rce884

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grrr. 

i wrote a long post but it got eaten by the internet. stupid me. 

For the record lunch (a salad and an apple) took 15 and a half minutes to eat today. better even than yesterday and there was more food yesterday. 

anyway to the point of this blog post. 

today i got paid paid my bills and now have a little pocket money. so its PIZZA DAY. i know this is bad, but bear with me while i explain. 

on my payday i order pizza (vegitarian, i am not but its better for you than the meaty varity, whole wheat thin crust less cheese) and chicken bites (better for you than chicken wings but still good no sauce ) and a salad that i make myself eat first with light dressing. i only do this on payday so twice a month. i know pizza is bad but i am weaning myself off of the stuff. like this month i am only doing it once. and the chewing still applies. as well as the slow eating. i will admit to having a soda but only when i eat out witch is as i said only twice a month. but this is one of the last pizza treats i am going to have. one the beginning of october and then that is it. no more pizza. i am sad but resolute. i know it is bad. but there is something so decadent about having someone bring you a steaming hot pile of food that takes three days to eat and no cooking. it is so i dont know. but i will miss it. i know there are healtyier alternatives to pizza. i have some cauliflour pizzas on my pinterest. but for now this is tonight. i am not going to go cold turkey off everyting i love i started now so i could wean myself away from these things i had my last ever fish and chips last friday. it was good. but i am good with it gone. i dont have to have fish and chips, (or pizza ) as long as i can be healthy. 

it is worth it. 

thanks for reading, if you want please friend me i can use all the support i can get. 

I am on to the goal of eating slower. god it is hard. i have spent a lifetime eating fast. it started with the leftovers. i was a skinny kid with a huge appitite as i grew up. my father is a big man and he loved his leftovers. so my mom (very nuclear family) would make extra food. but if dad finished eating first he would eat all of it. he wasnt selfish just hungry. and thoughtless. so my sister and i grew to know that if you ever watned seconds you had to finish fast. that was the start of it. it is unfortunate but it set in motion a life long pattern of speed eating. my partner has told me to slow down for years. but i didn't listen now i am going to have to force myself to eat slowly. I made it through a fish and chips meal (probably my last one. not somehting i eat often so i won't likely have it in the next few months and then after it will most assuredly be too greasy) in 17 minutes. tiny bites and focus. mindfullnes. i learned mindfullness when i was doing cbt cognitive behavioural therapy for my borderline personality disorder. i have a good year of actual mindfullness training under my belt and a good 10 years of using it in fits and starts. 

SO slower eating. small bites. mindfullness. it is hard. i dont know if its wanting to taste it all or weather it is eating it hot. i just know that i feel like i have to gobble my food. i eat faster than anyone i know. i am finished my food by the time my parnter has gotten hers. it is rediculous. i can' go on like this. litteraly. i am having my surgery (if all goes well) by December. last year may have been my inadvertent last christmas dinner.  oh well i can still eat right just smaller portions. and perhaps none of my mom famous stuffing as it is awesome porky sausagy goodness. but it is also quite fatty. so i may have to leave that family tradition in the dust. 

Small bites. i am going to try to make my lunch sandwich last for at least 10 minutes. hopefully 12. I dont know if i can do it but i will keep you posted