Question:
I know that the focus of this surgery is about health, but....
I was wondering if we can count the perks as well, and maybe answer a question for me. I don't know if it is depression setting with me on an emotional roller coaster or if it is true or not, but I truly feel as if my boyfriend really doesn't want to make love to me anymore. I am lucky if we are intimate 1-2 times a month!!! he says it has nothing to do with me, that he just isn't interested in it as much as when he was young, but I can't help but think it has something to do with how big I have gotten. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be intimate with me either!!! Has anyone felt this way, or has experienced this, and is it likely that this will change after surgery?? I would love it we could be more active (even just a little more active). Anyone gone through this with their spouses?? — enjo4 (posted on July 5, 2000)
July 5, 2000
Erin: I am not trying to be judgmental with my answer here, but you called
him "my boyfriend." This obviously implies that he is not your
husband. The difference is a lack of commitment to the relationship and
all that that commitment entails. I have a committed husband and he has
loved me when I was thin, average, plump, fat, and morbidly obese, and
continues to love me as I lose. This love he has is demonstrated in all
the ways that a husband, in a committed relationship, should - including
the 'making love' department. Now, this may not be the answer you are
seeking, but wouldn't you feel a lot better if you KNEW that your man was
committed to you enough to make you his wife? I urge you and all other
women to hold off until someone is willing to make a permanent commitment
to you before you give him all of the perks without any of the obligations.
It will be much more fulfilling for you. And, just because someone is
'fat' doesn't mean they have to settle for less. Go for the gold! My best
to you and I hope your life will be all that you want it to be.
— Cindy H.
July 5, 2000
Erin, honey, talk to your man. Maybe he has some issues that you are not
aware of. Sometimes stress can affect the lovemaking department. In my
opinion, whether his title is boyfriend or husband shouldn't make that much
of a huge difference in the committment area. Obviously he is with you
because he cares alot about you. Please open the line of communication so
that the two of you can better your relationship. Remember that true love
can and will always overcome any obstacles when you two can openly discuss
things. Hope this helps you baby...
— TERRY L.
July 5, 2000
I was married for seven years to a guy that I thought accepted me no matter
what. The problem was me...I could not stand being so big and having him
touch me. It got to be so bad that I started to have bad feelings toward
our relationship. I finally ended the relationship-divorced.
If you are able to communicate effectively with your partner try to find
out what is bothering him because the distance will act as a poison in your
relationship. Also, take care of yourself so you can deal with the issues
your relationship may have.
— twenc
July 5, 2000
Yes, I too have felt the things that you are describing. Low
self esteem (due to morbid obesity) made me feel ugly and like no one
would want to get close to me sexually. My "significant other"
didn't seem
to show as much interest as he once did, either. I just KNEW that it was
due
to my weight gain. I never discussed it w/ him. I was too embarrassed, I
guess.
I remember another time when I lost a large amount of weight, I felt
similar
feelings, even though I was at a fairly normal size. Every time he would
touch
me, I would kind of freeze up. I would be thinking how it must feel to him,
feeling
someone that was once so obese with left over skin hanging! It interfered
with my sex
life, a lot. I couldn't get comfortable. Even thought I was thinner, I wore
nighties that
would cover certain areas of my body. I guess that this is normal for many
of us who have
had to fight obesity most of our lives. It is very difficult to get past
it. Just talking
about it seems to help some. I hope things work out for you where this
problem is concerned.
If they don't work out, it can eventually create even a larger problem.
This weight loss thing
is sure no "easy" thing to do, with so many issues centered
around the obesity that we are left
to deal with even after we get thin.
— [Anonymous]
August 8, 2000
Erin, I can relate to your question 100%. And I also would like to respond
to Cindy H's answer too. I have been without a relationship for almost all
of my adult life. Yes, it is true Cindy, just because we are fat doesn't
mean that someone shouldn't love us. I would love to be loved. But let's
face reality. Its not very often that I get approached the way I am now.
Men want to see something like an hourglass shape. They look at t.v and
they look at Playboy. I haven't seen many "fat" woman advertised
lately. I have not been approached by anyone with any worth in any of the
years since I've been obese. When I say worth, I mean someone that really
cared for me as me. Yes, I did have a few relationships here and there but
they were mostly with losers and I guess they felt as if because I was fat
that I needed them so they could more or less do what they wanted to and
get away with it. Well, I fooled them all because I don't need a man.
Sure, I would like to have one, but I don't NEED one. I need myself and I
need my happiness. The day that I finally learned to make myself happy was
the day that I was released from all anxieties. I know that I need this
surgery to really be able to live life to its fullest and be healthy again,
but to tell you the truth -- after I lose 150 pounds and get all the smurks
and whisltes from the on-lookers, I don't think I will even turn my head.
Because they couldn't accept me for who I was when I was obese, so why
would they accept me now when I am thin. Think about it.
— Deborah R.
September 25, 2000
Erin, My husband and I lived together for 5 years and have now been married
for 5 years... both way's we loved each other heart and soul. I can't
honestly say that the paper did much more than make it legal.
In the last 10 years I've been thin then obese then thin and now obese
again (5 weeks post... working on a thin-for-life thing now.)
My husband had a real problem with my fat... and finally said so. We did a
year of counciling, learning about obesity, fat-haters and all such topics.
During this time I had already decided on WLS but did NOT tell him until he
came to a point of being able to accept me exactly the way I was with every
pound I had. We both learned about obesity being a disease, a genetic
disorder a... whatever... anything but lack of will power and that fat
people are just as deserving of love as thin people.
I needed to learn these things for myself also... I felt worthless when I
was fat... I was basing my own self worth on my size just as he was. We
both had a huge adjustment to make in that department before I did this.
Once our marriage was fully back on track I felt comfortable going ahead
with the surgery and he has been great about supporting me... but, more
about the health issues than about my size.
As for a change in his sex drive... I don't see it happening. He has gotten
older, he isn't as interested as he once was in sex, it didn't change when
I was 130 lbs years ago, it didn't change when I was 230 lbs and I don't
hold out any hope of it changing just because I get back down to 130 lbs.
My sex drive on the other hand is way up... not due to the surgery but do
to feeling worthy and loving myself and that came with the counceling /
very pre-deciding about this surgery... It came when I felt worthy of being
loved regardless of my weight.
I must say it has been much higher post surgery... I think it may be partly
physical (women do store estrogen in their fat...) and partly emotional...
not so much the weight loss as feeling so good about myself for doing
something just for me.... just for my health... just for my life and
happiness and to be the healthy woman I want to be.
How will we deal with my "much more" sex drive and his "much
less" sex drive? I don't honestly know yet but I know we have gone
through so much and so many more difficult trials that we will make it
through this too.
I do want to add that if his sex drive went back to how it was 10 years ago
I would not be happy at all. I would feel totally like it had only to do
with my weight loss and that in itself would cause a major problem. Far
more of a problem than having such different sex drives.
— [Anonymous]
December 2, 2000
Honey, before my surgery, I think I turned my husband off because I was
turned off from myself, and he sensed that. The old saying is true, you
have to love yourself, I know its hard when your not happy with your life,
but hang in there, it will all change for you.
— Wendy W.
February 5, 2001
My husband and I don't have sex often, maybe once every 3 or 4 months. I
truly think that it's because right now I'm turned off of me. It's hard to
feel sexy when you don't even want to see you body, much less any one
elses'.
I'm hoping this will change post op.
— [Anonymous]
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