Question:
How can I feel a part of a chatroom that doesn't seem to welcome newcomers?
I have been coming to this site for about a month or so. I used to go to the chatroom often and I still go in for a bit once or twice a day. For the most part people will say hello and some will chat for a bit, but usually I end up feeling pretty much invisible. Its very difficult to feel comfortable in there because sometimes it can be very cliquey, like I'm on the outside of some big inside joke. I realize that many people who go there are post-op, longtime chatters and friends, but I wish more would remember what it is to be new and trying to fit into possibly the only place where we have hope of being accepted. Thanks for listening. — [Anonymous] (posted on July 8, 2001)
July 8, 2001
I certainly understand your feeling! I have been part of the site for many
months now and don't want to join the real-time chat for that very reason.
I was also hoping to find real-time support within this site since I will
not have that in after-surgery care. Maybe they can come up with a chat
room dedicated solely to new members or new post-ops. Just a suggestion.
— [Anonymous]
July 8, 2001
I have felt the same. It pissed me off at first. I go in now, talk and ask
my questions, if people are not responding or acting indifferent I leave.
It all depends on the people in there. Hint-talk like you have been there
alot and no everyone, be bold and speak up. Put questions in caps.
Eventually, you will make friends and start forming your own clique-for
lack of a better word.
— Courtney W.
July 8, 2001
I have felt the same. It pissed me off at first. I go in now, talk and ask
my questions, if people are not responding or acting indifferent I leave.
It all depends on the people in there. Hint-talk like you have been there
alot and no everyone, be bold and speak up. Put questions in caps.
Eventually, you will make friends and start forming your own clique-for
lack of a better word.
— Courtney W.
July 8, 2001
Hi: I know just what you mean, this has also happened to me. It is very
clique. Even when I post a question, I'm told to check the library which I
did and couldn't find the right answer. Yes, you're right, sometimes it's
lonely here too.
— [Anonymous]
July 8, 2001
I hear what you're saying!! For the most part, I feel more connected by
reading the message boards and Q&A submissions. I actually feel like
there are more meaningful dialogues in those two places than I found on the
chat rooms the few times I went there. The board moves fast and does seem
to be frequently occupied by people who already are connected. And, one
time I was on there and a "fight" broke out with some women and
some guy who was spouting socialist politics....geesh. I stick to the
message boards and Q&A...and sometimes I email people directly. I feel
supported and connected doing what I do here. Best of luck to you (and
email me any time!!) ;-)
— blee01
July 8, 2001
Yep...I feel the same way...I have to ask my questions several times before
someone answers me...I like going in there during the day...it does'nt seem
as busy and folks are alittle nicer!
— Marie B.
July 8, 2001
I had that problem too. You aren't alone. Sometimes it is cool though and
you pop in on some friendly people. I had a hard time because I am 2 and
1/2 years post op and the room was mainly people who had just recently had
surgery and are still in the honey moon phase. I am struggling with my
weight and regaining. They didn't want to hear from me....lol! I felt like
I had cooties or something in the chat room. Some members were very helpful
and caring. If you go in and the people are rude or unresponsive just try
again some other time. It happens.
— paintnmynails
July 8, 2001
I thought that the reason I wasn't getting any response was because I am
kind of shy and don't always know what to say. I am relieved that you
submitted your question because now I know that it isn't just me. I have
been coming to this site for a couple months now and I always look around
at the different messages and Q&A's and profiles but sometimes its not
enough. It seems like everyone in my life that I have mentioned the
possiblity of surgery to is always "why?". It would be nice to
talk to somepeople who know why and have the freedom to talk freely about
concerns as they come up and not have to wait for an email response (which
I have found rarely comes).
— Crystal D.
July 8, 2001
It's ironic that you would ask this question. Just last night I entered
the chat room and stated what I needed...waited for someone to
respond...even went a little further and tried to start up a conversation.
Anyway, I finally put in that there was "no support available in this
chat room tonight" and someone actually responded with "I'm
sorry...is there something you need help with?" At that point, I was
totally disgusted and clicked off. Everyone needs to take into
consideration other peoples feelings and be courteous to everyone that
comes into chat. We are all there for a reason and being
"ignored" is not one of them!
— Sharon R.
July 8, 2001
Your all right. I think this is a great wls site but the people in the chat
room are rude! I think they need a moderator.
— Breakaway_1
July 8, 2001
I felt the same way just after I had my RNY open 6 mos. ago. I do not go
into the chatroom any more. People seem to have their own little side
conversations and half of those conversations weren't about WLS. Ever so
often someone would respond, but basically new people are invisible. I wish
there were several chatrooms: one for brand new WLSers for SPECIFIC
questions, requesting information and problems and nothing else. Another
chatroom for WLSers who just want to connect with other WLSers and talk
everything else under the sun.
— Betty Todd
July 8, 2001
maybe I'm coming from a different perspective on this. I have been a
chatter on Yahoo for years. As a matter of fact, I met my husband there and
have dozens of real life friends that I met initially in chat...so I'm
comfortable with the forum and I understand how crazy chat can be.
Sometimes you really click with someone and other times, you never really
hop into the thread of what's going on..or it just doesn't appeal to you at
that time. I have visited AMOS chat a dozen or so times. I have always
felt warmly welcomed and had prompt answers to any questions that I had.
Obviously, I am not part of any clique because I don't visit often enough
to know anyone there..but I've never experienced any rudeness in the chat
room...ever. I'm sorry that others feel they have. I'm not saying you
haven't...but I felt that I needed to make a comment about my experiences
in there. I hate for any part of this amazing support group to be
diminished by comments that aren't about our common experiences...but are
about personalities. Best wishes all my fellow losers!
— Sharon_Cauthen
July 8, 2001
Often times a conversation is going on and it's disruptive for everyone to
stop and say hi hi hi all the time, soon that is all anyone in the room is
saying. Also, and I'm not saying this is you, but some people have a *the
world revolves around me* syndrome. Instead of jumping in and talking they
wait to be noticed, then get all huffy when not everyone rushes to embrace
them. Sorry, but sometimes there are up to 30 people in a chat and the
whole room isn't going to come to a standstill because someone comes in and
wants to be noticed. I know this is harsh, and I imagine I'll get spammed,
but it's a syndrome I've noticed in other chats and on aol back when I was
on there. Do you type your questions in Caps? Otherwise how is it not going
to get lost amid the other conversations? Do you watch a see what the
conversation is and try to join in, or do you go in deciding I only want to
talk about x and then get disgusted because y is the topic of conversation
and 15 people don't hop on the x bandwagon cause that's what YOU want to
talk about? Get over the poor me, no one is nice because they don't agree
with me that the world revolves around me, and just start talking. Greet
newcomers coming after you instead of worrying about who didn't say hi to
you, Type your question in caps, maybe even twice, until you get an answer,
try to jump in the conversations already going you might learn something
you didn't come in for but is still usefull. Mostly get used to the idea
there are a bunch of people in there talking and because you want to come
in and be the center of attention doesn't mean you will be.
— [Anonymous]
July 9, 2001
It would be nice if they had two chat rooms here. One for newbies and one
for seasoned post-ops.
That way if a seasoned post op wanted to, they could hang in the newbie
room and help and answer questions. Just my 2 cents as I don't know what
the resources are here.
Just a thought,
Michelle*
— Wunderama
July 9, 2001
You know, I've been in to chat and I must say that the times I've chatted
they were absolutely wonderful to me. This is a huge site with a lot of
members. There are personalities from all over the world in here! Some
days you meet up with good people, I guess some of you have met up with
rude people. Please, don't let the bad apple spoil the bunch... get my
drift? My very first time in, if it wasn't for this site, and it's
chatroom, I would have never pursued this wls so soon. You see, I'm a
tricare Prime member, and a military spouse. My husband was like, hey it
doesn't hurt to ask, so I was going to call Tricare the next morning, but
wanted research first. Therefore, I found this site after a few searches.
I entered the chatroom and I got the Hi's from all around. Of course I was
like HIIIIIIIIII! I gotta a question.... then I was like.....this is my
first time in here, can you help me out... they were are very nice... it
took about a minute or two just to get through the welcome! Anyway, once I
found out about everybody, I asked about military and tricare.... there
were about 3 members who used tricare and they told me what to do...
Thankfully, I listened, because when I called Tricare the next day... the
receptionist that answered told me that the surgery wasn't covered... I
said really, I was told by several members that it is covered... she put me
on hold and when they answered I was given the good news and my journey
started from there. I am not discounting those of you who have had rude
treatment... I just would like to encourage you to keep using the chat room
because it can be an instant answer to those worrisome (sp) questions,
anxieties, etc. Usually in all the chatrooms I've been in, the responses
are so quick, you just have to jump in... sometimes you are so busy looking
for a response to your own question, that you don't have time to see new
ones... they are pretty darn quick! I've had to scroll up and down just to
see if I had been answered... some of the times I were... another thing...
did you know your name doesn't show on your screen, but it does show for
everybody else? That was another question I asked and got a lot of laughs
out of the people there. For those of you who helped me in the chatroom, I
would like to take this time to thank you! I think the idea of separate
chatrooms would be helpful, however, have you considered that if all new
people were using one chatroom, and all the old were using the other, how
the heck would the new people get their questions answered? LOL Keep a
proactive mind in everything you do! I told another member once... if you
are told to wait for a call back... forget it... CALL BACK! It works...
same goes for the chatroom.... I had a rather personal question to ask and
was too embarrassed to post it with my name or to the message board...
believe me, it was personal... anyway, since I didn't use my name, I used a
nickname... I just kept posting the question til someone said... ARE YOU
SERIOUS... I said, yes! and I got a side chat going and got the answer to
my question! So maybe going in under a nick name will help you get over
your shyness too... You know like how some people post negative comments as
anonymous... or if you're just plain out shy... Good luck to you all.... I
tend to get on my soap box when I feel strongly about something... and I
don't like negativity, therefore I wanted to say something in defense of
the chatroom! I'm a full time supporter of this site... all aspects...
— Jennifer Lynn J.
July 9, 2001
I agree that there should be more than 1 chatroom, if only for the reason
that the existing chat room gets so dang busy! Would be nice to have
different rooms regarding to different problems or just more than 1 social
room. =)
— Brenda S.
July 9, 2001
Hi folks, What I've learned to do in the chat room is go various times
through out the day and ask the same question. Sometimes you'll get
ignored, sometimes a flip answer (someone trying to be funny), but
eventually you'll get a reasonable answer. If you stick around for awhile
you will find someone that you can more closly identify with and have a
decent conversation. I usually stay out of the room when it's really
rolling...I can't keep up. Early in the morning is a great time to develope
friendships. Also, a quick e-mail to someone in the peer section of this
board has proved to be a great resource for me. I have met several local
people whom I've become good friends with from sending a quick hello. I've
also noticed on the Q&A board people are quick to tell folks to check
the library. Many times the library has a zillion topics on the same thing
but only 1 or 2 responses, and they don't always answer my question
completely. Also, I like to hear from my current peers. So I precurse my
questions with a : I've check the library and my question hasn't been
adequatly covered. That seems to help. I don't let myself get angry over
the silliness I encounter, there are days when I'm silly too. So I try a
couple different angles to get my answer. I hope this helps. Take care.
— KimBo36
July 9, 2001
To all who posted responses to my question, thank you. I appreciated the
support and the suggestions. To the writer of the one very rude response,
I'm sorry my opinion made you so defensive but I don't go into the chatroom
looking for everyone to stop and notice nor do I want to be the center of
attention. I don't delude myself that I'm THAT fascinating. Your unkind
remarks were not necessary or appreciated. Your are probably the exact type
of person who enjoys the exclusive feel of the room. I can understand that,
I imagine with an attitude such as your own, you probably have trouble
cultivating real friendships offline. Perhaps its your first time feeling a
part of the "popular crowd". But that said, unless you are still
in high school, your response showed a definite lack of maturity. Good Luck
to you. And sincere thanks to everyone else.
— [Anonymous]
July 9, 2001
I agree, it is difficult to become part of the chat room clique. I'm sure
there are great people in the chat room too, but just looking at the
responses here to this question (including mine), I'd say the majority in
the chat room are rude to newcomers. It's not always possible for people
to check in at different times of the day just to find someone who isn't
rude to talk to. Lots of people work during the day when the
"nicer" group is chatting. And it sure sounded like the one
person with the rude response had a definite "I'm the center of the
universe" syndrome going on. How much more self-absorbed can you be
than to express "if you can't get with OUR program, then get over it
or get out. We matter more than any newcomer." And I don't think
negativity is a bad thing either. If we only get the sugar-coated version
of everything on this site, then why even bother to research WLS?
"Everything is wonderful, all people are wonderful, surgery never
fails, all is right with the world. Go ahead and have that WLS and don't
worry about a thing." I prefer to know the good and the bad about
everything, including the chat room. There are some good, there are even
more bad personalities in there. But at least those of us who experienced
the bad aren't left feeling alone anymore, because we expressed ourselves
here in Q&A. If that's negative, then so be it. Definitely, we need
another chat room. There's nothing wrong with having a "social"
chat room at all, but it would be nice to have an "all info" chat
room as well. People would realize going in that topics should stick to
WLS. What's so terrible about having another chat room? It seems whenever
someone suggests it, those who are happy in the chat room get offended.
There are millions of chat rooms on the web, how's one more gonna hurt this
website?
— Val D.
July 9, 2001
Any chat room is difficult for someone who is new to the "type and
chat" experience. Many people need a slower paced place for real time
answers until they get their bearings. I have seen both sides of the wls
chat room, times where it had no room for me and times where it had help
galore for me. It is as varied as the people are. Say hello when you enter
and say you are brand new and then read for a bit. You can tell if you are
going to get a word in edgewise by seeing the flow of the conversation and
then can also make sure you have the right mix of people by reading what
they are saying. Then go ahead and post or try logging on at a different
time. I guess my best advice for those who are unhappy with the format, is
to please try again, and again... it took me 5 visits before I got a good
group. It was wonderful that day. :)
— Danine N.
July 9, 2001
I've been on the site for two months and the chat room is one of the most
confusing I've ever been in. There's 12 different conversations going at
once! I've often thought that we should have different chat rooms for
different topics. If I want to talk about insurance, I go there. If I want
to know something else, I pick the appropriate chat room. If I just want to
goof off, pick the goof off one. Is this a possibility?
— Rosie P.
July 9, 2001
I find the room to be informative and friendly. Sometimes if there is a
conversation or topic already going on one has to ask a question more than
once, but that's just because it's busy. As for the rude poster, they have
a right to feel as they do, calling someone immature and high school is not
exactly nice either. Anyway, I have found tons of info in the chat room,
but then I have never been accused of being shy LOL! I can see where it
would be hard if a person is quiet and shy, but as someone else said, if
the chat is all newbies, who's going to post the answers? Anyway, my 2
cents worth (kaching)
— Becky K.
July 10, 2001
I forgot I was going to recommend something (scatterbrained sometimes but
well meaning lol) have some of you tried yahoo.groups? www.yahoogroups.com
or egroups.com (same thing) you get an id and then you can join the message
boards. Do a search for clubs on ossg and you will get a ton of hits.
Planet ossg (listed as just ossg I think) is great for basic wls questions,
ossg insurance is geared specifically for ins questions, oss graduate is
for people a year or more out, you can join and lurk they just don't want
you to post, but it's good to see how people live and what issues they have
a year or more out, there is ossg hungry for people who feel they aren't
doing as well or are having food issues, there are ossg local groups, well
you get the idea. Since it's a message board your questions don't get lost
in the general free for all of chat rooms, and the people on there are
friendly. Before asking questions I did key word searches in the clubs,
went to back posts and got tons and tons of info. I think some of you might
find this more geared to your questions as I did, than trying to make 50
chatrooms ... one for each issue... on here. Good Luck and God speed,
— Becky K.
July 11, 2001
I too, have found the chatroom unwelcoming the few times I tried it. I
don't think I'll go back. In response to the egroups and yahoo posting - I
must be the dumbest person in the world because I've tried to get into
these groups and have not had any luck at all! I guess I'm just not
supposed to participate which is really disappointing since there is an
egroups for people who live in Arizona.
— georgiacarol
July 11, 2001
I go to the chat room. I don't know anyone well enough to be in a clique.
Sometimes it meets my needs and people answer my questions or give me the
'poor baby' I need. Other times it is just talk. Sometimes, I can help
someone out with a suggestion or an answer. I always use an alias--just as
I am posting this anonymously. I haven't told the world about my surgery
and I don't intend to. Anonymity is one of the benefits of this medium. If
the chatroom helps you great. If it doesn't, try to ask your questions or
state your needs. I don't think people are really that rude. I think they
are pretty much like I am: interested in their own agenda and trying to
make success where they have had a lot of failures. Maybe that is what you
are trying to do too. You have to accept some responsibility for your
success. Ask questions--ask them two or three times--and then check the
answers with your doctor or office staff. Nothing in a chatroom can
substitute for the straight stuff from a 'real' person. One thing I have
noticed in the chatroom is that there are a lot of people who will give you
advice that will help you sabotage yourself. Please call them on it when it
happens. By the way, the chatroom is moderated, but often there are
discussions that center on life more than surgery.
Like surgery, the chatroom is a tool. Use it to meet your needs.
— [Anonymous]
July 11, 2001
At first I felt like an outsider too, but as I chatted more I became more
comfortable. If you have questions, type them in capital letters. Then you
will get the responces you are looking for.
— Cindy S.
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