Question:
I'm relunctant to discuss WLS with my Parents
I'm not a child, I'm 42! Both my Mom & Dad are 75. I have chosen to live close to them. Usually they are very supportive. In July I brought the subject up of WLS to my Mom. She wasn't very supportive. My bmi is 38, my brother's is 52. I dropped the subject and I've never brought it to her since, she was facing heart surgery. We live in close proximity. My family is usally very supportive, a few years back I broke both my ankles at the same time, my Dad was there for me in recovery and had my daughter and myself stay with them, they were wonderful. I realize I don't have to discuss it with them "now. At this point I am not scheduled to see the Dr until January, and they are scheduling surgery dates 6-8 wks following consult. I thought of just telling them I would be having abdominal surgery.. but knowing them they'd want all the specifics and look it up in their little Medical encyclopedia- I'm sure my Dad would want to drive me down there and ask the surgeon alot of questions afterwards. I suppose I'm being stupid at not wanting to tell them but I honestly don't want to. I feel I'm being forced to because of the regular closeness we share and proximity. I know, I know I'm an adult.. any suggestions? I thought of just going to the hospital when the day comes and taking a cab back home on release.. but I have a 14 yr old daughter also.. I suppose the reasonable thing to do is tell them.. I'm sorry, I feel so stupid over this.. — cheri123 (posted on October 7, 2002)
October 6, 2002
My parents are both supporative to me having this surgery. My mother is
heavy and doesn't want me to go through with what she has gone through all
of her life. After my surgery I will be going back to my parents house
until I am able to go home.
— Lana Rush
October 6, 2002
Taffy, first no reason to be feeling stupid about this issue. I think
your concern simply reflects your desire not to worry you parents which is
admirable. I, too, was concerned about not wanting to worry my parents.
My father was 71 when I set my appt for my first consult. He had just be
diagnosed with colon cancer. My mother had enough on her mind and so I
didn't tell either of them in the beginning. I told my sisters and my
brother, but not my parents. Figured I wouldn't worry them with it until
it was something I'd decided on and was dedicated to 100%. My BMI was a 39
and I had to put on a few pounds in order to get the insurance's stamp of
approval. I was eating everything in sight in order to do so. I didn't
live near my parents at the time, but was visiting to be with my father
(who was by then undergoing chemo). As I ate everything in sight, my
sisters encouraged me to tell my mom...since they were concerned that she'd
think I was eating due to the stress of my father's situation. My sisters
were the ones who really helped me...they told my mom that it was a
procedure performed somewhat like a gallbladder surgery (laproscopic) and
that it would just be a few days in the hospital and that my OVERALL HEALTH
would be greatly improved as a result of having had the surgery. And when
it was put THAT way, my mom really took to it. She was excited for me and
happy that I would be taking care of myself... I never did tell my father.
I figured that had enough of a battle on his hands and didn't need to
worry about anything else. He died in July. I'm not sorry I didn't tell
him...I figure he's watching everything now--and knows that my health and
life will have more quality. My mom is happy that I'm happy and that I
will probably live a happier, more healthy life. I had a friend that told
me that parents want nothing more than their children to be healthy and
happy .... and think she was right. All the best to you. I hope this
helps. (....I'm six days post-op, LAP RNY and doing great!)
— Karen K.
October 6, 2002
You're are not being stupid, just apprehensive, and for good reason. We
all want our parents to support our decisions good and bad. I think that
if you have done all the research you can and are totally knowledgeable
about the procedure, it might help ease their concerns when breaking the
news. I gave my mother a book on WLS that was very easy to read and that
seemed to ease her mind about it. I don't know if this would be the answer
but it wouldn't hurt to make sure you have a "positive" answer to
all of their possible "negative" questions. Like the previous
post stated, in the end all they want is for you to be happy. Good luck...
— Janine L.
October 6, 2002
My mom was COMPLETELY against the surgery. Even after my surgery, she
proceeded to give the surgeon an ear full as to why this was
"stupid" and I should "just push myself away from the
table". I finally told her that I didn't want to hear anything more
negative about this and if it was so easy to push myself away from the
table then it should be just as easy for her to do it (she's 100 pounds
overweight too). That quieted her down. I finally figured out that she
was only afraid that I was going to die on the operating table and it would
leave her alone. That's what scared her. Now, 11 months post-op, she's
fine with my surgery. It didn't even phase her when I had my tt. This
time she knew I'd be ok. Just remember, they are your parents and there
concern is for your health and safety - no matter how old you are.
— Patty H.
October 6, 2002
My mom was completely against the surgery before I had it. I told her that
I was having it done and I would love her to be there for me for emotional
support. But if she couldn't do that without comments about the surgery
then I would do it without her. I am now 4 1/2 months post op down 92
pounds. I have gone from a size 24 to an 8. Now my mom thinks it was the
best thing I ever did. She sees the difference not only in my weight but
how happy and energetic I am now.
— Linda A.
October 6, 2002
Well, you have a choice...to tell them or not to tell them. You could just
say you were going out of town to visit a friend for a week or two and then
have the surgery. You could always tell them after the fact. I was
fortunate in that my parents live out of town. I knew I was going to go to
their 50th anniversary party, 3 months post-op, so I waited till then, and
50 pounds lighter, to tell them. By that time they could see the results
and see how happy I was. I, too, did not want to tell them in advance
(both my parents are normal weight) and open myself up to their doubts
and/or criticisms. If you decide to tell them, give them one of the books
on WLS out there so that they can read up on it, or direct them to this
site and the hundreds of before and after pictures to peruse. If they
start objecting, cut them off, and say that you have made up your mind and
if they can't support you or be positive, then let's not discuss it at all.
Tell them you are doing this so that you will be around to see your
grandchildren. I think you are a brave person and a great example for
your daughter .
— Cindy R.
October 6, 2002
my folks were totally deadset against it, tried to get their neighbors and
friends opinions about how bad risk to have the suregery done was...
problem was, i wasn't listening, i was totally for it, they did not support
up until i went in for surgery, after i came out, and results came in,
losing the weight, which was really more important to me than anything in
the world, they have re-evaluated the whole situation, know they think they
know more then me. my advice is to: 1. don't talk about the surgery, the
tests, the hospital, losing weight, nothing, ... 2. remember, it's what you
want to do, it's more important than anybody's concern. 3. don't mention it
to co workers or friends, they have nothing good to say either, i still
battle it out with a gal here, who, by the way is on weightwatchers,
unsuccessfully, and even after i've lost 38 fricking lbs, she still has the
nerve to talk about her friends that lose weight by just not eating, for
example, sugar,!!! imagine that, there is not diet in the world that works
for us! you just need to get on with your life, and not talk about it with
your parents. they'll turn around, you'll see.! good luck
— deb F.
October 7, 2002
For me.. I really didn't tell my family until I had a surgery date. I
presented the information to my Mother as a done deal...I was not seeking
approval or even her support. I knew, and you probably do too, that I
would move forward with or without her approval and that it was important
for ME, not for her, but for ME to do this. Fortunately, it all went over
find for me... my father is dead so I only had one hurdle to get over. I
did tell my Mother I would answer any questions, would give her any
information that she wants.. and then I sent her Carney Wilson's book. I
would move forward and don't bring it up again... rely on as many other
people as possible to help you... are there friends? what about your
brother, will he help you? Two or Three weeks before your surgery date,
let them know what is happening. It is your life... and in some ways, its
best to show your daughter that you take responsibility and charge of your
own health. Good luck...
— Lisa C.
October 7, 2002
My family had made some cruel, terrible comments about my weight over the
years. So I decided not to tell them about my surgery. 2-3 weeks post-op,
I called and told my sister. I hung up the phone with my sister and then
called and told my mother. After my father returned home from out of the
country, I also told him. All were surprisingly supportive. I was shocked
at how supportive they were! They all wished I had told them before the
surgery but respected that I wanted to do it on my own. They are proud of
me now and that feels really good. :o)
— Jennifer A.
October 7, 2002
I was more worried about telling my parents than I was about the surgery
itself! And I'm 33! I told them 5 days before the surgery. They were
kind of shocked and my mom cried, but amazingly they ended up supporting
me. You really do need someone to help you during recovery, so telling
people close to you is always a very good thing! I don't think I would
have made it without all my parents' help in the hospital and the first 2
days afterwards. I seriously considered not telling them about it and just
making them think I was on a diet. But they were aware of all my decades
of dieting and my health problems, so in the end they realized this was
necessary and good for me. You might want to wait until closer to your
surgery date just so they don't sit around and worry about it for a long
time. But if you are close to them, I would advise that you tell them
eventually. Good luck! I know for me it wasn't NEARLY as bad as I thought
it would be!
— ediecat
October 7, 2002
I was scared to death to face my mother when I made an appointment for my
inital consultation. I have already asked for her support, which she did
not give. So, after the consultation and a surgery date made, I sat her
down and handed her a packet that I made up for myself. That included 100
reasons for wanting the surgery, benefits, and yes, risks. I explained why
it was important in my life, and that I do need for her to support my
decisions because they were "my desisions" no matter how wrong
she thinks they may be. That did change her mind, and she did go through
all the information I had given her, she asked questions and I answered
them. She then became fully supportive once she learned how much research
and time I had put into learning about surgery, and she became my biggest
support system. Be honest with your parents. Sometimes they just need to
know all the facts, and that you are determined.
— hrussinko
October 7, 2002
I'm 30 but my being 100% open on my interest in the RNY, my tummy tuck, etc
was not an option. I was raised that not telling something is the same
thing as lying. Something to consider is how your parents are going to
react to you NOT telling them. Will they feel "lied to"? Will
they think you didn't trust them? Or you had something to hide? Just
another viewpoint!
— Shelly S.
October 7, 2002
When I mentioned it to my parents my dad kinda freaked out, he said are you
crazy ? you only need to lose 40 pounds (which I need to lose over 100),
your only 24, they havny been doing iy long enough to know the long term
affects, etc, etc. I havnt mentioned it to him since, but on the other
hand, my mom is very very supportive, I tell her everytime something
changes. I'm not going to say anything else about it until I have a date,
then I'll sit him down and explain why I'm doing this and that i do respect
his opinion, but I'm an adult now. Reversable is a good word to use!
— Karen W.
October 7, 2002
Taffy, I suspect it will bother you a lot more if you don't tell them.
They may be opposed to the idea, but it doesn't necessarily mean they will
be unsupportive. I'm 39, and like you, very close to my parents. My mom
expressed her fears to me that this was too drastic a course I was taking.
My dad didn't say anything to me directly but I found out from my mom that
he was even more against it than her, and thought I should see a
psychologist instead to deal with my food issues, because he didn't think
WLS would rid me of that. (I suspect that his advice might have some
merit!)
Nevertheless, I think it would have hurt them much more if I hadn't told
them what I was doing, and there's no way they would have let me go through
this alone. I stayed with my parents after my release from the hospital,
and they were great.
I think it's natural for parents to have doubts that this is the way to go
and to be fearful, but likely they are not your weight either, and they
don't have to live your life. Parents may not always agree with the
decisions their adult children make but it doesn't mean they will turn
their back on you either, and it doesn't mean they won't be supportive
after the fact. Good luck!
— sandsonik
October 7, 2002
Have them meet and ideally have a dinner with a successful post op. Let
them hear the story. That should help them understand... Take them to a
support group meeting...
— bob-haller
October 7, 2002
Taffy a family is like a wagon wheel. If one of the spokes changes
drastically the wheel doesn't turn as smoothly. You're parents may not be
ready for that change. You have to do what's right for you and you have to
let them know that. You need to remind them that you want to be around for
your daughter. Go over all the risks of not having the surgery with them.
I'm sure they don't want you to end up with asthma, diabetes, gallstones,
sleep apnea, heart problems, or anything else that comes with being
overweight. Maybe if you lose that weight you may find a nice guy, you may
decide to make some changes in your life, you may not NEED your mother to
support you like she has been. This is very troubling to a mother. I know
my mother hated it when I took my life into my own hands and stopped
depending on her. It's a hard thing to do and they may fight you all the
way, but you do what's right for you, regardless of what everyone else
thinks may be best.
— tinkerbellsw
October 8, 2002
I am sorry to hear about your problems. It is hard enough to have to make
the decision to have the surgery, you really need to have the support of
your family. I came across a website that may help you it is
http://www.wlscenter.com/ the author makes several suggestions on how to
approach your family and people in general. I hope this helps you. God
Bless!!
— Leslie W.
October 8, 2002
It is a hard one, Do your research well, for me, I wrote to my family
because I write better than I speak and live out of state. One of my
children attended a support grp with me, some of my family was against it
but she only knew negative examples (2).
I am a family member who choose to have the surgery and not tell her folks,
she turned out to be the very minor % that had serious consequences and
ended up in ICU for 3 weeks. That piece was very hard on her family after
the fact. I am not trying to scare you, but just realize that
complications are a posibility and if you would turn out to be a part of
that small percentage, how would your family deal with it and how would you
after the fact. My family that was against it, said they would support me
even though against it. Attend a support group before and then invite them
to it with all their questions.
Hope this helps
Betsy
— Elizabeth K.
October 8, 2002
I think you really do have to tell them...now this is just my opinion. It
sounds like you have wonderful parents but remember they are older and it
is harder for them to understand about things like this. You could try
explaining how medical breakthroughs come through everyday and it is no
different than heart surgery...it is to save your life. I wish you luck.
— Toni E.
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