Question:
Looking at my body makes me want to cry...
I am seven months post op and down about 124 pounds from a pre-op weight of 314. When dressed, I look fantastic. Hips and boobs and small waist in between. I actually attract a lot of men. But, undressed, my body looks so disgusting it's becoming a really serious issue for me. EVERYTHING - my upper abdomen, panni, arms, thighs, saddle bags is baggy, saggy, dimpled, just gross...and my breasts - I am 27 years old and have D cups that hang almost to my belly button and point straight to the floor. The skin under my armpits is so loose that it doesn't even pop back into place if I pull at it. It's becoming difficult for me to build a relationship becasue I know I can't be initmate with someone how I look. It's easy to say, "Well, if you find a man who really likes you he won't care". But that's pretty unrealistic. And even so, *I* can't seem to seem to get past it. I'm too scared to try becasue I am so wretched looking. I just ended it with a man I've been dating, because it was time to move on to that next step and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Yesterday I took a long hard look in the mirror and I am a naked freak. Even at 300 pounds I was always very confident in bed or even in a bathing suit...I didn't care about what my body looked like. My body image issues are now turning into an even more prominent intimacy issue. I have a consult with a PS tomorrow, but I am still about 30-35 pounds from goal and don't plan on actually having any PS until after the New Year. And that's a long time to be so lonely. I guess I don't really have a question. I am just so sad today about this and need someone to lean on. Anyone have anything that might cheer me up? — PaulaM (posted on September 18, 2002)
September 18, 2002
Paula- I am 26 years old, and only 8 weeks out from open RNY, so I haven't
experienced the baggy skin yet. I am sure I am going to though. I know a
lot of people will probably say that if a man really does love you he will
not care what you look like. This is true, but we all know the harsh
reality of real life too. Looks do matter. Both to us and to others. It is
sad but true. I think you just need to concentrate on how well you have
done. Did you show that last man your BEFORE picture? Did he know you had
wls? Maybe once you get to the point where you feel you can be intimate
with someone you can tell them. Obviously they would understand why your
skin is the way it is. It is funny with men anyway. We think they care so
much about looks, especially in bed...and my husband once told me that that
was the LAST thing on his mind while making love. I was always worried that
my thighs looked fat during sex or that my breasts hung to low or my
stretch marks looked disgusting....etc...and I could never even enjoy it
because I was so self consious. Once I realized that if HE didn't care if I
wasn't perfect, why should I....I stopped juding myself like that. I know
it is depressing and it is hard to feel really good about yourself when you
think you look horrible. But, you said you made an appointment with a
plastic surgeon and therefore you are on your way to achieving a body you
will be happier with. So, in the meantime try to be happy with how far you
have already come! And if it makes you feel any better at all, the excess
skin doesn't cause major health problems like the excess weight. You are so
much healthier now. **God Bless** (open RNY 7/23/02 -55lbs)
— Shawnie S.
September 18, 2002
PS- I looked at your picture and you are really quite gorgeous. No wonder
you are receiving so much attention. Good luck. :)
— Shawnie S.
September 18, 2002
Hi Paula, I am still pre-op, but relate to the loneliness that you speak
of in your post. I am 42 and have been divorced for 11 years and have only
had a few short term relationships in that time. So, I'm no stranger to
being alone. If you had asked me in my 20's if I could have made it
through 11 years on my own, I would have told you no. In fact, it was my
very fear of being alone that led me to marry my ex-husband in the first
place. I don't always like being alone now and I hope to find someone
special to share my lifewith some day. I also feel lonely from time to
time still. But I'm a much stronger person today then I was when I was 31.
So, I want to suggest that you use this time while you are waiting to
reach your goal weight to focus on yourself. I know it's hard to hear, but
you are still young and six months is a very short time in the larger
context of your entire life. Once you have PS and feel better about your
body, all this will be behind you and you'll have learned some valuable
lessons about yourself and what you are made of. Give yourself time and
perhaps use this time to work on something about yourself that you've
really wanted to change but haven't because you've been sidetracked by
other things. That's my two cents. Just know that you are not alone in
feeling alone and afraid. If what I've shared is not helpful, just leave
it. Like I said, it's just my two cents. Take care and God bless you.
Robin
— rebalspirit
September 18, 2002
Well I don't know if I can cheer you up...more to commiserate. I'm 23 and
and am in the same boat. Although I started out bigger (397) and are larger
than you now (250), I feel that I look fairly "normal" while
dressed, but underneath my clothes I am a train wreck. I too have baseball
in a tube sock boob syndrome. I desperately need my upper arms, upper
stomach, lower stomach, thighs, and boobs done. The excess skin weight is
giving me back problems and just pain in general, but is it medically
necessary? Will insurance pay for it? I am married, but looking to divorce,
and am PARANOID that once I get back in the dating pool that everyone will
run screaming. Bummer, huh?
— Paula Prichard
September 18, 2002
I am 31, married and 10 months post op, down 158 pounds. I feel great, and
look fairly good. . . until the clothes come off. I DO CRY!. About a
month ago, during sex I started bawling because I saw my boob hanging in my
armpit, dimply, saggy, etc. Totally turned me off. Kinda ended that roll
in the hay. My breasts use to be sensitive, now they are not.
My head tells me I should feel great because I am no longer 322 pounds.
Why am I more obsessed with how I look now compared to when I was obese?
Why does it bother me now? Then I explain to myself that when I was obese
there were no dimples and sagging. It was firm and although not pretty (in
my estimation)it was normal looking for the amount of weight. So now I am
172, looking normal on the outside (of clothing), but not underneath. I
feel better about my appearance and self, until I undress. Because I have
suceeded in the losing of weight, I want to suceed in the rest (tight
skin). I am rambling here.
I see no plastic surgery in my future. So I do not look at myself during
intamcy with my husband. I try very hard not to think about it. It does
not bother him. I am the one with the problem. So I try to think about
the positive. . . such as more positions, better contact, more options with
lingere, etc.
I would have never imagined this to be a problem. Persons who have not
experienced it CAN NOT understand.
— Lisa Marie D.
September 18, 2002
hi there! just wanted to let you know that your not alone at all!im a very
young 32 i have great skin so i figured that would be in my favor
"NOT" i feel awesome about my weight loss and feel confident that
i look very good now, but with the clothes off is an entirely diferent
story! im reminded of a song by shakira "underneath your
clothes"i think of myself when i hear it but have added my own words
LOL. i had surgery on feb 8 02 and have lost 140+ lbs and feel great in
every way except when it comes to being naked.i hope this helps in some
small measurement for you to know that we are all in the same boat sister!
:) best of luck to you. :)
— carrie M.
September 18, 2002
Hi Paula, an issue that we can ALL relate to. I, too, looked at your
profile and picture-you are beautiful! BTW, Happy New Year and post Yom
Kippur...altho I am not dating (married), I can totally understand your
concerns as I am totally dissatisfied with how I look in the nude right
now, and even my husband talks about WHEN I will get plastic surgery.
Unfortunately there is no question about plastic surgery-I will have to
have it as I cannot be happy with how I look out of clothes.
I think the poster that said to be happy alone for now is right on. New
Years is just around the corner. I think you could certainly wait a few
more months before you find the man of your dreams. Your very young and
have the rest of your dating life ahead of you-don't be so impatient to
have it all happen right away. In the meantime, work on developing those
all important girlfirend relationships and just doing stuff for you.
— Cindy R.
September 18, 2002
Hi Paula...just another postie checking into to let you know that you are
not alone. I started at 346 and am now 177...Dressed I look
good...undressed-ummm not so pretty. On top of all the excess skin and
long boobs I also have a scar on my breast from a lumpectomy that I am very
self conscious about. I started dating a guy a while ago and had to break
if off when he wanted to go further. I just cant bare to "bear"
it. I am afraid the man will run screaming from the room. I don't really
have any advice for you. I am going to seek some counseling to work on my
self esteem issues...I also am going to pursue plastic surg, but if
insurance won't pay...there is no way I can do it. I am a single mom and
would never be able to afford it. Hang in there...if you ever need to
talk, you can always email me. BTW-You are BEAUTIFUL!
— Marcie B.
September 18, 2002
I too went through a bit of depression, as I thought WLS would make me thin
and beautiful, ahem, it didn't.... so yes, I was a bit bummed. I also have
PCOS, and that causes male patterned body hair- yes JOY IS ALL MINE!!!
Still, I rather like myself- as you like yourself and I must deal with what
I have bodywise. Being just 7 months out, I think that you will not always
look this way... things DO shrink. You've lost a lot of weight fast, and
your body will catch up- not 100%- but it will shrink a bit. Exercise does
help. Clothes (and so do sexy nighties) hide a multitude of issues...
What I find sad is that you didn't trust your partner with this "big
secret"... unburdening yourself to us was easy- but not him? I think
you should trust him, at least give him the opportunity to dissappoint you,
rather than just assume he will reject you! Because it seems that now,
your feelings about yourself are negatively affecting your relationships-
which if you read some old posts, is exactly what OBESITY did to a lot of
us BEFORE surgery. It held us down.
— Karen R.
September 18, 2002
I'm 21/2 years post, had a TT 5 months ago. I'm in the same boat as the
rest of us... the armpits, arms, butt, thighs, boobs, you name it. After
many years, I got the nerve to try an intimate relationship a few months
ago. I was SOOOOO nervous as to what he would think of my awful, saggy,
baggy body, which, as mentioned before, looks GREAT IN clothes. To my great
relief & surprise it doesn't seem to bother him at all. I think some
(many?) men don't think about our bodies the same way we do. Now, I can't
say that ALL men will react the same way, but my guy is a health &
fitness freak--works out constantly & is very aware of his own body
& its appearance. He isn't critical about my body at all; in fact gives
me compliments. I wish I looked better, but I am coming to accept my
appearance with time. Maybe a big part of it is finding a really great guy
who cares more about YOU than how tight your boobs are, maybe it's getting
to know him well enough before you become intimate that he cares more about
the inner you than the outer you...I don't really know. What I DO know is
that it doesn't HAVE to turn out badly; it can turn out to be the answer to
your dreams & prayers, it CAN be better than you ever thought possible.
I KNOW this because it has happened to me. We've only dated a few months,
but may have a real future. I can't describe just how wonderful it feels
after so many years alone. I say don't give up a potential good thing
because you're afraid of what MIGHT happen. You might be closing the door
on what could be a wonderful thing.
— Kathy W.
September 18, 2002
I understand how you feel. I can tell you that after plastic surgery, your
WILL feel better about yourself. I was humiliated by my deflated balloon
of a stomach and my big fat arms. I had a tt and liposuction on my arms 6
weeks ago and I can FEEL a difference in my confidence level. I actually
feel good about myself. I think I'm a work in progress. I'll finish my
arm surgery in November when I have the excess skin cut off and then I KNOW
I'm going to feel even better about myself. My thighs and boobs look bad,
but I can live with them. Pick the areas of your body you just can't live
with and have those fixed first. It truly helps your self-esteem.
— Patty H.
September 19, 2002
I came to the Q & A's to post my own question on this. I am reminded by
what a great tool we have here. There is comfort in knowing we aren't
alone. I am 29, 5'2", I started at 290, surgery on 2/12/02, I am at
194 now size 16. I think I look like a saggy baggy elephant. Very sad. I am
truly very vain and when I get to goal I will be looking at plastic
surgery. I had surgery to lose weight. I want to go all the way. I love
feeling and being healthy. I want my outside to reflect this too. In the
mean time I think I will just be honest with the (future) guy in my life
and be creative with clothing and lighting. I am just depressed because I
read that with a boob lift you have a 50/50 chance of making it impossible
to nurse. If this is true I will have to wait on this. I could never
justify not being able to nurse my (future) children because of vanity. -
Hang in there (no pun intended!). Like most other things recognizing this
is an issue for you will help you move past it. Great work, you are
gorgeous!
— sara J.
September 19, 2002
Paula, I just had to deal with this issue last night with a new person in
my life. It was very hard and I've been dreading it. I feel like a
shar-pei. I opted for lights out (maybe the chicken's way out but the only
way it was going to be for me). I would hate to see you quit a
relationship over that issue without giving the man a chance to prove you
wrong. I think we are much more critical of ourselves that anyone else
could ever be. Also, something that I used to do when I was married was I
would insist on keeping on a nightgown or something to cover me. I didn't
do this last night, I have to admit I was very uncomfortable about
disrobing, but I did it and he didn't run screaming into the night (once
again, it was dark). After a few minutes, they are focused on looking at
you if you get my drift here. Anyway, my suggestions are keep on a
negligee or something that provides you with some coverage (to keep YOU
comfortable), or opt for dark and/or covers until YOU become more
comfortable. But give the man a chance. Chances are he will not reject
you if he is a decent person and really cares for you. Take a deep breath
and just do it!
— Kellye C.
September 19, 2002
I have read the questions and answers and just had to put my 2 cents in.
Although I have not ahd surgery yet (I am still waiting for a date) I just
had to say don't give up on men so easily! I am married for the second time
to a wonderful man that has accepted me just as I am and has told me that I
am beautiful. I think he is NUTS, but that is the way HE sees me. There are
TRUELY some WONDEFUL men out there and you said that a man that truely
likes you, he won't care. It is true! I know from being married to 2
totally different men. If he REALLY cares, you have NOTHING to worry about.
But I can also understand how you feel because even though he thinks right
now I am beautiful, I certainly do NOT think so. There are some really
sensitive and caring men out there, and you will know when you find him! I
DID!
Good luck to you and remember you are a beautiful person.
((HUGS)) Peg
— Peggy R.
September 20, 2002
Hi Paula...I wanted to post because I looked at your profile with your
picture and our body types are very similar. I too was very disappointed
with the "deflated balloon" look I have had to deal with since
surgery - Open RNY 02-13-01 down 130 lbs! - I am somewhat fortunate to have
a "on again - off again" relationship with the same guy for the
past 7 years...so he's seen me at my worst! But I have been very
self-consious with him even after my weight loss...he has been told on more
than one occaision "THE BRA STAYS ON!!!" Lighting and various
types of clothing do help...but I completely understand you wanting to be
"un-inhibited" I am so thankful that I will be having a tummy
tuck and breast lift (with implants!) done next week(ins. is paying for the
tummy, I'm paying $5000 for the boobs!)...I can't wait!! One thing...even
with the plastic surgery, you have to be realistic about what it can and
can't do for you...yes my breasts will now point up not down and yes I will
not have a panni covering the muff! :) But I will still have a little
extra skin flapping under my arms, the tops of my thighs will still be
wrinkly, the extra skin just below my armpits will be slightly improved
with the breast lift but some will remain...Pamela Anderson I will not
be...but a much improved version of the current Nicole I will be!
Unfortunately the abuse our bodies went thru due to obesity can never be
comepletely reversed...the plastic surgeons can help...but we need to put
our situations in the right perspectives...I much rather be a slightly
shar-pei'd 172lb person..than a 300lb multiple rolls with stretch marks
person! Good luck with your journey...I hope you find a solution that
makes you happy!
— DolcezzaVT
September 20, 2002
Paula, I totally sympathize with you. I'm not married and I'm not in a
relationship, but now I am meeting a lot of men, but I do not pursue any
relationships. Kinda hard now that I my self-esteem has grown to the point
that I'm almost becoming a compulsive flirt. My main problems are my
underarms, thighs and my breasts. I've lost so much weight in them, I now
wear water bras. As, I lose more I'm sure things will get worse. I'm
hoping to have plastic surgery after I am at least 160 pounds (perhaps five
more months). I didn't believe in putting my life on hold prior to WLS and
I don't want to do it now, but it is so hard. If anyone wants to talk
about this, email me.
— Lisa N M.
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