Question:
Friend having WLS

Hi Everyone: Please help! I have a friend who is scheduled for WLS in 2 weeks. She was referred to me by a friend of my husband's. I always thought I would be an excellent mentor, having been through WLS. I am now three months postop. However, my new friend does not have the internet, so I cannot refer her to this site. She is a wonderful person, but is in such complete denial about the restrictions afterwards, and the possible complications, that I feel I cannot be completely honest with her. She has another friend who is 3 weeks postop who had open rny, with infection in the incision, etc. This person told my friend that she has nausea, difficulty with eating postop, and is basically sorry she every underwent WLS. Well, my friend was so upset by this and is constantly crying, etc. When I told her I would have said the same thing at 3 weeks postop, she said but you look great, you are doing so good, etc., etc. She also started crying when I told her the postop diet was difficult. Has anyone else had this problem? While I sympathize so much, knowing how I felt right before surgery, I don't think I can handle this. She asks me questions like, "Do you think I will have complications, will I be as relaxed as you, will I be able to handle the eating restrictions, etc., etc. My daughter said, "Mom, you tried honesty, now just tell her she will manage like so many others before her". I remember so many people telling me what a breeze it was, only to discover that I had a rough time. At only 3 months out, I cannot answer all questions. My friend thinks that after surgery you eat whatever you want, just in smaller portions. All of us postops know that is not the case. Do some people really not want to know the negative at all? I keep telling her that her personal experience may be quite different than mine or her other friend. She wants reassurances that no complications will happen, even from her doctor. When she asked if I was worried before surgery, I told her I was afraid I was going to die. She definitely did not want to hear that. Please help. I feel so bad, but unable to make her happy with her decision. Love Grace    — Grace H. (posted on December 1, 2002)

November 30, 2002
There isn't really anything you can do. You have told her what can happen, both the good and the bad. It is her decision now. No one, including her doctor, can guarantee that she will not have post-op problems. I expected to sail right through my surgery. I didn't. You can look at my profile to see what happened to me. However, many, many people do sail right through and have few, if any, problems. She will have to make this decision herself. All you can do is support her no matter what she decides.
   — garw

November 30, 2002
What else can you do? You laid it out there and it is up to her to accept it. I don't know of anyone who was happy at 3 weeks out, but at 6 weeks most of us feel normal again. Her body will tell her real quick what she can and can't eat. I am surprised she passed her phych exam with all these issues. Don't worry about it. Do the best you can and step back. Good luck, you are a fine person.
   — Pam G.

December 1, 2002
First of all you are doing all you can and if she won't listen or believe you there isn't anything you can do to make her.<p>Assuming she lives somewhere within driving distance of a library, suggest she go there and give her the address etc. Better yet if you have the time, take her there the first time. I'm pretty sure all libraries have computers now and typically will allow you 1 hr access at a time or longer if no one is waiting.<p>If the library idea doesn't work all I can suggest is buy a ream of paper and some extra ink and print out lots of stuff about life after the surgery. It is the piece that I am most concerned about but am getting a better feel for it reading everything here and on the grad page. Hopefully if you turn her onto the library option she will take it from there. If not, then in my opinion she should not be having surgery. While I am scared of what life will be, I am doing my best to learn and understand and get comfortable with it. I won't truly know until afterwards and figure out what I can and cannot eat, but at least my eyes are open going in.<p>You are a great person to try, but do not beat yourself up if things do not work out for her! You can only control YOU!!
   — zoedogcbr

December 1, 2002
I would suggest that your friend purchase barbara thompson wls book. My mom read it from cover to cover and it has helped her sooo much.
   — paulsgirl

December 1, 2002
Eating normal food, but smaller portions - that is the only thing that made me upset when I watched the stuff on Al Roker. When he went to that restaurant with that other reporter and ordered a steak and french fries. UGH! The consequences of that show is shown in what your friend is thinking. I give Kudos to Al for coming out, but I wish he would have thought twice before telling the world that RNY patients can eat anything. I'm pre-op and I know better because I've been addicted to this site, but for those that don't have the internet or refuse to do research, they probably have the wrong idea. I agree with your daughter, please tell your friend the truth. If that doesn't work, make some printouts of examples of this site to show her that what she's thinking isn't right.
   — Toni C.

December 1, 2002
Are there any support groups that she could attend in the next two weeks? That may be a good place to get a variety of experiences. I also think the earlier post about printing out things from this site or maybe even offer to let her come to your house one evening and check out the sit for herself. Also, see if any libraries in your area have the internet available for use. She maybe able to do some of her own research there. Good Luck and congratulations on the beginning of your new life.
   — Rhonda P.

December 1, 2002
Hi Everyone: I am the original poster. You guys are great. I feel so much better, after reading all of your suggestions. I actually lent her Barbara Thompson's book to read. Thank you all again. Your suggestions were excellent. Love Grace
   — Grace H.