Question:
I am scared that guys may start paying attention to me.....
Hi all. I have a wonderful, supportive, and loving boyfriend who loves me just the way I am. He is jealous though, and I feel guilty for talking to guys that I think may be interested in me. Right now, there is one guy that I think is interested and he's attractive and all... but I have a boyfriend! He hasn't come out and said "I want to go out with you". I guess the point is that I'm not used to male attention. I am still preop so this is a shocker to be honest. I am scared that I won't know how to deal with it postop and it will be even worse. I don't want to be rude and just blurt out "I have a boyfriend!" everytime I meet someone, but I don't want to feel like I'm leading a guy on because that makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I tell my boyfriend and then he gets upset and worried that I'll find someone new. Any suggestions? How do attractive people deal with all the attention, while not being rude or leading guys on? I have no social skills when it comes to this. Any suggestions? My boyfriend's suggestion is "tell them to buzz off", but I can't do that just because they say hello. Please help me out here... — [Deactivated Member] (posted on March 30, 2002)
March 29, 2002
I agree with the previous post, this is a great question! I also agree that
it depends a lot on how secure your current relationship is, whether
married or dating it doesn't matter. If you're committed in your heart
you'll be committed in your mind and socializing with members of the
opposite sex will be much more relaxed. Think of it as making new friends.
When you make an acquintance with a female you take it slow, get to know
her, her values, likes and dislikes, things you may have in common. You
don't plan a vacation with a friend you just met last week! When we let sex
become involved, which is soooooo easy to do anyway, but especially when
you just aren't quite sure if you're with "the one" you want to
spend the rest of your life with! I have a male friend I have known now for
about 7 years. He's getting married this year and I adore his fiance! But
the first year we met I would have hated her... simply because of jealousy.
This friend, Andy, has taught me so much about the ability of men and women
to be friends. Our friendship has also helped me to evaluate my own
intimate relationships. Good luck! - Anna
— Anna L.
March 30, 2002
I understand your worry. I too am a little nervous about the male
attention I am about to receive. I am 12 days post-op and remember what it
was like when I was 100 pounds lighter. I felt sometimes like men would
cross the line in the way the looked at me or approached me. Frankly, it
is not one of the benefits I am totally looking forward too.
Now that being said - it won't hurt to get noticed again (it has been a
long time - smile!).
I too am in a committed relationship and on one level we are both excited
about the attention I am about to receive. He is excited because he thinks
it will help me to love my physical self again. I am excited because I am
looking forward to him being a little jealous. I think it will be fun. We
are in love and our commitment goes much deeper then a couple of guys here
or there letting me know that I am the 'object' of their desire.
Final Note: This journey has to be about you 'first' and others 'later'.
Find your way and if your boyfriend is the right one he will be right by
your side.
— Yvette W.
March 30, 2002
Good Question! I hate having to deal with gutsy obnoxious men that hit on
me. I still have to deal with this now at 355 pounds, but nothing like I
had to when I was much skinnier. I never really have learned how to
politely get them away without just giving them a wrong number and saying
it was mine. I am still single, and I was then too, so that's not an issue
for me, but getting rid of these type guys without being rude will be a
challenge. I would love to hear tips from "skinny" girls who
have found a way to deal with this while still being nice.
— Kelly M.
March 30, 2002
Maybe I have a different twist on how I feel about this - so please don't
flame me. For 15 years I rarely, if ever, had a man hit on me or make a
pass at me. I'd forgotten what it was like. I'm married to my best friend
and the most wonderful man in the world and we just celebrated our 20th
anniversary last week. Since losing my weight I've had a few men approach
me. All of these men were very complimentary and well mannered. I seldom
go anywhere without my husband so he was usually just momentarily a few
feet away when these gentlemen started a conversation with me. Instead of
being jealous he was more flattered that other men occasionally find me
attractive. He knows without a doubt that I'm not interested in anyone but
him! He knows that Brad Pitt or Alex Baldwin could approach me (yeah right
- like that would ever happen) and I would still say "No way - I have
the man of my dreams already!" I have to say that it's been a
tremendous ego booster to have a man take a second glance or give me a
compliment. I think if my husband were jealous of this it would be
ridiculous. We're married - not dead or blind! My husband is out of town
on business right now and I met a girlfriend for dinner at Ruby Tuesday
last night. She was running a bit late and this gentleman sat down near
me. (I was in the waiting area - not the bar or anything) Since the
weather is finally warming up I had on a gauzy type dress and sandals. He
was an incredibly handsome man! He complimented my dress and I immediately
felt like I had to let this man know I was married. I thanked him and told
him that my husband had gotten the dress for me (true story). We sat and
chatted for about 15 minutes. I found out that he was a local model and
manages a formal wear store. He was a perfect gentleman and a wonderful
conversationalist. When my girlfriend got there she was teasing me about
meeting this gorgeous man. We laughed and joked about it and it felt so
good just to have caught the attention of this guy. When I spoke with my
husband later I told him that I had the opportunity to run off into the
sunset with a model and we both had a good laugh. He knows the only person
I want to run into the sunset with is him. Having said all this, I guess
what I'm saying is I think we should learn to enjoy and appreciate the
attention we begin to receive as we lose weight and feel better about
ourselves. Let's don't let ourselves get bitter over the fact that we
didn't get this attention when we were morbidly obese. As long as we
nuture our relationships then spouses and boyfriends shouldn't feel
threatened. Sometimes unreasonable jealousy is a sign of immaturity. Of
course if someone "hit on me" in a crude manner then my husband
surely wouldn't need to be jealous because I wouldn't even give them the
time of day! I enjoy learning to feel good about myself and I feel like
some attention from the opposite sex is just additional reinforcement. I
hope this makes sense and that I didn't offend anyone.
— ronascott
March 30, 2002
You have to trust yourself!! If you truly love your boyfriend then you have
no problems!! If there are any problems between you and him--they will all
surface! Sometimes when people are not happy with themselves-no matter the
reason!!(weight, height, lack of self confidence, funny looking teeth) they
settle for less then they deserve. If you love theis man and he loves you
for who you are---it will all work out. Simply saying "I have a
boyfriend or a husband" is enough. It is not rude to be honest. Also
it is okay to take a nice compliment with nothing being said from you. If
you trust yourself to know that you have a man at home-all should work out
just fine. IF YOU DON"T FEEL CONFIDENT!!!maybe you aren't totally
confident with your relationship at home!!!
— Sheila H.
March 30, 2002
I just want to say thank you to all who responded. You have given me some
great insight into my situation and into my own mind. I think I'll print
this up and bring it with me to see my psychologist so I remember all of
your points. I really do appreciated it :) Thanks to any other posters
who come after this as well :)
— [Deactivated Member]
March 30, 2002
Good question. I am pre op and my best friend is always asking if they can
remove my butthead magnet while they are doing the surgery. I haven't been
in a dating relationship for some time and I am really afraid to try it
again. I don't have a clue on how to deal with unwanted attention from men
as I was always the fat sister, fat friend... Good luck.
— Kathy B.
March 30, 2002
Crystal- First of all I am under the assumption that every man that talks
to you wants to sleep with you. As a man myself I talk with alot of women
and I wouldn't say that it is in a flirtatious way or in an attempt to
sleep with them. Some guys can actually be friends.As far as if you feel
they are hitting on you and your uncomfortable,tell them the truth. Honesty
is always best policy.How would you want them to treat you in the reverse
situation? Best of Luck, David
— David R.
March 30, 2002
Hi David, I didn't mean to sound conceited or like I think any man who
talks to me wants to sleep with me. I very rarely ever get these vibes
from a man, that's all. I would never have the nerve to hit on a guy, so I
have no idea how I'd want them to treat me in the reverse situation . My
feelings bruise incredibly easy. I have many male friends and feel very
comfortable around them because I know the boundaries are clear (some are
gay, some are married, some are involved, the others know I'm taken). I'm
just not used to dealing with a person who meets me for the first time and
is interested. I'm used to knowing a person and having an attraction build
after knowing them a while if there's something there. I'm sure you can
guess, as the previous posters did, that there's a lot more too this than
just being uncomfortable with the attention. A lot of it does have to do
with me and my fear about how I will handle the situations. I mean, I get
a lot of pleasure from food, so I lust after that.... and I can get a lot
of pleasure from attention, so.... Lots to think about. I also worry a
lot about people getting upset at me, so sometimes I can be manipulated
with my over-sensitivity. These are all big problems, I know. I've never
thought about it much until recently though since I have been largely
ignored my entire life. Being MO has been a bit of a security blanket, I
guess. Thanks for a male point of view.
— [Deactivated Member]
March 30, 2002
Now that I've lost weight, I do get a lot more attention then 77 pounds
ago. If your in a relationship with someone and aren't interested, all you
have to do is say that if someone asks you out. If you get the
"feeling" a guy is interested in you while your talking to them,
just mention your boyfriend casually in the conversation (e.g., my
boyfriend and I were planning a vacation there, blah, blah) and the guy
will get the message and probably leave you alone. If they don't leave you
alone and still ask you out, then be blunt and say "Thanks, but I have
a boyfriend and I'm not interested in changing that". Like the
previous poster said, guys like to talk to people and are not necessarily
interested in them. We have to remember, men are people too!! :)
— Patty H.
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