Question:
I'm 8 months postop, down over 100 pounds, and I sense a different
emotional feeling from my husband--almost a distance which was not there before. I would think it would be just the opposite--I'm more "normal" looking, can do more, feel better about myself, etc. Anyone else have this problem? — [Anonymous] (posted on March 6, 2000)
March 6, 2000
Well, now that Ava Lee said everything I would have said....LOL...I just
have one thing to add. If your partner is also overweight, (and this can
go for anyone such as a parent, friend, child, whomever), the fact that YOU
are losing weight may make them feel that it's not OK for them to be heavy
anymore. If there are 10 of us in a family, and we're all overweight, then
it's OK for all of us to eat whatever we want and/or to stay heave, right?
But if one of the 10 gets skinny, everyone is forced to reevaluate
themselves, their relationship to the skinny one, their relationships to
the other heavy ones, their relationship to the 'world', etc. It's not
always evident to people that they are having these feelings. Our weight
is our insulation, in more ways than one. One of my favorite sayings is
that we need to peel the onion, cry the tears as we work through the
layers, and find out what's in the center of that onion! Good luck, and
God bless! Jaye Carl, open proximal RNY 7-29-99, 95 pounds gone forever!
— Jaye C.
March 6, 2000
I wonder if the new you (loss of weight)is threatening to him as
far as your wants and desires especially if he also is heavy. Discuss
those fears with him... Maybe he feels you will get so attractive
you will not want him any longer and look else where, he may have been
comfortable with the old you. (bare foot and pregnant syndrome) Discuss
the fears with him also, reassuring him however possible... Then again
some men like heavy women..My husband did still does.. umm too bad.. he'll
get used to the new me.. ;-)
— Victoria B.
March 6, 2000
Although I'm still preop, I'm looking forward to reading the responses from
the post-ops. I am widowed and wonder how I will deal with all the male
attention I will reecive in the future. I have heard "such a pretty
face" my whole life, but I don't want to prejudge the actions of
others. For example, I have a few single male friends whom I have known
20+ years. They know about my surgery and are supportive. What if one of
these friends shows a romantic/physical attraction to me down the road? I
don't think it would be very fair to automatically judge them as being
shallow when I know how deeply they care for and have cared about me as a
person. Maybe that doesn't make sense. And I apologize for infringing on
your question. Ava and Jaye have offered some excellent responses.
Perhaps your husband is just insecure about the new you and needs some
reaffirmation of love and comittment. Best of luck to the two of you!
— [Deactivated Member]
June 15, 2000
I'd like to comment but don't know that you will like my answer. I have
been both 20 pounds over ideal weight and now clinically obese. I have been
seeing a psycologist for many years to aide me in dealing with many
emotional issues. One of the reasons your husband has turned a cold
shoulder is due to insecurity. All this time he has felt secure in thinking
that due to your obesity you could not or would not be "going
anywhere". Now that you have a chance at a "normal" life he
is afraid of what the future may hold for HIM,,,not you..A healthy
relationship in my opinion should also contain devotion,,devoted to one
anothers health should be on that list of priorties. At the very onset of
looking into WLS and asking if it was right for "YOU",,,not
anyone else.My appt with my surgeon is in 4 days. I am told that the
question of "Who am I wanting the surgery for" will be asked me.
If I lie to him,,,I lie to myself..I think you need to ask yourself that
question.If you answer for "yourself" then do it and let them
deal with it themselves then deal with it together.I am a mother of 4 and
grammy to 5,,,,it is "MY" turn to think about
myself..."ACCEPT ME AS I AM AND HOW I WANT TO BE"....
I deserve to have a HEALTHY,HAPPY life...Not one of pity~~
— Violet K.
June 15, 2000
You betcha! I've always had my suspicions that my husband's disinterest in
me
had nothing to do with my weight (back in my anorectic days, when I weighed
127 pounds
and we'd been married for less than a year, he wasn't exactly chasing me
around
the house), and now that I'm almost 9 weeks post-op and 60 pounds lighter,
it seems to be the
case. Oh, well -- I didn't have this surgery for him, I had it for me, so
there! If he doesn't
find me attractive anymore, his loss, not mine, and I'll cross that bridge
when I get to it. But it
does hurt, still ... when I asked him if he was proud of me for losing 60
pounds in 56 days, he said, "sure, but it's
not like you don't have a hell of a lot more to go". MEN! Courage,
my sister, you are doing
the right thing!!!
— Cheryl Denomy
August 10, 2001
No one here has mentioned marriage counseling. This may not be a BIG
problem, but the littlest problems can turn into things that can damage a
marriage. It wouldn't hurt to try some counseling. I would hate to think
I'm risking my marriage just because I wanted to lose some weight. Good
luck!
— Pamula T.
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