Jasmine M.

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I've been binging. Again. Bad. And, when I say binging, I mean consuming hundreds of calories in the span of minutes. Chocolate, cookies, pretzels, chips. You name it. It's like a frenzy and then it's over. Sometime I throw up because in my head that's just smart. Sometimes I stop myself from that humiliation. But, either way, I'm destroying all my hard work. I've done this before. Really I've been binging and purging my whole life. But, this time it's serious. I've came so far and have so much more to lose than I ever did. I feel out of control. I'm so scared. I've never felt so alone in all my life. It's both cause and effect. I'm going to San Diego, which I'm excited about, but I'm scared too and ever since I started thinking about it, I've been eating emotionally until I'm now at this point where I feel like I need to do it to get control. 

Blech. Today is bad, but tomorrow will be better. I'm going to get slim fast tonight and go back to liquid and protein only for a little while. If I can get the "bad foods" out of my system, maybe I can get control. Maybe...

I've come to see, no matter how far out you are, once an addict, you're always an addict. You're never fully recovered. Just in remission.

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I miss him.

Went home this weekend. As in, home where I grew up... It's funny how those people and that place can remind me of who I really am, even if everybody else is still trying to figure out who the heck I am. They ask me what I'm up to. They've always thought me wild. Running around chasing my dreams instead of staying married, settling down, having kids like I was supposed to. I know they whisper about that girl who lost all that weight and just let it go to her head. Crazy. That's what they say. lol. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe crazy isn't such a bad thing after all...

Alison Krauss's song "Crazy as Me" is really hitting all the right notes for me right now...

Crazy as Me (Alison Krauss and Union Station)

I'm used to being alone
Except for six month flings with diamond rings
And phone bills that outweigh the phone
This is the life that I chose
I got no complaints if he is, if he ain't,
and if he is I guess he'll send me a rose

Chorus:
Just don't ask me for the truth if you choose to lie honey
And don't try to open my door with your skeleton key
Some folks seem to think I only got one problem
I can't find nobody as crazy as me

I still love what I know
I love to ride alone and sing a song and listen to the radio
You can ride along and if you change your mind, well
That's just fine, but there's somethin' that you got to know

Chorus:
Just don't ask me for the truth if you choose to lie honey
And don't try to open my door with your skeleton key
Some folks seem to think I only got one problem
I can't find nobody as crazy as me

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I miss him

Hello All. I hope you're having a beautiful day. I have received countless emails from you all asking about why my marriage ended. How did surgery destroy my marriage? I'm pasting below the response I wrote to someone. I think it sums it up, but please feel free to ask anything you need. I know those fears. I remember thinking that surgery was the kind of thing that would affect OTHER people's marriages, never mine. It's even something my husband and I had discussed and laughed off... Ironic, yes? Regardless, I am happier than I've ever been. Something I've come to know, you can try to manipulate destiny and safeguard yourself from the tragedies of life, but you only change the path you take, you will never actually change the destination. Whatever is supposed to happen, simply and unequivocally will. ;)

My email:

I was heavy for the totality of my life. I ate away my pain, uncertainties, everything. The thing about eating away emotions is you can't relegate that to just the negative ones. You eat away the good too. Well, I was so dull most all my life that when someone paid attention to me and a friendship was built, I assumed that's how love worked. I just let it flow. Years later when I had my rny and I could no longer deal with my life by numbing hurt with food, I suddenly realized alot. When you take away the food, you have to deal with the real. I adored my husband. The person he was, but I was never at any time in love with him. He was safe. I loved him, but I felt nothing for him. It took me over a year to actually leave. I felt so indebted to him for all that we'd gone through, mostly with him caring for me and helping me so much. It was the most devastating experience to have to leave someone that I did care about. That I still care about. My feelings for him never changed. They were just never what they should have been. And, without food, I knew I couldn't carry on that way. Without the weight of pounds and insecurities and numbness, I felt like I had a chance to be something for me. Live for me, for once. I will live all of my life thankful for him and his love and I hope someday he will try to understand, though he doesn't right now. And, so few people do. So few people know that food is really a drug, and that food addiction is truly a disease. I am only in remission, and if I don't stay on top of my eating, my emotions, my life, I could be right back there in an instant. I would have been if I'd stayed with him, bless his heart. I couldn't spend my living dreaming and wondering "Is there life out there?". I realized I didn't just have to dream. I could make it my reality. And, so I did. And, so I am. :)

I will happily answer any question you have. Take care and good luck always. With all things in life, you can know, but you can never really prepare. No one's ever really ready. Bariatrixies are a courageous lot. Be proud of that.

Peace,
Jazz

PS: And, those of you out there dating after a situation like mine: How do you deal with the ups and downs of the normal dating world? This is my first foray ever really (I was 18 when I met my husband and he was my first bf). I'm discovering it's TOUGH... I feel like I'm walking around with blinders on, not knowing what to say or do. My boyfriend Ryan and I just broke up... And, I'm missing him... Bad... And I can't (or SHOULDN'T) use food to make that hurt stop... So, what does a girl do?... 

Ya, did I mention I miss him? :(