Question:
I need some advice
I am post op one year and one month! I am down 135 pounds and am almost at my goal weight. Actually I am close enough to goal that I am satisfied only 10-15 pounds from goal. Anyway, when I made the decision to have this surgery I only told a few select people in my husbands family due to issues that are too lengthy to go into. I know without a doubt that the ones that I told have not said anything but supposedly someone saw me at a doctors office and reported back to my sister-in-law (who doesn't like me) that I had had my stomach stapled because that was the kind of doctor that I was seeing. OK now instead of calling me and asking me about this she has taken it upon herself to tell everyone in the family that she sees that I have "had my stomach stapled" I cannot even put into words how angry I am. Even though my mother-in-law knows that I just found this out this past weekend, she has not even called me to ask me about this or to even inquire if I am ok or anything. The thing that bothers me is the total disregard for my privacy or feelings. Obviously, if I wanted anyone to know my personal business I would have told them. The way I found out was that one of my husbands aunts came up to me at the resturant that we were at and out of the blue said with such disbelief " I didn't know you were having surgery?" I handled it well by making out like she was confused and I hadn't had surgery. I think it embarassed her and I hope it did. Now I am trying to figure out how to handle this situation without doing so in a childish manner. I want to show my sister-in-law that I am a better person than she is and I will not play games like she does but at the same time, I can't let this go this is too big a deal to me to just let it go. My husband says that if I confront her that it will just cause a big rift in the family. I said that it is unfair to expect me to not do anything and that I am sick of being treated like dirt from his family and that it is time that they learn to respect me. We have been married for five years and they have always had issues with me and they all have something to do with my size. Now that I have lost weight they try to talk to me and be nice to me but I am not interested. If they couldn't treat me that way before, why am I suddenly worthy of their attention. I am sorry to unload, but I know that the only people who can understand me are the ones who have been in my shoes. I value all the advice and help that I have gotten from this website and in a way, I feel that this has helped save my life. My sister-in-law has always disliked me because years ago before I even met my husband she wanted him for herself and when she couldn't get him she went after his brother. I know this has nothing to do with me personaly and if it weren't me it would be whoever he married but this situation has made it personal with me and it is not all about her dislike for him anymore.It is strange that she has been going out of her way to be friendly to me lately and then I find out why! She obviously has mental issues but that doesn't excuse her behavior. How would she like it if someone had done this to her? Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Thanks! — Tonia B. (posted on January 24, 2002)
January 23, 2002
I don't think you should lie since the cat is out of the bag so to speak.
If it can be proven you're lying you'll look bad instead of them. I would
answer all questions with, I don't care to discuss my medical history with
anyone but my Dr. The thing I don't get is you say you don't care, but
obviously you do care and you are letting these people get to you. Instead
of getting upset about a bunch of petty gossips, even if they are family,
focus your energy on how well your weight loss is going and the heck with
them.
— [Anonymous]
January 24, 2002
I think you should have a discussion with your sister-in-law. You say that
you don't want to be petty like her but SHE is who you have the problem
with, SHE is who is talking behind your back etc etc... You can speak to
her without starting a big fight in the family. I know it is hard but you
will have to keep your emotions in tact. I would approach her and say I
hear you have been telling people I had my stomach stapled and was
wondering why you are telling them this and why didn't you just ask me if
it is true? I don't know about your surgeon but mine isn't just a
bariatric surgeon so it was a huge assumption on her part that you had
surgery at all.
You aren't going to resolve this unless you speak with her and clear the
air. Otherwise it will just continue with the next issue.
— Elizabeth A.
January 24, 2002
Don't say anything to anyone unless they ask; then tell them the truth. Now
you know there's no such thing as privacy within a family!! Even though
famiily members think "no one else knows" we all know who's
drinking, who's running around, and who's having financial problems, don't
we? Just ignore it; there will be someone else to talk about this summer :)
— [Anonymous]
January 24, 2002
I've said it before, and well, I've got to say it again...Harriet Lerner's
book the Dance of Anger is an awsome book filled with really good ideas on
how to handle this kind of situation. It's not a bunch of psycho-babble and
you actually get to stand up for yourself with the people who're doin' ya
wrong. I've used it and it is almost scary how right she is about how the
confrontation unfolds. Good Luck!
— Carolynn J.
January 24, 2002
I'm 21 months post-op, only 8 lbs from my personal goal, and 17 lbs under
my surgeon's goal. My family has strained relationships with one another,
especially with in-laws. It started with my brother and sister and Mother
from the moment I was born, and with in-laws 20 years ago, and it got worse
after I got married. I won't even go into the what or why. Everyone in my
family talks about me for whatever reason they find interesting as topic of
the week - being a young widow, my finances, my job, my school, my weight
loss surgery, my abdominoplasty and/or upcoming reconstructive surgery, my
dating habits, my shopping habits - just whatever. It used to irritate the
hell out of me, and I would confront them about it, until I figured out
why. They are jealous! I've created a wonderful life for myself and
overcame the physical and mental issues that were standing in my way. They
want what I have - peace, harmony, security, happiness. Now I just ignore
them, laugh about it when it gets back to me, and that irritates the hell
out of them. Why someone, especially someone who is supposed to love me,
can't be happy for me after all I've been through is beyond me. So instead
of wasting energy worrying about them, I focus on my children, myself, and
my boyfriend and hope they can find more to do to give them pleasure than
to talk about me! Don't let it get to you, girl. Live and be happy! You
deserve it!
— [Deactivated Member]
January 24, 2002
I feel for you and your situation. I know what it is like to be so
frustrated, we all do. The surgery really has little to do with your
problem. I am no shrink, but I think you are so angry because,
unfortunately you don't have any control over your adversaries. It is some
people's nature to gossip and make assumptions about other's situations.
It is often a no win situation because just like your in-laws, these people
are generally petty and nothing you can do will change that. You said it
yourself, that your sister in law has "mental issues" and
"doesn't like" you and she's already spread the stomach stapling
rumor through your family. The damage is already done, and if she really
doesn't like you...I doubt there is anything you can say to her that will
make this situation better. Yes, telling her off might make you feel good,
but really think about how she would react....what will she say about you
then, in retaliation? It is an ugly situation, and I doubt you are an ugly
person. So, don't let any of them have a reason to think you are. Ignore
what they say, hold your head up high, and just smile to yourself knowing
that you have accomplished something truly wonderful for yourself. In the
long run, that is that's really all that matters.
— [Anonymous]
January 24, 2002
Tonia, you sound confused: on one hand, you want only select people to
know. Then you are hurt because your monther in law, who is obviously
respecting your privacy by pretending she doesn't know, hasn't called you.
Then you lie to someone who asks something as innocent as, "I didn't
know you were having surgery". And yet, you say you don't want to
play games and want their respect. I suggest you start by telling the
truth and not playing power games of withholding information from some and
specially choosing who in your family you will tell. Most people just want
to be included in the information, most will be there to support you and
care about how you are if you let them. And to those that don't, who cares
what they think or say? The older I get, the more I realize that when
people gossip, it says more about them then about the people they are
talking about, myself included! Good Luck to you!
— merri B.
January 24, 2002
Oh, I had to respond to this one! My DH's family can't stand me and I don't
really like them too much either. When I decided to have the surgery, I
told my Dh that under no certian terms will his family know. If they ask
him about me losing weight, he is to say, "she's dieting and
exercising", which technically, I am doing. I did tell one person in
the family who also married into it. I trust him not to say anything, even
to his wife. He was thrilled for me. To this day, the family doesn't
know. I've had to deal with this stuff for 13 years! I used to just not say
anything but I do now. I won't tolerate it from anybody. I guess I get a
little satisfaction in throwing it back onto them. I ask, "why would
you want to know that?" "Why would you say such a hateful
thing?". Just the look on their faces is worth it to me.
What I would do in your situation is have a family meeting not just
confront your SIL. She will twist things to her advantage and you will look
like the bad guy yet again. Get everybody in the same room and let them
know that you know what is circulating around. (It's up to you if you want
to confirm or deny the surgery). Let them know you don't appreciate the
gossip, backstabbing, etc. It is up to you if you want to do this and your
DH doesn't really have a say especially if he won't stand up for you. Just
my opinion.
— Kris T.
January 24, 2002
I am seven years older than my husband. I had been previously married and
divorced and had a child. He was only 21 when we married and had very
little prior relationship experience. His family tried to be kind but it
was obvious they were shocked and disappointed in his choice for a wife.
Eventually my husband and I discovered his family did a lot of gossiping
about me so when I decided to have WLS we agreed not to tell them. We
didn't want to give them any more fuel for the gossip. We spent
Thanksgiving with his family this year and I was 5 months post op and down
90 pounds (only 20 pounds from goal) so all the in-laws were shocked to see
me and started asking questions. I looked around the room at his parents,
seven siblings, and their spouses and decided to "gossip" about
myself. I told them everything then waited for the fallout. I still can't
believe all the love and support I got from those people and my
relationship with his family is now better than ever before. I have also
been sleeping much better with the knowledge I'm not one of the post ops
perpetuating myths about "diet and exercise" suddenly working for
people who've never been able to keep the weight off before. Only you can
decide what is best for you and your family but remember, THE TRUTH SHALL
SET YOU FREE.
— [Anonymous]
January 24, 2002
If you want your husbands family to except you for who and how you are, you
must also except them for who and how they are. I know how hard this is to
do, but think about how you will now treat people who are severely obese,
will it be any different now that you have lost so much weight? I hope you
will have the same respect for them that you wanted when you were heavier.
Think about this. Congratulations on the loss of so much weight!!!! It's
great
— [Anonymous]
January 24, 2002
Two things: 1) Be the BETTER PERSON. 2) Whatever you decide to do, DO IT
QUICKLY!!!! The longer you let ANY situation simmer, the harder it is to
deal with.
— Robby E.
January 24, 2002
Wow! You've certainly stirred up a storm! I have to admit that I will
probably be in the same position as you. I really don't want many people
knowing about me possibly having WLS. And unlike what others have said
here, I am not ashamed of WLS, I don't want the surgery to be stamped on my
forehead. It's my body, my decision. As far as your insensitive
Sis-in-law, hold your head high, and if the subject ever comes up, you
could say something to the effect of, "Why would you ever ask me
something so personal and insensitive?" That should shut her up, but
if it doesn't (and it sounds like she's probably very hard-headed), repeat
it firmly, but kindly and with a big, sweet smile. My Mom always taught me
to "Kill 'em with Kindness!" It will PROVE that you are the
better person. To the family members and friends who DO know, ask them for
confidentiality, and share with them the joy of your weight loss! Good
luck to you! Remember to hold your head high!
— [Anonymous]
January 24, 2002
I know that there can be some pretty nasty things go on when dealing with
inlaws. I know, my family is horrible to my wife and I am sick of it and
have pretty well just wrote off my entire family because of the way they
treat my wife and me. I actually get along better with my inlaws that my
own family. We moved 1500 miles away from my family to get away from the
problems.
It is a pretty complicated situation. My wife had surgery about 10 months
ago, and has now lost almost 100 lbs. When we were out there last summer,
she had lost about 50 lbs and their were a few that made a big deal about,
but I don't think anybody suspected WLS.
Now I am scheduled for RNY on Mar 4, and I am not telling my family until
after surgery is over and done. The main reason is that I don't want to
deal with any attitudes before surgery. At some time I do plan on telling
them all, but not until I have at least lost a substantial amount of
weight.
My advice, now that you have lost substancial amount of weight, and the
"cat is out of the bag" anyway, instead of trying to cover it up,
tell them about it and tell people it was the best thing you have ever done
for your health and that it is nothing to be ashamed of. Obviously the
dramatic weight loss and healthier lifestyle will speak for itself.
— Dell H.
January 24, 2002
Smack her.
— Goldilauxx B.
January 24, 2002
Please remember "God doesn't like ugly" and don't stoop to her
level. Remember too that just because someone asks a question, you don't
have to answer it.
— [Anonymous]
January 24, 2002
Honey I know what you are going through, but not with family. The
troublemaker sister-in-law, you dont need her friendship. However, there
are others in the family I am sure your husband and possily yourself would
be of great benefit to be friendly with. If anyone ask why you dont like
your sister-in-law tell them. Be honest, short, and to the point. She
will hear about it and maybe it will open her eyes to what a bitch she has
been. Dont avoid family because of a few bad seeds, just avoid the bad
seeds and be breave. My best friend at one time I had to set her straight
because of uncalled for issues. We are better off for it and now the best
of friends. I still have problems telling her some things because of her
bad mouth, so I dont but I dont regret making friends with her at all, When
she realized what she was doing, it took a long time but we are friends.
She always badmouthed any big person and unfortunitly now she is no slim
beauty. Diana
— [Anonymous]
January 24, 2002
WOW!!!!! I was really suprised to see so many responses to my post! Thank
you to all that answered. I have had the whole day to consider what to do
and I think that I will get my emotions in check before I talk to anyone.
The reason that I told the aunt she was confused is because I was totally
caught off guard and didn't think before I replied. You are all right. I am
proud of my success. I am NOT ASHAMED of my surgery. It has saved my life.
I just do not appreciate my sister-in-law telling things that are based on
speculation. If she had heard and then asked me herself instead of telling
every person that would listen to her I wouldn't even be posting this.
Thank you again for all your comments. At least I know that I am not alone.
— Tonia B.
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