Question:
Has anyone decided to not tell certain relatives about weight loss surgery
I am having a difficult time coming up with a way to tell my parents (in their 80's) about my WLS. They just won't understand how and why I had this done. Also my parents health is not very good. My siblings know and are very supportive, and been told to just make up excuse or ? — wheezer53 (posted on August 29, 2007)
August 28, 2007
Hi Don, it sounds to me like you want to tell them but just don't know how.
I think you would feel better telling them. I think they might understand
why you had it done. As time rolls by, your parents might get upset why you
did not tell them sooner. Or you can just let things be as a they are
without telling them. I told my parents prior to surgery. They are in their
70's. My parents both have ill health but were glad I told them because I
shared a part of my life with them. Best wishes........
— MCraig3
August 28, 2007
Good morning Don,
I had the identical situation in my life. Both parents are 75, both in ill
health. Mom had just had a defib/pacemaker put in and Dad has a heart
transplant. I didn't want to tell them for fear they would disapprove,
worry and try to talk me out of it. My siblings were supportive. I
finally decided to arm myself with all the facts I could, good and bad,
print them up and take them over to their house, along with copies of all
my doc's clearances and my letter of medical necesity. I sat them down,
with my husband in attendance for support, and explained to them that this
was something that I, along with my health care providers, have decided
will benefit me and my health tremendously. It will improve the quality of
my life, and more than likely extend it appreciatively. I just had to bite
the bullet and prepare myself for any arguments they may provide. When all
was said and done, Dad was really supportive about it and has since sennt
me lots of e-mail articles as well as telling me about shows he has seen
abouot WLS. Mom's only concern was the danger involved but I just pointed
out the danger of living with obesity.
I'm really glad now I told them because I felt like I was being deceitful
and I guess the old childhood gilts of lying to Mom and Dad run deep! LOL
Have a great day and best of luck.
[Lynn W.
— Lynn W.
August 28, 2007
It's your choice,i don't think your making excuses. It's your
decision who you tell and when. My youngset sister had difficulty dealing
with my decision @ first and gave me alot of grief. She is dealing with it
now but it took a while. Bottom line it's your journey and your decisions.
Good luck and many blessings to you.- Jodie
— Jodie T.
August 28, 2007
Yes, it happen to me. Why? Because many people don't understand whats the
surgery for, and many of them talk negative about that no matter how you
explained to them. My husband was and example, at the first time I had to
cope with his negative response, and I had to wait, then I tool him with me
to the seminar and the Dr explained everything to him, then he agreed. Now
he is happy for me and amazed how I 've been losing weight since the
surgery. ( My surgery was 8 weeks ago, and I lose 54 pounds and he only
talk about that to everyone). Good Luck and trust in the Lord and your own
feelings.
— jarizomais
August 29, 2007
Hi My name is Yvette and just like you I had that same problem. But I chose
only my closest family members and they were very supportive to me and the
choice I made. I am 4 months post op and have lost 80 pounds so far and I
am proud od myself. As fof people who don't understand what us OBESE
people go through I try to educate them. But I will suggest that you tell
your family like I did and I am sure you will feel alot better not hiding
or keeping secrets from them. Just pray to GOD ! GOD BLESS and good luck
!!
Yvette
— YVETTE121
August 29, 2007
Hi - my Mom is 76. I have only told her that I am thinking about it to see
her reaction. She actually is supportive and has now figured out that I
will eventually do it. I won't tell her my surgery date until right before
so she doesn't worry herself sick. I have not told many people. I told
one of my closest friends and her only answer was "People die from
that". After telling her, I have been quite selective about who
knows. Whatever your decision, it is YOUR decision and not anybody
else's.
Deb
— dthomp
August 29, 2007
My parents are no longer alive so I don't have the problem of deciding
whethe or not to tell them but I have had to be very selective about
telling any one else. My husband knows but no one else. My mother-in-law
would think I'm being selfish (she thinks that about everything I do that
is not directly geared toward her son) and even my best girlfriend would
think that it is frivolous ("just stop eating") because I have to
have my cervix removed soon and she thinks that is totally unnecessary.
So, as you can see, there are some people who just will not understand.
Still, if it is bothering you, I think there have been some creative ways
of telling your parents which have been described in the answers already
posted. You don't want to go into this with any more worries than you
already have, so it might be best for you to find a time when you can sit
down with them and tell them. You may be surprised at how supportive they
just might be! Good luck. -@li
— cherub13
August 29, 2007
I think it is your business, they won't understand. As long as you have the
support of your siblings, why put them through the agony of worrying. Just
tell them you are going on a VERY strict diet from doctors orders. They
need not know anything but that. If you eat with them they will see how
strict you have to be and will accept that. Good luck, I wish I hadn't told
several relatives. You don't need any negativity, only support
— bderuiter
August 29, 2007
Don...I sat down with my parents and my finace' at the time (he's now my
husband) and told them together. Having help - helped. I told them my
reasoning why and talked to them about the potential complications, the
good, the bad the ugly and they were surprising cool with it. My dad in
turn a few weeks later told me he had a dream that I died on the table
(thank dad). At that point, I made him come with me to my education
classes,specifally the one that talks about the surgery and how it is done
and what they do. The instructor was SO knowledgeable and he loved that she
knew it all and what she didn't - she didn't lie about. He was impressed
and from that day on became my biggest advocate. I believe with my whole
heart that EDUCATION is the key to support. Good luck
— jammerz
August 29, 2007
Honesty is the best policy. They need to know you are doing this for your
health. that's exactly what I told mine and they were very supportive and
happy that I was taking care of me.
— Sheri A.
August 29, 2007
Hi, I decided not to tell two of my sisters. Ironically, both live in the
same state with me. I needed to surround myself with supportive
individuals rather that ones attempting to fill my head with doubt and
fear. But, it is ultimately your choice. Wishing you the best.
— AmyPoe
August 29, 2007
I am a par of a very close family. That said, initially I chose to only
tell my Mom and my daughter (17 at the time). I did not tell my sister, my
two brothers or my cousin even though I am extremely close to all. I also
chose not to tell the majority of my coworkers. Again, I am very close to
them but just wasn't ready to share. Once I became comfortable with my
decision, I shared with everyone. Now, I tell complete strangers - only
when it comes up of course. You will know when the time is right - if it
ever is.
— VickiStevens
August 29, 2007
I too had the same problem and very little people were told. My parents
would not understand, and my sisters and brothers well, one sister found
out and said you are just fat and lazy, stop eating, you will lose, I did
not tell anyone because of that, and now that she found out and told, I am
being told how selfish and stupid I am. So at least I had the surgery, and
in peace without them knowing to hurt me, I just block them out now. My
parents would not of understood at the time, and still do not. I lost a
sister who was over 400 in Feb at only 41, and you think that since all of
us are heavy, they would of understood.. So you know your family much
better and how much you can tackel before, Good luck,.. best of wishes.
Cynthia
— babesintoyland
August 30, 2007
if you have dropped a lot of weight and don't live in the house with them
then either they think your dying of some horrible incurable disease and
you are not telling them or you have had weight loss surgery. Believe me it
is not a secret you are going to keep. If you don't live with them it
doesn't matter whether they arrpove or not if they fuss you only have to
hear it when you visit. They are older not brain dead, if they have seen
you or see you they will think one or the other give them credit for loving
you, we ole folks know more about our kids than we are given credit for, we
love you and only want the best for you once they see the health
improvement and how happy you are they are going to be happy for you but
they will ALWAYS worry about you from the cradle to the grave it is our
JOB!! ~smile~
— DonnaB.
August 30, 2007
I think it is amusing, in a sweet way, how no matter how old we get, we
still want the approval of our parents! As much as I think that is a sweet
gesture, who says you need to tell them beforehand? There is not much they
can say and do after the fact. Afterwards, just tell them the truth:
"I didn't want to worry you! I had WLS, I feel great and I know
you'll be supportive! So how about those Mets?"
— Mrs. Crabapple
August 30, 2007
I find that the reason most people object when you tell them is because
they don't really understand. They don't really understand why you just
can't lose the weight on your own. They can't understand why it's so hard
and also think that the surgery is so life threatening. Before they can or
will support you, you need to educated them. They will accept it once they
understand it.
— Stacey D.
August 30, 2007
I had my surgery 3 1/2 years ago. My mom was 95, I didn't tell her until
after when she started mentioning that I seemed to be loosing weight. I
didn't want her to worry before hand about "something going
wrong" She accepted it and asked a few questions. Especially the
'why couldn't you do it on your own.?' She never mentioned it again except
telling me how thin I was getting.
— MarjN
September 2, 2007
Hi! I had gastric bypass surgery 6 wks ago and I only chose to tell a few
select people. My sister had the same surgery 4 yrs ago and she only told
a few family members. I chose only to tell my parents (who are in their
80s & because I knew they would be supportive), my two sisters, my two
children and husband, and that is it! I have brothers but chose not to
tell them. As for my husband's side of the family, I didn't want to tell
them because I felt they would not understand, would not be supportive, and
would object to the surgery. In the end, I did tell my husband's parents
because we visited them 17 days after my surgery and they would see that I
was moving slower and eating differently and very little. I didn't want to
tell them, but I did. I guess it was only fair to tell them but I felt
that this decision and the surgery was very personal and private to me and
I didn't want the world to know. (I need to mention that my family lives
in another state and my in-laws live in a different state than I do.)
After I told them, I did regret my decision. My in-laws are wonderful but
meals are a big production and very social and important to them. I didn't
want anyone fussing over me or feeling sad for me because I wasn't eating
what they were eating. That's the last thing I wanted! Learning to eat
differently is difficult enough; learning to talk, eat and chew properly
without getting food stuck is even harder!! After I told my in-laws,
things got difficult and my mother-in-law made a big production about
feeling sorry for me because I wasn't having alcohol with everyone else and
because I wasn eating giant plates of pasta with rich, fattening sauces.
Everything that I thought would happen once I told them did happen and I
regretted telling them.
I guess what I am saying to you is that you know your comfort zone and you
know the people around you. Only telling certain people really helped me
deal with what I was going through. Choosing not to tell certain people
was my way of self-preservation and sanity! Good luck to you! Doro
— Doro7047
September 21, 2007
Yes!Yes! Yes! I was in the 6 month pre-op program, I waited until the night
before my surgery to tell my parents. They are both in their late 70's but
very well informed about health matters. Mom is a WORRIER and I knew she'd
have no rest until I was through surgery safe and sound. I told my
immediate coworkers and had their love and support. I chose NOT to tell my
husband's side of the family. We aren't that close and I felt it was NONE
of their business. My one fear (if that is the right word) is being watched
and/or being critisized in public when dining at a restaurant. "Are
you allowed to eat THAT?" "Isn't that too much food for
you?" This is why I chose not to tell his family.
— loves2stamp
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