Question:
Any post ops had their spouse leave them for an obese person?
Hi! Over two years ago when I had my surgery, my husband seemed very supportive. He told me to go for it. I lost most of the weight within the first year, and since the day I made it to where I feel thin, the badgering from him began. Everyday my husband would and still does, tell me that I think I'm better than everyone, that I hate fat people, he wishes I never got the surgery, I'm not the same person, etc etc... None of this is true. Yes I do have more self esteem, and my life has improved greatly because I'm active, and can breath, but overall, I feel that I am the same person as before, just thin. Well, today my husband informed me that he has been cheating on me with a very obese woman. He says she is who I used to be. I'm in total shock. I mean I knew he was not happy with the "new" me, but I never expected this. He even hoards (sp) old pictures of me before the surgery, I find them hidden in his drawers. Has anyone had this happen to them? — Carey N. (posted on December 24, 2003)
December 23, 2003
Carey,
I am sooo so sorry this has happened to you. I am stunned. I am divorced,
have been for 6 years but I've had a friend tell me recently that I lost
something with my weight loss, and that he misses the Lisa I use to be. I
don't understand any of this. Yes I am sure we change a lot, and it takes
a lot of grace for people to learn to deal with our changes. We were
caught in a miserable fat shell for so long and we had to try "extra
hard" to be accepted and yes we all had wonderful personalities, but
we were internally miserable because of our weight. No one knows that hell
besides us, the ones that live in these bodies. It's not that we think we
are better than anyone else, it's that we finally feel free to live without
fearing people's rejection. Sweetie, my heart and prayers are with you. I
will pray your husband comes around and realize his selfishness. I hope
the two of you will get into counselling, this is gonna be a difficult
thing to overcome. I am considering counselling myself so I can get in
touch with my own changes. If you think about it, it's hard for us to get
use to ourselves, so imagine what others that live with us have to
experience. You look wonderful in your photo by the way. You are
loved....Hugs... Lisa
— Happy I.
December 24, 2003
Carey, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I will keep you in my
thoughts and prayers.<br>
I agree with the previous poster in that counciling may be of a great help.
I started seeing a professional about 3 months ago. I was very fortunate
to find the one I did; he has been just wonderful. <br>
Hon, I've heard of this sort of thing happening quite a bit. I think--and
this is just my opinion--that often insecure men seek out us obese ladies.
They do not feel threatened by us; they do not worry that another man will
come along and take us away. Thus, as we get thinner and perhaps look
"better" to other men, they become threatened. Please know that
this is <b>their</b> problem, not ours. Unfortunately, we
suffer for their problem. <br>
I wish I had an easy answer for you or a quick "fix" for your
pain--I would give them to you in a heartbeat if I did. Look to your
Higher Power for guidance and your friends and family for support and know
that, in the long run, whatever the outcome, you will be "okay".
I know that seems impossible right now, but it is true. Please don't let
his problems keep you from taking care of yourself and making yourself
healthier and happier. <br>
As for you changing--of course we change. It is a normal, healthy
progression for anyone...we grow and change. I think we begin a major
chance inside ourselves when we make the decision to have this surgery--we
have taken back control of our lives, we have empowered ourselves. As we
loose weight we feel better physically and emotionally. We do tend to pay
more attention to other obese people. I know my heart aches for them, and
I want to rush up and tell them there is hope and help. All that keeps me
from doing this is the memory of how this would have affected
<b>me</b> prior to surgery. Others may interpret my feelings
as "judgemental", but in my heart I know that I am only concerned
and empathetic. I know exactly how they feel; what it feels like to be
morbidly obese. I also know how it feels to take control and to begin to
look and feel better, and I wish the same for others. At times I have to
make myself remember that my solution is not everyone's solution!
My prayer for you is that you find peace through the holiday season and a
comfort in whatever decision you and your husband makes. May God bless and
keep you. <br>
Linda
— Linda S.
December 24, 2003
Carey, did he meet you and marry you while you were obese? There are just
some men who love obese women. I don't know if fat just turns them on, or
if they feel more in control of the relationship with an obese person,who
perhaps is just so grateful that "someone", "anyone"
has married them? Its true that we do change once we lose the weight, in my
mind all for the better-gaining self confidence and self-esteem and
learning to love the new us. We're happier and more outgoing and that may
threaten your husband. If both you and your husband are interested in
saving the marriage, I would suggest marriage counseling. If he is not
interested, I'd still suggest some counseling for you to learn to deal with
this upheaval in your life. We are here for you...
— Cindy R.
December 24, 2003
Sometimes I just think people are shallow. They are attracted to whatever
blonde, thin, chubby, whatever, and then that's it. But love should go
beyond all that. Sorry about your hubby cheating on you. That is just a
disrepect. Is he overweight?
I am having an issue with an ex-boyfriend (who is now just a good friend).
Now that I have lost weight he is afraid of the new change in relationship
roles. I didn't realize how many people in my life used me for my fatness.
— mrsmyranow
December 24, 2003
Whether it has to do with your weight or not, your husband cheated on you
and betrayed you. You are a beautiful person(inside and out). I think you
know what you need ot do.
— Jonathan S.
December 25, 2003
Carey I am sorry that your husband thinks cheating it the solution to what
appears to be more "his" problem and insecurity than yours. If
you want to save your marriage you should consider counseling. I was thin
before gaining weight - and I was different - and when I gained a lot of
weight I was different. I was less active, I cared less about my clothing
because I did not know how to cover my body in a larger size and I think
there is a difference though everyone says, "I'm the same
person." However, there is a person hidden inside of me that once was
- she smiled more - and now she's back. People are attacted to smiling
people - some of those people are "men" - sounds like your hubby
is afraid of losing you. It would take me too long to suggest what you
could do, but he needs to be included and assured you still will love him
(if you will).
— Anna M.
December 25, 2003
Is your spouse heavy enough to qualify for WLS? If he is thats the trouble.
He has decided to not get surgery himself, and thinks he has to find
someone else. Although I know there are exceptions the divorce rate for MO
couples where only one gets surgery is over 90 some percent according to my
surgeon. Does this apply to you?
— bob-haller
December 25, 2003
I have not had this happen to me, but my advise would be to pray about it,
ask yourself if you want this marriage to work. If you do, does he? He
may be mourning the old life of a chubby you, if he wants the marriage to
work, seek couseling together. If not,then he's not worth it. Good Luck
and I will pray for you.
— butterflygirl
December 27, 2003
Hi everyone, I would like thank everyone that responded, thank you for your
prayers. To answer some questions that were asked by a few of you, yes my
husband is overweight. I was 200 lbs overweight, he is about 100lbs over .
I 've asked him if he would be interested in this type of surgery, and he
says no way. I've never pushed it on him any further than that. And yes I
was overweight when we met, I'd say maybe 100 lbs overweight. He has always
dated heavier women, but told me himself that he attracted to thin women,
just intimidated by them. Who knows?? So far I've decided that he has to
leave. We can get counseling, but to live with someone that has done this,
I just can't, at least not now. Thank you all for the support, whatever
happens, I'm sure it will all turn out for the best . Thank you!:), Carey
— Carey N.
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