Question:
Looking for emotional support....
I am about 8 weeks out and I have lost about 53 pounds. But the onething that I still struggle with is the emotional loss that I feel when I can't participate in "normal" activities with friends and co-workers. Today we had a pitch in and I was kind of excited. But after about 2 bites I felt like it was stuck and then I had to go spit for 30 minutes until it passed. So by the time I was done the pitch in was over and I felt so unsatisfied and so frustrated. Does this ever go away? Will I ever be able to eat with other people and feel "normal" and satisfied? Like tonight a bunch of people are going out after work to eat and drink and I told them I didn't want to go. My reason is because I am scared that I won't be able to eat or drink without feeling uncomfortable. Please help! Thanks. Denise open RNY 256/203/140 — Denise D. (posted on August 28, 2003)
August 28, 2003
Sweetie, it doesn't sound like you've made the switch in your head to the
entire lifestyle change that you have committed to. You can still do the
pitch and be with your friends, but you just don't eat! There's no reason
or law that says you have to. Just tell them you're not hungry. As for
going out. I go out, have iced tea or a virgin mary and enjoy myself. I
ate alot of soup at resturants the first four months, since I didn't want
to experiement in public. You just have to remove food as the reason to go
and replace it with companionship. It's a big switch and not easy, but you
can do it!
— Susan F.
August 28, 2003
Denise- Susan just gave you great advice. I've found that, now that I can
sit comfortably in a booth (or in chairs with arms), that I am much less
stressed going out to eat with friends and family. In the first few
post-op months, I ordered mostly french onion soup as that was something
that I wouldn't make for myself at home. Also, I found that I had so much
energy that it was a pleasure to entertain (I usually host Sunday dinners
and bbq's for our neighbors and friends)- cooking is actually pretty
relaxing when you are not consumed with what you are going to eat.
It is a tough mental adjustment-- I know that I felt like I had lost my
best friend in the first few weeks after surgery. But, you've already made
a great first step.... good luck in your journey.
— SteveColarossi
August 28, 2003
I've never heard of a pitch in, but gather it is some type of food fest. As
time goes by, you will be able to eat more and eat without having to spit
or vomit-keep in mind that you are only 8 weeks post op. In the beginning
we can't each too much and I can remember my meal was over before the
others were 1/2 way thru with theirs! Further out you get, the more
normally you eat. Now, I can eat that 1/2 a sandwich with a few chips
instead of just a few bites, or 1/2 of a meal and box up the rest to take
home. Socializing with food around will get easier, but honestly, you will
never be able to gorge yourself at a buffet or compete anymore with those
who have normal stomachs. Try looking at it this way....Next time you go
out to eat, watch what naturally thin people eat-they eat like post-ops!
I'd rather emulate their behavior than the overweight people I see at the
buffet tables with plates piled high (which used to be me).
— Cindy R.
August 28, 2003
I would like to second what the first poster wrote. You have to trade the
need to eat for the companionship and there's no reason you can't go and
enjoy yourself. If it's a gathering, contribute something that you know
you can eat or make sure there's a beverage available you can eat. If it's
a restaurant, get acquainted with the appetizer or side menu. My standard
thing I order in situations like that is a baked potato with the
"fixings" or a salad with some kind of grilled meat on it. So
what if I don't eat it all--it's being with people in a social setting that
counts. The food is the minor thing, but ordering a salad or something
small gives you the feeling of being like everyone else. You'll be
surprised that most people don't care how much or how little you order.
They just want to be with you or they wouldn't have invited you in the
first place.
— Cathy S.
August 28, 2003
It definately takes time to adapt to the changes, 8 weeks out is not a
long time. I agree with the ides below, order soup and socialize!
— **willow**
August 28, 2003
Order soup for now (like tomato or something w/ pureed consistency) and
hang in there! Soon enough you'll be eating like your skinny friends
meaning you'll eat more than you can now, but less than you use to. By
that time, you'll be wishing you got full on 2 bites :-)
— mom2jtx3
August 28, 2003
Order soup for now (like tomato or something w/ pureed consistency) and
hang in there! Soon enough you'll be eating like your skinny friends
meaning you'll eat more than you can now, but less than you use to. By
that time, you'll be wishing you got full on 2 bites :-)
— mom2jtx3
August 28, 2003
TO LINDA B.
AINT THAT THE TRUTH SISTER!!!!
— Tammy P.
August 28, 2003
Remember, just because things "seem" to revolve around food (pot
lucks, happy hour,holidays) doesn't mean it has to be only about the food.
It starts with ourselves to change our minds around. I totally understand
your feelings, it's very frustrating, especially when people try to make
you taste things! Just be strong and remember it's your health. You know
what you can and can't put in your mouth. Make it about hanging with
friends. Enjoy the conversation, music, etc.... You are doing so
wonderful, keep up the good work without feeling deprived. Best wishes,
Aims
— chickiewickie
August 28, 2003
I went to my boss'es wedding reception last Saturday night, first time out
(open RNY 7/10/03). I left after 10 min. I can't drink, I can't eat and I
have no dance partner. Nothing at all to DO. I realized that in the old
days I would have sat down at a table by myself with a plate of food and
not cared. It was a real shock to look at all the reasons I used to eat
and get in touch with the old me. I'll not make this mistake again. If I
go to anything social it will be because I like who I'm with and I sure
won't go alone again. I guess food used to be my "date" what a
change! I can relate...
— Margaret G.
August 28, 2003
It seems there are two issue here. One that you are still pretty early PO
and having some eating problems that could occur anywhere and not just when
with co-workers. In time this will get better. You will always eat a
smaller amount of food but that's not a big deal. It only is if you make
it one. I go out to eat with people and I just end up getting 3 meals for
the price of 1, which is great for the budget.
<p>The other issue is realizing that socialization does not have to
be driven around food. After a few times of going out with people and the
novelty of seeing you eat goes away they are not going to care how much you
eat. It's more your problem than their's.
<p>For now if you want to go out with people just maybe get soup of
something that you know will stay down for sure. Even if it means you go
home and have your protein later. Just enjoy the socialization aspect.
The food problems will resolve itself in time.
— zoedogcbr
August 28, 2003
Sweetie,
I feel your pain. I am 7 weeks out. I only seem to struggle when I go out
to eat with friends too. I try crunching ice (something to do). I also
look at my skinny friends or people and tell myslef, "That is me in a
few months" And, I also journal a LOT! Give yourself time and be
kind to yourself. Celebrate that you CANT eat that much anymore.
— Michele B.
August 28, 2003
Take heart this too shall pass. I am 18 mos post op. I can go out to eat
and don't really have any aversions to food. The biggest change is the
relationship you have with food and that is still a struggle. Don't not go
out. If you can only handle mashed potatoes well order that. I can look
back and laugh (now) at what people must have thought. Here at 350lbs I
barely touched my food and claimed to be full!!! I found it helpful that
my surgeon gave us cards to give to restauraunts to allow us to order from
the senior or childrens menu. Often I have my husband order and I take my
portion off of that. As far as stuff not agreeing well with you. Take
heart it does get better. Eventually, you start enjoying the company and
life isn't all about the food. Good luck on your journey. Each day is a
new blessing.
— Tonya L.
August 28, 2003
I am now 6 months out and I have to say it is getting better and better. I
am down 100 lbs (YEA!!!!) and I have made the change in my head now. I used
to live to eat and now I eat to live. Do I still wish I could have things
sometimes? You bet! But I pass it up and move on. That nagging passes and I
just try to stay in the moment of enjoying who I am with. I can remember
being embarrased to eat in public because I felt people were wondering if I
knew how fat I was...now I walk in a restaurant and feel great knowing that
I am looking more like everyone else as each day passes and I get a new
attitude about food. It is not our friend, not our lover, not our
entertainment...it is what we eat to stay alive so that we can enjoy our
real friends, have real lovers and go out and smile and LIVE. You are a
newbie, it is tough at first but it is a lifestyle change and one day you
will be healthier, smaller, and happier. You will be fine : )
— Peggy B.
August 28, 2003
I too had that problem in the beginning but it does fade with time. Don't
beat yourself up about it or deny yourself the opportunity to socialize.
Before you know it, you will be so busy talking and having a good time that
no one (including yourself) will even notice how much you ate or if you
even ate at all. These functions won't go away afterall, it's our culture.
So you might as well get out there and have a good time while learning to
deal with it. You will have to sooner or later anyway. It does get better
though so hang in there! :)
— Laurel C.
August 29, 2003
Combine Margaret's and Susan's answers and you have...The Answer!
Gatherings are about good folks, and perhaps about food, but that's our
choice. And some gatherings are not good for our emotional health: I am
not happy going out alone, and never have been, so I don't. I gently and
lovingly decline some invitations because I know I will be in social hell
by myself and I am totally unwilling to lie about it and then use food to
make up the difference until I can go home again. Post-WLS is a time to
start new and fresh: who are you now? Decide, choose...and be at peace.
— Deborah M.
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