LisaK/ UnstapledLisa

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Me thinking with my picc line placement tomorrow and being exactly 3 months to the day post op open reversal today, spending last Thursday, my 41st birthday waiting all day to have an endoscopy and not being able to have one because 3 people tried 5 different times to get an iv in me and couldn't ,kinda sucks...
Me laughed my butt off yesterday(yesterday being the 6th, had my sx 12-5-01) when getting a Happy 9th Anniversary email from OH that was semi personalized to know I was a senior graduate post op, and that I participate on here, and thank you for sharing and being supportive of other people's journies was hilarious. Actually I am supportive of those as an anti-wls advocate who I encounter, share my story with and still elect to have the surgery anyways.....
    If you elect to have wls, please read all different types of opinions and do a lot of research. I still did that, knew from friends experiences and working for a health insurance company what to expect but you never know what it's going to be like for YOU, until you are on the other side. If I had a crystal ball I would never ever have done this to myself, EVER. But at least because I did, and I have a brilliant kind nationally recognized surgeon is the reason why I am still here. But both of us have lost all patience with each other, my non compliance is part to blame so is the nature of the surgery. I know way too many people who have been far more non compliant and have had no complications, and I know people who were completely compliant from day 1 and had their lives ruined if they were able to keep them.

Was in ER last Thursday. They treated me like I thought they would, which was like an unstable drug seeking hypochondriac..Which believe it or not, I am not.  After having unusual and severe abdominal pain that hasn't seemed right and not the norm related to my actually surgery for weeks, having migraines that wont go away they sent me home. Friday I made an appointment with my surgeon's nurse practioner, because I couldnt get in with my surgeon until January, as I know I am the point where I am going to die from something stupid, because they don't take me seriously. I had an appointment today with her, and I got admitted...The fact that I fainted yesterday and was hyperemetic during the appointment probably drove home that I wasn't faking anything and I wasn't going to get better without medical intervention....
            I am not the easiest patient in the world or the most compliant, but I know when I need to be in acute care setting. Sometimes you have to fight for good health care, but as I have said before, things get ugly for me, physically when I am not taken seriously. I feel so old, I am so sick of feeling sick and being in this much pain... :(

I am very frusturated right now. I am home a lot because of having high pain levels and not feeling well. The best way I find to distract myself but feel like I am doing something useful is by posting on different groups and forums I belong on in the internet. 
           I have always been very wordy. But as I get older and my complications keep growing, intellectually it's impaired me quite drastically. Especially on FB where I have friends who are bloggers, I see how they are able to effectively communicate. I don't have the ability to write anything that isn't unfortunately a minimum of 13,000 words long, has mispelling of words, my english usage overall is atrocious and is a huge factor in my ability to get across a message that might be helpful if it didn't make people's eyes bleed and their brains explode by trying to read and interpret it. If I don't say something the minute I think about it, I forget. I overly communicate, because somehow in my head, if I don't give a back story of the why's of I feel the way I do do about something, my reactions or behavior will make even less sense then my postings do. 
            I am getting to the point, where I don't want to say anything anymore. I don't want to antagonize friends on social network sites because it is too hard for other people to read what I write because it's so hard for me to effectively communicate my point. I have some memory issues, I had that tested 2 years ago, but my brain feels like a modem that has battery acid splotches. I taught myself how to read when I read before I was 2 years old. At the age of 5 I was reading dictionaries and encyclopedias. By the time I was in the 4th grade I had a college level vocabulary. 
             I need more testing, this I know. I know intuitively, something is very off with me, neurologically. It's been bad enough trying to deal and barely manage my physical and emotional disabilities. To be intellectually declining and disabled, because I am so limited as it is, to think of becoming even more disabled, is terrifying.  
           

I have healed from surgery, but I don't feel any better, I didn't think I would be running marathons and being ready to launch my business or most importantly get my kids back, but most days I am too tired to do anything and this is coming from someone who when they would blow their daily iv, 2 days after their surgery actually walked 7 blocks to the store with an ng tube in her nose to get more cigarettes(don't try this at home kids, my non compliance while makes sense with my particular array of complications,makes more sense specifically to me, I am lucky I didn't collapse multiple times and no, I know I shouldn't smoke,my doctors however aren't puzzled and actually reasonable not concerned by my behavior after numerous times of seeing how oddly I malabsorb.metabolize and am allergic to so many  meds, iv meds make me very sick or don't work at all,etc) I am at this point though I fought this hard, to do advocacy for myself, I owe it to my kids and other people who have suffered with similar issues that I have not to give up so I can make it up to those I love and who have been supportive of me, and hopefully help other people with their struggles both medically and psychologically. So I am going to making a boatload of appointments in the next couple of days with specialists. I have proven unfortunately to my doctors that they need to take me seriously, I have a proven history of responding physically with health issues that are founded, when given attention to(and that fester when not given attention to) I just don't feel right. And I am sick of being sick..

    I have talked about in my blog about having my reversal and also having both severe physical and emotional struggles since my bypass. What I have not mentioned was my suicide attempt in 8-2008 because by then I was so severely physically and emotionally incapicated for 4 years by then I could no longer function. I gave up custody of my kids to my parents and took and ungodly amount of narcotics hoping I would go unconcious, have a heart attack and die. The only reason why I am still here to write about it is because I malabsorb things so greatly I can't take enough drugs if I want to peacefully o'd to die, which is good because even though I am in more physical pain then ever, and I have been since my suicide attempt dianosed with bipolar 2 and I have severe manic depression, I have gotten progressively sicker and because I still malabsorb and metabolize medications so bizarrely, it's very hard to control my physical and emotional pain.
           I decided to start "coming out" publically talking about my suicide attempt on the internet because I have a FB friend and a popular OH member who got nailed when posting an article about the increased risk of suicide in those post wls. Preops and newbies, understandable don't want to hear the bad stuff, but you know what, YOU NEED TO.... 
             For those when that article got posted on here, and gave Beth a hard time, others have started to admit their emotional struggles. In my case at the time I started getting sick, I had gone from 2 1/2 years post op to being a 9/10 and started a love of exercise, I could eat pretty much what I wanted, was able to get extremely physically fit and was able to control depression with exercise and was a size 4-6 , I no longer had to push the envelop with eating, as I had out ate the effectivenss of my rny a long time ago, and I no longer ate as a coping mechanism. I had started planning on launching my own business as a Certified Personal Trainer who wanted to specialize in Bariatrics and be a Bariatric Motivational Coach. Even when I was thin, I was struggled with how fat phobic our society was, especially I find it repugnant the fat phobia that goes on here with those who are formerly fat. I wasn't planning on trying to sell being thin to people, I did find and thought it could help others, to exercise or do some form of concentrated movement.
              A lot of people do get really depressed after surgery, some of it because they lose their ability to eat as a coping mechanism that however wasn't my issue. Mine was my pain was progressively getting so bad physically that emotionally I started detoriating as well. By the time I got my certification in 2005 I was too sick to work. A year later I was applying for SSDI late 2006, 2007 I started really declining, and by the time 2008 hit I could no longer function and because I have 2 children I love more than anything I felt the best thing for everyone, including myself because I malabsorb and metabolize medications so poorly that everyone would be better off if I was dead. Not realizing that I malabsorb so great I couldn't take enough medications to kill myself I tried to o'd. I just wanted to die peacefully, I gave up custody of my kids, 8-2008 and tried to commit suicide, I nearly got committed to a state mental hospital instead I ended up in group homes for 15 months. 
            I spent the rest of 2008 and 2009 in group homes until I finally got back pay and I was able to move out on my own the first of this year. 2 weeks later I am back in the hospital again due to complications(my ulcers again). My hospitalization was so bad, that even though I was in so much physical pain this year, I didn't go back again until the beginning of this summer, which was good because my ulcers which are large and I grew more of them since January started to bleed. I had 3 hosp this summer before I was finally reversed 3 1/2 weeks ago. I been in the hospital now 15 times medically since my rny. While I had a history of depression and being eating disordered, I was not suicidal and I had no major psych diagnosies. 
               My situation is unique and its also not so unique. I had my surgery because we live in society that hates fat people and a lot of us internalize it and I thought it was the norm to hate me for that reason too. I have done everything I could to get thin, by the time I elected to have my gastric bypass. I had no comorbidities due to obesity, however they found a liver mass in the middle of  my liver that while non cancerous could have developed if it grew to burst and I could have internally bled to death. Now I have to worry about developing gi bleeds. I have conditions both prior (such as migraines) to surgery and now huge ulcers, reactive hypoglycemia,severe anemia,  fibro, complex/chronic pain syndrome and need to be tested for MS in addition to gaining 90 bs from 2007-2009). I have bipolar 2 and severe depression. I wasn't bipolar prior to my surgery, I think as well as my doctors that I transitioned to that because my emotional health got so bad. Even though I had a suicide attempt with narcotics, I am not considered cross addicted. I don't habitually use or abuse medication, only doing it when I was in a crisis state. However because I sitll malabsorb and metabolize meds so bizarrely that while most of weight gain was due to being on psych meds because they make you so food obsessed and I was on such a large quantity. 
             Will what happened to me happen to you. Most likely not. Are the chances of you coming out of a rny without any complications, no crossaddictions, and no moderate to major weight gain as a senior post op, NOT VERY LIKELY... This isn't being said because I wish anyone harm. its being said because the rose colored glasses need to come off in this community. Only very few people have wls 8+ years out have no complications, no cross addictions, have kept off the majority of their weight and do not have to spend all their time micromanaging their weight loss. Truth is people do lose lots of weight and keep it off without surgery. They aren't privy to anything more then we are for those of us who chose to have the surgery and it is difficult to lose weight either way. Too many people one way or the other are paying a higher price then they could have ever dreamed of, by having wls.If I would have known 9 years ago now, I would have never done this...There shouldn't be a size or weight requirement for self love and respect, and people of all sizes can be healthy. For those who do truly have Obesity related health issues there is a better and more safer way to lose weight then to surgically alter your digestive system...

I needed to clarify something with my blog. While I still feel the need for advocacy with my anti-wls stance, I have to be clear I should have never had the surgery. I lied about my eating disordered history. For someone who ran the risk of ending up with catastrophic/fatal complications, the surgery isn't all to blame, but it has some part. I am not a doctor, although I think the medical community is really messed up on being so obsessed with obesity and the utilization of restrictive caloric intakes that more studies need to be done to show how unhealthy we are because of our obsession with the external and internal issues that come with being fat. I titled this blog because I hope because there is so few stories about having a reversal and my circumstances are different then most that people will be able to find it if they google for reversal information.

Unfortunately for me while I knew having a reversal would be invasive, I didn't quite know how much so because I ended up getting admitted at the end of July when I had my appointment to discuss my reversal so by the time I got discharged and on the schedule, I didn't know what really to expect because there isn't that much information on the internet of what to expect.
         Bowel prep was similar to having my rny almost 9 years ago. Because it was lap, and my reversal was open didn't know what much to expect having surgery open. I wouldn't change anything I can tell you it hurts like hell still although my incision isn't as large as I thought it would be it from chest to top of my belly button. Because I am one of those rare reversal cases where I am malnourished but not underweight and I have a lot of visceral fat, I not only have pain from the surgery internally but the incision hurts like hell. No staples thank god for dermabond... I spent most of the time in the hospital which I was in for 6 days up wandering around(my hospital actually allows you to leave the floor/building to go outside and smoke, and I am stupid enough to do that starting 8 hours post op and I was in surgery for 5 hours, one of my not so brilliant moves but then I am the patient from hell, well the nurses and actually the residents this time normally love me because as whiny as I am, I am just so darn spunky and funny......
          I had an NG tube from Tuesday to Saturday they however would not let me drink anything until the next day. Cause I am not so compliant plus I am zipping around the hospital most of the time bat shit crazy from the pain, I kinda found something to drink and eat(which you aren't allowed to do for 2 weeks after surgery, eating that is, its liquids only) I was compliant til the NG tube came out, then they said I still couldn't drink anything til the next day that's probably why I lost it and was on the liquid and food search which isn't that hard in a hospital as big as the University of Minnesota. Having NG tube for me  was  like having a rubber diaper stuck up your nose, a knife in your ear and sanddpaper rubbing up and down my throat. Because in a compazene coma at the end of June when I was in the hospital I had something irritating my arm and ripped it out and it was my iv, and I kind of got blood everywhere, part of me was afraid to sleep because I was afraid I would yank out all my tubing. Coming out of surgery I had the NG tube, iv's, cath, oximeter gauge taped to my finger and neumo boots. Because I am a wanderer I got to lose the boots 10 hours after my surgery as it was obvious I wasn't gonna throw a clot from being inactive (i still had to have a daily shot of lovenox, in my stomach because I apparently my stomach hadn't gone through enough trauma(actually that's where they have to do the shots, if ya cant tell I am kinda of a drama queen.)
        They discharged me yesterday, because of my doing "so well". I dont know how well you could define that as I was blowing iv's everyday, and by yesterday they couldn't get another iv in me or get blood from me I was that dehydrated, I however being as non compliant as I am, was more of a liability to them in the hospital then not. I have a lot of spunk though as whiny as I am, I knew pretty much when I was at the risk of collapsing because sure enough everytime I laid down, I was out for a couple of hours... I started getting really sick from the dilaudid 2days post op, first 24 hours was just itching everywhere (i dont break into hives when having an allergic reaction) Benadryl didn't work and neither did Vistril. Then the migraines and nausea(never threw up though at times I thought I would )my body just wouldn't let me_ were so bad until yesterday. Because I metabolize pain medication the few I can take so strangely it is very hard to do pain management on me, I ended up getting so sick on Dilaudid that I should have been on Morphine which makes me really sick right away though. They basically sent me home with a bottle of liquid vicodin and a good luck....
        Yesterday and Today because I am at home and I live alone, I have been more low key, as its one thing to risk collapsing on a hospital campus vs in my apt or on the grounds of where I live. Because prior to my surgery it was impossible with the ulcers to absorb and metabolize medications and nutrients, I was malnourished even with such a large weight gain, that as much pain as I am in, I look at it as the means to an end that I won't always feel this bad because unfortunately the last 6 years I am all used to abdominal pain,fibro, chronic pain syndrome and migraines.I am lucky though, for as much pain as I have been in, I am not catastrophically ill but I was detoriating mentally and physically to the point where having a reversal was not an option but a necessity to save my life. I can only hope that it will going forward and improve the qualify of it, I don't expect the reversal to undo decades of damage to myself.
          I am this honest for a lot of reasons, I am not the most compliant patient in the world obviously, and most people aren't as hardcore as I am. I have obviously a foundation now for being anti-wls and anti dieting and a size acceptance advocate. Because I am seeing a lot of patients with rny,bpd and ds with auto immune and neurological disorders in addition to digestive issues  is why I am becoming an "armchair advocate" on the dangers wls, especially the ones that cause malabsorbtion. I don't know much about the sleeve, it kinda of scares me and I have gotten in fights with sleevers on my concern that it isn't reversable, at least the lap band has risks (as my roomate the 1st night in the hospital she was there to have her band taken off as it would keep slipping and it started adhering to her liver, my reversal of the rny was much more invasive though, she had she had not health issues could have gone home the same day) but it doesnt have the malabsorbtion factor and it is reversable unlike the sleeve where i think they remove like 85% of your stomach...What scares me is the sleeve is being used initially as part of 2 part surgical process on the super morbidly obese, who may not be able to withstand a rny initially, I havent been able to research that much data on patients with complications but part of the reason for that may be its because its so new.
                 I don't fault anyone for wanting to have wls, nor is it the easy way out. One of my best friends is a graduate rny post op who has kept off 100% of her excess weight with some issues but otherwise has  no regrets,and feels its the best thing to happen to her  and more power to her, I respect her and anyone's right to feel that way, I don't say what I do out of jealous, I got thinner then most people did without plastics and I have lost over half of the regain this year without dieting. I however have not met a graduate post op without any complications, any crossaddictions and or moderate to major weight gain. So if you are thinking about the surgery think very carefully. Some do beautifully who have the traditional comorbidities of obesity, sleep apnea, diabetes and high blood pressure. But a lot of us have it because we hate being fat in a world that hates us being fat. And we run the risk of ending up with complications after surgery that are greater than untreated obesity. No one is posting before and afters of their cholestrol levels they are posting of what they look like, which it's ok to want to look and feel your best. Just realize with weight loss surgery you can end up with complications that your body such as in my case can't be treated with conventional medications. Did I play a part in my ending up this sick, yeah. But that's like saying to someone with lung cancer who smoked "well ya deserved it". I am not expecting violins and roses when people here my story, but at least appreciate the time and effort and the concern behind it.

Avatar at my smallest in 2005, uploaded pic of me in red dress taken 2 weeks ago...I have been a before,after,before and now I am am "in between" LOL....