Question:
my mother in law is jealous!
has anyone else ever had a problem with a family member being jeaolus..i'm only one week post op but i started losing before surgery.. and my mother in law was "so happy for me " but i can tell in her voice she was jealous also shes over weight but can never stick to a diet long enough to lose any weight..should i be happy about it in front of her? — liz S. (posted on January 7, 2005)
January 6, 2005
Your mother-in-law is in charge of her own healthcare, just as you are in
charge of yours. You shouldn't expect to be able to hide your happiness in
your accomplishments if she's doing nothing to help herself. If she's your
mother-in-law, you definitely cannot hide from her or hide the changes that
she is evidently going to witness for herself. You'd make yourself
miserable.
Why don't you try getting her to get out walking with you or doing some
things together. Even if she doesn't have surgery, she will benefit from
the extra activity and she will be playing a part in helping you to regain
your health as well as you helping her in return. Granted you don't have
to mention your having had surgery to her all the time. She already knows
you did that, so just don't mention it to her. But after surgery, you
still have to learn to develop skills to keep the weight coming off and to
develop healthier habits. This is something the two of you can do
together.
— SnowWhiteDove459
January 6, 2005
When I was pre-op, my MO MIL lost a bunch of weight with WW. EVERY time I
saw her, she went ON and ON about her weight loss and I was really jealous,
although I'd smile and congratulate her. (She sadly gained it all back by
the way). Should I have been a better person and not felt any jealousy?
Sure. Should I have been happy for her? Yes, and I was happy for her, but
also jealous and my perception (not the reality I'm sure) was that she was
"showing off" or something (look at how great I am... I'm losing
weight and you're not). This was just my insecure projection, but why was
she going on and on and on???? :-) Should I have used her weight loss to
encourage me to do the same thing? Well, I did try WW, but it didn't work
for me. Anywho, I remember that feeling, so as I was losing, I didn't
bring the subject up around my MIL. If she asked, I'd tell, but I tried to
be considerate of her feelings. You obviously won't be able to
"hide" your success, but you can choose to be considerate of how
she feels.
— mom2jtx3
January 6, 2005
I think it's VERY common for people to be jealous. I remember how I used to
feel when someone would lose a bunch of weight........it was more envy than
jealousy though. I have some people in my life who were always smaller
than I was and they were EXTREMELY supportive and inquisitive until I
passed them and became the smaller one. After that, they seldom ever
mention it and if they do, I can hear the envy and see it in their faces.
So I try to be very considerate of their feelings and never mention it
unless they mention it first. They know I'm happy about it anyway so I
don't have to hide my feelings, I just don't feel like I need to talk about
it a lot. I have family members too who are envious so I don't say
anything about it in front of them unless they ask. I just try to remember
how I used to feel when the shoe was on the other foot so to speak.
— scbabe
January 7, 2005
I have been the jealous one. My sister-in-law lost a lot of weight several
years ago, and although I was green with envy, I was also very happy for
her. She would go on and on about it, replaying every compliment she ever
got. She also told me that she had saved her "fat" clothes for
me, and to come on over and get them (I never could suck up my pride enough
to do so). When I asked her how she lost her weight, she said that she had
simply cut out a candy bar at lunch. Yeah right...it was like she had lost
70 lbs. in 10 weeks (I'm positive it wasn't surgery).
Anyway, from that experience, I've tried to be considerate of how others
feel. For instance, rather than offering up my "fat" clothes to
someone, I'll be conveniently lugging my latest "closet purgings"
out to the car in bags to take to the women's shelter when an overweight
friend or family member comes over (I don't ever refer to them as
"fat" clothes). Nine times out of ten they'll want to go through
the bags before they're carted off.
As for my SiL, she has gained all of her weight back. I have barely talked
about my 100-lb weight loss with her. When she mentions how great I look, I
simply thank her, and then change the subject, as I do with everyone thin
or overweight. I just don't feel comfortable getting into extended
conversations about it... Additionally, other than being here and getting
support for weight maintenance, I'm really trying to put my overwieght days
and WLS behind me. I really don't like it to be a focus in my relationships
with other people.
— Le P.
January 7, 2005
I would be happy about it, but not to the extent of making someone feel
bad, which doesn't seem to be what you are doing. I think many people
focus in on how we look rather than why we actually did this, for our
health. I think you MIL may be envious, because she too would like to lose
weight and keep it off, I mean who doesn't? If you look at her as someone
one who like you just wants to be thin and healthy too, just hasn't gotten
to where you have, her comments won't affect you so much. We have all went
though that envy of someone. I know that when I was waiting for my
insurance approval I was envious of others that did have the surgery. It
wasn't that I wasn't happy for them, I just wanted it too. My approach is
when people make comments about me looking better, etc, I just switch the
subject to my health, and how I did this for my health, not to look like
Barbie. As far as one of the posters who said she had a relative that made
comments about her fat clothes, and trying to give them to her, that is
just ignorant. Anyone that makes those types of comments is trying to make
people envious, and make them feel bad about themselves. I in a million
years would never say that to someone, and people like that need to
remember where they used to be, obese. Good luck to you, don't let your
MIL envy bother you, she probably is happy for you, but like I said she
wants to be thin too.
— Carey N.
January 7, 2005
When I was about 2 years post-op, I went to visit my family. They had not
seen me since before the surgery. When I walked in, my sister, who had
always been the smaller one burst into tears and proceeded to cry off and
on all day. Jealousy is a common human emotion. Just let 'em work through
it and realize it's just common human emotions.
— Cathy S.
January 7, 2005
I agree with the others and remember when I was envious of others who were
normal weighted while I strugged with weight loss. I can rmember being in
the grocery store and seeing normal weighted women with ice cream and
cookies in their carts and no one stared at them. You will be going thru
some amazing changes over the next year and you cannot control your MIL's
emotions. Just try to remain considerate and understand its got nothing to
do with you, its her issue to deal with. On the other hand, at family
events, tactfully changing the subject away from your weight loss in front
of your MIL would be a good thing to spare her feelings.
— Cindy R.
January 7, 2005
I too remember the days of frustration when someone else could lose weight
and I couldnt lose. Or if I did lose I was afraid I'd gain it back and I
always did and usually an extra 20 or 30 lbs too. I'm still afraid of
gaining back the 135 I've lost, it just seems like I'm dreaming and someday
I'll wake up and be back in a size 34. ...anyways jealousy is very
destructive. Be proud of who you are who you've become and what you've
accomplish but always try to take in consideration the feelings of others.
I have some problems with very close relatives, its like a cold war
sometimes. I find myself praying no one will say anything about my weight
loss because I know it upsets them. They have yet to say I look good or
how much have you lost. I've learned to accept it. It breaks my heart
sometimes when I hear post ops refer to their fat clothes or how awful they
looked...I guess I remember most how tired I was and how much I ached all
over. So many post ops are caught up in their great bodies now especially
after plastic surgery. Its great to be proud of yourself but I feel
sometimes they should remember the days of being fat and maybe forgive
themselves for being in that condition.
— debmi
January 7, 2005
Hi There, When I had my surgery 2 1/2 years ago, my overweight sister
initially thought I was crazy, tried to talk me out of it...comments like;
"can't you just go to Jenny Craig or something?" ...then after I
had lost a lot of weight, we went shopping together at the Mall and when we
went to SEARS...the "PLUS" size clothes were upstairs and the
"Regular" clothes were downstairs. She started up the escalator
and I said, "oh, ummm, my stuff is down here" and she gave me a
look of disgust and said "well I guess that ends out shopping
together!" and proceeded up the escalator. She has since made numerous
comments about how she had to lose weight "the hard way" and kept
asking me how unhealthy or dangerous my status was... I found the best way
to handle it was to ignore the weight loss and focus on other things we
still had in common. Jealousy is an insecurity and resentment will be
nurtured if you boast of your great feat of weight loss. It is something
your mother in law has no option on (by choice or by lack of insurance
coverage or courage), so downplay your weight and keep the conversation on
HER interests is my advice. We cannot control what other people do to us or
say to us, but we CAN control how we react and what we say to them. Best of
luck to you on your journey! :0) Kathy A
— Kathy A C.
January 7, 2005
You cannot control another person's feelings, but you can control your
actions. i have a hard time not talking aobut the surgery to anyone who
will listen. It has had a fantastic effect on my life. I have one my best
to learn to not say anything until asked. I also think it is important to
make a point of noticing if someone is having a hard time with it and
compliment them on their appearance, notice a new outfit, complimentary
color, hair do etc.
— **willow**
January 8, 2005
I too know how you feel. I have lost weight so many times and put it back
on because it was easier to eat around everyone else and get along than to
be different. I can remember the first time I joined Weight Watchers, my
first husbands mother was so jealous. She could make the best homemade
buscuits I had ever tasted. Well we went to her house after that first
meeting, I told her that I had joined W.W. and immediately she got up went
to the kitchen and made a batch of buscuits and gravy. And of course I ate
them. That was not her fault, but she did it every time. She would say
"oh this one time won't hurt you you can get back on it tomorrow.
Well tomorrow came and went every day. It was always the same thing till
it became a habit that I would say I'll eat today and diet tomorrow. dMy
mom was the same way. She always tells me how fat I am and that I need to
lose that fat. But let me lose that fat and she can't stand it. I remember
one time I had lost 98 lbs. and had gotten a sun tan and I looked pretty
good and dI bought this beautiful halter top. Her family came in for a
reunion and dI was going to wear that top and she went to the same store
and bought the same top and wore it also. I wanted to crawl into a key
hole. I was so embarrassed. Sometimes you have to ignore others is what I
have learned. Life is too short to have to worry all the time about
hurting someones feelings and not be able to feel the satisfaction of how
hard we have worked to get the weight off and sometimes the great risks we
have to take to get the right tools to make it possible. I think that is
one thing that God gave us as being overweight people is a sensitivity of
others feelings that other "normal" sized people do not have.
Relax, feel free to enjoy your great loss and your journey to get to where
you are. Don't let anyone take away your glory becaus you have risked your
life to attain it. Maybe in my old age I am getting hard I don't know.
Judy Morris
— Judy 52
January 8, 2005
You know, funny you should ask. For 10 yrs, I have curtailed my happiness
in front of my DIL. She did/did not/did/did not want surgery over the
years, but did not have the right insurance, so it was a moot issue. I
always wore the looser of my clothes and never said too much. And if you
knew me, you'd know that is pretty close to impossible for ME! But she
finally had surgery 11/04, so I will restrain myself til she reaches a
normal wt. Obviously, I couldn't hide the loss of 150#, but I just never
did the happy dance with her around or shared the actual steps. She saw,
she did not comment. But NOW, I know she is modeling her behavior after me.
Man, I hope she only does the good stuff and missed all the dumb stuff!
LOL!
— vitalady
January 9, 2005
I have not talked about my weightloss due to the fact that I though or
think it hurts others feeling when they are strugling with losing or is
over weight themselves. Well I have been depriving myself of being happy
and I find out that some don't care one way or the other that I am losing
weight. But there are some whom I would rather not see cause of the
negative remarks. My ex-mother-in-law asks whenever she sees me how much
more have I lost or have I gained any back? I tell her and the conversation
is over about losing weight. She does not say or have not said too much to
me since I had started losing weight. She does not know I had wls and
because of her negativeness I don't want her to know cause that just opens
up more talk.
Ms. Pisces.
— mspisces
January 10, 2005
Reality walked up and hit me in the head like a brick regarding this
situation. I was out shopping with a girlfriend who'd had WLS but was about
18 months behind me. She was a pretty new post op when we went shopping.
I was complaining about wanting to be able to wear a size 6 - I wore a size
10. She got kind of quiet and said "There are some people who would
give anything to be the size you are." I felt like pond scum. I know
there are people out there who are genuinely jealous and for THOSE people I
think it's THEIR problem. But, I think for most people it's just a longing
to have the same success for themselves as we've had for ourselves and not
knowing exactly how to express it. So, sometimes I'm a little less bouncy
or talky about it (rarely) but most of the time I just shout my joy from
the rooftops and encourage those who are on the journey with me. It isn't
fair for you to have to sqash your joy all the time. Best wishes in your
journey!
— ronascott
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