Question:
How do I stop being so self destructive???

I'm 21 months post op and down about 125 pounds(320-190ish.) I've always taken great pride in being big and bawdy and flirty. Now that I'm a more "normal" weight, when I go out to clubs or bars, several men now give me attention that I dreamed about getting when I was heavier-especially after so many years of watching my thinner friends get it for so long, it feels so... powerful, you know? The problem is that now it seems that I'm almost addicted to getting the attention and getting hit on and flirted with. In fact my NEED for this kind of attention has over the past two months gotten me in several positions where -to put it delicately- a (otherwise happily) married woman should not be. I'm completely guilt-ridden and ashamed afterward and promise that I will control myself "next time" but it's like I'm "bingeing" on the attention. When I decide to stay home and not go out, I revert to my old eating habits, bingeing on junk. I've been married for 10 years and my husband is a great guy who has loved me throughout. He knows I'm a flirt and has no problem with other men finding me attractive and flirting back, (though he has no idea about the other stuff) but it's gotten to a point where I feel like I prefer the outside attention to his - which is beginning to scare the hell out of me. I've been recently diagnosed as depressed and am currently taking Paxil CR and going to a shrink to get to the root of this, but this self- destructive behavior is just killing me in the meantime. Has anyone else gone through this? I'm so ashamed of myself - It's like I have to "feed" on something, attention, food, whatever. Can I stop this hateful behavior? PLEASE help me family, I normally don't post unless I'm desperate, and trust me, I AM. Thanks for listening.    — 5yrsout (posted on December 18, 2002)

December 18, 2002
Noelle, (love your name by the way) what you are going through is normal. I am also a happily married woman and I have started paying better attention to my appearance since I've lost 125 lbs. I get more looks and I also started flirting quite a bit online to the point where I felt myself becoming addicted to the attention I was getting. It is directly related to this attention being something so new and exciting. I understand how excited I felt when I 1st met my husband and even though I love him dearly even after just 5 years that excitement has quelled quite a bit. So meeting someone new and getting that attention naturally is an immediate adrenaline rush. I had to stop myself cold turkey, becuase I had not gone beyond the point of talking to a couple of people online, I was very tempted to meet them in person. It has been rough to let go of that, but I have. Now I will never stop appreciating a complementary smile or gentlemanly gesture from members of the opposite sex. I guess you just have to look at your own situation and if you really dont want this to affect your marriage you will find the strength from within to let go. Good luck to you.
   — SARose61

December 18, 2002
I wonder sometimes if this surgery allows us to break thru that fat layer and actually DEAL with some of that stuff we've been hiding for so long. Sounds to me like you are smart: You see that what you're doing is likely a substitute for the eating. Unfortunately, there's no substitute for slogging thru all the psychological issues we have. We can't use food anymore so you can either find a way to deal with the issues you have or find a food substitute to continue to avoid dealing with them. I don't have any real advice for you other than to tell you that I agree with you: If you THINK there's a problem, there probably is. I sincerely wish you the best in uncovering the cause of it and dealing with it. Best of luck to you and I'll be sending positive thoughts your way!
   — ctyst

December 18, 2002
Noelle - Thank you for your post. I feel better knowing I am not the only one in this boat. I am different, in that I am single, but the behavior is the same. For such a long time, all I wanted was a man of my own...someone I could get serious and begin to build a future with. I have dated a few guys lately who were really good men and liked me...really, really liked me. But I wouldn't allow any of the relationships to go any further. And then one day a few weeks ago I decided that I had changed my mind. I no longer wanted a man...why? Well, it's becasue I am so addicted to the attention that I get when I go out. I am having too much fun. I am also a natural flirt, very pretty, well dressed and very comfortable with myself. I can't go into a bar...hell, I can't go into a subway car without someone making eyes at me or outright coming up to me to come on to me. It is a very empowering feeling. I actually get a rush out of it. Don't know why. I know it's not good. It actually feels wrong to all of a sudden change my perspective like this...but I can't help it. I have been having a hard time with other comupulsions lately and I am pretty sure it had to do with replacing my food obsession. I am beginning to work on it, to control myself. Becasue if I realize one thing it's this - if I stay on this path, I will likely end up a very sad, lonely woman. I don't know how to help you - yet. But if I find a way, I will let you know. Best Wishes to you.
   — PaulaM

December 18, 2002
Noelle, Hi there thought I would pop on in, Girl I'm in the same boat, after loosing only 100 pounds, I crave for the attention, My husband of 7 years doesn't see a difference, How-ever I crave not only for his attention but that of other men as well. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband more then you know and would never do anything that would put me in jepordy, but like you I do feel guilty for wanting this extra attention...... I find myself wanting to go out and dance, With or without friends, I'm young 28, My husbands not even into the dancing thing, I have yet to go by myself, as I know I would feel to guilty.... Noelle, we are all human, just recently we went to a christmas party, needless to say I let my gaurd down and with only 1 drink of light wine, I was toasted and to the curb, I found myself flirting with everyone more then you know......(harmless but guilty) What's really bad is that it was the people from my husbands work, (His co-workers) ... His main concern for the evening was making sure that I made it home in one peice. I felt so guilty afterwards, awaking to my husband holding me in his arms, that I vow never to do that again.... But the attention thing it's sitting in the back of my mind, you are so right about it..... I try to keep it in check, and keep saying to myself I have the best husband ever ! He's gorgous sort of looks like a Kevin Costner type,He treats me like a princess, and stands behind me threw everything, what else in the world could ever make me more happier.. Hang in there as I will do the same... this too shall pass, guess we've never had the attention before and it can become addictive. Hang in there.. Post op 6 months down 100 pounds (40 more pounds till goal)
   — tannedtigress

December 18, 2002
I BELIEVE that Paxil CR is a time-released medication that will not work for you. If anything, i would go on regular paxil. Our stomachs do not benefit from any kind of medication that is time-released I have read. I would check into that. Just an observation :)
   — robinleigh

December 18, 2002
RUN, do not walk, to the nearest counselor! Psychiatrist's are important as far as medication regulation but they are not counselor's, nor do they have the time. As you indicated this is a very destructive behavior. While it is somewhat understandable due to you now being comfortable with your body and the end result of all your efforts, it is getting way out of hand in my opinion. You need to decide do you want to be married. Does you hubby deserve this? You need to also get counseling with him. He is very likely having a hard time adjusting to the new you. While he probably thinks you look smashing he is probably also worried he will lose you to some other guy. Let him know that you need him to want you and give you attention. You need to learn to re-build your life together, assuming you want it. Even if you do not want to continue your marriage, this behavior will likely blow up in your face at some point, and how will you deal with it - FOOD? I truly believe a counselor can help you work through all of your feelings. My surgeon said the biggest side effect of WLS is divorce! Good Luck!
   — zoedogcbr

December 18, 2002
After reading your post, I thought to myself ...that was me...at one time..I will tell you my story..I am an approval Addict...(as well as one with an eating disorder). The approval addiction is a real addiction for me, and once I understood where it came from...I was able to "give to me" what I really needed, not the "outside" approval from other men. This addiction is just like alcohol, sugar, drugs, etc...you can never get enough of the "outside" fixes.. ie men's attentation. Because it only give that tempory sensation of relief... that is why I kept going back for more..and more... and more...I was willing to risk everything just to get this need met.. or so I had told myself...or I would lie to myself..and say it did not "mean" anything...its just a little harmless flirting... Well for me it was harmful.. Harmful to ME... I was selling myself out...giving myself toilet water when I diserved perfume...(to use an anology). I found my answers in a group call Codependents anonymonus. If you are interested in what I to have found, Look there.. It is not hard to find what you are really looking for.. Rachel Recovering Approval Addict.
   — Rachel D.

December 19, 2002
Hi, have you ever heard of Borderline Personality Disorder? If you haven't, I would look it up on the web. I have been diagnosed with BPD, and it sounds like you have a lot of the symptoms. Good luck to you! :o)
   — fropunka