Question:
What to do when you are starting to dream of better things as far as relationships?
Okay I'm 3.5 months post and I have had a boyfriend of 1 and a half years.....I love him and we've planned on getting engaged as soon as he moves out to California to be with me (which was supposed to be in this coming March). Well, all of a sudden, I find myself thinking about how I'll be skinny soon and be able to have a lot of fun. I also kinda dream about this fairytale romance that I'll have with this Prince Charming....My boyfriend has such a good heart and loves me like crazy, but he's not this fairy tale Prince Charming that I'm dreaming of. I don't know what my problem is, but I just feel like i'm being restricted from really experiencing my dreams if I stay with him....I told him this last night openly (we keep nothing from each other) and he told me that I was trying to kill him by telling him these things. I'm so confused and wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and what did you do? Please don't yell at me for being a rude witch or something, I am just being real. My honesty and realness is one of the qualities about me that my boyfriend loves. — Iris B. (posted on January 18, 2003)
January 18, 2003
Iris,
I admire your honesty, especially with your boyfriend. Only you can decide
what is right for you. Just remember that your boyfriend loves you for you,
no matter what size you are. If I met someone else after losing weight, I
would always wonder if this person would have loved me fat, or maybe would
not have even looked my way. You are a beautiful young lady, and I commend
you on having this surgery to better your health and your life. Take care.
Ginger
— Ginger N.
January 18, 2003
Keep in mind that the grass is not always greener on the other side. I
think your experiencing normal feelings of "what if?" That says
that you are not ready to settle with the boyfriend. As long as you feel
that way it is not fair to the boyfriend to keep him on the hook. He
deserves someone who cares the same way for him. Let him go and go ahead
and pursue your dreams, but keep in mind that you may or may not find the
Prince Charming. I admire your honesty and for sharing it with your
boyfriend.
— Cindy R.
January 18, 2003
Iris... I looked at your page to see your age. You're 22. You're still
very young. Keep your honesty. I admire you for telling your boyfriend
how you feel before he uproots himself for you. Believe me, take your
time. Marry in haste, repent at leisure. You could tell him that you love
him (if this is true) but if you get married, you want to do it without
doubts about what else is out there. Then BOTH of you date other people.
In a year or two, you may find your way back to each other... but then it
will be without doubts. I'm glad you said "fairy tale", because
the whole Prince Charming thing is just that. This is an old married woman
talking here: you want someone who will sit with you in the bathroom when
you've got the flu. You want someone who encourages you to be the best
person you can be. You want someone whom you would trust to raise your
kids ALONE if something happened to you. You said when you're skinny,
you'll be able to have a lot of fun... like what?! Is this something your
boyfriend wouldn't like? Just some questions to think about. If his heart
is as good as you say it is, he DESERVES to marry someone who is in love
with him and won't be thinking "what if?" Is this you? Someone
else? Only time and honesty will tell. Best wishes.
— Nancy G.
January 18, 2003
hi there :) i too admire your honesty. the truth sometimes can be hurtful
to others but in the long run actually less hurtful. if your not ready to
be married and dont feel he is your prince then dont do it girl! this is
much easier then looking back 10 years from now after the children come and
then you may feel stuck in a situation you dont want to be in. your young
there arent any rings, morgage or complications at this point(reminds me of
a song i know LOL) so take it slow and follow your heart! :)
— carrie M.
January 18, 2003
Iris, so many things change with weight loss for a variety of reasons. Your
confidence which may have been lacking begins to soar and you see so many
changes for yourself. I have grown closer to my husband but have quit my
job, gone back to school full-time, I am much more active and am a
self-proclaimed fashion whore. You will be surprised probably how much you
want to rearrange your life as the weight melts away. Think carefully and
follow your heart! Best of luck to you!
— Aimee P.
January 18, 2003
Naturally, you'll have alot more self confidence - BUT it's hard to find a
good man out there who will treat you good, and you should appreciate your
boyfriend for being there for you through your surgery and the fact that he
loves you for who you are and not your looks! Granted, you may look good
now, but nobody is good-looking at 80!
— jengrz
January 19, 2003
Iris: Your honesty is wonderful. Don't ever lose that quality. You are
very young yet, and if you don't feel like you've explored life enough, or
relationships enough, you should. I suspect many of us have spent our
lives "settling" for the best we could get, because we believed
we couldn't get any better. I've done that with two marriages now. I was
fat in high school, so I married the first guy who asked me to date him. Of
course, that didn't last, and I ended up being a single mom trying to work
full-time, go to school, and care for my son. I did the best I could with
it. But during those years, I would try to "get out there" and
date, but the men I liked didn't like me, I assumed because of my fat. My
friends and family would try to encourage me by telling me to hang in
there, that it would happen, you've got a wonderful personality and a
beautiful face. Well, it didn't happen for 13 years following my divorce
(I had maybe six or seven dates in that time). I started trying the
personal ads and found a guy who liked me the way I am. So, I married him
too. But honestly, I feel as though I've "settled" again, and
wonder how I'll feel after WLS. He's not a bad husband, just not the man I
pictured being with. So I don't know for sure what I'll do after surgery,
but I do know if I was young again and knew what I know now, I would
"live a little" and explore what is out there. Good luck to you
in whatever you decide. I believe you should follow your heart.
— Carlita
January 20, 2003
Hi....My friend sent this to me in an email, and it talks about doing what
our heart desires. I believe that no matter how much you try to force
something, if your heart is not in it, it will not work. I am not telling
you to break up with your boyfriend, but perhaps you might want to take a
look at what path you want your life to follow now that your life is
changing. I think what's happening with you is typical, and as long you
are honest with yourself and those around, you have no reason to chastise
yourself. You are young and now is your time to figure out how YOU want
things to go. You have to live with your decisions ultimately. Anyway,
here is the story, and good luck!!
"I appreciate Benjamin Kubelski's story. In 1902, his father gave him
a
violin for his eighth birthday. It cost $50, a small fortune in those
days, and especially for a recently immigrated Russian family.
Benjamin did well and was playing concerts as a teenager. At age 18 he
teamed up with a woman pianist as a musical team in Vaudeville.
But he suspected the violin did not satisfy his heart's desire. Then
one night, Benjamin impulsively decided to tell the audience about a
funny incident that had happened during the day. He later said, "The
audience laughed and the sound intoxicated me. That laughter ended my
days as a musician." And it began his life career as the comedian
Jack
Benny.
He found who he was and everything fit into place. He knew that if he
followed his heart's desire, he would end up all right.
— Ellen H.
January 20, 2003
I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. It is very good of you
that you can admit it. I just want to tell you that prince charming really
doesn't exist, but I am sure that you could have fun looking for him.haha
Listen to your heart. We all really know the answer to our questions
before we ask them.
— denaa
January 29, 2003
Hi guys, I'm the original poster of this question. I really appreciate all
of your input. We've decided to stay together and he's still moving out
here -- But we're not jumping into an engagement anytime soon. I told him
to wait at least a year so that I can adjust to my new body/life/etcetera!
He's so awesome to put up with me, I love him :) Thanks again for your
guys' advice, they helped me to not feel guilty for how I'm feeling, but to
stay honest to myself and to my boyfriend! Ciao :)
— Iris B.
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