawing things like Oreos, HoHo, Cheetos, worthless snacks like that. We have replaced them with fruit, cheese, rice & popcorn snacks (which are actually really good and the kids love them), and other more healthy snacks. The kids don't have any problems with this at all. And while I understand that my husband is going to feed that sweet tooth of his, I didn't think it was too much to ask that he at least keep the junk food elsewhere. He has a whole room all to himself where he builds computers. He can keep his junk in there. Maybe I'm just being emotional and overreacting, but it sure would be nice to feel like I wasn't the only one in my marriage that is going through this (and YES, I KNOW I'm the one who has to lose the weight and he isn't. Please no lectures about that to me.) Thanks AMOS people. Good luck to all of you. SuzAnne in Utah
   — SuzAnne S.

January 6, 2003
First of all, let me say that I love my husband very much. That said, the man doesn't know JACK about my surgery. I asked him to read a few things, and told him things, but this was for ME. I don't care if he doesn't know. Honestly! I expect him to support me when I need it, and he does, in his way. I get WAY more support from my best friend. He's just not GOOD at it. He's better at keeping the house semi-clean when I'm too tired to do it, and getting the kids to bed, things like that. I'm in this thing alone. I have to take care of myself, and thank GOD I've become a strong enough person to do that. Now, when I NEED him, I TELL him. Otherwise, I can't expect him to do what I need. If I didn't tell him what I needed, I'd be disappointed ALL the time, and PISSED all the time, not to mention hurt all the time. So... you take care of you. It seems as if your husband cares, he just wants things to be fixed, so he can move on. Women don't work that way, and it's a rare man that understands that. Do you have a best girlfriend you can call? You can email me ANYTIME! I'm here. :) Take care, Diana
   — Diana L.

January 7, 2003
well I did outlaw some snacks in my house...trigger snacks. The snacks that I'd crave and die over. Mostly anything chocolate. Fortunately my hubby likes nuts (which I can enjoy too), crackers (which I could care less about for the most part), cheese, jerky, summer sausage, veggies in dip, popcorn with parmesan cheese on it, and pretzels (which I hate)...so he and kids get their snacks and if they want chocolate they go to grandmas for that rare occasional treat. I wish you're hubby were more supportive. It's hard when they don't really "get" it. I don't get it that my hubby NEEDS to eat certain foods to keep from going under his 170 pounds (he's 6'3 and a bean pole), but I do try. I admit though, I've never researched the things that would be best for him to gain/maintain weight for his needs...so I can understand him not being too interested in my needs in this aspect. Just put your foot down and explain PLAINLY that you NEED for him to do this...whether he gets it or not, isn't the point. Just that he believes you, believes IN you and is willing to help because he loves you. I hope he listens!
   — [Deactivated Member]