Question:
Hi, I am 8 mos post op and
Hello I am 8 mos post-op. I almost died during my surgery and afterward. As soon as I was well enough again to start going out approx. 4 mos. I started gambling. I knew we didnt have the money and I never had a problem before surgery. I just wanted to be out and doing something. Well I have been late on my mortgage payment now for 4 mos. I have totally stopped gambling for at least 2 mos, but I cant repair the damage that I have done. I had a problem with Gambling about 2 years ago. My husband doesnt know and if I tell him he will divorce me. I am now seeing a counselor, but I am so distressed about this that I am considering suicide. i am soooo upset. I just think if I end it all, than I wont know if he will truly hate me for this. I really dont know what it was. The thought of dying or what. Can anyone help. — [Anonymous] (posted on January 9, 2002)
January 9, 2002
I feel for you. First money is just that, paper, nice to have but not
nearly as important as life and health. You need to tell your therapist of
your suicide thoughts. Meds can help. Beyond that you need to tell your
hubby of the problem and your thoughts. Give him credit he has seen you
thru previous bad times and will help you again. I had a friend who
commited suicide, I didnt know how bad her problem was till after she died.
Her death still haunts me today.. Before you do anything bad call a suicide
hotline, good friend, parent or mninister. ALL these folks will help. Life
is too important to throw it away. I know since I once had a rough time
caring for my dying grandma and nearly did myself in. REALY glad I didnt. I
have had bad times since but some really good times too, like my wedding
day, a special moment in Cancun, and lots of fun times.
— bob-haller
January 9, 2002
Please tell your counselor how you are feeling! You cannot keep those
thoughts and feelings to yourself. Maybe you can take hubby with you to a
session and talk with the counselor together. Also, try contacting your
mortgage company and see if they will work with you on getting caught up.
Also, check out local Consumer Credit Counseling Agencies, they can provide
information to help you. Here in Missouri they have an 800 number
(1-800-BETSOFF) for gambling problems, try them too. My father, my
father-in-law and one of my children's high school friends all took their
own lives and I know they would not have done it if they had understood the
heartache that resulted and how much people would have done to help them if
they had just shared their feelings. Try to be strong, you are in my
prayers. God Bless.
— lallen454z
January 9, 2002
My god I SOOO sincerely wish that you had signed your name. There is
NOTHING to be ashamed of at all. First, of all, let me tell you that I
suffer from severe depression myself and have done MANY foolish things. I
also believe that due to the loss of our "friend" food, we
substitute one addiction for another. I would have NEVER told anyone on
this site this, but, I just feel so bonded with you that I have to tell you
this. I live only 10 miles from the casinos and at about 10 months Postop,
I decided to go cash my check there. My paycheck that is. 780.00! Guess
how much I came home with? NONE! that's right. After 3 hours, I had to
call my husband to come get me because, to add insult to injury, my car
wouldn't start. I was SURE that he would at least go nuts if not threaten
divorce but, I also was alittle bit ready. I felt awful and had decided
then and there to go get help. Saw a doctor the next day, got back on meds
and have been better since. Yes, I still go to casinos, and yes I still
spend but I am smart now just like you sound like you are. I never take
more than 50.00 now. I needed the gambling because I had lost food. I
traded and not a good trade. I BEG you to get to a doctor because this CAN
be helped. That is what I would do first. Then you can tell him that yes,
you did this but yes, you are also trying to fix it and get help. Is your
husband perfect? If so, then he SHOULD divorce you because he should have
a PERFECT wife. No? Not perfect? He also makes mistakes you say? Then
you are also allowed to make them. Yes, I agree it's a big one to you, but
a bigger mistake is thinking that your life isn't worth living. You are
suffering from a physical disease. Depression. It's a lack of Seratonin
and it happens often to WLS people. It's not because you lack something
mentally. It is something you CANNOT control without meds. PLEASE EMAIL
ME. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH AND CAN UNDERSTAND
COMPLETELY. I honestly care what happens to you.
— Barbara H.
January 9, 2002
I really cannot add more than what the other posts have said. But since
you didn't sign your name I couldn't go directly to your profile and let
you know, I to understand. Try to seek help from a psychaitrist so that
you can begin medication immediately for this problem. I too did some very
foolish things from my depression. I can also!
— Karen Renee
January 9, 2002
Oh my dear! You can get through this. First of all, we are all human and
entitled to a few mistakes! Gosh, this can be repaired and there are lots
of options for you. You can go to consumer credit counseling for one.
They will help you get straightened out. It seems like the main concern is
that your husband will hate you when he is aware of the situation. Well,
when he married you he took the vows for better or worse. Not that this is
the worse that could happen but he surely is man enough to face your
problems and not hate you! He needs to be aware of the situation and if he
wants to divorce you, so be it. You don't have to end your life over this!
If he wants a divorce over financial problems, then you really don't need
to be married to him. If you can't tell him what is happening and get
help, he is not the mate you deserve. True, he may be angry for a while
but he'll get over it. I know that it is hard to admit mistakes but hey,
this is real life and we all make them. Have you sheltered him from any
financial worries in the past? If so, it is not fair for you to carry the
whole burden. You didn't say if you are employed or not. If you aren't
then go out and find a job and show him you are willing to pay for your
mistakes and then do it. If he gives you too hard a time, well, in
reality, even if he divorces you, he will still have to pay the debt too.
In the state I live in, the obligation falls to both parties regardless.
Dear, perhaps you will be surprised by his reaction. Maybe he will support
you and help you get the problem resolved! If he does, your marriage will
be stronger. If he doesn't, then you need a mate that will be there for
you. Or not. Many women are better off without this type of a
"noose" around their neck. This is 2002 and you can make it on
your own if you need to. You have accomplished a lot and you are a strong
woman. Don't let the fear of a man's opinion, bring you to the point of
suicide! Sit down with him and tell him what has occurred and once he gets
over the anger, you will be able to share all your problems with him and
ask him for his support, love, and help. Good luck, sweetie. It is
frightening to be totally honest but what a burden will be lifted off your
shoulders once you have confided in him. I wish you well. Please consider
going for counseling too so that you can lick the gambling obsession too.
You are not alone! There are many ways to get help.
Remember that there are understanding people out there and many are right
here on this site! God bless you!
— Marilyn C.
January 9, 2002
There is nothing on this or in this world that is so bad that suicide
becomes worth it. I know. I've been at the point you are in the not to
distant past.
You HAVE to tell your husband... OR get a second or part-time job and work
like hell to repair the damage. You will never repair the damage if you
keep yourself in this depression. Does your husband know about the
previous gambling problem?? If he doesn't, now is the time to tell him
before it gets worse. If he does, and told you if you did it again he would
divorce you, then... depending on your marriage and how close the two of
you are, either tell him or get that part time job and tell him after you
have repaired everything.
Trust me... if you have any kind of close relationship with your husband at
all, he will understand and work with you to repair the damage. He will get
mad at you at first, but if he knows the extent of your despair and that
you are getting help from a counselor, his anger will pass. He loved you
enough to marry you and stay with you this long, don't you think you might
be giving him the short end of the stick by assuming he will hate you for
making a horrible mistake???
I am not in your shoes, so I do not know all the details, but that is just
what I would do...
— Sharon H.
January 9, 2002
It is well know among therapist that treat addictions that if you
"cure" an addiction without replacing it with a healthy
alternative another addiction will probably develop. For many of us eating
is and addiction, treating that without resolving the underlying problem
can create problems. I wonder if that is what happened to you. If you
were eating to alleviate emotional pain turning to gambling, sex, drugs or
alcohol may be used to reduce the pain. Talk to a therapist who
specializes in addictive behaviors. good luck,
— [Anonymous]
January 9, 2002
OK, here I go spilling my Guts to the world. I'm posting this with my name
so that if you need to talk you can email me. A few years ago, not too
many, I had a severe shopping problem, here I was almost 300 pounds and
shopping was my best friend, every clerk is a shoppers friend, you get
attention, they always like seeing you because you spend money, and buying
things gives you a short "high" i'm sure the same as gambeling.
Well, as time went on I spent all we had in savings (whild hubby was
clueless) I took out loans, creditcards and sold things. One by one hubby
began to catch on. **** hit the fan a few times but it was worth it just
for that short amount of the "high" i got shopping.
Once the good credit ran out, I began not paying bills. I was robbing peter
to pay paul. Trying to pay the loan payments with the house payment money.
Here's where you get into trouble. When your house is around two months
behind, maybe three, and you send in a payment, they send it back to you
with a letter saying, no we dont want this small one payment, we want all
three months at once or nothing. Then what do you do! you cant come up with
three at once so you sit on that payment, wait till next month and you've
blown half of the money you had already. Next month there is a knock at
your door and its the County Sherrif with a forclosure statement. Ok... i
hope hubby doesnt read this in the paper. Well. then you have to refianance
behind his back to catch up, Sigh... all better now, but not cured. You
start the same pattern over again. no pay, shop, sherrif and so forth, till
your darling father n law reads the forclosure notice in the paper and your
hubby stands in front of you with a pick ax! (never once crossed my mind at
that time what he wanted to do with it) thanks god he didnt!
Needless to say, now everything is out in the open, its a year later, No
secrets, No more lies, I didnt run my car out in front of a train like i
wanted to, And my marriage is Happy again, and better then ever. He pays
the bills, watchs the accounts like a hawk, AND THANK GOD FOR CELEXA,
i no longer spend!!!!! or have the urge,
Sorry for the length, just sharing my story, i hope it helps.
— elifritz
January 9, 2002
Hi there. I can only relate in that I have been suicidal in the past
myself. Please believe me that it is not the way out and that there will
be better days ahead! If your husband loves you (or is at least
compassionate) he will not "hate" you for having a gambling
addiction. It is a very common one at that. My 70-something year old
great aunt had a gambling addiction herself until she moved away from the
Las Vegas area to Florida. I know you called it a problem, but please see
it for what it is so you can address the feelings that led you to it. If
you are not ready to tell your husband though, work with your counselor and
get it under control first. You might also look into an anti-depressant (I
was on one for 4 years to help me cope through a difficult time) to help
you think a little more clearly and less emotionally about this situation.
You can get through this, I swear! Don't let fear of your husband's
reaction drive you to harm yourself! We all have had major upheavals and
trials in our life. Many of us have dealt with tremendous conflict and
rejection from the people we love. I was in a major depression for
_years_. I saw my life going nowhere and the mental anguish was
unbearable. I didn't want to suffer anymore. But I got help from a
psychologist, I got on medication, and I got through a rough spot. I just
cannot emphasize enough to you that there is so much to rejoice about in
this life even when we are at rock bottom, and that things do get better.
I can also garantee you that the people who love you would be much more
upset if you were to take your life no matter what you did to upset them.
Please get some help and consider taking some medication. Take care of
yourself. You'll be in my prayers!
— [Anonymous]
January 9, 2002
Anonymous, please let us know how you are doing. If you want to continue
to be anonymous that's okay too. We just want you to be well and alive.
Have you tried a twelve step program??
— faybay
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