Question:
Has anyone been shy about too much attention?
In 1999 I lost 75 pounds and was looking pretty good if I do say so myself, I recieved a lot, and I do mean alot of attention from men that I really wasn't used to and found myself very shy talking to them. I was constantly stopped on the street, became the center of attention at work, when I asked them why they never talk to me before, most of them said that they never noticed me or that they thought I was married(stupid ass excuses).Now that I am going to have my surgery at the end of May, I am not sure on how to handle all the attention I will get since I will be losing much more. One of the reason I gain all of the weight back was because of the insecurtiy, and the anger that these men didn't like me for me. What can I do to get ready for this? — blank first name B. (posted on May 15, 2001)
May 15, 2001
You say you gained weight back because of anger and insecurity towards men.
I'm not sure this will change with WLS, hon. I think it helps a lot to
impersonalize the obesity - for instance, I find dark men attractive and
rarely look at blonde men. I like tall men, and don't look at short men.
It doesn't offend me or hurt me that some men aren't attracted to heavy
women, believe me, I know some that are! What offends me and hurts me is
nastiness, and thankfully I'm wasn't/am not subjected to that often. Is it
possible that with your prior weight loss you carried yourself with more
confidence and smiled more? Did you keep your hair and makeup fresher?
Were you more approachable and inviting then and didn't realize it? Were
you wearing new and better fitting clothing? How old are you? If you are
in your 20's, men your age are somewhat immature and exposed to the
supermodel ideal of a woman. Older men tend to appreciate 'real women'.
All these things are factors in whether you'll get noticed - at any weight.
In fact, over the weekend, my mom's neighbor kept coming over to me while
I was working in the yard and chatting me up. My brothers were even
teasing me about it, thinking he was suddenly smitten with me after all
these years. He told my mom I was looking great and it turns out I'm the
'spitting image' of the 'last great love' of his life - he just hadn't
noticed it until I lost weight (it also turns out he's 20 years older than
me, so I doubt we will go beyond friendly hellos). So, rather than be
offended that he hadn't noticed my uncommon beauty and grace (HA!) before,
I am tickled pink that he is noticing it now. So how do you handle all
this new attention? You smile, have a conversation and enjoy! It becomes
easier with practice and experience - but you need to let go of the anger
and resentment to really have a good time. Good luck to you!
— Allie B.
May 15, 2001
Deb - one thing that has been recommended to me as I approach this surgery
is to re-start my relationship with my therapist. A competent MFT (or
MFCC) can help us work through issues related to body image, sexuality,
anger, fear...the whole ball of wax. If cost is an issue, call the
YWCA...many of them have programs avaialble at low or no cost (I know, my
husband is a therapist with the Y here). Best of luck!!
— blee01
May 15, 2001
Deborah,
I too have some similar concerns. For myself I went back into therapy
BEFORE my surgery and I'm waiting for my 1st appt. since surgery. I didn't
want to sabotage all my efforts "incase" some of these feelings
and unwarranted attentions came back. Start working on a plan now of what
you might do and why in these situations. I had to start liking myself
again for who I was-not because I was in the PTA,somebody's
mommy,somebody's wife but just because I'm a child of God, fearfully and
wonderfully made! I deserve happiness for whatever the reason. If you are
strong enough to look at yourself honestly and can do the work yourself
than do it. If not, call a therapist and begin now. I may not ever
experience any of these feelings with the unwarranted attention but if it
happens I'm ready!!!!!Best wishes
— Linda M.
May 16, 2001
Get thee to a therapist! I believe I am the same way- I have
lost weight, only to be whistled at, etc, only to gain weight,
only to lose it and get scared. Well, I even did it while married
and STILL was afraid and put the weight back on. After many
years of on and off therapy, I have come to realize what I
am afraid of. Intimacy is a big scare for me- even with a
husband of 15 years. I don't just mean physical intimacy
either- emotional is even more difficult. The weight kept
my husband and others away physically as well as emotionally.
Times change, though, and this surgery has finally brought healing
to me physically and emotionally. It is VERY difficult, but
the rewards are tremendous! My husband and I, after nearly divorcing,
are as close as a man and woman can be- the way God intended.
I still get scared, but every time I do, it gets easier to
deal with in a healthy manner. You can do this!
— M B.
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