sarah !.

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i cant frieken believe it. i still cant believe it! i took some before pics today and okay, they were horrible! lol. wait till you see them. i'm not posting them until i see a Huge difference to post. i'm scared someone will steal them and black mail me with them. lol. i'm still going to have my sister take some of me in my skivvies so i can look at them when i want to eat bad food. i doubt i will ever post those though.
i'm not nervous about surgery. i'm still going with the flow. i'm hoping the recovery will be easy. i know a gal who has breezed through surgery and i know a gal who has had tons of complications.. so... i have af eeling i'm going to breeze through though too.
i'm nervous about my Dita being over at my friends house. it's just a very different environment. three days without her. 

well, i've heard that hurley has a computer u can ask for. if i'm feeling up to it i'll ask for it because i want to update my blog if i'm not too drugged up. morphine makes me ramble on like a crazy person though, so be warned. 

i guess i'm not excited but i dont think it's going to work for me and i dont want to get my hopes up. i dont want to sound negative... i mean.. i'm not sabotaging myself. i've stuck to this liquid diet to the T. but i havent lost any pounds. i've lost inches, yes. but the scale hasnt moved. 
i'm looking forward to being a month out and being... 20 pounds down? i think that's a realistic goal for me. my goal is to be 20 pounds down in one month. we'll see what the surgeon or nutricionist says.. oh yeah, i've never met the surgeon yet. i hope he's nice! even if he's a raging bastard. i dont car! lol. it's not like i'm gonna reschedule.

alright, i'm going to go pack my bag.

xo.

measurements:
left arm: 17
right arm: 16 3/4
left thigh: 27 1/2
right thigh: 28 1/2
left calf: 19
right calf: 18 1/4
waist: 53
bust:  48
neck: 16 
hips: 48

weight 251

today i'm just worn down and irritable. my ex is pissing me off. everything is pissing me off. i'm dizzy. i cant think straight. i have a glucose monitor but i dont even wanna know what my blood sugar is. it feels like 30. 
i was so disoriented yesterday.. i went to make my soup, and i put the chicken broth in.. with the tomoto soup powder, and a dash of garlic powder. blended it up.. then realized... it wasnt tomato soup i put in it.. it was my strawberry shake mix!! ugh!! i so i wasted a shake mix.. and i was pissed. 
tomorrow i drink seven "wildberry fruit drinks" whichi would imagine is some sort of colon cleanse type stuff... and then surgery on monday.

i'm feeling a bit down. i called my asshole ex to see if he'd pick dita up at 1 instead of 5 because i wasnt feeling well, after i explaiend to him i was sick.. then he wanted to know why.. and when i told him because iw as sick (again )! he didnt like my tone and told me to knock it off.. because he's a fucking control freak and i'm not allowed to show a speck of emotion and it doesnt fucking matter that i havent eaten in a goddamned week. and dont fuckign tell me that these shakes are nutritionally sound. there's nothing in them. i'm pissed off.
i have a head ache. of course he diddnt show up till five. i'm so pissed off i just want to cry.


i'm so worried about a number things. a week on this goddamned liquid diet and i havent lost a pound. i do feel like i've lost inches. but why the fuck hasnt the scale moved. i'm worried about looking disgusting after surgery. 
i'm worried about my mom coming here.. as irritable as i am now... i really cant stand my mom. i do want her to meet her granddaughter. but my mom is mentally ill, And has the beginning stages of alzheimers. and, i have so much baggage and pain that will never go away involving her.

and with frank.

and dita is crying constantly.

i quit smoking two months ago. and i cant eat. this is great. 

i'm just upset.

am i going to update this every day? possibly. i like to write. still rockin the liquid diet. yeah! i cant wait till tomorrow's over. then i will be halfway there! i can't believe i'm having surgery in 6 days!

then i get to tell everyone how easy it is to NOT eat cheeseburgers from mcdonalds at one month post op! or even, 10 months post op! in a perfect world, i'd love to never eat it again!
i'm still reeling from that. you know, i had to go through so much shit to get my surgery. prove to countless people that i was capable of handling the post op way of living and then i see people writing ignorant things like that and it just chaps my ass. yeah, i havent had surgery yet. so you're telling me that i need to have surgery to actually know whether or not i'm supposed to eat a fucking cheeseburger? or whether or not i'm supposed to attempt steak at a month out? or i should post every fucking hour about what i should be eating and when??

i'm just the type of person that soaks up as much information as possible. and it really irritates me to no end that someone would get handed surgery, and not have the slightest clue about any of it. 


anyhoo.
what ever.

i havent lost any weight yet. which amazes me. i know it's only been three days. but three days of 400 calories each? i've been drinking 2.2 litres of water and 1 litre of crystal light. that's  A LOT. isnt it? plus my shakes and soup and fiber drink. i suppose it isnt a big deal if i dont lose anything this week. as long as my liver shrinks and my stomach is sufficiently cleaned out. 

this is a cinche.

there's a commercial on PBS. 
"it's all how you look at it"

take care everyone.
xox.

it's going really well. yesterday i was even short a shake! i'm determined.
and fairly irritated. reading the michigan boards is pissing me off today. people are so fucking stupid! yes, i'm still pre op. but i still feel like i have the authority to voice my opinion on the fact that people shouldnt eat mcdonalds at one month post op! ugh! 

i'm determined to kick ass at this. and do this right. i'm a stickler. and one self righteous bitch. i'm a taurus. and fuck you if u wanna fuck up your chance. i'm not fucking up mine. 



i havent smoked in two months. i havent eaten FOOD in a day and a half. but this is going to be SO FUCKING WORTH IT. 

next monday, bitches. 

wait till you see my after pictures. mwahahahahahah

im glad that was over with. it was a very long day. it went by fast, but there's always a long wait for Dr. Minasian. i dont mind it though. 
the nurse who did my breathing test was really informative and kind. she gave me a spacer for my albuteral! we did like 5 different tests and she said she could tell i had sleep apnea because she saw my airways close up on the grid. it was crazy. she also did the ekg. that was easy.
had lots of blood drawn.
gave a urine sample. i was pretty impressed with the color. lol. it was a very light yellow. so, i must be fairly hydrated! i took in one of my wls books, "finding the thin person within" i reread over that in between naps.
the lady in the book did exactly what i'm doing. eating everything in sight. Dr. was not pleased that i've gained 12 pounds since March. i was working out and really watching what i was eating though then.. then i bridged my gym membership and gained the weight back. 250 is my normal weight though. sad to say.
i really like dr. minasian. some people really dont like him. i really do. i think he's very sweet, and funny and genuine. and i think he's good looking! and that dude has gotta be loaded. lol.

i got in my unjury unflavored protien today!! i also got in my 8 day diet. boy it looks intimidating. i'm looking forward to it though. happy to make myself quit fucking eating all this shit.
so i start my diet on the 10th. four more days! then after that surgery will be here in a second. i have a lot of projects around the house to do, organize cupboards, do serious cleaning, hopefully it will take my mind off food.

i've pulled a muscle in my right side. it hurts sooo badly. actually, most of the muscles in my body are sore for some reason. its pretty terrible. i dont know what's going on. i'm swelling up too. i was thinking it was advair. so i looked up side effects for it, and sure enough people were discussing these symptoms.. but i talked to dr. and he said no. and i better not stop using it because it would be dangerous before surgery. so i said okay.
i'll live with the muscle aches. but holy shit it feels like my side muscles are pulling away from my ribs. 
and i must've gained two inches around my belly and i'm walking like i'm fucking pregnant. it's just awful. i'm so fed up with myself. i feel bad for my sister for having to be here with me. because she's susceptable to my negative food behaviour and issues. and shes eating and  snacking and here we are just packing on the pounds, but she isnt getting surgery! i love her so much. i hate that our family has such food addictions. that whenever we get around eachother we just eat and eat and eat and eat! i mean way past the point of anything normal. the old family dynamics come into play and we sit down to dinner. and it's my fault. 
i'm looking forward to sunday. it will be hard. but amanda is going to take xenical, we are going to walk and keep ourselves busy and we're done with restaurants, candy, snacking.

i'm ready to be free of this. i feel so out of control. i dont care if i'm still coughing, if i still have this awful pulled muscle and body aches on top of the surgery pain. i'm ready to do this. fat sarah is no more. 

every time i see pictures of myself i'm just disgusted. because that's not how i see myself! when i look in the mirror, i think i look pretty most of the time. but when i see pictures... there i am.. all 250 pounds of me. hanging out, rolly polly. i've got a hump on my back of fat. my belly is way bigger than the rest of my body. i just cant believe it's me. and now lately, it's uncomfortable to walk. right now, i'm sitting here. and i feel my stomach stretching out, like i'mg etting new stretch marks. i'm disgusted with myself. i rarely wear makeup anymore.

there are so many inspirational women on this site. i've been fortunate enough to befriend them! i cant imagine what it would really be like to lose 100+ pounds. i mean, it's overwhelming to me (in a positive way) to consider the fact that i've been given the opportunity for a new life. i'm sure i'.l still have body issues.. because i'm a horrible perfectionist :) but you know what? i'm sure i wont look that bad, in terms of skin.. i'll be thin???? i've spend my entire life over weight. i mean, obese!! FAT. i've never been a normal weight. when my mom finally let us wear jeans instead of home made dresses.. my first pair of jeans was a mens size 36 waist. and i was 12 years old.
i've always wanted to be thin. i've always dreamed about it. my entire life. since i was a little girl.. i've said.. "when i get skinny, i'm gonna............"

so now, at 26. i get to start living my life. i'm not scared. surprisingly. maybe i'll be scared when i get there. i'm just kind of going with the flow for now. 

i'm still in awe that this has worked out for me. i'm still in disbelief that they arent going to call and cancel on me. i'm truly greatful and thankful that my life has taken such a wonderful turn for the better. i have my gorgeous daughter Dita.. and now, i have yet another gift.. June 18th!! 

i will take full advantage of this opportunity.

i feel so good, i'm ordering stuff for my bariatric cupboard. i ordered an eight week supply of Vista Vitamins. they're supposed to be the best on the market. they were 85 bucks. eek. they're chewable! and i ordered two large containers of unflavored UNjury protien powder. i've heard good stuff about unjury. 
i hope i like it!

i'm waiting on my ultimate chopper/blender to be shipped. it better get here soon!

oh yeah, i ordered my eight day pre-op diet too. way earlier than i need to. but i wanted to have it here.

i keep rereading the Hurley pakcet and instruction. i'm really hoping my sister will stay with me for at least three weeks after surgery. i'm going to offer her a few hundred dollars i think. i'm getting scared about post surgery complications. i'm not supposed to lift more than 5 pounds for six weeks!! my baby is 20 pounds. sooo..
i'm sure nobody goes by the full 6 weeks.. so, hopefully at least three..

i'm going to have weight loss surgery! wow. the reality of all the work it's going to take to succeed is starting to set in. 
i've never been great at taking care of myself. so i want to chart my fluids and protien and suppliments. i bought the best suppliments.. mainly, i need all the energy i can get, And, i need to ward off the hair loss!!
i want to make this work.

i'm sure it will work out just fine. everything has gone well so far. much better than i have expected! Thankyou Jesus.

I went to the nutrition and nursing class this morning. It was pretty imformative. I got a Hurley Bariatric bag with a binder full of step by step information.
my friend Kim came with me.
i got the number to call to get my pre surgery liquid diet. i only have to do that for eight days. i thought it was 14. eight will be hard enough i'm sure.
right after surgery we go to full liquids, so that's cool! 
im getting nervous about my pre assessment testing. my asthma isnt controlled. i'm coughing really hard and still having some occassional wheezing. and my windpipes are enflamed, i can feel it. 
nobody seems to think it's a big deal though, so i guess i'll downplay it? i dont know. i use my inhalers religiously and take my medicines. 
i'm sure i'm just worrying about nothing. a week till preops.  18 days to surgery. 

my medicines make me swell up like a big fat sausage. it sucks.
i want to call my dr. i'm hesitant though.

can you effing believe it?! i have it written all sloppily on a piece of paper next to me and it doesnt even look real! June 18th 7:30 am. have to be at the hospital at 5:30!
pre admission testing June 6th at 8:30.


i am in shock! i've called everyone. i want to call more people.  people i dont even know. 
life is very good. life is going to get so much better. God is so good. i havent thanked him yet. THANKYOU GOD!!

ME? going to be thin and healthy? really? me under 200 pounds? wow.

oooooooookay. i talked to Renee today. she said that they recieved my therapists notes.. but the clinician that needs to look over them is out of the office and wont be in until wednesday.. so i Should be hearing something then. 

yeah, i'll probably be hearing that my notes didnt talk about weight loss surgery and that i have to redo the eight sessions... this is such shit.

This is Such Shit.

my sister is here. she's staying with her husband at his parents house for a week.. then she is going to stay here for like three weeks! that will be very cool. if i have to redo the eight sessions maybe i can get my therapist to see my twice a week. maybe, every day! haha..         

hurley is such a joke. no, apparently I'M the joke. 
but, i continue to be very polite and do what they ask. and not stick up for myself.. because i've learned that sticking up for myself just gets me in trouble!

so now i'm going to have to educate my therapist about wls. yay. i'll bring in my books and read her passages i guess. 

that's all for now. i'll update wednesday.

yup, i'm gonna be 26 tomorrow! my gorgeous friend Rick is coming over tomorrow. we're gonna watch movies and maybe go have some drinks. Dita's dad is coming to get her for a while, so that will be nice for a bit.
i've got a lot of cleaning to do! i was totally preoccupied with worries of not getting the surgery i've let the house go to hell.. (okay, it's not that bad) but. gotta have it spotless for Ricky! 
i bought a new blouse. i hadnt gotten any new clothes because i was like. pfft. i'm gonna be so skinny soon! but, i didnt wanna be busting out of my clothes.. i've put on a few pounds recently. (damn those burritos!) so i'm going to wear that, with my obligatory rockabilly jeans.
hopefully i'll feel cute.

my sister is coming up from alabama with her husband on the 17th! hot diggity! he's going back the 22nd and amanda will stay with me until she decides to drive back with her mother in law.. hah! she's thinking about three weeks. originally, my surgery was the reason they were coming up in the first place. but,  it will be very nice to see her and she really misses Dita. And, we can do stuff to take my mind off everything, hopefully.

I am NOT calling Hurley anymore. I asked why they wanted my records and the answer I got really didnt ease my mind, so there really isnt anything else they can say. I will wait. 
My friend Kim, totally gave up on the idea that they would be able to get the new house they had applied for.. completely put it out of her mind and continued on with her life. and out of no where, she got the call saying to come down and get the keys. 
I'm hoping something like that will happen to me.

Well, i've gotta get in the shower. give my self a couple facials to get these damn pores closed up. ugh! do my nails... did i mention Rick is a cutie? and he's oh such a gentleman. 
he called me Kiddo, yesterday though. so....................... i'm pretty sure that means we are strictly platonic forever. but, i do enjoy my crushes! it makes the days go by, ya know.

keeping my chin up,
Sarah