Question:
I have been married for many years but have a problem that has really
started to surface since my WLS. My husband who is thin watches other women a lot. He acts indifferent to me and to my new body (except in bed) but when a woman who is thin and attractive walks by he acts like a light bulb comes on and he flirts with them. I am insulted by this because I am sitting right beside him! He doesn't say suggestive things or anything but he is overly friendly to them and smiles brighter than he ever smiles at me. He watches their butts. He even does this to my friends who are attractive. He is a wonderful man in all other ways but this is annoying me to no end. We have argued many times about this and I end up feeling foolish. He says I am "just jealous" of him and denies, denies, denies the flirtation. He says I am "crazy". When a couple of people come up to talk to me, he ignores the normal women but just goes "ga/ga" over the attractive ones. It happens when an elderly woman and her daughter, my friend, approach us. He totally ignores the elderly woman. I treat elders with respect and go out of my way to acknowledge their presence. We have a lot of arguments over this. He does the same thing when a young attractive waitress approaches. I told him they are just playing him and want a larger tip! I honestly have felt like slapping him or giving him the elbow in the ribs. I have just sat staring at him while he does this and when he notices my "look" he says "What?" and it is me with the problem! He is totally innocent! I don't know why he doesn't watch my butt when I walk....just others. With the wt loss I thought it would change,but it hasn't. It just annoys me more! Any advice? I will let him read all your responses! Help. If this doesn't stop, I fear I may start flirting too! I am angry with him about this. — [Anonymous] (posted on August 14, 2001)
August 14, 2001
First of all - if he won't acknowledge the fact that this hurts you or
makes you angry.. there could be more serious problems... second of all,
most men will turn into someone different when a pretty girl is around, it
doesn't mean he loves you any less... he's going home to your bed right?
Why worry about it? My husband looks, and so do I... and yes, if a cute
guy comes around, I may act "gaga" as you put it.. but I LOVE my
husband and nothing will change that. I wouldn't feel embarassed about
bringing it up, but I would look into the first problem about him
dismissing how you feel about it...
— Elizabeth D.
August 14, 2001
I'm a guy and I don't blame you for being angry!
He sounds like an insensitive "Horse's A". I could
never imagine doing that to a woman. He'd be the
first one to cry "foul" if "you" did it to him.
I sure don't know what to tell you, except you are
justifed in your anger. Maybe a swift two
by four along side the head would wake him up. ;)
— Danmark
August 14, 2001
You have some issues that need to be addressed through counceling.But in
the mean time, do to him what he does to you, let him see how it feels when
you flirt with other men. You know, you really let this guy control you,
why?
— Rose A.
August 14, 2001
I don't blame you for being mad and upset.You may love your husband but for
him to disregard your feelings isn't very nice. I really don't know what
you can do to make him stop. Some men are just like that. Too bad he
doesn't realize that most women find this behavior disgusting. Sure it's
nice to be "noticed" but there is a limit to what we feel
comfortable with. I would like to tell you to do the same to him but as the
old saying goes, 2 wrongs don't make a right". He should love you and
respect you enough to stop doing this. You are going to have to figure out
what you can say or do to make him understand how much this bothers you. If
he dismisses what you say and how you feel well, then you will either have
to #1...accept his behavior or #2...do something more drastic to show him
you mean business. By the way, was he like this before you got married?
— Kim B.
August 15, 2001
He has always been flirty and for years I guess I let it slide because I
didn't feel like I was worthy to be looked at and I thought subconsciously,
"I don't have a nice butt for him to look at so I don't blame him for
looking at others." Now, I expect him to look at and appreciate my
increasingly smaller a**! I told him once again I didn't appreciate it and
he once again, said "I don't do that". I told him it was a
problem for ME and if it is problem for ME, it is a problem for HIM. I told
him if he did it again, I may do something I would regret. I think the
problem here is what one person said...it is his indifference to me that is
the problem. I appreciate your input and hope for more comments on this so
I can show him what others who are objective think. Thank you so much!
— [Anonymous]
August 20, 2001
He's afraid. That's all. but he needs to claim this behavior as his own.
Not say " your crazy". Cause this simply aint so. He's afraid
because you are now more attractive and could potentially leave him fro
another, so in his passive aggressive way, he's signaling to you, "
hey look, I still find LOTS of other women attractive, so watch out!"
Its really lame and pretty shallow, but thats what's going on. Looking it's
no big deal. Pointing it out and acting disrespectful to you is another
issue. Not acceptable. So chalk it up to immature passive aggresive
behavior motivated by fear. Fear of your success. he needs to grow up and
own his own crap so he doesn't hurt others in the process.
— Patrick D.
August 25, 2001
SHEEEEEESH! I had a husband like that once! But, since you've not reached
the point I reached, there's precious litle you can do with a combo like
that. An insecure, immature man, and a woman who has self esteem issues.
But...you're now gonna get a crash course in behavioral science....pay
attention: Every action generally causes a predictable reaction. In your
case, your hubby 'counts on' your reaction to his flirting. Part of the
kick he gets out of it is the attention (albeit negative) he gets from you.
It reassures him. Your reactions state: I'm jealous, I hate when you do
that because I love you and it makes me jealous when you flirt. If i'm
jealous, I must love you alot". So...what does he gain from the
flirting? Well, most likely about a five-minute fantasy that he's a bon
vivant, and the immediate pain & suffering on your part that indicates
how attached you are to him! Now...if you REALLY REALLY REALLY want him to
stop, try changing the game. This ain't easy, but you're gonna have to
CHANGE YOUR RESPONSES TO WHEN HE FLIRTS! I sincerely promise you! If you no
longer react to his flirting, he will cease! He'll be befuddled, confused
& HE will wonder what's WRONG!!!! Now...I don't mean that you sit there
and seethe in silence, you must absolutely work at not reacting. Count to a
hundred in chinese, think of your favorite sexual/sensual expeience that
didn't include him, do origami in your head, count the rice grains in a
half a cup of rice, DO ANYTHING MENTALLY to keep your eyes, ears and mouth
from REACTING to his flirting!!! Remember: the definition of Insanity is
doing the same thing over & over, and expecting different results!
So...since you cannot change that immature, insensitive, sadistic clod of a
husband, (and trust me, you can't change him!) you MUST CHANGE YOURSELF!
Pretty soon, he'll wonder how & why the rules have changed!
Unfortunately, his fear of losing you might increase, and he might up the
ante & flirt alot more (this is technically called and 'extinction
burst") just to elicit the same reaction, but slowly, if you keep up
the stone wall, it will turn into something like: geez honey, whatsa matta!
Please give this a try, it's better than anguishing over this poopy guy
you're married to!
— PEG L.
September 6, 2001
Well i agree with the guy that he is insinsitive (sp)
Hey..YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE OTHER PERSON and if they don't want to change
your pushing a rope!!!!!
— Jackiis
October 9, 2001
I cant stand men like this. No offense--but I should know. I am married to
EXACTLY the same type. He says ALL men do it, tells me its normal, tells me
I should be happy he looks at women and not men, tells me I am jealous,
insecure, etc. Nope. I just thinks its VERY rude and insensitive and,
frankly, ignorant and immature. Especially when they do it so OBVIOUSLY!
Maybe not all men, but SOME men actually respect their wives and like to
admire THEM. My husband is a horney 47 year old 'adolescent' who cant feel
good about himself unless a woman flirts back at him. It hurts me SO MUCH
and he doesnt care. I have heard that this surgery cant save a faltering
marriage and I beleive it. A lot of men want what/who they cant
"have". Hell, my husband still seems to even pine for his VERY
homely ex wife who took all his money, his kids, cheated on him, and left
him!! I am very attractive and smart and am getting even more so with
every pound that comes off, but he doesnt seem to EVER look at or flirt
with ME. Marriage stinks. Dating is WAY better. Just my bitter two cents
worth. Keep the faith, everyone! ~Lisa in NY (Open RnY on 8/23/01)
— Lisa G.
October 11, 2001
Get rid of the jerk! I went out with a man just like your husband, and, let
me tell you, it does absolutely nothing for your self esteem! Everything
youve accomplished is well worth you being happy. Get selfish, get rid of
him, and get happiness back into your life!
— Kerry P.
October 16, 2001
Wow, this sounds EXACTLY what I went through my ENTIRE marriage. Right
from the start, my husband was always ogling other women right in front of
me but never showing me the same kind of attention. We would go out places
together and he'd leave me sitting in a corner while he went
"trolling". I remember COUNTLESS nights spent crying myself to
sleep because of this behavior and he would always reply the same way
"it's YOUR problem, YOU deal with it". So, after 6 years and
115#, I DID deal with it! I divorced the a-hole! HAHA Now, he's dating a
woman on welfare with 3 kids from 2 different marriages and I'm dating AND
engaged to a gorgeous, attentive and WONDERFUL man 3 years younger than my
ex-husband with absolutely NO baggage! So, I got the last laugh and I'm SO
STINKING HAPPY I'm sure I make people SICK with the darn smile that won't
wipe off my face!
— [Anonymous]
Click Here to Return