Question:
I have a friend whose thinks this surgery will help her keep her husband
I am 8 months post op and doing wonderful. I have a girlfriend who is 5'5 and weighs 230 lbs. Her marriage has been on the rocks for years. Since I've had my surgery and lost all of this weight she is determine to have it too but only to keep her husband. I explain to her that this has to be about her and her health. She is not hearing me. I want what is best for her but she is so hurt by the fact that her husband has had affairs (twice) with women smaller than her that she is not listening. Any advice would be appreciated. I love her dearly but I want her to think about this. For a large lady she is in good health and has no co-morbs. — [Anonymous] (posted on February 28, 2002)
February 28, 2002
According to the BMI calculator, she doesn't qualify to have the surgery if
she has no comorbidities. She's close, but would need to gain ten pounds
to qualify. Personally, I would have loved to have had the surgery at a
lower starting weight. If she has the surgery, maybe she will gain the
self-esteem to lose him along with her weight. Cheating is cheating,
whether the person they cheat with weighs 139 or 339. If he has already
done it twice (that she knows of!), he'll do it again. The surgery is
about physical health, but it's also about happiness and mental health.
WLS is not going to save her marriage. You can't change other people.
Counseling, which will either lead to reconciliation or divorce court.
— [Anonymous]
February 28, 2002
I feel so sorry for your friend. I agree with anonymous though - once a
cheater, always a cheater & her weight won't make a bit of difference
(to him anyway). My hubby wouldn't have gotten the chance to cheat a
second time! Anonymous was also right about not being able to change a
person, she won't be able to change her husband and no matter what you say,
you won't be able to change your friend, or her mind. This is something
she will have to find out on her own. I would sit back, relax, and just be
there for her when she needs you.
— DonnaCarol
February 28, 2002
You are so right about your friend having to make this surgery about her
health, not keeping her husband. My positive relationships have improved
since I had the surgery 1 year ago, but the bad relationships have just
ended, because I am no longer willing to be used by mean people! I'm worth
being treated great!
— Terissa R.
February 28, 2002
The thing that will keep your friend from having the surgery is that, if
her BMI is too low, no reputable surgeon will perform it on her and her
insurance is highly unlikely to pay for it.
— garw
February 28, 2002
I'll probably get bashed for this, but that's never stopped me from
speaking my mind. Even if your friend does this for the wrong reasons, it
might help her in the end. Not only will she become more healthy, but she
will most likely gain self esteem and realize that she doesn't need someone
like that in her life. She may finally be able to see how bad of a
relationship she's in. Just my two cents - that and a dollar will get you a
bag of chips.
— Goldilauxx B.
February 28, 2002
The best weight loss would first to lose the husband, then
have the operation, make a new life for herself.
— [Anonymous]
February 28, 2002
Lose an easy 175-200 pounds.............Get rid of the husband. You can
change yourself, but not anyone else!!!
Had a man like that, now I've got a real one!!! LOL
Donna in AL
— Donna S. C.
March 1, 2002
I agree with everyone else -- don't have the surgery and dump the husband!
I know that the process toward having the surgery is a lot more stringent
in the States than it is here in Canada where we have universal health
care, but that sounds like something that would be picked up in the psych
evaluation if your friend managed to find herself a surgeon willing to take
on such a borderline case. Even the very brief "psycho-chat" I
had with my surgeon on my first visit would have picked that up -- he asked
the questions in such a way that if I thought the surgery was going to be a
"magic pill" for everything wrong in my life (and there was a
lot, then, not all of it having to do with physical co-morbs) it would have
been very apparent. As has been said over and over again on this site, WLS
is NOT the easy way out of a weight problem, a health problem, or a bad
relationship. It's life-altering on every level, and often in ways you
neither expect nor plan for. I feel for your friend, but her size really
isn't the issue, it's the fact that she's got a Class-A jerk for a husband.
Support her and love her and hang in there.
— Cheryl Denomy
March 1, 2002
I met my husband at 250 pounds and got married to him when I was closer to
300 pounds. I have never in my life felt more incredibly loved by anyone.
I am 37 years old and I now weight 346 pounds. My husband has always,
always shown me unconditional love. He says it and shows me often but even
if he didn't, I'd know it by the way he embraces me. He looks deep within
my eyes and while holding me close and without a word, I can feel his love.
I believe with all my heart that it's not about the outside shell, our
outside body that makes up people....not us, not them. It's about who we
are inside....all the weight loss surgery in the world will still leave
"you" inside of "you" and "him" inside of
"him". If the man is a dipsh-t, he's a dipsh-t and it sounds
like that's the case....I doubt if her weight loss will ever change that.
Why should it? If she wants the surgery, she should be getting it handled
for other reasons. Health being the big key here. I feel so bad for woman
like her because they do not realize their self-worth and value. I was
home ill the other day and was watching one of those daytime talk shows, I
believe it was Mauri Povich. He had women on there who were being abused
by their husbands or significant others. Horribly abused !! I sat and
cried as I watched these woman, mostly all overweight or extremely obese,
be talked to in the most disrespectful ways you could ever imagine. One
man was talking about his wife and referring to her in derrogatory ways as
she sat there somewhat helpless & sad. He spoke of his many affairs
and bragged that he was the head of the household and she needed to just
deal with it, which, she did. I don't understand why any woman would sit
through relationships such as your friends and not do something about it.
We are worth SO much more than what she is seeing herself to be. Does she
not think she deserves to have the love returned back to her that she is
capable of giving? I don't care what size of a person someone is, we ALL
deserve to know happiness, peace, unconditional love, understanding and
compassion. Tell her to lean on strength & faith and get on with it.
Tell her to do it, but for herself if she chooses....NOT for her
"man". The moment she starts to gain the strength, he'll come
back around...they always do. I hope that she has the ability to tell him
what bridge to jump off at that point.
You sound like a good friend and she'll certainly need that.
Bright Blessings ~
— [Anonymous]
March 1, 2002
I agree that everyone has to do this for themselves. I do have a couple of
questions for some of the posters. How would you feel if your husband
didn't include in a life altering discesion? And hhow would you respond to
"I am going to do this no matter what".
Not easy for a partenership!!!!
— Robert L.
March 2, 2002
I am not proud to say that I was the other woman, for a year. I outweighed
the wife by maybe 50 pounds. It had nothing to do with size, it was that I
gave him attention. But, if this woman wants to do this, she should be
allowed to. This way, when he does it again, and he will, she can have the
strength and the self esteem to move on. It may be easeir to blame the
affairs on her size, so she doesnt have to look at accepting some of the
blame for a bad marriage.Like Doctor Phil says, you gotta name it to claim
it.xoxo
— [Anonymous]
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