Question:
I don't know how to ask this question...

I live in fear that I will be lonely. I have issues as a fat woman now because the men I encounter seem enamored with my fat. They are attracted to me because of my legs or face but overall I never get what I need from the relationships, so I have stopped having them all together. Now that the surgery is on the horizon, I live in fear that I will never be able to find anyone. I know I don't respect men who say that size matters but if I am no longer big how will I be able to fetter these men out? I know it seems like a silly fear to most people but I don't sleep at night with this worry and I still have 6 wks until my surgery. Please help!    — ShayZ (posted on January 12, 2002)

January 12, 2002
Believe me when I say you aren't alone in your fears. I have spent thebetter part of my life ebing BIG and having security in my bigness. For example, I don't even worry about being out at night alone because I know that I can hadnle myslef. Im 6 feet and weigh well over 300 pounds, so I could be a match versus another woman who may be 5/5 and 145. Now, I had to come to terms with this and realize that though my size is going to change, my attitude and self assurance isn't. So, I say all of that to say this, men are going to find you attractive regardless of your size. Honestly, the last thing you should be worrying about is companionship. Focus your energy on your health! God doesn't close a door without opening a window. Hope something I rambled out will help. Best of wishes to you on your surgery.
   — Tara C.

January 12, 2002
No fear is silly, especially the one of being alone. You might want to try talking to a councelor.. but then you might also want to consider that once you aren't big, and you find that "special guy", you may not care that he wouldn't have dated you when you were bigger. Because it's not relevant.. But if it's a major issue, then you'll have to keep looking.. I feared before I got married that I'd never find anyone who liked me for my size (I was 460+ lbs when I got married) and as I shrink I fear to lose him because he loved me at this weight, and may not know what to do with me at a lighter wieght and more active life style.. it's sort of a catch 22, but you know they say love comes when you're not looking, so be patient.. Start planning "the rest of your life" and thinking about your new self, that should consume a better deal of your time. This surgery is a major change that should focus you inward for a while so you can make your own choices as what's best for you...
   — Elizabeth D.

January 12, 2002
Like the last poster said.. whether or not a new 'someone' might have been attracted to you when you were heavy.. or not.. IS irrelevant. You're not going to be the SAME after your surgery. You're going to have more energy. You're going to have a better self-image and better self-esteem. You're going to be healthier. You're going to adopt new interests and hobbies.. In short: You'll be a different because of changes in lifestyle..which is going to attract a different sort of 'significant other'...Men who aren't attracted to your "size.. or your face".. but men who attracted to THE WHOLE YOU!! Your first concern is with YOURSELF! If surgery is what you need to bring yourself to your peak health and emotional state.. the rest will fall into place. Don't worry...it will work out..!!! Good Luck..and God Bless...
   — Diane E.

January 12, 2002
Shay, you are a vibrant, beautiful and intelligent woman, men will find you attractive no matter what your weight! Part of the reason you weren't getting what you want from your relationships may be that you weren't happy with yourself. These men who were enamored with your fat would likely brush off a thin woman. Is that really any worse than a man who brushes off a fat woman? Would you have held it against one of these men for not being attracted to thin women? (Personally, I always thought it was cool that my husband wasn't attracted to or wouldn't leave me for a thinner woman.) We are all attracted by different things.<p> My husband has always liked bigger women. I was afraid that once I started losing weight that he would no longer be attracted to me. I'm happy to say that I was wrong. He loves ME! Not just my body! And he does find my new body attractive. He has fun checking out all my new bones and curves that were once hidden by fat. He loves all the new energy I have and that I feel sexier and therfore our sex life is better than ever. Don't be afraid of being lonely, just go out and live your life and men will be attracted to you by your very nature. Love and hugs!
   — kylakae

January 12, 2002
Hi Shay, this will be quick and short. If you have any "fat" friends, see what the man you are interested in says about them. If it is negative, you don't need him, he is a Shallow Hal. Good Luck.
   — Angela S.

January 12, 2002
You raise an interesting issue...I must say I have the opposite problem...I haven't had a date/sex in about five years, I think, due to my fat a**. I would be happy to find a "fat lovers" association to hook up with a man who can accept me at my size (250 lbs/20-22W) but haven't been able to, even on the internet. I fear more that I will end up alone if I DON'T somehow get to a normal size. I have to admit that this is one of the main impetuses for me to look into this surgery...the fear of never having a date. Sorry to make it about me, but like I said, interesting issue.
   — rebeccamayhew